News You Can't Use: Watching People Eat Is Big in Korea; Now It’s in the U.S.

Is it possible to become too passive, voyeuristic and, frankly, broken to the point where the internet won't cater to your needs anymore? Clearly not, but what about the desire to watch others eat? The process of mastication is indeed one of the most beautiful mysteries of nature and you might even learn some new tricks. Then there's the comforting illusion of social interaction with any chance of failure removed by the one-way nature of the exchange. We might not have those wall-sized televisors yet (patience, patience) but we're clearly getting closer to finding ways to completely simulate a normal human existence while remaining a pathetic troglodyte.

Twitch Interactive Inc., the video-game streaming service Amazon.com Inc. acquired for almost $1 billion two years ago, hinted at what could be the next sensation in Internet broadcasting: watching people eat.

Instead of watching some up-talking millennial play Bayou Billy we can now watch them shove edible objects into their gobs.

Dubbed “social eating,” the practice is popular in South Korea and is picking up steam in the U.S., Twitch Chief Executive Officer Emmett Shear said Wednesday at the TechCrunch Disrupt conference in San Francisco.

I guess it's "social eating" in the same sense you might acquire a "social disease." If those Japanese cartoon monsters waiting to be caught in quarries and artillery testing ranges taught us nothing else it's that we no longer have any resistance to terrible societal trends from the Orient. 

It’s a difficult pastime for people in the U.S. to initially grasp, he acknowledged, but he said it’s gaining traction, along with rising demand for non-gaming content.

I demand more non-gaming content on this video game streaming service! Also, there should be more shadow puppets and balloon races during NFL broadcasts.

Disbelief about the growth potential for Twitch, a platform for watching people play video games, has taught him not to discount something he doesn’t personally understand, Shear said.

"You losers, man. I don't even pretend to understand your pathology, but on the other hand I can get paid, so here's your gaping maw films."

A Twitch streamer with the user name Hacklyn was eating a bowl of soup Wednesday morning, with about 20 people watching live. She was listening to music and chatting with people about relationships while they watched her dig in.

Communication, I think is important. *sucks up noodles* Got to be open with your feelings *disgusting slurping* You can't assume your partner knows what's going on in your head. *licks bowl*

Honesty is important to your relationship, too.

Investors have been watching to see how Amazon integrates Twitch’s highly engaged audience of video game enthusiasts -- numbering 10 million daily users -- with its offerings in online shopping and streaming video and music. 

After you get done watching the vidiot games, how about buying one, sucker?

As the company further seeks to combine services from its businesses, could the the next big step be streaming video of a gaming champion eating a box of cookies delivered via Amazon drone?

Or will it be your entire city going up in flames as civilization collapses? Who knows!

Full Article.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Tiny Implant Could Connect Humans and Machines Like Never Before

If I have one complaint about the golden age I was blessed to be born into, and I really have to stress that "if," it's that there just isn't enough technology in our lives and the interfaces are too demanding. Poking at a tablet like a cat scratching at a closed door in order to deploy ball-shaped avians with anger management issues just isn't getting it. We clearly need some of those brain implants and fortunately it's on the way if our society manages to stave off the steady transformation into a burning heap for another decade or so. Think of the ability to quickly interact with devices. I know, might be cold shower time just to calm down a bit.

A tiny implant the size of a grain of sand has been created that can connect computers to the human body without the need for wires or batteries, opening up a host of futuristic possibilities.

You could copy and paste with just a thought. That financial program that comes packed in with every computer and no one actually uses could be deleted with the blink of an eyes. And don't forget Google Government beaming the Right Think directly into the cortex! The words "What could possibly go wrong?" have never been more appropriate.

The devices, dubbed "neural dust", could be used to continually monitor organs like the heart in real time and, if they can be made even smaller, implanted into the brain to control robotic devices like prosthetic arms or legs.

Hopefully this "dust" won't result in you attempting to fly off the roof of your high school after a massive freak-out. And hey, what could be more awesome than constantly getting feedback on your heartbeat? Yup, still going. Glub. Glub. Glub. This is great.

It is believed they could help treat conditions like epilepsy by stimulating nerves and muscles, help people with incontinence control their bladder and even suppress appetite.  

Here, put this dust in your frontal lobes so you slim down a little, Carb-face.

They could also potentially either be used to prompt the immune system into action or reduce inflammation.

Muhh murricall snake oil also heals up dat AIDS, yes suh.

One of the inventors, Professor Michel Maharbiz, of University of California, Berkeley, said: “I think the long-term prospects for neural dust are not only within nerves and the brain, but much broader.

You could manually activate processes that are normally automatic!

“Having access to in-body telemetry has never been possible because there has been no way to put something super-tiny super-deep [in the body]. 

If you're super tiny you're not gonna go super deep in that thang. I'm just sayin'.

Ultrasound vibrations, which can penetrate almost every part of the body, are used to power the sensors, which are about a millimetre across.

This "massager" is used to activate sensors and not for that other use, honest.

This can already be done using brain implants, but these require wires that go through a hole in the skull, potentially allowing in infection or movement of the sensor within the brain. They must also be replaced after about one to two years.

Been fourteen months, better get the old head-wires replaced.

The researchers are currently building neural dust that could last in the body for more than 10 years. And because they are wireless there is no need for holes to remain in the skull.

Well, other than for aerodynamics, obviously.

“The beauty is that now, the sensors are small enough to have a good application in the peripheral nervous system, for bladder control or appetite suppression, for example.”

Not pissing yourself or doing that All-American bloat are literally the best ideas we have for this horrific "We tampered in God's domain" nightmare technology.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: One Third of Young US Adults are too Fat to Join the Military

Hello young person from generation nothing. I'm sure you're eager to go over to Iran or maybe shoot your fellow citizens in a food riot. Well, not so fast there, lard-o. The growing problem of fatty boom batties is now apparently becoming a national security issue. Sorry, having a physique like the Kool Aid Man just isn't ideal for the war on [whatever the national boogeyman becomes next]. We're forced to actually tell young people that they're going to die on their own from morbid obesity and as such don't need any help from a police action. Fortunately, we've got a "this is a bad thing" article to lament this problem so let's start with the wailing.

The nation's obesity epidemic is causing significant recruiting problems for the military, with one in three young adults nationwide too fat to enlist, according to report issued Wednesday by a group of retired military leaders. 

Here we thought all those video game war/murder simulators would improve readiness and promote jingoism, but instead the non-stop sitting and snacking have severely damaged our ability to drop and give twenty, climb walls, run while loaded down with ammunition and all those other things that help win hearts and minds in rock deserts and steppe wastelands.

The nonprofit, non-partisan group called Mission: Readiness (Military Leaders for Kids) is promoting healthy school lunches in Kansas and across the nation as a way to combat the problem.

Non-partisan. "We don't care what cause young people die for, as long as they're dying." Eat this carrot, it will help you eat lead when you're older.

In Kansas, 29 percent of teenagers are overweight, according to figures it cites from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Sorry Toto, Dorothy is a shut-in confined to a bed the size of a Thanksgiving Day float.

Obesity is among the leading causes of military ineligibility among people ages 17 to 24, the report notes. Others are a lack of adequate education, a criminal history or drug use.

I was so doped-up, poorly educated and criminal I couldn't figure which end of the gun was the dangerous one to point at democracy's enemies.

All those put together mean that 71 percent of Kansans are ineligible for military service, according to the group.

New Kansas State motto: To the stars through gorging on fatty foods, failing out of school, shooting up and committing crimes.

Schmader, who retired from the military after 32 years and now lives near Leavenworth, is among a group of retired military leaders who has been going to schools around the state promoting healthier lifestyles.

"Good news, class! A general who presided over some losing wars three decades ago is here to tell you to eat your greens!"

About 99 percent of the schools in Kansas have adopted healthier meals under the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010, which requires more fruit, vegetables and whole grains in school meals, along with less sodium, sugar and fat.

In unrelated news there's now a massive junior high black market for Ding Dongs and Ho Hos.

First Lady Michelle Obama lobbied largely behind the scenes for the Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010.

Well, we've got the hunger-free part settled, at least.

Schmader lauded her efforts, but said his non-partisan group of military leaders had been pushing for healthier school meals long before the first lady got involved.

We wanted to feed kids tasteless garbage to prepare them to be sacrificed on the altar of war BEFORE it was cool or fashionable.

Full Story.

Komment Korner

I'm a conservative

I was following the diet of lisa plog and I ended up losing 22 pounds.

Why would anyone WANT to join the military right now?  

t never ceases to amaze me how many fat women are dressed in uniforms when i go to lunch every day. And yes, fat guys too.

at least they are not staying at home sucking welfare through the system.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Exercise Data Reveal a Couch Potato Nation

Americans are fat. This is not news. But hey, we've got "science" in the form of attaching hungry, hungry citizens of this great republic to various probes and sensors and then recording the lethargy. The results, predictably, paint a picture of real women with real curves, real men with real sleep apnea issues and a nation that would never leave the couch, ever, if such a paradise was somehow obtainable.

Americans are stuck in chairs and on the couch, spending eight hours a day with their metabolic engines barely idling

And that isn't even counting the so-called "sleeping" that wastes another eight hours.

According to data from sensors that scientists put on nearly 2,600 people to see what they actually did all day.

"Can't I just write down what I do and report back? I think my word should be good enough."

"No. Sensors."

The results were not encouraging: Obese women averaged about 11 seconds a day at vigorous exercise

This exercise consisted of opening various food containers.

11 seconds? How is that even possible? It's been awhile since I've had an 11 second vigorous exercise and the truth is it happens to all men sometimes so stop looking at me like that and let me go to sleep.

While men and women of normal weight exercised vigorously (on the level of a jog or brisk uphill hike) for less than two minutes a day, according to the study published in Mayo Clinic Proceedings.

While not quite a two pump (of knees while hiking uphill) chump, it's not especially good, either.

I'm guessing the land whales used in this study thought the "mayo clinic" was some sort of mayonnaise research center and by the time they figured out it wasn't the medical devices had already been attached.

If you included moderate exercise, such as yoga or golf, folks of normal weight logged about 2.5 to 4 hours weekly, according to the data. In part, that’s good news: federal recommendations for adults include 2.5 hours of moderate-intensity aerobic activity coupled with muscle-strengthening exercise.

So really, everything is fine.

Still, the data sketch a nearly supine population profile, with days marked by long hours of sedentary behavior, particularly for those who are overweight or obese.

One nation, fully prone, gasping for breath, with assorted salty snack items and sugar syrups for all.

Edward C. Archer, a nutrition and obesity researcher at the University of Alabama at Birmingham. “How you spend your day determines whether you store your food as fat or store your food in your muscle, healthfully.” 

I don't think it's possible to be an "obesity researcher" in the USA and not be constantly on the verge of a violent meltdown.

Time for those eleven seconds of vigorous exercise.

For the obese, the study confirms what has been known for some time -- they are stuck in a “vicious cycle” of  inactivity and weight gain, said Archer.

We have now proven the "what goes around come around" hypothesis and are close to a unifying theory of how you can't have your cake and eat it too.

The difference between those who were overweight and those with a normal range body mass amounted to four to six minutes of moderate to vigorous activity, the study showed.

If we could just get everyone to climb a sheer cliff face while weighted down with 100 pounds of gear as quickly as possible for a lousy six minutes a day we would solve this problem.

Although socioeconomic data were not included in the paper, previous research has shown that low-income people, particularly single mothers, are most likely to falling into a low-exercise lifestyle, in part from the demands of work and from the condition of recreational facilities in their neighborhoods.

Although the article is pretty much over I thought I'd throw in this irrelevant digression that has vaguely political undertones for no good reason.

“Ultimately the greatest inequalities we have is in our health behaviors,” he said.

"If only there was some way to redistribute exercise using coercive methods via a state-controlled apparatus, perhaps after a bloody revolution where the 'health nobility' are targeted."

“Unfortunately, we live most of our life going from chair to chair to chair. And if we can change that, just a little bit, we can have a massive impact on our healthcare costs.”

Just remember, you are the sum of the value you create minus the costs of sustaining your life and that's it. For the good of an impersonal and often hostile system, shape the hell up.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

There is a long political tradition of abusing fat kids

JUST A ROUTINE AUDIT, CITIZEN-UNIT...

Getting down to the floor also allows for greater mobility as one streches and moves the body.

Yeah, and their new model is Planet Fitness, where serious fitness buffs are excluded, uninvited, and overtly discouraged from membership.

I've noticed the three most prominent "fat jobs" are goobmit, deadumacation, and hellth care.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.