News You Can't Use: Halifax Cafe Goes 'Screen Free,' Sparks Backlash

Constantly staring into tiny glowing screens is the bedrock on which one builds a healthy society. These travel-size Skinner boxes dispense important meaningless approval and vanity, the currency that purchases life's mythical hidden meaning. In light of all this one can't help but stare in dull surprise at a cafe that decides this critical component of a correctly lived biological imprisonment would be banned, a sort of "busted on dress code" for people who would never, ever, be welcome in the coolest clubs. Less surprising is the "backlash." You can strip away all my basic freedoms, but mess with the electronic choke chain and it's on like a neck-bone.

A popular Halifax cafe and bar found itself in a firestorm of caffeine-fuelled controversy Tuesday after declaring itself "screen free" after 5 p.m.

I'm a caffeine-fueled (only one "L," fraud news) passive-aggressiveness machine.

Lion and Bright cafe, in the city's hip north end, recently posted signs informing patrons of the rule, which requires work-related screens such as laptops and tablets to be put away during the evening. 

Yes, "work-related." It's critical to my corporate fast-track salt mine that this thing is on, all the time. I'm not crushing imaginary candy on there, no sir. Hard at work all the time, you better believe it.

"Close your screens, meet your neighbours! Lion & Bright is now screen free after 5 p.m. daily," the sign read in a photo posted to Facebook. An asterisk at the bottom of the sign said: "Includes Kindles, tablets, iPads, etc."

Try out some of that so-called human interaction, if your "tablet" hasn't already made you completely inept at it.

The rule sparked a debate online, and while a few people were receptive to the change, others declared it "pretentious." 

It still hasn't been called "vacuous" but it's probably only a matter of time.

A Twitter user named Simon Leither said: "Well, I know where I won't be going. I can manage my own device usage, be a social human being and engage with people on my own terms."

I don't need your phony RULES, man. I'm a free man and a hero. You just lost a Twitter user named Simon Leither. Now what. Yeah, that's what I thought.

Another Twitter user named Philip Moscovitch said: "Weird for a place that has tables specifically reserved for people who are working, and that is full of people working all the time. "

From now on "Twitter User" and maybe "former child" will be replacing the degrees I've earned on my C.V.

The backlash prompted the restaurant to issue a press release late Tuesday afternoon apologizing if the rule came off as "patronizing and haughty." 

Apologizing for haughtiness? What kind of "Twitter User" would even care? Many such cases! Sad!

"This was not our intention," the release said. "Being committed to openness and building a safe space for community to gather, we have taken the constructive feedback and have decided to edit those signs with a clearer message."

It's now impossible to take any action or to not take any action without offending huge chunks of an atomized, dying civilization.

It said the rule was "strictly for the benefit of our clientele to enjoy the dynamic space and offerings we've created in the community."

"I was just trying to help you!" as you're forced in front of a wall riddled with bullet holes and dried blood.

In an interview Tuesday afternoon, owner Sean Gallagher said the rule has always been in place, but had not been advertised previously in a clear way.

We have always been at war with iPads. 

"We had no idea it was going to be a bold move, but it's turning into one on social media, which is interesting and insightful," Gallagher said.

I feel like I'm, you know, learning a lot.

 I can manage my device usage.

He clarified that the rule does not include things like smartphones or reading a book on a Kindle -- only devices being used for work purposes.

This is Paul Ryan levels of backpedaling and groveling.

"It's a work hard, play hard philosophy," said Gallagher.

I believe in following my own star and all that.

HotBlack Coffee in downtown Toronto has not offered Wi-Fi since opening last year, in an attempt to foster a community atmosphere. One New York City chain has decided to do without at most of its outlets as well.

In New York we don't play, sucker, so all the coffee marks meekly accepted this new reign of terror.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Workers With Smart Phones at Health Risk

Every problem can be solved with the magical phone. Need to call someone? We can probably do that. Calming female voice to create the illusion of human contact while you huddle in your "Omega Man" bunker praying for the daylight that will drive off the mutants? No problem. Bird flight simulators? Aw, yeah. And hey, it gets even better! Now you can completely destroy the lines between work and your so-called own time by being constantly bothered by the next higher pay grade! Yes, comrade phone is our friend. Even if it does kill you.

German researchers studying the effects of people taking their work home with them at night or on weekends found that the workers were plagued by a host of issues, including cardiovascular problems, insomnia, headaches, muscular issues, fatigue, anxiety, and stomach problems, according to the Daily Mail.

Now for some of that efficient German research that has historically been a mighty force for good. As the dream of the 168 hour work week comes to fruition leave it to soft and lazy human assets to have tummy problems and general overall biological collapse.

The study, published in the journal Chronobiology International, examined 57,000 people, more than half of whom worked past normal hours, largely driven by access to smartphones and computer tablets.

Chronobiology International is probably best know for its above average fantasy international rugby coverage (All the hot picks on Team Fiji!) and that one issue every year where they're somehow allowed to show "artistic" nudity.

The researchers claim that the new advances in technology have prompted employers to expect their employees to be available at all hours, and asserted people’s bodies need purely recreational time to recover from work.

You crazy people and your soft and pathetic "needs." Once we fix that bug in our androids that causes them to turn violent and/or explode most of you whiners are out the door.

Remember when they were called "time saving devices?" I guess the new buzz phrase should be "life ruining devices."

Information and communication technologies, such as computers and smartphones... have the potential benefit and the potential inherent danger of making it possible for employees to be available any time and anywhere.

Much like a Panzer VI King Tiger it has both potential benefits and inherent danger.

Free time should be free time, otherwise it must be expected that it cannot fulfill functions of recovery and recuperation.

When the Germans are forced to champion our right to free time and recreation you know something is deeply wrong with the world.

The German study found that 90% of office workers have phones with email access, and one-third of those workers access their email over 20 times a day.

The "compulsive e-mail checking" disorder from the late 1990s is back and better than ever! We need to get this sucker into the DSM XXIX while it's still enjoying this comeback.

Last month, the German car maker Daimler installed software on its employees’ computers that deletes emails if the workers are on vacation; the company has 100,000 employees.

Now to have that software work all the time and you're set.

Daimler spokesman Oliver Wihofszki said: "The idea behind it is to give people break and let them rest. Then they can come back to work with a fresh spirit."

Where a giant wall and secret police failed, a day without a phone succeeded.

"Save me, German researchers!"

"It often needs to start at the top, with bosses taking the lead and attempting to change the culture at work. Not every country will implement regulations like France, so companies should look to make improvements of their own accord."

You could alert everyone to this New Culture initiative with repeated e-mails at 4 am on Christmas morning.

Full Story.

Komment Korner

I stare at two large lighted rectangles filled with information all day in my cube.

I always have to ask myself, "Is it worth it?"

It doesn't help that one boss is in EST and another in China time, so I have opposite time zones working against me.

Democrat propaganda can also make you sick.

They can be turned off! Find those buttons and use them, FCOL!


Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Fork Vibrates When You Eat Too Quickly

The stagnation in fork technology, especially when compared to the dynamic and exciting field of the knife, has been a troubling indictment of modern society. Why are we still using tined eating implements that would not have been out of place in 1900? Where is the innovation? And most importantly, how can it strip the joy out of stuffing garbage straight from a chemistry lab into the old sarcasm hole? Well, someone finally stepped up. For the first time since the introduction of the spork the dinner table landscape has changed, perhaps irrevocably.

Looks at fork, looks at toothbrush, looks at marital aid...an invention is born!

 

An electronic fork that vibrates when you eat too quickly has hit the marketplace. It's called the HAPIfork. It's makers say it allows the consumer to quickly monitor and reduce the speed at which they eat.

The average modern person is completely helpless without various electronic devices beeping and buzzing and generally giving orders. No longer will we have to rely on indicators like "my mouth is currently full" or "man, my stomach hurts" when a simple, expensive as all hell, device can do the job for us. The next logical step is putting a phone and internet connection into it. Maybe an app that makes a map on how to get from the plate to the big hole in your head.

The French inventors hope it can help combat obesity.

This intolerant fork is guilty of fat shaming! Hate crime! Fatophobia! Shame! Shame! Shame!

Body Type: Average. Nationality: American.

 

If someone is deemed to be eating too fast, HAPIfork alerts them with a gentle vibration and indicator light to remind them to slow down.

Don't go getting any weird ideas, ladies.

The company is trying to raise money via the crowd funding site Kickstarter.  People who pledge $99 to the company get one of the forks.

What a brilliant idea "Kickstarter" is. It's like an initial public offering with all expectations of "return on investment" neatly removed. $99 for a vibrating fork. Give $98 and you get the warm inner satisfaction of funding an idea so profoundly stupid that it almost beggars belief.

All the amazing details.

Komment Korner

Michael Moore could use his as a jackhammer.

If Limbaugh had one, would be shaking like Madonna's nightstand....

Only the French could be this stupid!

Now you will be told how fast you can eat, then next on the list will be how fast you should breathe, because as Bloomberg said, we know better then you do, what's best for you. You're too stupid.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.