News You Can't Use: Domino’s Staff Member Forced to Kneel as a Gun is Pointed at his Head

Ordering cultural appropriation versions of Italian cuisine can easily turn into a total and complete disaster so it's probably not a surprise that every so often there's blow-back from the endlessly put-upon martyrs who just wanted a reasonably cheap and warm carb-load in a box left outside the front door. It's even less surprising when this sudden reversal takes place in a Southern Hemisphere penal colony. Yes, let's head Down Under to meet a man who was pushed too far by the whole "thirty minutes or less" trick bag and decided to perform a deleted scene from "Falling Down" on a wage slave.

Chilling footage of the moment a man pointed a shortened firearm in the face of a Domino’s Pizza Smithfield staff member has been released.

Chilling, just like the ice-cold pizza that came three hours after I ordered it. Seriously, I was wronged and my complaints are legitimate, how come no one cares?

Philip Raymond Willich was angry. He had been unable to get a discount when ordering his pizza on the phone.

Some smooth-talker told me I could get a deep discount if I mentioned my affiliation with the Professional Domino Player League, but it turned out to be a shuck.

So he went to the shop to confront the young staff member Isaac Ramsay, and asked him to step outside for a chat on October 21, 2015. 

Protip: When a confrontational yabbo wants to "chat" outside you should refuse.

Police Prosecutor Senior Sergeant Lisa Buchanan said Willich, 53, had wanted an apology.

I could have just said "sorry" and deescalated everything, but my fanatical loyalty to a place that produces something that tastes like a spicy rubber tire demanded I refuse.

When it wasn’t forthcoming he drew the weapon, which had been concealed under his clothes, and pointed it at Mr Ramsay’s head.

Looks like you're really going to earn that minimum wage today.

“It is the most serious common assault I have seen to obtain an apology for not getting a discount on a takeaway pizza,” Snr Sgt Buchanan said.

Yes. This was the worst version of that highly specific scenario I've ever seen.

“It wasn’t loaded but the victim wasn’t aware of that.” 

That's not a gun. THIS is a gun.

Snr Sgt Buchanan said Mr Ramsay was effectively “begging for his life”.

No apologies, though. I'd rather die than express regret that you didn't get a reduced price from my distant and faceless employer.

Under Queensland law, Willich must spend at least 12 months in jail because of the weapons charge.
 
It only took about two years to finally reach this conclusion. Now to start planning the cruel and unusual punishment.

Defence solicitor Paul Richardson handed up two comprehensive reports about his client, which described Willich has having narcissistic personality traits, high alcoholism and a depressive disorder.

I love myself so much, I'm profoundly depressed, time to drink lots of top-shelf booze.

 What do you mean this offer is expired? *pulls gun*

“The common assault was a very serious example of common assault,” Magistrate Alan Comans said, adding that they were also someone calculated.

This thing was an excellent example of this thing.

He committed the assault in the most menacing and frightening way.

As opposed to all those friendly and comforting assaults, I guess.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Step Into Our Selfie Booth and Help Us Build Our Brand

If there's two ideologies I will aggressively defend with my life and treasure it's narcissism and building brand identity. This is especially true now that this blog has somehow become ground zero for sports wagering "systems" and "pick up artist" get the ladies via hypnosis spam. Clearly I'm on the very brink of leveraging my new status as a dumping ground for terrible and completely bogus goods and services into CEOing for 10/k per week. And when I'm doing it I'll be sure to take lots of pictures, because I'm nature's most incredible creation and you'll never get sick of it.

First there were selfies. Then there were selfie sticks. Now comes a new phase: selfie booths, which some stores and other businesses are adding as a sort of next-generation photo kiosk.

It's really the same old shit we had in malls in the eighties, but we'll pretend this is some exciting new breakthrough because we need at least one story that isn't about Donald Trump's ice cream social blunders.

In the age of ubiquitous social media, these booths and rooms seem to be the latest way to engage customers and build a brand.

Wait, entire rooms? How wasteful do you have to be to have a "selfie room" at your not properly established brand? Just go in there and duck-face, and remember, no one gets your teeth whiter than Alpha N' Omega Brand mouth bleacher.

At several branches of the optical company Warby Parker, myopics unsure if those tortoiseshell frames are really “them” can jump into the on-site selfie booth, snap off some images and email them to friends and family for a second (and third, fourth and fifth) opinion.

Great glasses, dudemar. Let me click the little blue button to formally register my approval. We're "friends."

At Paintbox, a nail studio in New York City, clients can get a manicure, then insert their hands into a photo box where their latest coat of metallic teal will be immortalized.

Latest coat of metallic teal! I'm a serious author!!! I'M WRITING!!!!!!!!!11111oneoneone

And at Doomie’s, a vegan restaurant in Toronto, there is a dedicated selfie room where patrons stand in front of a mirror, snap a photo and post it to social media, often with a caption like “just emerged from my food coma.”

And just got ready to enter my real coma brought on by a poor diet and endless virtue signaling. Look pale and weak at Doomie's, fellow righteous eaters! Document the slow wasting away process with lots of tacky photos!

“When we were planning the restaurant, we wanted clever ways to promote it and differentiate it, and the younger demographic always wants something Instagram-able,” said one of Doomie’s owners, Hellenic Vincent De Paul.
 
The original "Meet your Doom at Doomie's: Come here and die" slogan met with tepid enthusiasm, at best.

The restaurant had an unused basement room, so Mr. De Paul painted the floor white and had the walls papered in cartoons by an artist known as Vegan Sidekick.

Stranger approaches for no discernible reason. "Hey buddy, I'm vegan!" Before you can even formulate a response the Vegan Sidekick pops out. "Me too!"

The novelty has prompted a lot of publicity, including by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

This is just the thing to air after the hockey game but before the maple syrup documentary.

A lot of people are like, ‘Let’s go to the vegan restaurant with the selfie room.’ ”

It's either that or the other plan of taking turns punching ourselves in the abdomen. I'm still undecided, here.

Here is a sure sign that the selfie booth is officially ready for its close-up: The Tracy Anderson Method, a fitness chain with a high-end cult following — Lena Dunham is an acolyte, and Gwyneth Paltrow is a partner — installed just such a nook in its new 6,000-square-foot studio on East 59th Street in Manhattan.

It's hard to imagine a better endorsement for a gym than "Lena Dunham goes here."

Morgen Schick, a Ford model turned beauty and anti-aging guru, sidled into the bright white photo booth on a recent morning and pondered the tools she could use to embellish her selfie: props in the booth include tiny flags festooned with hearts and a pair of weights — and there are four photographic filters, all designed to flatter like mad.

Surely this will ward off the grim specter of death following a life completely wasted.

“That’s not bad,” said Ms. Schick, 52, examining herself on the screen before clicking. “There isn’t a filter to make me look 25, but that’s O.K. We’re embracing the now.”

This was followed by three hours of weeping and wailing.

Full Article. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

News You Can't Use: Twitter User Growth Comes to a Halt

I'm all about that tiny blue bird and, honestly, who could blame me? The opportunity to participate in an online bathroom wall is not something any sane person would pass on and let's be honest, any idea that can't be communicated in 140 characters isn't worth considering. And the entertainment! Hashtag games! Celebrities committing thought crime and getting slapped down after the pathetic apologizes. Jokes based on misinterpreting the lyrics of thirty-year-old Sir Mix-a-lot songs. You know what, maybe the imminent death of this thing isn't the worst news I've ever heard, although there's no way I'm giving up my "followers," many of whom might be actual human beings, at least in the loosest possible definition.

When Jack Dorsey returned last year as chief executive of Twitter, the social media company he co-founded, he had a mandate: Right a sinking ship.

Get in there and just fix everything! Never mind the details, I'm a vision person. I'm sure you'll think of something. Maybe gutting the "direct message" function? Changing "favorites" to something easier for the mush-minds to comprehend? Tiny lightning bolts that call to mind nazi atrocities? Yep, you've got many great ideas. Right that ship, son. Aw, yeah.

Since then, Mr. Dorsey, 39, has laid off employees and deep-sixed an expansion of its headquarters in San Francisco.

I love the changes you made, Mr. Dorsey! What, I'm fired? Well, this gravy train wasn't gonna last, I understand. Can you set me up with a position in some non-profit?

He has appointed new executives and shaken up the company’s board. And when it comes to making changes to Twitter’s core product, nothing is sacred.

Wow, this guy must be twenty feet tall and made of solid steel.

But change is not coming fast enough.

We've been hearing that a lot since 2008.

On Wednesday, after many quarters of slowing user growth, Twitter said its monthly visitors in the fourth quarter totaled 320 million — exactly the same as the company reported in the previous quarter.

Despite this stagnation I'm still offered lots of exciting chances to "buy followers" and participate in other allied scams, so half-full, am I right?

While the number was up 9 percent from a year ago, when monthly active users stood at 288 million, the figures showed that Mr. Dorsey’s moves had made little impact in attracting new users.

Maybe you didn't fire enough people? That must be it.

I made this cool Venn diagram. 100k a year plus portfolio sounds reasonable.

As user growth has decelerated, the pressure for Twitter to show that it can appeal to the public at large has been intensified by the specter of Facebook, which, at 1.59 billion users, is five times the size of Twitter. 

Yeah, but think of all the eggs, cam whores and con artists that aren't on there because the rules make it hard for them. Won't someone think of the shills and scum? 

“In the face of continuing pressure to add users and not a lot of movement, can they shift the attention somewhere else?”

Hey, look behind you! No, really! If you don't turn around right now something horrible will happen!

Shares of Twitter have been pummeled over the last year, dropping around 67 percent. The stock fell in after-hours trading on Wednesday.

Nice to see a good old fashioned tech bubble in today's day and age. I feel absolutely wistful.

But Twitter’s outlook was lower than projected by Wall Street. The company estimated revenue of $595 million to $610 million in the current quarter, compared with Wall Street expectations of $628 million.

When the nation debt is 20 trillion numbers like this are met with a bored stone-face.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.