News You Can't Use: Domino’s Staff Member Forced to Kneel as a Gun is Pointed at his Head

Ordering cultural appropriation versions of Italian cuisine can easily turn into a total and complete disaster so it's probably not a surprise that every so often there's blow-back from the endlessly put-upon martyrs who just wanted a reasonably cheap and warm carb-load in a box left outside the front door. It's even less surprising when this sudden reversal takes place in a Southern Hemisphere penal colony. Yes, let's head Down Under to meet a man who was pushed too far by the whole "thirty minutes or less" trick bag and decided to perform a deleted scene from "Falling Down" on a wage slave.

Chilling footage of the moment a man pointed a shortened firearm in the face of a Domino’s Pizza Smithfield staff member has been released.

Chilling, just like the ice-cold pizza that came three hours after I ordered it. Seriously, I was wronged and my complaints are legitimate, how come no one cares?

Philip Raymond Willich was angry. He had been unable to get a discount when ordering his pizza on the phone.

Some smooth-talker told me I could get a deep discount if I mentioned my affiliation with the Professional Domino Player League, but it turned out to be a shuck.

So he went to the shop to confront the young staff member Isaac Ramsay, and asked him to step outside for a chat on October 21, 2015. 

Protip: When a confrontational yabbo wants to "chat" outside you should refuse.

Police Prosecutor Senior Sergeant Lisa Buchanan said Willich, 53, had wanted an apology.

I could have just said "sorry" and deescalated everything, but my fanatical loyalty to a place that produces something that tastes like a spicy rubber tire demanded I refuse.

When it wasn’t forthcoming he drew the weapon, which had been concealed under his clothes, and pointed it at Mr Ramsay’s head.

Looks like you're really going to earn that minimum wage today.

“It is the most serious common assault I have seen to obtain an apology for not getting a discount on a takeaway pizza,” Snr Sgt Buchanan said.

Yes. This was the worst version of that highly specific scenario I've ever seen.

“It wasn’t loaded but the victim wasn’t aware of that.” 

That's not a gun. THIS is a gun.

Snr Sgt Buchanan said Mr Ramsay was effectively “begging for his life”.

No apologies, though. I'd rather die than express regret that you didn't get a reduced price from my distant and faceless employer.

Under Queensland law, Willich must spend at least 12 months in jail because of the weapons charge.
 
It only took about two years to finally reach this conclusion. Now to start planning the cruel and unusual punishment.

Defence solicitor Paul Richardson handed up two comprehensive reports about his client, which described Willich has having narcissistic personality traits, high alcoholism and a depressive disorder.

I love myself so much, I'm profoundly depressed, time to drink lots of top-shelf booze.

 What do you mean this offer is expired? *pulls gun*

“The common assault was a very serious example of common assault,” Magistrate Alan Comans said, adding that they were also someone calculated.

This thing was an excellent example of this thing.

He committed the assault in the most menacing and frightening way.

As opposed to all those friendly and comforting assaults, I guess.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Man Robs Store Wearing Flower Pot as Disguise, Wielding Chainsaw

You come from a land down under. You tilt that bottle. You watch too many horror movies, are deeply involved in botany and are robbery-curious. Can these disparate details be combined into one of those rare moments when the banality of evil suddenly becomes the amazing originality of evil? The answer probably won't surprise you.

If there were awards for such things, an Australian teen would assuredly win the prize for most unique robbery attempt.

If there were awards for such things there would finally be something other than "most soda consumed" and "fastest decline" for U.S. Americans to shine out in, efforts of our friends on the bottom of the globe notwithstanding.

According to the Queensland Times, police were called to a local 7-Eleven store after reports that a chainsaw-wielding suspect, wearing a flowerpot on his head to disguise his identity, made a memorable attempt to rob the store.

We are all witnesses. We will never forget. A crazed, boozed up Aussie who was probably all "that's not a portable mechanical saw...THIS is a portable mechanical saw!" will live forever in the memories of all those he touched, threatened or tried to saw limbs off of.

The New South Wales Chainsaw Massacre, featuring Pot Head.

Workers at the convenience store say around 4:30 a.m. Monday the suspect, Steven Frank Steele, entered the store and began terrorizing them in an attempt to rob the place. 

"When you work this sort of job you expect to be terrorized and get pretty jaded toward it."

They say Steele "lunged at them" with the chainsaw and then attacked several display racks and a window while demanding money.

No, not the display of hangover cures, artificial marijuana and assorted uppers and downers!

Police say things got even more bizarre when Steele dropped his pants "exposing his buttocks" to the shocked store employees.

PG-13 nudity = shocking. Chain saw attacks...eh, I've been through worse on the late shift.

Instead of handing over cash, the two employees fled to a back room to escape the chaos.

"I don't get paid enough to look at man ass! The threat of physical violence is bad, too. I guess."

Steele allegedly then gave up and left with only a bottle of soda.

"Well, better pull up those pants and grab a Coke."

Steele is charged with multiple crimes, including one count of armed robbery, two counts of willful damage, one count of public nuisance and with damaging a parked vehicle while fleeing the crime scene.

Leave it to the criminal justice system to ruin this "wacky" incident by getting all legalistic.

Investigators say Steele was drunk during the late-night rampage.

I blame those giant beer cans. 

Full Article. 

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.