News You Can't Use: Monster-Sized Goldfish are Taking Over an Alberta City

I've always assumed the purpose of goldfish is to provide children with an easily understood lesson in mortality and the exciting secondary functions a toilet can perform. That and maybe poor memory analogies, but even that's pushing it as far as I'm concerned. As it turns out, there are also "monster" versions of our forgetful die-easy friends and they're literally "taking over" Alberta City. Canada, I don't know what to say. At least our cities get conquered by credible threats like mole people and drug addicts in cartoon costumes.

Workers have dipped nets and a naturally occurring chemical into a storm water retention pond near Edmonton in a bid to kill thousands of unwanted goldfish that have made the water body home.

Goldfish that won't die swim that rivers of Bizarro World. Fortunately a "naturally occurring" chemical (cyanide) can be used to coat nets in doomed, fifties monster movie style attempts to save Edmonton.

Officials say the aquatic invaders are the result of goldfish reproducing after people released their unwanted pets into the wild or flushed them down the toilet.

Look what you goofball macgundies did. Our ecosystem is done like dinner.

Leah Kongsrude, St. Albert’s environment director, says she’s seen captured goldfish up to 30 centimetres in length, compared to ones sold by pet stores that measure only about two centimetres.

Since I'm American I have no idea how big or small that is. You might as well be speaking Sanskrit.

Kongsrude says goldfish are hardy and can out-compete naturally occurring species for food.

It sounds like the plot to a Sci-Fi Channel Original. Tonight: Whoa Canada, The Monster Goldfish Power Play.

Crews used nets on Tuesday to remove the reddish-gold swimmers and also applied the chemical, Rotenone, which is used to remove unwanted fish species from fresh water.

We'll be pouring chemicals into our fresh water. Don't worry, it's fine. That awkward moment when the "alien reptilian" conspiracy cranks are fully vindicated. We gotta stop those "reddish-gold swimmers." Coming up with synonyms for my high quality writing, it's a lot harder than it looks. 

Kongsrude said the city is lucky the fish are just in the pond and not in the Sturgeon River, which flows through St. Albert. 

Yeah, you really caught a break, Canucks.

“We pumped this pond down and froze it right to the bottom in the winter and they were back in the spring. So they can live with very limited oxygen and low water temperatures.”

We're running out of non-nuclear solutions.

“As much as your cute goldfish is in your tank, as soon as you let it out into the natural environment they grow, they become very competitive,” said Kongsrude.

Somehow your dead goldfish are undergoing some sort of dark resurrection and returning as unkillable monsters.

Alberta Environment has also come up with what Kongsrude called the best way to dispose of a dead fish — a fish coffin. 

Hey tuna, here's your tin.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Denver Nurses Suspended for Opening Body Bag to Admire Man’s Genitals

By now we've all marveled at the heroic nurse in Utah who obeyed the hospital's rules even under pain of arrest and we've all expressed our deep admiration with various yellow "emotion faces" and poorly worded and spelled praise. Life keeps moving, however, and today's newest hero nurses are probably a bit below the high standard of professional that was said on the fateful day in the Beehive State. On the other hand, "penis," which is never not funny or wildly entertaining.

Five nurses at Denver Health Medical Center were suspended for three weeks after they inappropriately viewed a deceased patient’s body and talked about it, a hospital spokesman confirmed to Denver7 Investigates Tuesday.

Every painful rep in the gym, every foul-tasting glass of water mingled with peppermint flavor gorilla combat powder, every doughnut and beer heroically refused, all of physical culture in general points toward this end goal: having nurses get all excited over your dead body. Look at the abs on that cadaver! Man, you can tell this deadster avoided junk food. Died anyway, but still.

A tip to Denver7 said the nurses disciplined admired the size of the deceased patient’s genitals and at one point opened a body bag to view parts of the body. A hospital spokesman confirmed details of the incident.

You can make your own joke about "stiffs," I'm way too classy and intellectual to sink to that level.

A different nurse heard one of the disciplined nurses make a comment in May that the nurse felt was inappropriate and reported it to hospital staff, Denver Health Medical Center spokesman Josh Rasmussen said.

In other words there's usually some warning signs before your Obama Care professional becomes obsessed with deceased reproductive organs.

“Multiple staff members viewed the victim while he was incapacitated, including after he was deceased,” a Denver Police report says. “The complainant, Risk Management for Denver Health, made a mandatory report.”
 
I want all of you to stop giggling and enforce the law.

 That common male fantasy of being injected with radioactive material.

Denver Police confirm they responded to the incident but say the decision was made to have Denver Health Medical Center handle the issue internally.

Anyone who makes a joke about "handling this internally" will be immediately arrested, so don't even think about it.

Full Article.

Komment Korner   

Perverts, all of them.

What a shame.

I work with dozens of male nurses. You are grossly out of date. And they are great nurses as well!

Well, you have one thing right, I would never hang out with or date someone who thinks jokes disparaging others are funny.

My friends make fun of me for a wide variety of reasons. I have thick skin.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.