News You Can't Use: Step Into Our Selfie Booth and Help Us Build Our Brand

If there's two ideologies I will aggressively defend with my life and treasure it's narcissism and building brand identity. This is especially true now that this blog has somehow become ground zero for sports wagering "systems" and "pick up artist" get the ladies via hypnosis spam. Clearly I'm on the very brink of leveraging my new status as a dumping ground for terrible and completely bogus goods and services into CEOing for 10/k per week. And when I'm doing it I'll be sure to take lots of pictures, because I'm nature's most incredible creation and you'll never get sick of it.

First there were selfies. Then there were selfie sticks. Now comes a new phase: selfie booths, which some stores and other businesses are adding as a sort of next-generation photo kiosk.

It's really the same old shit we had in malls in the eighties, but we'll pretend this is some exciting new breakthrough because we need at least one story that isn't about Donald Trump's ice cream social blunders.

In the age of ubiquitous social media, these booths and rooms seem to be the latest way to engage customers and build a brand.

Wait, entire rooms? How wasteful do you have to be to have a "selfie room" at your not properly established brand? Just go in there and duck-face, and remember, no one gets your teeth whiter than Alpha N' Omega Brand mouth bleacher.

At several branches of the optical company Warby Parker, myopics unsure if those tortoiseshell frames are really “them” can jump into the on-site selfie booth, snap off some images and email them to friends and family for a second (and third, fourth and fifth) opinion.

Great glasses, dudemar. Let me click the little blue button to formally register my approval. We're "friends."

At Paintbox, a nail studio in New York City, clients can get a manicure, then insert their hands into a photo box where their latest coat of metallic teal will be immortalized.

Latest coat of metallic teal! I'm a serious author!!! I'M WRITING!!!!!!!!!11111oneoneone

And at Doomie’s, a vegan restaurant in Toronto, there is a dedicated selfie room where patrons stand in front of a mirror, snap a photo and post it to social media, often with a caption like “just emerged from my food coma.”

And just got ready to enter my real coma brought on by a poor diet and endless virtue signaling. Look pale and weak at Doomie's, fellow righteous eaters! Document the slow wasting away process with lots of tacky photos!

“When we were planning the restaurant, we wanted clever ways to promote it and differentiate it, and the younger demographic always wants something Instagram-able,” said one of Doomie’s owners, Hellenic Vincent De Paul.
 
The original "Meet your Doom at Doomie's: Come here and die" slogan met with tepid enthusiasm, at best.

The restaurant had an unused basement room, so Mr. De Paul painted the floor white and had the walls papered in cartoons by an artist known as Vegan Sidekick.

Stranger approaches for no discernible reason. "Hey buddy, I'm vegan!" Before you can even formulate a response the Vegan Sidekick pops out. "Me too!"

The novelty has prompted a lot of publicity, including by the Canadian Broadcasting Corporation.

This is just the thing to air after the hockey game but before the maple syrup documentary.

A lot of people are like, ‘Let’s go to the vegan restaurant with the selfie room.’ ”

It's either that or the other plan of taking turns punching ourselves in the abdomen. I'm still undecided, here.

Here is a sure sign that the selfie booth is officially ready for its close-up: The Tracy Anderson Method, a fitness chain with a high-end cult following — Lena Dunham is an acolyte, and Gwyneth Paltrow is a partner — installed just such a nook in its new 6,000-square-foot studio on East 59th Street in Manhattan.

It's hard to imagine a better endorsement for a gym than "Lena Dunham goes here."

Morgen Schick, a Ford model turned beauty and anti-aging guru, sidled into the bright white photo booth on a recent morning and pondered the tools she could use to embellish her selfie: props in the booth include tiny flags festooned with hearts and a pair of weights — and there are four photographic filters, all designed to flatter like mad.

Surely this will ward off the grim specter of death following a life completely wasted.

“That’s not bad,” said Ms. Schick, 52, examining herself on the screen before clicking. “There isn’t a filter to make me look 25, but that’s O.K. We’re embracing the now.”

This was followed by three hours of weeping and wailing.

Full Article. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

News You Can't Use: Feeling Out Of Sorts? It Might Be Something In Your Salad

I don't think I've ever seen a thin person drinking a "diet" soda and encounters with healthy salad-lovers are possibly even more rare. You might think this is because the green leaves lack any of the basic nutrients required to sustain the human organism and the person is slowly wasting away, but it turns out that's wrong. It's actually copper. Despite removing this most poisonous of metals from our pennies and no doubt saving millions of lives in the process it has returned, lurking inside fad starvation diet "super foods." This is what's actually causing your vegan "friends" to look half-dead and to be unable to shut up about their preferences in stomach filler.

Kale, coconuts, and avocados could be bad for you.

Better stick with lots of swine products, where at least we know for sure how it will ruin your life and don't have to engage in any speculation.

Experts say there’s something metallic lurking in those foods, in our water, and elsewhere that could be making us feel miserable.

Could it be that the tin-foil hat community was actually correct about "Franken-foods?"

“People will come in with very non-specific symptoms; they feel moody, have depression, difficulty falling asleep,” Dr. Svetlana Kogan explained. 

I came in feeling all shook up with ants in my pants and general man on fuzzy tree itching and my mean doctor said "Get that smile off your face, you'll be dead in three months." Then I went to the Moodiness Treatment Center of America.

After some investigation Dr. Kogan — an internist — said she found that copper is increasingly the culprit.

It seems fairly plausible, I'm not gonna lie.

“Copper is an essential element,” she explained.

I'm not anti-copper. I want to make this very clear from the start.

Certain foods like shellfish, leafy greens, cashews, and chickpeas are naturally high in copper.

This is why they're forbidden by Mosaic Law.

“These are wonderful things to have as part of our diet, but if somebody is consuming excess they could certainly be at risk,” she said.

It's healthy and wonderful, but it will kill you if you eat a little more.

“If you had six cups of coffee and you’re feeling jittery, that’s the feeling to describe copper toxicity,” she explained.

Imagine taking a bath in warm Dr. Pepper...it's a lot like that.

Environmental exposure to things like copper water pipes may also be a factor.

Don't forget power lines and loud noises! *takes a deep drag off cigarette*

“We always recommend to have your water tested,” said Rob Zadotti.

You can get a kit for that from Conspiracy Planet, Inc.

Zadotti, co-owner of Gold Medal Service, said if the PH of your water is not within a safe range it will start to deteriorate the lining of your copper pipes.

We're supposed to be bashing salad here, Z-man, not worrying about pipes.

As for treating copper toxicity, Kogan prescribed an infrared sauna.

Your local YMCA probably has one.

“Patient is literally sweating out the toxins,” she said.

Bleep bloop, human unit is literally emitting foul-smelling coolant via unknown process. I'm a doctor.

More importantly — as she outlines in her book ‘Diet Slave No More’ — Kogan said it’s important to eat foods that are balanced.
 
You just knew there would be a book. We're so sick of talent-free hacks trying to sell us waste-of-trees ink spills, am I right or what? 

“Full of rainbow colored vegetables and fruits, and avoid focusing on one group,” she said.

Make sure the color combination is pleasing and varied, that's important.

 #7 will blow your mind!

Prolonged use of estrogen medications such as birth control pulls may also contribute to an increased level of copper in the body.

Interfering with normal biological processes may be bad, we can't rule that out.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

It’s NOT COPPER,it is what they are SPRAYING IN OUR SKIES, LOOK UP!!!!

Does this now apply to “Tommy Copper” clothes as well? 

FAKE NEWS…. no substantial research done. It would be like reporting that long sea journeys caused scurvy for the British sailors of yore.

Go to geoengineeringwatch.org if you want to wake up.

That does it. I am going back to McDoubles.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

News You Can't Use: Vegetarians Less Healthy, Lower Quality Of Life Than Meat-Eaters

I eat food. That's all there is to it, it's not a political statement or ideological minefield. If you told me my diet could be better, I'd laugh, agree with you and then make absolutely no changes. Somehow this works out and I've managed to neither waste away or develop real curves that you probably couldn't handle. Still, there are times, in my weaker moments when my natural hatred of cows and pigs has been temporarily appeased, when I wonder if there isn't a better a way, a way of glistening health, weak bones, madness, premature death and lots of self-satisfaction.

Vegetarians may have a lower BMI and drink alcohol sparingly, but vegetarian diets are tied to generally poorer health, poorer quality of life and a higher need for health care than their meat-eating counterparts.

No booze. Bad health. Constantly swiping that Obama card. This is why no one ever says "Man, I want to party hardy with those awesome vegetarians!"

A new study from the Medical University of Graz in Austria finds that vegetarians are more physically active, drink less alcohol and smoke less tobacco than those who consume meat in their diets.

This clean living earns a short of life of misery. As you might expect.

But the vegetarian diet — characterized by a low consumption of saturated fats and cholesterol that includes increased intake of fruits, vegetables and whole-grain products — carries elevated risks of cancer, allergies and mental health disorders.

Who knew that "can't stop yapping about my allegedly superior life style" is a mental illness. Eat a steak, it'll fix your developing psychosis.

Vegetarians were twice as likely to have allergies, a 50 percent increase in heart attacks and a 50 percent increase in incidences of cancer.

The vegetables do try to warn you off with their horrible taste. Will we see laws limiting and outlawing their consumption now? Or at least federal mandates on required burger intake? We've got to get those health care costs down, after all. This ballpark frank could save your life.

The most significant dietary habit difference between meat-eaters and vegetarians concerned their BMI and alcohol consumption – with both being higher for those who consume meat.

Well, it's not like you're going to have a beer to help bring out the delicious taste of that bowl of battered carrots and organic brown something or other.

Many past studies have instead put an emphasis on the health risks associated with red meat and carnivorous diets, but this study points the other dietary direction.

Everything you eat will kill you. You are going to die. The grave awaits. The common fate of humanity. Stop pretending this isn't true.

However, the researchers do caution that continuing studies will be needed to substantiate some of the rather broad dietary distinctions, associations presented in this current research.

"We're gonna need more money, of course."

"We don't. Which is why I've had three heart attacks and suffer from paranoid schizophrenia."

Vegetarians reported higher levels of impairment from disorders, chronic diseases, and “suffer significantly more often from anxiety/depression.”

I can see how eating endless foul tasting and hard-to-chew koala food could cause that depression.

Subjects who consumed lower amounts of animal fat were also linked to poor health care practices, such as avoidance of vaccinations and a lack of preventive care.

You mean that girl from "Singled Out" isn't a trustworthy source of health care information? No. I don't believe it. Yelling in an annoying fashion while directing all the guys with smaller endowments off a stage makes you more credible than any so-called doctor.

The researchers conclude: “Our study has shown that Austrian adults who consume a vegetarian diet are less healthy (in terms of cancer, allergies, and mental health disorders), have a lower quality of life, and also require more medical treatment.”

The line "Yeah. Suck on that health freaks." was removed from the final draft.

The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention notes that healthy diets rich in fruits and vegetables may reduce the risk of cancer and other chronic diseases for all dietary groups.

As long as that healthy diet also contains plenty of dead animals and healthy brown liquors. 

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

Vegetarian: Old Indian word for "Bad Hunter"

Ever met a vegetarian that isn't blowing their nose or coughing? Every vegetarian I know is constantly sick.

coarse they are going to die, they are not vegan they are test subjects of BIG FARMER!

There is nothing like a ham and cheese sandwitch.

Fifteen people and all are dead. Draw your own conclusions.

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.