News You Can't Use: ‘Star Wars’ Lightsaber Causes Farmingdale State Scare, Cops Say

Today's little morality fable features many of the best elements of the student loan racket, including the extended adolescence (rapidly approaching extended infantilism), the constant fear of deadly violence from an unhinged classmate, personal atomization and, of course, the steady infiltration of prison language and culture and militarized goon squads into our daily lives. There's also a "funny" bit about mistaken impressions and a movie that I guess a few people saw, but with so much going on we should just dive right into this glorious feast instead of padding out an introduction like this is an undergraduate paper or something.

A college student with a “Star Wars” lightsaber in a campus parking lot sparked an alert Wednesday morning at Farmingdale State College, where staff and students were briefly advised to shelter in place, officials said.

It turns out it was quote unquote "Star Wars" some sort of obscure lazy sci-fi that you, as a regular sex-haver, probably are completely unaware of. This led to a command to "shelter in place" which I guess means hide under your bed, tuck your head between your knees and start kissing your butt goodbye.

A student alerted campus police about 9:45 a.m. after seeing a person assembling what appeared to be a rifle in a car in a campus parking lot, Suffolk County police said.

Rifle, plastic toy, it's an easy mistake to make when you're deep in debt, getting a B+ in Finger Painting 327 and are about as isolated from reality as a person can get without entering a zen monastery or Tibetan cave.

“It was not a weapon. It was a toy lightsaber,” Insp. Mathew Lewis, commanding officer of the First Precinct, said after the investigation.

After an extensive morning panic, the fully deployment of all the police tanks and general chicken minus head ineffectual motion we've made this determination. The bell tower blaster was actually a lowly space nerd stick.

Campus police alerted the county police, and officers from both forces flooded the parking lots to find the car, Lewis said.

The land of the free and the home of the brave.

Officers finally found the occupant of the car, also a student, at his off-campus job and established that the supposed weapon was a toy, Lewis said.

Total cost of these Keystone Kops follies to taxpayers: 1.7 million dollars.

We're here to protect you and we care deeply about your individual rights.

The school issued an alert to students, faculty and staff advising them to shelter in place, according to a text message a student showed a reporter. The alert was lifted shortly before 11 a.m. 

As it turns out there was no deranged shooter randomly blasting you and your friends. Isn't that a relief? Please go about the rest of your day as if nothing happened.

Full Article.

Komment Korner   

not as clumsy or random as a blaster, an elegant weapon from a more civilized age

get a dog or a girlfriend for God's sake!

Fortunately the SAFE ACT limited the amount of batteries allowed in the light saber to 1 or we may have had a crisis of epic proportions.

God bless our Imperial Storm Troopers for keeping the Deathstar safe and...secure....oh, wait....nevermind.

dont be such a square

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: It Looks Like Raging Hockey Fans Destroyed An LAPD Drone Last Night

Ice Gangs represent the last, best hope of the individual against an increasingly totalitarian system. Like a version of "Rollerball" that isn't pretentious and terrible, these "Raging Fans" are now locked in a battle for our national soul against the robotic shadow forces of Big Brother. Well, that or their team won and they started wrecking things because that's how joy is properly communicated, I'm not totally sure which is correct.

Multiple videos have been posted online showing what uploaders described as hockey fans destroying a Los Angeles Police Department drone outside the Staples Center Friday night after the LA Kings won the NHL's Stanley Cup.

It was later revealed that the videos were actually of a deleted scene from the movie "Space Jam."

Riot police were called in to break up what the LA Times described as a "melee" outside the arena following the King's victory over the New York Rangers.

When I feel good I wreck stuff. This is logical.

In one clip posted online, a drone can be seen hovering over the crowd of hockey fans before it was knocked out of the sky by people throwing shoes and clothing

No word if the anti-drone hoodie was used, but I would imagine so.

In another clip, the drone is not visible, but the hockey fans can be heard chanting, "We got the drone! We got the drone!"

If the end of civilization involves silly chants and hockey matches sign me up.

As of this writing, the LAPD has not responded to multiple requests for comment from Business Insider asking whether they lost a drone outside the Staples Center Friday night.

We were told that "you didn't see nothing" and then were made into unpersons.

Of course, with no official response, it is impossible to confirm whether the drone in the video did indeed belong to the police.

But wild speculation is fun, so let's do that.

This machine kills fascists.

Late last month, the LAPD announced it was given two "unmanned aerial vehicles" by the Seattle Police Department.

First all that whiny, awful music and now this. Thanks a lot, you guys.

When they announced the gift from Seattle, the department said it wouldn't engage in widespread surveillance

"We promise not to get drunk with power. Honest."

On June 5, in response to criticism over the department's potential drone usage, LAPD Chief Charlie Beck said he would seek input from privacy advocates and civil rights groups before deploying the unmanned aerial vehicles.

Because we need special groups and focus meetings to tell this guy "No, don't do that."

"We're going to thoroughly vet the public's opinion on the use of the aerial surveillance platforms," Beck said.

"We now know how hockey fans feel, at least."

Several tipsters have emailed Business Insider suggesting the device in the video is one of the models in the DJI "Phantom" series. These are intended for consumer use.

Sorry that this new revelation basically wrecks the story. 

Full Story.

Komment Korner  

I think shooting it out of the sky is a good thing. This is but another case of police bringing danger to wherever they go.

Where you come from must be the land of retards

Let me get this straight - we downed and destroyed a hi-tech police drone with a shoe? Seriously?

I can't wait for the drone dog fights to begin.

Chief Beck should bend over and grab his ankles while someone pilots one of these liberty-killing-machines right where the sun don't shine.

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Video Shows Officer Confronting Man Filming Arrests In Towson

Hello again comrades, how are you doing on this beautiful day our government has given us? I trust you're busy winning that victory over yourself. I am also doing great. This glass of Victory Gin might be the best I've ever tasted, as you probably guessed by the tears of joy sliding down my nose. I just heard we've pretty much got that war in EastIran won, isn't that exciting? Yes, I think so too. Anyway, here's a story about all of our freedoms.

A man videotaped Baltimore County police as they arrested two people in Towson, but an altercation broke out between the man and officer. Now an investigation is underway.

Clearly the government and its hero servants are correct, as always.

I hate to break character but this has to be said. Videotaped? Really? I'm pretty sure it's all digital now. Is "recorded" really such a difficult concept for the average troglodyte that still gets their news from mainstream sources? Do we have to provide comforting references to yesterday's obsolete technology so that no one panics?

County police officials say they are concerned by the video and they’ve launched an investigation.

Or, more accurately "We're concerned about the negative reactions of the serfs so we're launching a cover-up."

Early Sunday morning, a man videotaped as Baltimore County police arrested two people in Towson. As the video rolled, he was confronted by an officer.

Again with the videotape and even "rolling." What is this? I picture a giant 1940s movie camera. I'd love to hear this reporter explain YouTube. "It's like a giant collection of VHS and Beta tapes! You don't even have to rewind them!"

“I’m allowed to do this,” he told the officer.

“Get it out of my face,” the officer replied.

“I have my rights,” the man said.

“You have no rights,” the officer said.

The land of the get out of my face and the home of no rights whatsoever.

“Do you see the police presence here? Do you see us all? We’re not [expletive] around. Do you understand? Do not disrespect us and do not not listen to us,” the officer said. “Now walk away and shut your [expletive] mouth or you’re going to jail, do you understand?”

Protect and serve, that's what we do.

Imagine this guy messing with your VHS camcorder...forever.

“I thought I had freedom of speech here,” the man said.

“You don’t. You just lost it,” the officer replied.
 

While you were watching those awesome late-season replacement television shows we stripped away your most basic rights. Just thought you'd like to know. Reasonable search and seizure protections? Sorry, they just took a walk. Not having to quarter soldiers in your house? That right just evaporated a moment ago, tough break.

“I think the officer in the video is extraordinarily agitated, hostile and unprofessional. I think it’s highly problematic,” said David Rocah, ACLU Maryland. “The fact that officers can act this way, knowing that they’re being filmed, I think shows a level of impunity that is quite troubling.”
 

Naw, it's all fine. Come on.

“There needs to be either further training for the police and perhaps some appropriate disciplinary action for this individual policeman,” Rosenberg said.

All right cadets, today we start our special "This is not a totalitarian nightmare state" training. 

In a statement, county police officials say they recognize and respect the rights of citizens to film officers on duty in a public place, unless the person filming has violated a law or statute.

You can do whatever you want...as long as it doesn't violate the millions of laws and statutes that clearly say you can't. 

In the interest of Right Think do not visit the source or watch the "tape" of the incident available there.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.