News You Can't Use: Woman Mistakes Meeting for Trump Gathering, Smears Peanut Butter on Cars

Are you aware that there's an election in the United States coming up in November? Probably not, it's been a very noncontroversial and sedate lead-up to what is certain to be a well-supervised and fraud-free snout count. Still, it's a great time for people with faulty mental functioning and I don't just mean the chance to get paid by acting as shock troops for the Democrats. There's also just the chance to theme your meltdowns into something nice and topical instead of the usual "stop stalking me" or headbanging behavior.

An Amherst woman is expected to be charged with disorderly conduct after she smeared peanut butter on 30 vehicles she believed were parked outside a Trump gathering.

Savor this sentence like an aged cognac, in a few weeks it will all be over and the Ministry of Truth will be back to reporting our military victories in Yemen and how we're certainly not teetering on the edge of civil and/or nuclear war. For now, let's talk about a woman with bad head-wiring who meticulously applied Jiff, presumably after drawing little hearts in each can with a knife, to numerous vehicles. You're gonna need those proteins and massive calorie content after all that hard work.

Investigators said the gathering was actually a conservation group and had nothing to do with politics.

Trust me, our discussion circle on the little red book is completely apolitical.

The incident was reported Monday evening when the group's meeting was interrupted by a woman that appeared intoxicated. 

Yet another incident we can blame on demon juice. Don't worry, booze-bags are also on the shortlist of paid under-the-table in Soros paper donkey party professionals. 

According to the incident report, the woman identified by deputies as Christina Ferguson, 32, entered the meeting and began yelling she hated Donald Trump. The woman was asked to leave, and did.

I asked you to leave and you did. Everyone's happy.

Drinking is very sophisticated.

According to the incident report the woman used peanut butter to make phallic symbols and wrote profanity across the windshield of another vehicle.

This is really some high effort chaos for a prematurely aged cork-sucker. Let's meticulously draw the male wedding gear on dozens of cars. Also, cussing. It's almost like all those alcohol commercials are lying to us about all the fun we'll get out of binge drinking.

Ferguson had a preliminary breath alcohol concentration of .218.

When you're above the Mendoza Line with the old alcohol concentration you might find yourself in trouble.

Ferguson is free on bond. 

You call this justice? *pukes into dumpster*

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

DotTeeVee: I Got Arrested For Asking a Cop For ID!

The erosion of our rights is one of the more troubling recent trends, as the so-called "Land of Free" begins to resemble a coast-to-coast prison bloc where decent people are arrested and harassed for no good reason by badge carrying (but not showing!) fascists. If you were reading that and nodding your head in agreement, have I got the video for you. It's the incredible story of how a simple man stood in front of a tank, held up his hand, and said "No." Wait, my mistake. That was in China. It's actually some Canadian goof who acts like a jerk and then gets arrested.

Before we get started I should point out the author of this amazing stand against sub-prime tyranny calls himself "LaRouche Canada." If you don't know what a LaRouche supporter is, maybe a visual aid will help.

Oh, I get it. He's Hitler. Clever.

Yeah.

The video starts with our unseen, LaRouche voting anti-hero asking for the titular "ID" from some nebulous authority figure. The actual context of why this discussion is occurring in the first place has been excised, I guess to make his dissent seem more heroic. When we later find out (spoiler!) the issue in question is public intoxication it will make him even less sympathetic than he already is. 

When they came for the lush I said nothing, because I wasn't a lush.

The upshot is that no proper identification is forthcoming as the Orwellian nightmare unfolds itself. First, we're told "you guys have to leave." I guess they could just obey that order and there wouldn't have been any trouble, but this is a matter of principle, a sacred, sacred oath we have sworn to protect our right to get smashed in public parks. Even the threat of two young, less than imposing backup apparatchiks will not sway our hero and his drunken friend from their inspiring civil disobedience. As Thoreau might say, "Why aren't you here, drunk in a park."

 The junior anti-public drunkenness brigade.

Our young invincibles don't understand the "why" of this tyranny. Question authority, man. This effort to speak truth to power is deflated somewhat when the fascist notes that the truth-teller is so drunk he can barely stand. Sadly he simply falls silent instead of offering a mind-blowing rejoinder like "You're right I can barely stand...for this tyranny!" Far out.

We come full circle with more requests for identification. The stooge of The Powers that Be is all "I've got on this uniform." Our hero correctly notes that this proves nothing. It could just be a Halloween costume or something, right? Come on, use your imagination! Then he gets arrested and it's over.

Or is it? Well, yes, it is, but the last free man provides a postscript. I think I'll just let this LaRouche voting, park drinking, authority challenging Canuck take us home.

I asked this question for a reason. I was not trying to cause trouble. I was defending our rights. I was trying to have a rational discourse with him, and teach him a bit about how far gone the rightful interpretation of the law in Canada is. Instead he taught me.

I was then brought downtown, treated disrespectfully, and put in a cold solitary confinement cell for 7 hours for being drunk which i wasn't. 

He defended this right.

Komment Korner 

actually he's right..the US stepped in and beat the serbs..it's a victory

your shit disturbing at what i'm presuming is a zoo.... you should of just got your ass kicked instead.

honestly he should've just left

this video is a false idea

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.