Sunday, July 27, 2014

News You Can't Use: DUI Suspect Pulled Over While Driving Lawnmower

How can the awful task of reducing the average size of grass blades via mechanized devices be made more tolerable? An answer one individual arrived at was getting loaded on over-priced domestic beer while driving from one bar to the next on the old riding mower. It's sort of like that heart toasting story of that old boy driving a mower across America to see his dying son or whatever, except with less soul-wrenching pathos and a whole lot more vomit, pants-piss and concerned motorists.

A Northern Colorado man was arrested on suspicion on DUI but it was what he was driving that makes this case unusual. He was driving a lawnmower.

No, this wasn't your typical Northern Colorado corksucker climbing behind the wheel and causing havoc, an event which is so common in the N.C. that we don't even bother attempting to document it. This time lawn care was involved, so it's extremely interesting and satisfying to hear about.

Police said Kenneth Welton was driving drunk from bar to bar along a very busy 8th Avenue in Garden City on a riding lawnmower. 

By "very busy" we mean one car, three cows and a few other drunks using whatever improvised means of conveyance were at hand.

“He couldn’t stand on his own. He was showing signs of impairment,” said Weld County Sheriff’s Sgt. Sean Standridge.

Must be that secret, undocumented ingredient they put into beer.

Welton’s driver’s license had been revoked when he was arrested.

I was going to make a snide remark (yeah, big surprise) but with the way the government is expanding I wouldn't be very surprised by the existence of "Lawn Mower Licenses" that must be regularly renewed at great personal expense.

...and hard to drive when you're all to' up.

From jail, Welton, 53, told CBS4 he was not using the lawnmower to get around, but instead to take care of overgrown weeds.

"I'm actually some weird kind of hero." *vomits on self, again*

“It was just surprising, it was just a total shock. What are you kidding me? I haven’t been, I’ve been working, I have been mowing, I haven’t been bar hopping,” said Welton.

Nice to see this guy fully embrace his fictional version of the events netting him a room at the Green Bar Hotel. "Are you kidding? Not being able to stand under your own power is normal! This is America, after all."

"This is not a joke."

"My brother was killed by a drunk on a threshing machine."

Weld County leads Colorado in traffic fatalities. The Weld County Sheriff’s Office wants to change that statistic and prevent any more deaths.

Yeah, that's generally how you'd change it, assuming just arbitrarily lowering the number and saying "Everything's fine now!" is off the table as an option.

“He’s lucky he didn’t hurt somebody or get himself hurt from somebody hitting him,” said Standridge.

Let's try to make a big deal out of this ridiculous story of rural route dysfunction.

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Komment Korner  

The cop thinks his tractor is sexy

Driving is a right, not a privilege.

What a disgrace to everyone who has worn a uniform to defend this country. The police in this country ought to be ashamed of themselves!

Thanks for admitting your racism.

Yesterday I saw a guy getting on a moped in front of the grocery store with a case of beer and a bag of ice.

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