News You Can't Use: Injured SoulCycle Rider Files the Latest Legal Action Over Indoor Cycling

Exercise is hard and people are soft, so it doesn't take a nine hour certification class in "soul cycle" to figure out there will be a certain amount of friction when the fat-body converges with "Take your seat off! Are you going to quit? Are you a loser?" As the All-American obesity dangles precariously over the missing seat it takes a strong hand to guide the softie to success without completely destroying the so-called "feelings" of you weak meat-bags. Clearly, this balancing act is not for everyone and the result is nuisance lawsuits filed by protoplasm blobs who needed a coach to help them work out on a stationary bike for some reason.

SoulCycle has raced into the hearts of the Hollywood elite, but a first-time rider says she was injured because an instructor bullied her and now the company is facing the latest in a series of lawsuits filed since it was purchased by mega-gym Equinox in 2011. 

Apparently your favorite actress can't pedal on her own, what a scandal. Meanwhile it's time for "bullying," the new catch-all for any undesirable interaction, from the mega-gym. You take a mortal exer-bike man and put him in control. Watch him become a god, watch fatties middles a'roll.

Carmen Farias is suing SoulCycle and instructor Angela Davis — who is a bit of a celebrity herself — for gross negligence, according to the complaint filed May 31 in L.A. County Superior Court.

As a bit of a celebrity in my own right I have to say "Oh wow" to all of this.

She says the lack of instruction, design of the bike, volume of the music and darkness of the room contributed to injuries that continue to cause her physical and mental pain and suffering.

This is the kind of "spinning" instructor I'd probably be. "All right you Christmas hams, time to sweat thick yellow fat from every pour." *turns out lights, cranks up Motorhead, uses a cycle with an inferior ergonomic design* Rock and roll.

She says she had never been to a spinning class of any kind and, while she had ridden a traditional bicycle before, she had not engaged in a physical fitness regimen for several years.

Doctors now recommend you exercise at least once every several years, preferably in a b.s. "This is Sparta!" atmosphere.

An unnamed employee helped Farias clip into her cycle, but no one ever showed her how it worked or warned her not to get out of the seat while the flywheel was spinning.

Fudging exercise bikes, how do they work? Why are all spinning coaches liars?

As class began, Davis turned the music up and the lights down, so the room “was cast into a shadowy darkness."

As opposed to shadowy bright sunlight, I guess.

During the ride, Farias could hear instructors “mocking some of the other riders” because they weren’t keeping up with the pace.

I'm pretty sure you deserve to be mocked simply for participating in this goofy farce, whether you can keep the pace or not.

When her legs began to weaken and she tried to stop pedaling, she says Davis ridiculed her for slowing down and someone — possibly Davis — barked at the riders that “we don’t take breaks.”

Voices from out of nothing with unknown ownership, deep darkness, this is less a fitness fad and more an evil coven.

"The shame caused Carmen to momentarily attempt to pedal faster."

It's almost like it has a motivational quality, hard as this is to believe.

Farias says she quickly realized she needed to stop, but didn’t know how.

Some of that Jetsons "Stop this crazy thing!" up in here.

“Although her head and torso were now lying to the right side of the spinning cycle, Carmen’s left and right foot remained locked to the pedals.”

The end result resembled a parade float.

The momentum of the flywheel kept the pedals turning and her left ankle was repeatedly dislocated, she claims, leaving her "catastrophically injured."

You and I have a very different definition of "catastrophe." 

I ain't even playin' doe.

She says she completed and signed the new rider waiver form, but left it on her desk at work and any waiver she may have signed while checking in at the Beverly Hills studio in is a violation of public policy and unenforceable because SoulCycle failed to provide her with a copy.

The boring contract law that will, after lots of wasted time and money, ultimately defeat this nuisance lawsuit.

SoulCycle has a cult following and Davis is building one of her own. She has more than 41,000 followers on Instagram, and A-listers from Lea Michele to Kerry Washington have tweeted their praise of the instructor — oh, and Oprah celebrated her 60th birthday with a spin led by Davis.

Popularity automatically makes you a good person.

SoulCycle is also currently facing a potential class action lawsuit from customers who are unhappy with its policies regarding the expiration dates on pre-paid packages of classes. 

Still more legitimate than the Trump University lawsuit.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: The Age of Inactivity

As there a better feeling than mortgaging your future for a fleeting bit of pleasure? Clearly, the answer is no, which is why we have things like high tech recliners and crack cocaine. When you live in a nation that has a debt total that resembles a worldwide beach sand census more than an economic statement it's a little difficult to take goofy ideas like "future consequences" seriously. So we laze about, stuff the fat face and generally seek paradise in corn sugar and joystick addiction. It's all fine, but here's some kill-joy to explain why it isn't, quoting two thousand year old sources like an out-of-touch hate devil. It's 2015. Wow. Just wow.

Two thousand years ago, Hippocrates, the Father of Modern Medicine hit the nail on the head. He said, that if we all had “the right amount of nourishment and exercise, not too little and not too much, we would have found the safest way to health”. Bingo.

It's almost as if most human wisdom is already out there while we arrogantly pretend to know better while clinging to our empires of dirt, but on the other hand this dead guy didn't even own a cellular phone so let's not listen.

Obviously then, being a species of great intellect, over the next two millennia we took on his sensible advice, integrating exercise into our daily life and cashing in on the rewards for our bodies and minds.

Well, that would explain all the stunning human beauty one sees at convenience stores and huddled in front of the "Red Box."

Hmm, maybe we didn’t quite all get that memo. Instead something else happened and physical inactivity grew into the fourth largest global killer in the world.

Oh. It was sarcasm. I hate when the written word instills a small amount of hope only for it to be dashed by irony's retarded little sister.

Yes, physical inactivity has its price tags. It is linked to the development of chronic health problems like heart disease, type 2 diabetes, obesity, depression, dementia and cancer.

The opposing argument can be boiled down to "I like to drink booze and gorge." Class, decide who is making the better point. Please show your work.

It can make us feel bad about ourselves, guilty and frustrated, appeased only with the ever alluring reward of inactivity – comfort, rest and stress-free.

The intense allure of doing nothing. Expect hot, hot "lying on a couch" erotica from the usual talentless suspects any day now. 60 Hazes of Laze, etc.

There is growing over the degree of inactivity in children with precipitants embedded within our shift to a more sedentary lifestyle, fear and risk associated with outdoor play, and the advent of more advanced and ‘real-life replacement’ for one in four children who see online social networking and gaming as their activity.

You can't have an article like this without "Generation nothing is the worst ever." It's required by law, I think.

Even more sobering is the evidence that suggests many children still have a negative approach to physical activity in schools, with teachers believing that nearly half of primary school pupils leaving school without “basic movement skills”, and that more than one in three children dislike exercise by the time they leave primary school.

Sorry, only time will sober you up. Looking at a "Brits don't even know how to move anymore" study is not going to make that fifth of whiskey process itself any faster.

Make no mistake, these are massive, insidious, chronic alarm bells.

Make no mistake, firing out randomly chosen five dollar words to make an awkward metaphor is harder than it looks.

 Then again that’s not what worries me as a doctor. What worries me is why so many of us are still not getting its importance to our lives? Or then again, is it simply a change in our psychology to life, to our society, and to our drive to fix this crevassing “knowing-doing” gap?

Damn it, I'm a doctor, not someone who can write coherent journalistic prose!

Formerly known as the United States of America.

Right then, here’s a question - how big do you think this gap is?

Make your own joke, it's way too easy.

Like a dodgy set of scales, this gap has grown so big because of a huge imbalance; imbalance between factors promoting physical activity and barriers to it.

Right, like a bleeding outrage innit. 

With all these bloody barriers to hurdle there’d better be a good reason to do some physical activity.

Seriously, at some point this article became way too full of British for me to comprehend or even properly make fun of. 

Hippocrates, saw exercise as an elixir of life, even without knowing what we do now. But he was spot on.

This old blighter and rotter was just brilliant.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

This article is a total lie. Trust Me !

He says about 30% of the US population has type 2 hypothyroid, which is INHERITED. I have it from my grandmother.

Day One - hang upside down for 10 minutes (doing nothing).

Day Two - bench press a weight 100 times

Really, why work? Start making any headway and the state begins to penalize and tax you to death

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Pizza Hut Testing 'Skinny Slice'

Americans, on the average, have awesome real bodies with incredible curves that any decent, secure man would go wild over in the most respectful way possible. And by that, I mean we're overweight. Which is great! I celebrate absolutely everything, as long as it isn't those evil traditional values that served civilization so poorly over the last six thousand years. Still, there are a few cranks who think the expanding national waistlines are a mixed blessing. Some of these individuals are apparently decision makers for pizza chains, because we're now getting an attempt to make a meal that represents a week's worth of calories into something sensible that would only fill that quota for two or three days, max.

Pizza Hut is testing out a lighter pizza in two U.S. markets as it seeks to freshen up its menu and regain its footing against competitors.

"I think you'll all agree that the new Pizza Hut Nothin' is the magic bullet that will save our mediocre franchise from the far superior alternatives that have been devastating our market share. If you have any questions, I'll be in the restroom, sobbing."

The tests of the "Skinny Slice" pies began this week at several dozen restaurants in Toledo, Ohio, and West Palm Beach, Florida.

As usual the non-Spanish Toledo is right at the cutting edge of exciting new trends that absolutely reek of desperation and "Me too!" bandwagonism long after the point where it would have actually made a difference. And there's Florida, too, I guess.

The pies simply use less of the same dough used for regular pies and are lighter on the toppings, said Doug Terfehr, a Pizza Hut spokesman.

By the time you figure out this is a "pay more, get less" shuck that really won't help with fitness or weight loss goals I'll be safely in a country that doesn't extradite.

Several fast-food and restaurant chains have turned to lighter offerings over the years as a way to update their images, with varying degrees of success. 

Still better than "Extreme Marketing," you can at least say that.

Burger King, for instance, recently said the majority of its U.S. restaurants would stop offering lower-calorie french fries less than a year after the so-called "Satisfries" were introduced.

They were replaced with the standard high calorie freedom fries, the so-called "Pacifries."

The test by Pizza Hut comes as the chain fights to win back market share. Last year, Pizza Hut sales fell 2 percent at U.S. locations open at least a year. Domino's, by contrast, saw the figure rise 5.4 percent while Papa John's saw sales rise 4 percent in North America.

Two percent might not seem like a lot, but that is private industry we're talking about, not our government.

Darren Tristano, a restaurant analyst with industry tracker Technomic, noted that Pizza Hut may be suffering in part because it's the biggest player and has the most to lose at a time when the pizza business overall is seeing moderate growth of about 2 percent to 3 percent a year.

The dismal science, it's amazing! Obviously in a time of moderate growth the "biggest player" would stand to lose. It just makes logical sense. Hey, let's print more money to cover budget shortfalls!

But he also noted that the chain has failed to "evolve its product," while Papa John's has played up its quality and Domino's improved its pizza.

The New Domino's: Tastes Less Like an Old Tire Than Ever!

"Gimme ten of them Skinny Pizzas."

Pizza Hut is owned by Yum Brands Inc., which also owns Taco Bell and KFC.

Good old "Yum Brands," formerly Hitlertech Chemicals and Germ Warfare. 

Pizza Hut also rolled out "Fit n' Delicious" pies more than a decade ago that had even fewer calories than the new Skinny Slice pies by going lighter on toppings.

After several locations were burned to the ground that particular "pie" was discontinued. 

Also, we need another word for pizza that isn't "pie," because I'm sure the editor that decided to take a five day weekend rather than check this article would have had issues with this. Maybe "Eye-talian Circle Food" or "Man, My Left Arm is Tingling."

If the test proves successful, the Skinny Slice pies would replace the Fit N' Delicious pies, which are still available on request, Terfehr said in an email.

This request must be made in writing, submitted six months in advance and be approved by one of your State Senators. 

During the Atkins craze, Domino's also tested a whole wheat crust but ultimately abandoned the idea.

Maybe there's some sort of lesson there. Naw, probably not. Still, food for thought. 

Full Article.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Exercise Data Reveal a Couch Potato Nation

Americans are fat. This is not news. But hey, we've got "science" in the form of attaching hungry, hungry citizens of this great republic to various probes and sensors and then recording the lethargy. The results, predictably, paint a picture of real women with real curves, real men with real sleep apnea issues and a nation that would never leave the couch, ever, if such a paradise was somehow obtainable.

Americans are stuck in chairs and on the couch, spending eight hours a day with their metabolic engines barely idling

And that isn't even counting the so-called "sleeping" that wastes another eight hours.

According to data from sensors that scientists put on nearly 2,600 people to see what they actually did all day.

"Can't I just write down what I do and report back? I think my word should be good enough."

"No. Sensors."

The results were not encouraging: Obese women averaged about 11 seconds a day at vigorous exercise

This exercise consisted of opening various food containers.

11 seconds? How is that even possible? It's been awhile since I've had an 11 second vigorous exercise and the truth is it happens to all men sometimes so stop looking at me like that and let me go to sleep.

While men and women of normal weight exercised vigorously (on the level of a jog or brisk uphill hike) for less than two minutes a day, according to the study published in Mayo Clinic Proceedings.

While not quite a two pump (of knees while hiking uphill) chump, it's not especially good, either.

I'm guessing the land whales used in this study thought the "mayo clinic" was some sort of mayonnaise research center and by the time they figured out it wasn't the medical devices had already been attached.

If you included moderate exercise, such as yoga or golf, folks of normal weight logged about 2.5 to 4 hours weekly, according to the data. In part, that’s good news: federal recommendations for adults include 2.5 hours of moderate-intensity aerobic activity coupled with muscle-strengthening exercise.

So really, everything is fine.

Still, the data sketch a nearly supine population profile, with days marked by long hours of sedentary behavior, particularly for those who are overweight or obese.

One nation, fully prone, gasping for breath, with assorted salty snack items and sugar syrups for all.

Edward C. Archer, a nutrition and obesity researcher at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. “How you spend your day determines whether you store your food as fat or store your food in your muscle, healthfully.” 

I don't think it's possible to be an "obesity researcher" in the USA and not be constantly on the verge of a violent meltdown.

Time for those eleven seconds of vigorous exercise.

For the obese, the study confirms what has been known for some time -- they are stuck in a “vicious cycle” of  inactivity and weight gain, said Archer.

We have now proven the "what goes around come around" hypothesis and are close to a unifying theory of how you can't have your cake and eat it too.

The difference between those who were overweight and those with a normal range body mass amounted to four to six minutes of moderate to vigorous activity, the study showed.

If we could just get everyone to climb a sheer cliff face while weighted down with 100 pounds of gear as quickly as possible for a lousy six minutes a day we would solve this problem.

Although socioeconomic data were not included in the paper, previous research has shown that low-income people, particularly single mothers, are most likely to falling into a low-exercise lifestyle, in part from the demands of work and from the condition of recreational facilities in their neighborhoods.

Although the article is pretty much over I thought I'd throw in this irrelevant digression that has vaguely political undertones for no good reason.

“Ultimately the greatest inequalities we have is in our health behaviors,” he said.

"If only there was some way to redistribute exercise using coercive methods via a state-controlled apparatus, perhaps after a bloody revolution where the 'health nobility' are targeted."

“Unfortunately, we live most of our life going from chair to chair to chair. And if we can change that, just a little bit, we can have a massive impact on our healthcare costs.”

Just remember, you are the sum of the value you create minus the costs of sustaining your life and that's it. For the good of an impersonal and often hostile system, shape the hell up.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

There is a long political tradition of abusing fat kids

JUST A ROUTINE AUDIT, CITIZEN-UNIT...

Getting down to the floor also allows for greater mobility as one streches and moves the body.

Yeah, and their new model is Planet Fitness, where serious fitness buffs are excluded, uninvited, and overtly discouraged from membership.

I've noticed the three most prominent "fat jobs" are goobmit, deadumacation, and hellth care.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Coke Acts to Fend Off Obesity Criticism

Drinking "Coke" rules. It tastes like rust. It provides essential sugars, an area where almost everyone is deficient. It's very efficient to consume the equivalent of twenty tablespoons of sugar in just a few minutes and no doubt conducive to robust good health. Then there's the high fructose corn syrup. Corn is a vegetable and vegetables are healthy, therefore soda is healthy. Also syrup. Is there anything that screams a live well lived more than consuming various syrups? I'm pretty sure our Olympic athletes mostly consume special "training syrups."

And yet, not everyone is happy. Can you believe it, let alone dig it?

Coca-Cola has moved to head off rising concerns that sugary drinks are contributing to an obesity epidemic by adopting clearer calorie-count labels, promoting diet drinks and renewing a pledge not to market to children under 12.

Soda will not be sold to anyone who fails to provide a valid junior high ID. Because we all know how well that works. Of course bubble water is just one contributing factor to obesity and not the sole cause and "diet" sodas are full of dangerous chemicals in their own right, but when you're making a "pledge" logic probably isn't foremost in your mind.

The cause of the 1886 obesity panic is finally revealed.

The policy, announced on Wednesday, comes as the world’s largest beverage company and its rivals draw fire from health experts and lawmakers over the high calorie content of their flagship products.

If we could just make this product illegal it would solve everything. It worked for alcohol, after all. I guess "free will" is the one thing health experts don't want us to exercise.

He said soda sales had fallen in the US as consumers, worried about health issues, “self-regulated” their consumption. As a result, beverage companies are expanding in emerging markets, including India and China, to win new business.

Self-regulators. We regulate our own behavior without any laws forcing us. But you can't be any geek off the street. Gotta be handy with the health issues, earn your keep. Self-regulators...mount up!

As the recent days of warm weather has confirmed, America is the land of healthy, modest, self-regulators. Better go to China, land of irresponsibility and materialism. 

Next you'll tell me smoking is bad!

Analysts said Coke and rivals were concerned about a crackdown around the world.

Sugar Wish Part 4: The Crackdown. "You like Crystal Pepsi? I'm about to send you to a place where they still have it."

“Behind the scenes they’re lobbying, they’re fighting every single government attempt to try to limit sales of their products,” said Marion Nestle, a public health professor at New York University.

The secret cola wars rage on, shadow warriors fighting an invisible enemy. How many more must die for our sacred right to pour fizzy garbage into our fat faces?

Shares closed down 0.6 per cent to $42.45 in New York.

This slight drop caused some horrible rich bastard to lose more money than I'll probably earn in my lifetime. He didn't even notice. 

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Komment Korner
  

Coke is a distributor. The principle culprit is the sugar industry that manufactures an ingredient that kills and maims in all its forms. 

Which fool doesn't realise that Coke is unhealthy? Possibly the same fools that don't realise that a packet of peanuts may contain traces of nuts!

Or how about the caffeine content causing addition to their product? Surely this is a heath issue on a par with cigarettes? 

Putting the calorie count on the container isn't going to be effective if people's stomach sensors are confused by the HFCS and they continue to want more of the beverage.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.

News You Can't Use: Fork Vibrates When You Eat Too Quickly

The stagnation in fork technology, especially when compared to the dynamic and exciting field of the knife, has been a troubling indictment of modern society. Why are we still using tined eating implements that would not have been out of place in 1900? Where is the innovation? And most importantly, how can it strip the joy out of stuffing garbage straight from a chemistry lab into the old sarcasm hole? Well, someone finally stepped up. For the first time since the introduction of the spork the dinner table landscape has changed, perhaps irrevocably.

Looks at fork, looks at toothbrush, looks at marital aid...an invention is born!

 

An electronic fork that vibrates when you eat too quickly has hit the marketplace. It's called the HAPIfork. It's makers say it allows the consumer to quickly monitor and reduce the speed at which they eat.

The average modern person is completely helpless without various electronic devices beeping and buzzing and generally giving orders. No longer will we have to rely on indicators like "my mouth is currently full" or "man, my stomach hurts" when a simple, expensive as all hell, device can do the job for us. The next logical step is putting a phone and internet connection into it. Maybe an app that makes a map on how to get from the plate to the big hole in your head.

The French inventors hope it can help combat obesity.

This intolerant fork is guilty of fat shaming! Hate crime! Fatophobia! Shame! Shame! Shame!

Body Type: Average. Nationality: American.

 

If someone is deemed to be eating too fast, HAPIfork alerts them with a gentle vibration and indicator light to remind them to slow down.

Don't go getting any weird ideas, ladies.

The company is trying to raise money via the crowd funding site Kickstarter.  People who pledge $99 to the company get one of the forks.

What a brilliant idea "Kickstarter" is. It's like an initial public offering with all expectations of "return on investment" neatly removed. $99 for a vibrating fork. Give $98 and you get the warm inner satisfaction of funding an idea so profoundly stupid that it almost beggars belief.

All the amazing details.

Komment Korner

Michael Moore could use his as a jackhammer.

If Limbaugh had one, would be shaking like Madonna's nightstand....

Only the French could be this stupid!

Now you will be told how fast you can eat, then next on the list will be how fast you should breathe, because as Bloomberg said, we know better then you do, what's best for you. You're too stupid.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.