News You Can't Use: Burgers Outselling Classic Baguette Sandwiches in France

Forget the baguette. The French are going crazy for burgers.

As your number one source of news from The Hexagon, I'm pleased to report that the long and ugly "Freedom Fries" wars have ended with total victory for the good guys. We've got them eating our unhealthy garbage cuisine. When the time comes for the old "How about some war with Iran? You know, for freedom?" they'll just meekly go along with it as if they were the United Kingdom or something.

Figures released this week revealed that sales of the jambon-beurre – the ham and butter baguette sandwich, a classic of French snacking – have been surpassed by sales of American-style burgers.

In unrelated news, health care costs have exploded.

“Even the Americans are looking at us with wide-eyed amazement,” Bernard Boutboul, general director of Gira Conseil, told The Associated Press.

Honestly, my jaw is on the floor. "Amazement" doesn't seem like nearly a strong enough word for this incredible new revelation.

“Obviously the rise in popularity is not linked to sales at McDonald’s or other fast-food restaurants,” Boutboul said in a phone interview. “It’s due to the growing number of restaurants putting burgers on their menu.”

Before you get crazy ideas about Clown Burger overrunning the City of Lights you should be reminded that it's actually very classy top quality eating establishments were the item in question is called Le Royale Amer-Eee-Cann Steak.

“The French’s favorite sandwich is losing ground, slowly but steadily,” the study said.

You will be converted. All your (le) resistance is futile. International trash culture is unstoppable.

Boutboul said the burger frenzy started about a decade ago after three-star Michelin chef Yannick Alleno, based in Paris, won the New York Times’ award for the best burger in the world.

I'm guessing this guy doesn't cook tires, but what other conclusion remains?

Mon bras gauche pique.

“Despite a rise in the numbers of jambon-beurre consumed this year, long gone are the prosperous years,” the study said. “In 2012, the jambon-beurre market share was 62 percent. It lost more than 11 percent over five years.”

The golden age of the jambon-beurre is truly over. Be happy because it happened, not sad because it's over.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.