News You Can't Use: US Airline to Charge Passengers Extra to use Overhead Lockers

It's time again for completely secular and unconnected to any traditions spend, gorge and travel season, and this, incredibly, means wasted money, gluttony and airplanes. Or so I'm told, anyway, I sure ain't moving away from my beepers and football box, that's for sure. For other individuals, or "losers" as I sometimes call them, getting on that flying tube is going to be even more unpleasant this year, something that, strictly speaking, shouldn't even be possible. Forget groping, radiation and being rejected for mile-up fornication, we've got a bigger problem. Overhead locker price gouging.

United Airlines, one of the world’s largest carriers, is facing fresh criticism over plans to charge passengers extra for the use of overhead lockers.

Aren't they out of business? No, you're thinking of one of a half-dozen other American tin-pushers that destroyed themselves in various fashions, like, hypothetically, going crazy with added charges.

The airline, which welcomed almost 139m passengers in 2015, will introduce a new “basic economy” fare in 2017. Those who opt for the cheapest ticket will be allowed to travel with a single small item of luggage, measuring no more than 9” x 10” x 17” (23cm x 25cm x 43cm), but they must place it under a seat and not in the overhead bins. 

The new "serf fare" includes luggage size restrictions, no lockers, and the "stews" are allowed to spit on you or trip you.

They will also be automatically allocated a seat on the day of departure, meaning passengers on the same ticket could be forced to sit apart.

On the other hand I saved four dollars, got a free radiation bath and TSA scumbags laughed at my small penis.

United claims the move, announced last month, does not amount to a new fee. Those who want to stow their hand luggage overhead can still do so if they choose the standard economy fare, it says.

Think of it as a new tax, because everyone loves those.

But those who choose the cheapest fare are unlikely to be making any savings. According to Reuters, basic economy fares “will be comparable to low fares it now charges for the economy cabin, but with more restrictions”.

I know, can you imagine?

Travellers reacted with anger over the decision, with some calling for a boycott of the airline, and now the outcry has reached US Congress.

Save us bloated, ineffectual and out-of-control big government!

There ought to be a law!

“It’s one of the most restrictive policies on airline passengers we have seen in a long time,” said Chuck Schumer, a New York Senator.

We'll legislate away capitalist practices we don't like, because that's our job.

“The overhead bin is one of the last sacred conveniences of air travel and the fact that United Airlines – and potentially others – plan to take that convenience away unless you pay up is really troubling."

Our inalienable right ordained by our Creator to stuff our junk into head-high bins. 

United is not the first airline to charge extra for carry-on luggage. Hungarian low-cost carrier Wizz, for example, permits passengers to carry a small item of luggage (25cm x 32cm x 42cm) for free, but charges for larger cabin bags (typically around £16 per flight). Those smaller bags can however, space permitting, be placed in overhead lockers.

Your best chance might be the old Magyar loophole, but read the fine print.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

DotTeeVee: Stuff They Don't Want You To Know - Denver International Airport

When it comes to highly concentrated supernatural evil airports are probably not the first thing you think of, but today's video might just change that if you can face up to the awful truth. Granted, there's plenty of mundane evil at your average plane hole: little old ladies being strip-searched, goons with guns laughing at your privates as you're bathed in radiation, ridiculously high priced booze, the list goes on and on. However, according to some internet crank, this is just the tip of the iceberg and at least one airport might actually be housing extraterrestrials, political dissidents and/or the real birth certificate in secret underground tunnels. Turn off the part of your brain that controls the ability to doubt outrageous claims, put down the fluoridated tap-water poison and make sure your thoughts aren't being scanned because it's time to discover the secrets THEY don't want you to know!

That awkward feeling when the Third Party crank candidate is totally vindicated.

Surplus X-Files props are displayed while our narrator explains that history is full of unexplained events and then quickly clarifies that he means saucer people and spoon-bending and not real legitimate historical mysteries like who won the Korean War or why it took people so long to figure out the benefits of regular washing. We are then given the chance to chicken out if we're too sissy to learn about the unseen wire-pullers. Are you a bad enough dude to hear these highly implausible speculations? I will give a small amount of credit to this video for keeping the "Do you have the guts to take the red pill and find out how deep the Denver Airport really goes?" portion mercifully brief and not using the words "lemmings" or "sheeple."

  I think for myself, which is why I listen mostly to Jenny McCarthy and anti-Semites.

We discuss Denver's growth as a city, one of maybe three or four statements in this entire video that is based in what some people call "reality." This economic boom led to the opening of a beautiful new airport and everyone was happy. The End. 

Yeah, just kidding. You see, here's where is gets crazy. And that's not my opinion, either. The video has a special graphic and everything to inform us that we're now entering Crazyland. Please observe local laws. Or don't, who would even notice, right?

"You unlock this door with the key of extreme credulity..."

Yup, let's get nuts. A conspiracy theorist named Phil Schneider, who's credentials consist of...well, nothing, believes there's an underground base beneath the airport. I know if I was going to build a secret underground base that's where I would put it, assuming my first idea of putting it on the fifty yard line of the Mile High Stadium was rejected for some reason. But what in the world is down there? We get three possibilities: aliens (yeah, you knew that was coming), a concentration camp or one of those apocalypse survival shelters. 

You're probably wondering what the evidence is for the existence of this multi-purpose basement of evil. The short answer is "none." The long answer is there's some ugly mural depicting "multi-culturalism" in the airport, complete with coffins, half-human soldiers and scenes of violence. All of this just screams "underground malevolence facility." See a picture of a white hand shaking a black hand? You're probably very close to a prison for space invaders.

  New From Dan Brown: "The Communist Mural Code."

Why would the shape-shifting energy vampires that rule over us leave all this evidence? We are told it either suggests massive arrogance on the part of the Beast System or some rebel is trying to secretly warn us about the wild shit going down under the runway. When asked about these possibilities the artist's response was basically "please leave me alone." This proves he's been paid off by the One World Government. Because the alternative explanation that most modern art is awful just isn't plausible. 

There's the obligatory "free mason" references (sorry Knights Templar, you didn't rate a mention). Then we really grasp for straws by discussing a time capsule and Navajo phrases cut into the floor. How any of this silliness proves the existence of extensive underground structures remains somewhat obscure, but I guess this is why you were given an imagination. 

If that's not enough, what about this creepy blue horse statue. Honestly, it looks unusual! Explain that, Mr. Skeptic!

Secret underground Boise State fans, working to destroy the BCS...

Remember Phil Schneider, the guy who claims to know the New World Order's darkest secrets? We get some more tall tales out of him, including building numerous underground bases, participating in "alien human" battles and being monitored by invisible government agents. In other words he's so sane it's almost ridiculous. Then he turned up dead, with his "lecture materials" missing. I can imagine the mourning: "Hell yeah, NWO class is cancelled indefinitely, let's go drink Cherry Pucker and make lots of bad decisions! Woooo!!!!"

We get a quick summary and with nothing settled and the video ends. I was about to dismiss all this as paranoid ramblings from people with less than perfect mental health, but then I discovered an additional piece of evidence that blows this whole thing wide open! I'm going to post it below. Here it is friends, the horrible truth they tried to hide. I'll probably get murdered or at least audited for this, but it's worth it to present the real story.

Komment Korner  

I live in colorado and travel a lot. I have been to DIA many many times. None of those murals or paintings are in that airport...

Cocaine is helluva drug.

invisible government agents O.o We're screwed...  

I like dia just have sex with some girl I met on the plane ride from salt lake. What a big airport:)

i ate burger king in that airport... then i had to potty.

Aaron Zehner wants to believe. His first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. Makes a great gift and excellent reading material for those long flights before you hit the Denver airport and join the mile beneath club.

Twistaplot #10 Mission of the Secret Spy Squad

Last time we explored a rich and highly nuanced world of fantasy in Deathtrap Dungeon by entering a deadly dungeon and...well...dying. You can't accuse them of false advertising, that's for sure. Following that debacle (I think it's impossible to die faster than I did) it's time to put away the dice and go back into the kiddie pool for another Choose Your Own Adventure idea thief. This time it's "Twistaplot" which, believe it or not, was put out by Scholastic and prominently featured Goosebumps author R.L. Stine (not in today's book, though). With that impressive pedigree you'd think this series would be a little less on the fudged up side, but you'd be mostly wrong as the stories would often veer into murder, mayhem and, in today's tale, cold war espionage. Yeah, really.

Overall, I have a soft spot for this series. It was generally well-written and as original as a rip-off could be. There's also a lot of fourth-wall breaking snark, perhaps anticipating a future where they would basically be fodder for that in a blog. Let's check it out.

"Ok, USA!"

I love the title. It's a secret spy squad, as opposed to all those spies that operate openly with full disclosure. The redundancy, repetition and saying the same thing over and over is very much appreciated and enjoyed. We get a funny bit right away as the instructions page threatens to self-destruct in thirty seconds. Like I said, these books were a little more self-aware than was typical of the genre. Apparently I'm on the Junior Track and Field Team, something that conjures up images of homoerotic stretching, underage drinking purges and buying a bottle of aspirin for $100 after being told it's "steroid pills." International espionage never really came up.

By taking all of these pills I shaved two seconds off my mile time and my genitals fell off.

Anyway, we're supposed to compete in some sort of b.s. "peace games" in Europe, but instead are in a cave being briefed for the cloak 'n' dagger by a Bogart look-a-like. He also has a metal hook for a hand, the code name "Raven" and regards the C.I.A. as a "boy scout troop." This all comes off as pretty try hard, quite frankly. The fictional country of Solonia (between Belgium and Luxemburg!) is menaced by a group called BRUTE (not the aftershave, I think) who are planning on assassinating King Idle (!) which, somehow, could cause World War 3. I mean, what could be a bigger threat to the Western Democracies than the death of a paternal autocrat in a nation roughly the size of a Burger King parking lot.

You stay dry, a figurehead monarch gets wet.

Since this is still America, what to do next is put to a democratic vote and it all comes down to my decision. The book lets you "chicken out" but immediately calls you out on that decision in another nice touch. Instead, I decide we should go to Solonia and save their beloved tyranny from the long arms of double entendre using deodorant makers.

Next stop, the Blandsburg airport, presumably not far from Squaresville. Not surprisingly for a nation known as "Little Luxemburg" everything is small. The local press is waiting, eager to do an interview, but he faces stone-walling from my coach. We learn that "marathon sleeping" is the national pastime of Solonia, the flag is "gray on gray" and the anthem has two notes. Again, the fate of the free world rests with this feudal left-over.

A possible replacement for the "Two Shades of Gray" flag.

He keeps playing the sympathy card to try to score that scotching expose, but with the stakes as high as they are I turn him down. He makes a cryptic remark and offers a gray button that says "Solonia Is For Surprises!" Legitimate, intentional humor in one of these books? Yes. After refusing the button the reporter produces more erratic behavior, blaming "an old ping pong injury." It is something of a blood-sport.

"Finish Him!"

We get a shockingly prescient bit where airport security starts tearing into my possessions. They even suggest a "body search." This book is legitimately humorous and it predicts TSA grope sessions. 10 out of 10, friends. Suddenly, I'm alone, as the rest of the team probably bugged out rather than witness me having to drop and spread. I'm given a choice to run (to where???) but decided to let them finish the search. 

I'm hustled into a "little green room." "You're shaking so badly you get your zipper stuck halfway down," the book states. Fortunately this a reference to the zipper on your jacket, but still. They find something incriminating, and the next thing I know I'm being frog-marched toward what's basically the Ministry of Love. Time to put on that "rat helmet."

I'll take the radiation, please.

Back in the mini-love I'm accused of spying and seated in front of a "ping pong sized table." Man, what is it with the co-authors and ping pong? Still more shake-down happens (gah, enough already!) and this time the "Solonia" button turns up in my bag. Not sure how they missed it earlier. From here it's off to a "detention cell." I'm really enjoying all this high adventure: cavity searches, holding cells, stuck zippers...it's a dreamworld of magic.

"Me lawyer you" offers a full-figured gentleman and luckily this isn't code for making me a jailhouse bride. A long conversation is summarized in another funny bit, with the choices coming down to admitting guilt and hoping for the best or rotting in the cell. Seeing as how the evidence is all against me and one would imagine the American government would notice my plight at some point I take the plea bargain, such as it is. I rot in the prison for a week, lose ten pounds and am exchanged for a crew of fish mongers and a second round draft pick. The end.

Let's drag your excess fat into a blind spot and shank it.

It was a pretty disappointing run, all things considered. I didn't do any spy stuff and what did happen is pretty much business as usual in today's airports, though I guess the idea of getting repeatedly violated by government goons still had some novelty in the early eighties. Next time I'll have to try to get to the page where "your undercover contact is a bionic pig!" We can create better bacon, we have the technology.

 
Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.