I had pretty much the same expression watching this.
We pick up the action already in progress as we're told "to earn your man you've got to learn your man." Sounds like a rejected Jesse Jackson slogan. Not all is well, though, as Alexyss warns of the risk of being "caught up in a man's penis power." No, penis power is not the solution to America's energy crisis, but rather it represents the ability of a man to somehow become proficient enough at sexual intercourse that it actually controls a woman rather than driving her away. Apparently the trick is "practice." Who knew?
We digress somewhat into a discussion of flashy men: pro and contra. Apparently there are decent men that wear lots of jewelry out there, somewhere. Not to be confused with the man in a "predator mode."
Predator mode...activate!
According to Miss Tylor the main target in predator mode are lonely women with beds full of toys. I'm guessing we're not talking about Voltron action figures. The mother, who has been silent up until this point is forced to make an off-topic interjection about "what drives a woman to toys?" We're supposed to be talking about dogs that hit the walls for psychological manipulation here mom, please try to stay on topic.
"What's going on in this video...oh lawd."
It's here we learn the horrifying truth that some women actually enjoy having orgasms. In fact, many working women, according to this show, have the jackrabbit on all day at their jobs. Well, that certainly explains the poor service I got at the office max. I guess the fact that she kept moaning and rolling her eyes back in her head while I was talking about ordering toner should have been a clue that something was amiss, but it seemed fairly ordinary at the time.
Mom goes 0 for 2 in getting the point as she embarks on a semi-coherent tangent about rabbits in nature during her country childhood and their tendency to jump "from here to there." Luckily her daughter is right here to explain that we're actually talking about how science adapted this naturalistic observation to create a mechanical device that provides a steady bludgeoning of the nether regions, much like how Da Vinci got the idea for the helicopter from falling leaves or whatever. "We are living in the 21st century," says the older woman with a mixture of resignation and awe.
After being side-tracked by the rabbit trail, no pun intended, we veer into a discussion of how some male organs feel like they're on fire. I'm pretty sure they can give you a shot for that. "All penises are not created equal," we are told. So much for that U.N. resolution of universal rights or whatever that worthless scrap of paper is called. Indeed, even a man who "ain't no good" can get unfair preferential treatment via working the "hips and buttocks" and "bending" his partner like a human gumby. Life is both unfair and profoundly ugly.
This "penis power" is more than capable of destroying lives. How bad can it get? It can reach a point where the man won't even buy Long John Silver's. That's bad enough, but "that plate worth (only) $2.99." What does the woman get instead? If you guessed a mouth and/or rectum full of a certain special bodily fluid, you're correct! Good grief.
Fine dining denied due to penis power.
Perhaps with food on the brain we're told that all these men are offering is "a side of penis." This theory is confirmed when Alexyss suggests such encounters might be occurring "at lunch." Lest we should start getting hungry too, it's time to address the issue of letting a man "hit bottom." "They don't know about the bottom!" Mom interjects with more than a little desperation. Sorry mom, they clearly do which is why shrimp platter sales are down and we've got economic hardship.
Apparently the process of journeying to the center of woman, so to speak, leaves her insane. This is linked to ejaculation somehow reaching the brain. I don't think that's anatomically feasible, but then again I don't do a horrifying, sleazy as hell public access show with my own mother about how sometimes men use a mirror while "hitting from the back," so what do I know.
Next we learn about how "screwing her into submission" is performed. It's done by "using the penis as a weapon to break her ass down." Now you know and you'll be a better person. We're told the only defense against this sort of sexual mind control is to become a prostitute. Otherwise, forget it. It's a simple matter of asking "whose vagina is it" as though you're at a lost and found or something. This breaks a woman's brain and leads to a condition called being a "come freak" and we arrive full circle by explaining that this then leads to the jackrabbit addiction after the dog of a man leaves. It's a neat little package, no pun intended.
This "freak" condition also makes sleeping difficult, causes high blood pressure and shortness of breath, as if everything else wasn't enough. Basically what we're saying is that normal male/female relations are far more dangerous than most experimental medicines in terms of undesirable side-effects.
She's making crazy faces like this through the entire video.
What qualifies someone to do a show like this, you're probably wondering. Surprisingly, our heroine does not have an extensive educational background, apart from a "Master's Degree in Being Played By Men." If I remember correctly the "Being Played By Men" department was less than impressive at the college I attended, but than again it was a state school. Harvard's B.P.B.M. labs and faculty are top notch, I'm sure.
It's time to give the floor to Mom again, who has mostly been in shocked silence during the last rant about life destruction via intercourse. She claims to have learned a lot and will be "on the watch out" for the giant, bottom-finding, flaming hot units lurking out there. She vows to stay "prayed up." After watching this train-wreck Richard Dawkins would probably want to pray.
We wrap things up with a fairly standard closing, followed by Miss Tylor cackling like a mad woman. Some music plays and she dances in her chair in a manner that resembles a bobble-head doll. A very appropriate finish, to say the least.
Komment Korner
I'd rather not die of alcohol poisoning...
shit
PENIS ON FIRE !!!! RARR
I got to this from longboarding videos :P
Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.
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