News You Can't Use: Monster-Sized Goldfish are Taking Over an Alberta City

I've always assumed the purpose of goldfish is to provide children with an easily understood lesson in mortality and the exciting secondary functions a toilet can perform. That and maybe poor memory analogies, but even that's pushing it as far as I'm concerned. As it turns out, there are also "monster" versions of our forgetful die-easy friends and they're literally "taking over" Alberta City. Canada, I don't know what to say. At least our cities get conquered by credible threats like mole people and drug addicts in cartoon costumes.

Workers have dipped nets and a naturally occurring chemical into a storm water retention pond near Edmonton in a bid to kill thousands of unwanted goldfish that have made the water body home.

Goldfish that won't die swim that rivers of Bizarro World. Fortunately a "naturally occurring" chemical (cyanide) can be used to coat nets in doomed, fifties monster movie style attempts to save Edmonton.

Officials say the aquatic invaders are the result of goldfish reproducing after people released their unwanted pets into the wild or flushed them down the toilet.

Look what you goofball macgundies did. Our ecosystem is done like dinner.

Leah Kongsrude, St. Albert’s environment director, says she’s seen captured goldfish up to 30 centimetres in length, compared to ones sold by pet stores that measure only about two centimetres.

Since I'm American I have no idea how big or small that is. You might as well be speaking Sanskrit.

Kongsrude says goldfish are hardy and can out-compete naturally occurring species for food.

It sounds like the plot to a Sci-Fi Channel Original. Tonight: Whoa Canada, The Monster Goldfish Power Play.

Crews used nets on Tuesday to remove the reddish-gold swimmers and also applied the chemical, Rotenone, which is used to remove unwanted fish species from fresh water.

We'll be pouring chemicals into our fresh water. Don't worry, it's fine. That awkward moment when the "alien reptilian" conspiracy cranks are fully vindicated. We gotta stop those "reddish-gold swimmers." Coming up with synonyms for my high quality writing, it's a lot harder than it looks. 

Kongsrude said the city is lucky the fish are just in the pond and not in the Sturgeon River, which flows through St. Albert. 

Yeah, you really caught a break, Canucks.

“We pumped this pond down and froze it right to the bottom in the winter and they were back in the spring. So they can live with very limited oxygen and low water temperatures.”

We're running out of non-nuclear solutions.

“As much as your cute goldfish is in your tank, as soon as you let it out into the natural environment they grow, they become very competitive,” said Kongsrude.

Somehow your dead goldfish are undergoing some sort of dark resurrection and returning as unkillable monsters.

Alberta Environment has also come up with what Kongsrude called the best way to dispose of a dead fish — a fish coffin. 

Hey tuna, here's your tin.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Governments are Hiding Aliens, Claims Former Defence Minister

There's some weird stuff going on up there in America Junior. And I'm not even talking about the legal drugs everywhere, the speech and thought laws, the French, or the Edmonton Oilers getting yet another chance to ruin a first overall draft pick. No, there's stranger things going down than a mismanaged joke of a Hockey franchise that gets all the breaks. I'm talking about space aliens who are being concealed by the powers that be in Ottawa, something I think we all suspected deep down but has now been completely confirmed by a former leader of the Canadian military maple syrup bacon complex. 

A former defence minister has accused world leaders of concealing the presence of aliens.

My claim that the cover of the Megadeth album "Rust in Peace" was based on actual events has now been fully vindicated. I'm just waiting for confirmation that Jimmy Carter is full of Soviet cyborg parts and all my heavy metal conspiracy theories will be proven.

Paul Hellyer, who was a Canadian minister from 1963 to 1967, is now urging world powers to release what he believes to be hidden data on UFOs.

We don't even have college transcripts for our President, so good luck.

'Much of the media won't touch [the documents]', he said during a keynote speech at the Disclosure Canada Tour at the University of Calgary.

"Good news, class! Instead of learning dreary employment skills, today we're going to hear a speech from some crank who believes in fly saucers!"

'[The public] will say, in one way or another, "Mr President or Mr Prime Minister we want the truth and we want it now because it affects our lives."'

For this to happen the [internet pornography] and [television] will have to go down and stay down for several weeks and society must somehow not fully collapse during that time.

Hellyer, 91, first went public with his belief in aliens on Earth in 2005, becoming the first high ranking politician to do so.

Of course he's been out of office for nearly forty years. I'm just sayin'.

He claims that the aliens have 'been visiting our planet for thousands of years' and are unimpressed with how we live.

Snobs from another galaxy. Sure you united your planet, eliminated all war and crime and then mastered faster-than-light travel, but we keep churning out slight improvements in selfie and texting technology. That's got to count for something.

'We spend too much time fighting each other, we spend too much money on military expenditures and not enough on feeding the poor and looking after the homeless and sick,' he said.

It can now be confirmed that inscrutable intelligences from the other side of the universe are cut from the same cloth as that guy at the bar who rambles about "We got bombs, but no food, man" before staggering home to brutally pummel his wife and children.

Last year, the former Canadian defence minister declared on Russian TV that aliens are walking among us.

Something tells me there was a lot of patronizing "Da, tell more." in that interview.

But he said they are refusing to share their advanced technologies until we change our polluting and warring ways.

"We're not giving you this technology that would create pollution-free energy until you stop polluting." Whatever spaceman, don't let the door hit you on the way out.

In the bizarre interview, Hellyer made a series of pronouncements about aliens which grew increasingly outlandish and sounded closer to the plot of Star Trek.

I like how it got worse as the interview progressed. You haven't even seen the real crazy yet! I've got some Star Trek stuff here. Doomed redshirts, rubber-suit aliens, talking computers to death, ridiculous brawling, that sort of thing.

'They are very much afraid that we might be stupid enough to start using atomic weapons again.'

Your stupid minds! Stupid! Stupid!

Hellyer believes aliens are responsible for some of our modern technology including the microchip, LED light and Kevlar vest, he said.

But I thought they weren't sharing with us, what with the pollution and bombs and war and that guy over there called me a jerk, I think.

Hellyer described several types of aliens including 'Tall Whites' who are working with the U.S. air force in Nevada.

The BYU basketball team is not from outer space, sorry.

'They're able to get away with that; they had a couple of their ladies dressed as nuns go into Las Vegas to shop and they weren't detected,' he claimed.

Well, there's your great idea for a "Sister Act" reboot, Hollywood.

Well, how else would it get in there, smart guy?

 
A third group are called 'Nordic Blondes' and Hellyer said that if you meet one you'd probably say, 'I wonder if she's from Denmark or somewhere.'

Please ignore the fact that my alien delusions are also full of my bizarre racial purity theories.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

There is a rumor that the Aliens have demanded that 2015 is the year that the Governments either confirm their existence or they will will do a big "coming out" themselves.

Nurse, where's my tin foil hat!

The US spends $800 billion protecting the World from itself

Finally more proof there are crack pots at high levels of the Canadian government.

Sounds like this poor guy has flipped his lid.

Seriously, what the hell.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

DotTeeVee: I Got Arrested For Asking a Cop For ID!

The erosion of our rights is one of the more troubling recent trends, as the so-called "Land of Free" begins to resemble a coast-to-coast prison bloc where decent people are arrested and harassed for no good reason by badge carrying (but not showing!) fascists. If you were reading that and nodding your head in agreement, have I got the video for you. It's the incredible story of how a simple man stood in front of a tank, held up his hand, and said "No." Wait, my mistake. That was in China. It's actually some Canadian goof who acts like a jerk and then gets arrested.

Before we get started I should point out the author of this amazing stand against sub-prime tyranny calls himself "LaRouche Canada." If you don't know what a LaRouche supporter is, maybe a visual aid will help.

Oh, I get it. He's Hitler. Clever.

Yeah.

The video starts with our unseen, LaRouche voting anti-hero asking for the titular "ID" from some nebulous authority figure. The actual context of why this discussion is occurring in the first place has been excised, I guess to make his dissent seem more heroic. When we later find out (spoiler!) the issue in question is public intoxication it will make him even less sympathetic than he already is. 

When they came for the lush I said nothing, because I wasn't a lush.

The upshot is that no proper identification is forthcoming as the Orwellian nightmare unfolds itself. First, we're told "you guys have to leave." I guess they could just obey that order and there wouldn't have been any trouble, but this is a matter of principle, a sacred, sacred oath we have sworn to protect our right to get smashed in public parks. Even the threat of two young, less than imposing backup apparatchiks will not sway our hero and his drunken friend from their inspiring civil disobedience. As Thoreau might say, "Why aren't you here, drunk in a park."

 The junior anti-public drunkenness brigade.

Our young invincibles don't understand the "why" of this tyranny. Question authority, man. This effort to speak truth to power is deflated somewhat when the fascist notes that the truth-teller is so drunk he can barely stand. Sadly he simply falls silent instead of offering a mind-blowing rejoinder like "You're right I can barely stand...for this tyranny!" Far out.

We come full circle with more requests for identification. The stooge of The Powers that Be is all "I've got on this uniform." Our hero correctly notes that this proves nothing. It could just be a Halloween costume or something, right? Come on, use your imagination! Then he gets arrested and it's over.

Or is it? Well, yes, it is, but the last free man provides a postscript. I think I'll just let this LaRouche voting, park drinking, authority challenging Canuck take us home.

I asked this question for a reason. I was not trying to cause trouble. I was defending our rights. I was trying to have a rational discourse with him, and teach him a bit about how far gone the rightful interpretation of the law in Canada is. Instead he taught me.

I was then brought downtown, treated disrespectfully, and put in a cold solitary confinement cell for 7 hours for being drunk which i wasn't. 

He defended this right.

Komment Korner 

actually he's right..the US stepped in and beat the serbs..it's a victory

your shit disturbing at what i'm presuming is a zoo.... you should of just got your ass kicked instead.

honestly he should've just left

this video is a false idea

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.