News You Can't Use: Coca-Cola Breaks 130-year-old Tradition with First Alcoholic Drink

As you sit on a ruined couch gasping for breath behind multiple sweating rolls of adipose tissue resulting from, among other things, high fructose corn syrup beverages, you're probably wondering if the soda jerks could possibly destroy your life at a faster rate. The good news is "yes," with the addition of a secret ingredient that isn't well understood but has been linked to slurred speech, "wooing" and puking into dumpsters. This so-called "mixed drink" has apparently never been attempted before and as such here's an article all about it.

With its iconic red label and secret recipe, it’s been one of the world’s most famous soft drinks for more than a century. Now, however, Coca-Cola is on the brink of a new chapter – with plans to launch its first alcoholic drink.

Writing the first paragraph is always the hardest, as evidenced by the respective drivel produced by both your humble blogger and the author of this amazing bit of fraud news. Yes, everything is "iconic." We can now through that word on the scrap heap with all the other ones we've ruined like "epic," "literally," "justice" and all the rest.

The company is currently experimenting with the creation of a popular type of Japanese alcopop known as Chu-Hi, containing distilled shochu alcohol mixed with flavoured carbonate water.

That wild Japanese culture. Soda and alcohol? It sounds crazy and alien, but I could actually see it working, maybe.

The low alcohol canned drink will be launched in Japan, home to a thriving if competitive industry, with countless Chu-Hi flavoured drinks – from kiwi to yuzu - sitting on convenience store shelves across the country.

I just have a hard time imagining the polite and clean Land of the Rising Sun convenience stores.

Highlighting how “unique” this venture was for the company, Mr Garduño, who did not specify a timeline for the new product, added: “Coca-Cola has always focused entirely on non-alcoholic beverages, and this is a modest experiment for a specific slice of our market.

I guess as long as we keep it safe in sarcasm quotes the word "unique" will continue to retain its original meaning. 

“The Chu-Hi category is found almost exclusively in Japan. Globally, it’s not uncommon for non-alcoholic beverages to be sold in the same system as alcoholic beverages. It makes sense to give this a try in our market.”

Me like make money. Give me money. This is bliss.

Coca-Cola’s inaugural foray into the world of alcoholic beverages takes place more than 130 years after the original drink was first launched in the US, minus any alcohol in order to circumvent restrictive prohibition laws.

Because historical illiteracy is kewl!

It coincides with shrinking global demand for soft fizzy drinks, due to health concerns relating to sugar consumption, with sports drinks and water emerging as Coca-Cola’s strongest performing beverages.

The struggles of the world's best writers: "What's another word for soda?" After an hour pouring over the Thesaurus the best I could manage was "fizzy drinks."

I'm turning Japanese, I really think so.

Meanwhile, Japan’s alcopop market has grown expansively since the country’s first ready-to-drink Chu-Hi product for stores – called hiLicky - was reportedly released in 1983, with young women fuelling sales. 

This allegedly came out in 1983, we are told.

Full Article.

Komment Korner   

There are entire towns in south MN that do not carry Coke.

Truly pathetic comment - is your name ‘chickin lickin’ by any chance?

The flavoring agent goes to make Coke and the cocaine goes to a St Louis Company that purifies it for medicinal purposes and sells it to doctors, dentists, etc.

Similar disgust as Bi chew from China. Shows Coke are finally losing the plot. Warren Buffet should pull his investments

Well no-one's forcing you to drink it. It's a Japanese thing

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Twitter User Growth Comes to a Halt

I'm all about that tiny blue bird and, honestly, who could blame me? The opportunity to participate in an online bathroom wall is not something any sane person would pass on and let's be honest, any idea that can't be communicated in 140 characters isn't worth considering. And the entertainment! Hashtag games! Celebrities committing thought crime and getting slapped down after the pathetic apologizes. Jokes based on misinterpreting the lyrics of thirty-year-old Sir Mix-a-lot songs. You know what, maybe the imminent death of this thing isn't the worst news I've ever heard, although there's no way I'm giving up my "followers," many of whom might be actual human beings, at least in the loosest possible definition.

When Jack Dorsey returned last year as chief executive of Twitter, the social media company he co-founded, he had a mandate: Right a sinking ship.

Get in there and just fix everything! Never mind the details, I'm a vision person. I'm sure you'll think of something. Maybe gutting the "direct message" function? Changing "favorites" to something easier for the mush-minds to comprehend? Tiny lightning bolts that call to mind nazi atrocities? Yep, you've got many great ideas. Right that ship, son. Aw, yeah.

Since then, Mr. Dorsey, 39, has laid off employees and deep-sixed an expansion of its headquarters in San Francisco.

I love the changes you made, Mr. Dorsey! What, I'm fired? Well, this gravy train wasn't gonna last, I understand. Can you set me up with a position in some non-profit?

He has appointed new executives and shaken up the company’s board. And when it comes to making changes to Twitter’s core product, nothing is sacred.

Wow, this guy must be twenty feet tall and made of solid steel.

But change is not coming fast enough.

We've been hearing that a lot since 2008.

On Wednesday, after many quarters of slowing user growth, Twitter said its monthly visitors in the fourth quarter totaled 320 million — exactly the same as the company reported in the previous quarter.

Despite this stagnation I'm still offered lots of exciting chances to "buy followers" and participate in other allied scams, so half-full, am I right?

While the number was up 9 percent from a year ago, when monthly active users stood at 288 million, the figures showed that Mr. Dorsey’s moves had made little impact in attracting new users.

Maybe you didn't fire enough people? That must be it.

I made this cool Venn diagram. 100k a year plus portfolio sounds reasonable.

As user growth has decelerated, the pressure for Twitter to show that it can appeal to the public at large has been intensified by the specter of Facebook, which, at 1.59 billion users, is five times the size of Twitter. 

Yeah, but think of all the eggs, cam whores and con artists that aren't on there because the rules make it hard for them. Won't someone think of the shills and scum? 

“In the face of continuing pressure to add users and not a lot of movement, can they shift the attention somewhere else?”

Hey, look behind you! No, really! If you don't turn around right now something horrible will happen!

Shares of Twitter have been pummeled over the last year, dropping around 67 percent. The stock fell in after-hours trading on Wednesday.

Nice to see a good old fashioned tech bubble in today's day and age. I feel absolutely wistful.

But Twitter’s outlook was lower than projected by Wall Street. The company estimated revenue of $595 million to $610 million in the current quarter, compared with Wall Street expectations of $628 million.

When the nation debt is 20 trillion numbers like this are met with a bored stone-face.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: YouTube Offers U.S. Subscribers Paid Option With No Ads

If this is the only site on the internet you visit, something I do recommend, it's my duty to inform you that today is "future day" or something, celebrating the date mentioned in a 1989 movie when the hero would arrive in an amazing future. Suffice it to say this film's predictions regarding autumn of 2015, fueled by Reagan-era optimism and a desire to instill mirth rather than crushing despair in audiences, have proven less than accurate. There is no Jaws 10, self-tying shoes haven't even been seriously attempted, cars are boxy, economical and don't fly and skateboarding technology is, if anything, in retrograde since they stopped making those Tony Hawk television games.

On the other hand, this brave world is not without amazing innovations. Innovations like attaching commercials parasite-style to homemade videos and then offering a chance to make them go away in exchange for some fiat currency.

Alphabet Inc's YouTube will launch a $10-a-month subscription option in the United States on Oct. 28 that will allow viewers to watch videos from across the site without interruption from advertisements, the company said on Wednesday. 

The same ignorant and easily led herd that makes horrible garbage popular now has a chance to pay money for something that (shhhh, don't tell anyone I told you this) can be easily acquired for free. It's hard to imagine the motley assembly of suckers, mouth-breathers and Madison Avenue fantasy marks made flesh that will toss a Hamilton on this pile and it's maybe best not to try.

Starting early next year, the service called YouTube Red will add exclusive shows and movies from top YouTube creators including PewDiePie, Lilly Singh and The Fine Brothers.

This was the "horrible garbage" alluded to in the previous paragraph.

"Consumers are embracing paid subscriptions of ad-free content at an incredible pace," Robert Kyncl, YouTube's chief business officer, said at an event at YouTube's production space in Los Angeles.

"It's like you morons are willing to just give me money and all you get in exchange is a removal of obnoxious and insulting content that can already be defeated in a variety of ways. Man, I love getting paid off of you idiots."

The effort offers a new source of revenue for YouTube and its video creators.

It's like the traditional media is being slowly rebuilt piecemeal from first principles. Maybe call this service "cable television."

Rival streaming sites such as Vessel and Interactive Corp's Vimeo are luring online stars to their paid offerings, which provide creators a larger cut of revenue than they typically receive from YouTube's ad-supported videos. Facebook also is taking steps to boost video viewership on its site.

Any talk about this not being an intellectual golden age can now stop.

YouTube will continue to offer its free, ad-supported service, which has more than 1 billion viewers around the world.

That sure is a relief, now I can aggressively upbraid all the "Youtube is gonna end" and "Facebook gwine charge you startin' Nivbembar!" human units littering social media.

Sure told you! Well, gotta go pay my direct teevee bill.

Creators of 99 percent of the content watched on YouTube have agreed to make their videos available on YouTube Red, Kyncl said. 

The remaining videos are presumably investment tips, portfolio management, how I buy elections and other one percent material.

A Disney spokeswoman did not immediately respond for a request for comment.

Please respond. Fast Disney is fast.

The YouTube Red service will be available initially only in the United States.

Congratulations USA, you're the test market for this trick bag.

Users who sign up for YouTube Red through Apple Inc's app store will pay $13 a month.

Over the course of a few paragraphs the price has already gone up. What kind of jive is this?

YouTube also launched a new YouTube Music app that is free to watch with ads. Subscribers to YouTube Red can watch YouTube Music content without the ads.
 

You're not getting that hoverboard, stop asking.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

Apparently people don't know you can block those ads for free with Firefox (using a plugin).

I'd rather eat McDonald's grey burger bun than pay YouTube $$ to filter out the ads.
 

in the eternal words of Judas Priest: 'You(tube) got another thing coming'

History repeats itself! This is how cable TV started

As my dad said, ignorance is expensive.

You lost me at poopoodie. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

DotTeeVee: Cobra's Economic Recovery Plan

You would think you could safely dismiss eighties cartoons designed to sell low-quality plastic toys as a source of cutting edge political commentary, but you'd be completely in error to do so. From old episodes of "Silverhawks" that explored flat tax proposals to the questions of rule of law and human rights frequently raised by "Central Organization of Police Specialists" these cheaply animated and lazily written morality plays are an absolute gold mine of complex socio-political theorizing as opposed to our televised news programs which are little more than reheated Soviet-era Pravda with better make-up and hair styles and less "That's Vodka For You!" humorous asides.

Consider today's subject, lifted from "G.I. Joe." Even without the Big Ideas that inevitably took center stage it was a memorable cartoon, teaching a generation that war is a bloodless theme park ride where the most effective weapon is the human fist. Seriously, the laser guns that were heavily featured are completely incapable of hitting a biological target (vehicles and robots get torn to bits, oddly enough). Instead five to the face is the most effective anti-terrorism countermeasure. The only problem is there are at least a few problems that can't be defeated by punching them. Problems like fiat currency, the gold standard and how evil anthropomorphic snake monsters can turn them against us.

The clip starts in typical cartoon villain fashion, with the "whatever device" de jour being prepared for a trial run in the headquarters of the malevolent COBRA organization, a sort of non-denominational group dedicated to trolling the world with ill-conceived evil. I'm talking things like defacing the moon or shooting mind control rays into our loved ones, all too typical and banal. Well, today's psychotic prank is going to be a little more original.

Let's declare victory now, I'm sure this arrogance won't come back to bite me later.

The device is activated by a man with a metal head who still seems capable of showing the full range of facial movement despite this rather obvious disability. A stack of money, the poor innocent victim of these monsters, bursts into flames. No, anything but that! Cobra Commander celebrates in his typical over the top and more than a little effeminate fashion. Stoic and capable are two words we're not going to be using to describe this man-snake villain. 

Meanwhile some of our heroes are apparently gambling while on duty (they all have their impractical and totally unique uniforms on). Apparently the stakes are pretty high based on the pile of cash in the center of the table, which I find a little hard to believe in light of the fact that even high-ranking officers in charge of our nuclear arsenal can't afford this sort of problem gambling. Anyway, we quickly check off the usual poker game cliches (Gotta pay to see 'em, too rich for my blood, who dealt this mess, where's my luck, etc) and get a chance to highlight the half-assed nature of this show in a long shot where the cards and table are the same color to save the animators several precious minutes of giving the cards actual backs. Later the cards will have red backs, but who honestly cares. We're here to learn Austrian School Economics, after all.

 

The pre-9-11 American military.

The purpose of this scene, of course, is so the money can explode, thus alerting our heroes to the latest menace facing the Free World. The fact that this makes them look somewhat less than pro-active and even derelict in their duty doesn't really matter since it efficiently moves the plot forward and we've got toys to sell here. Money being attacked. This is bad. Got it.

              If we gambled with matchsticks like normal soldiers this wouldn't have happened.

Democracy's last line of defense panics and then lapses into empty threats, which I have to concede is a pretty accurate depiction of what would really happen in such a crisis. Cobra Commander then appears on the big screen to drop exposition on us, essentially rendering this goofy scene meaningless. He delivers what resembles a mid-term election soft-money ad (Call Snake Eyes and tell him our children matter!) more than villainous blackmail, going on about the irresponsible fiscal policy of our leaders, economic restructuring ("This is awesome!" says eight-year-old Timmy) and "the worthless green paper your government has deceived you into thinking is valuable." Yes friends, "End the Fed" was inspired by this episode.

While the horrific serpent-man announces his Tea Party candidacy we get various wacky vignettes of an ATM machine dispensing handfuls of ash, money burning in some woman's wall safe and a used car dealership interaction where both the lemon and the money paid for it self-destruct. Anyone who says this show can't do intentional humor needs to check themselves, this stuff is top shelf.

 Home Alone Part 27: Abandoned in Assisted Living.

Justifiably outraged citizens gather around the treasury building chanting "We Want Money!" Well I think it's the treasury. It's either that or another Democratic Party Presidential Convention. Inside, the money is all ruined while some civilian that doesn't even get his own action figure talks doom and gloom. Apparently there's massive rioting and looting and the only way to restore order is to somehow revive the fiction that inked-up pieces of cloth have actual value. In summary, "printing new currency," which should always be the go-to solution for everything, is off the table. 

We need you to tell us who this "John Galt" is.

While our special forces gripe ineffectually, Cobra Commander has apparently purchased more television time. I have a feeling this episode ends with G.I. Joe proposing campaign finance reform laws. This time the terrorist leader is announcing "Cobra's Economic Recovery Plan." You know, as evil as this guy is even he wouldn't bail out bankers, so I'm willing to listen. Like any good politician he reminds us of the children (sadly no "folks," "good book," or "God's green Earth) and demands we bring all our goods to a legitimate business he apparently runs when he's not shrinking world leaders or sending "trouble bubbles" to shoot at various military hardware.

What do we get for our worldly possessions? The answer, of course, is a return to the Gold Standard via "Cobra Currency." I mean, I don't support carving the Cobra symbol into the moon or anything, but compared to 18 trillion and counting in debt this seems pretty reasonable. G.I. Joe is all "I can't believe this idiot revealed where his secret corporate base is" and with that the clip ends. Will our heroes save us from being nailed to the Cross of Gold or will the great and noble Federal Reserve fall to pure evil? Tune in next week, I guess.

 Hope and Change.

Komment Korner

I can't believe that a cartoon is actually showing what is going to happen in 2018.

HOLY SHIT COBRA COMMANDER IS A LIBERTARIAN

COBRA/PAUL 2016

It is a scary thought that the good guys had the snakes on their chest.

I would vote for cobra.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.