News You Can't Use: Woman Mistakes Meeting for Trump Gathering, Smears Peanut Butter on Cars

Are you aware that there's an election in the United States coming up in November? Probably not, it's been a very noncontroversial and sedate lead-up to what is certain to be a well-supervised and fraud-free snout count. Still, it's a great time for people with faulty mental functioning and I don't just mean the chance to get paid by acting as shock troops for the Democrats. There's also just the chance to theme your meltdowns into something nice and topical instead of the usual "stop stalking me" or headbanging behavior.

An Amherst woman is expected to be charged with disorderly conduct after she smeared peanut butter on 30 vehicles she believed were parked outside a Trump gathering.

Savor this sentence like an aged cognac, in a few weeks it will all be over and the Ministry of Truth will be back to reporting our military victories in Yemen and how we're certainly not teetering on the edge of civil and/or nuclear war. For now, let's talk about a woman with bad head-wiring who meticulously applied Jiff, presumably after drawing little hearts in each can with a knife, to numerous vehicles. You're gonna need those proteins and massive calorie content after all that hard work.

Investigators said the gathering was actually a conservation group and had nothing to do with politics.

Trust me, our discussion circle on the little red book is completely apolitical.

The incident was reported Monday evening when the group's meeting was interrupted by a woman that appeared intoxicated. 

Yet another incident we can blame on demon juice. Don't worry, booze-bags are also on the shortlist of paid under-the-table in Soros paper donkey party professionals. 

According to the incident report, the woman identified by deputies as Christina Ferguson, 32, entered the meeting and began yelling she hated Donald Trump. The woman was asked to leave, and did.

I asked you to leave and you did. Everyone's happy.

Drinking is very sophisticated.

According to the incident report the woman used peanut butter to make phallic symbols and wrote profanity across the windshield of another vehicle.

This is really some high effort chaos for a prematurely aged cork-sucker. Let's meticulously draw the male wedding gear on dozens of cars. Also, cussing. It's almost like all those alcohol commercials are lying to us about all the fun we'll get out of binge drinking.

Ferguson had a preliminary breath alcohol concentration of .218.

When you're above the Mendoza Line with the old alcohol concentration you might find yourself in trouble.

Ferguson is free on bond. 

You call this justice? *pukes into dumpster*

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Man Robs Store Wearing Flower Pot as Disguise, Wielding Chainsaw

You come from a land down under. You tilt that bottle. You watch too many horror movies, are deeply involved in botany and are robbery-curious. Can these disparate details be combined into one of those rare moments when the banality of evil suddenly becomes the amazing originality of evil? The answer probably won't surprise you.

If there were awards for such things, an Australian teen would assuredly win the prize for most unique robbery attempt.

If there were awards for such things there would finally be something other than "most soda consumed" and "fastest decline" for U.S. Americans to shine out in, efforts of our friends on the bottom of the globe notwithstanding.

According to the Queensland Times, police were called to a local 7-Eleven store after reports that a chainsaw-wielding suspect, wearing a flowerpot on his head to disguise his identity, made a memorable attempt to rob the store.

We are all witnesses. We will never forget. A crazed, boozed up Aussie who was probably all "that's not a portable mechanical saw...THIS is a portable mechanical saw!" will live forever in the memories of all those he touched, threatened or tried to saw limbs off of.

The New South Wales Chainsaw Massacre, featuring Pot Head.

Workers at the convenience store say around 4:30 a.m. Monday the suspect, Steven Frank Steele, entered the store and began terrorizing them in an attempt to rob the place. 

"When you work this sort of job you expect to be terrorized and get pretty jaded toward it."

They say Steele "lunged at them" with the chainsaw and then attacked several display racks and a window while demanding money.

No, not the display of hangover cures, artificial marijuana and assorted uppers and downers!

Police say things got even more bizarre when Steele dropped his pants "exposing his buttocks" to the shocked store employees.

PG-13 nudity = shocking. Chain saw attacks...eh, I've been through worse on the late shift.

Instead of handing over cash, the two employees fled to a back room to escape the chaos.

"I don't get paid enough to look at man ass! The threat of physical violence is bad, too. I guess."

Steele allegedly then gave up and left with only a bottle of soda.

"Well, better pull up those pants and grab a Coke."

Steele is charged with multiple crimes, including one count of armed robbery, two counts of willful damage, one count of public nuisance and with damaging a parked vehicle while fleeing the crime scene.

Leave it to the criminal justice system to ruin this "wacky" incident by getting all legalistic.

Investigators say Steele was drunk during the late-night rampage.

I blame those giant beer cans. 

Full Article. 

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.