Constantly staring into tiny glowing screens is the bedrock on which one builds a healthy society. These travel-size Skinner boxes dispense important meaningless approval and vanity, the currency that purchases life's mythical hidden meaning. In light of all this one can't help but stare in dull surprise at a cafe that decides this critical component of a correctly lived biological imprisonment would be banned, a sort of "busted on dress code" for people who would never, ever, be welcome in the coolest clubs. Less surprising is the "backlash." You can strip away all my basic freedoms, but mess with the electronic choke chain and it's on like a neck-bone. A popular Halifax cafe and bar found itself in a firestorm of caffeine-fuelled controversy Tuesday after declaring itself "screen free" after 5 p.m.
I'm a caffeine-fueled (only one "L," fraud news) passive-aggressiveness machine.
Lion and Bright cafe, in the city's hip north end, recently posted signs informing patrons of the rule, which requires work-related screens such as laptops and tablets to be put away during the evening.
Yes, "work-related." It's critical to my corporate fast-track salt mine that this thing is on, all the time. I'm not crushing imaginary candy on there, no sir. Hard at work all the time, you better believe it.
"Close your screens, meet your neighbours! Lion & Bright is now screen free after 5 p.m. daily," the sign read in a photo posted to Facebook. An asterisk at the bottom of the sign said: "Includes Kindles, tablets, iPads, etc."
Try out some of that so-called human interaction, if your "tablet" hasn't already made you completely inept at it.
The rule sparked a debate online, and while a few people were receptive to the change, others declared it "pretentious."
It still hasn't been called "vacuous" but it's probably only a matter of time.
A Twitter user named Simon Leither said: "Well, I know where I won't be going. I can manage my own device usage, be a social human being and engage with people on my own terms."
I don't need your phony RULES, man. I'm a free man and a hero. You just lost a Twitter user named Simon Leither. Now what. Yeah, that's what I thought.
Another Twitter user named Philip Moscovitch said: "Weird for a place that has tables specifically reserved for people who are working, and that is full of people working all the time. "
From now on "Twitter User" and maybe "former child" will be replacing the degrees I've earned on my C.V.
The backlash prompted the restaurant to issue a press release late Tuesday afternoon apologizing if the rule came off as "patronizing and haughty."
Apologizing for haughtiness? What kind of "Twitter User" would even care? Many such cases! Sad!
"This was not our intention," the release said. "Being committed to openness and building a safe space for community to gather, we have taken the constructive feedback and have decided to edit those signs with a clearer message."
It's now impossible to take any action or to not take any action without offending huge chunks of an atomized, dying civilization.
It said the rule was "strictly for the benefit of our clientele to enjoy the dynamic space and offerings we've created in the community."
"I was just trying to help you!" as you're forced in front of a wall riddled with bullet holes and dried blood.
In an interview Tuesday afternoon, owner Sean Gallagher said the rule has always been in place, but had not been advertised previously in a clear way.
We have always been at war with iPads.
"We had no idea it was going to be a bold move, but it's turning into one on social media, which is interesting and insightful," Gallagher said.
I feel like I'm, you know, learning a lot.
I can manage my device usage.
He clarified that the rule does not include things like smartphones or reading a book on a Kindle -- only devices being used for work purposes.
This is Paul Ryan levels of backpedaling and groveling.
"It's a work hard, play hard philosophy," said Gallagher.
I believe in following my own star and all that.
HotBlack Coffee in downtown Toronto has not offered Wi-Fi since opening last year, in an attempt to foster a community atmosphere. One New York City chain has decided to do without at most of its outlets as well.
In New York we don't play, sucker, so all the coffee marks meekly accepted this new reign of terror.
I used to have a difficult time relating to the pathetic, broken losers who camp out waiting for a sequel to be released, wasting the precious gift of life anticipating an escapist fantasy that is sure to be a disappointment because of its inherent limitations. I guess I still do, but on the other hand I'm mad hype for the long-awaited second edition of sovereign citizens trying their "this is not the car without plates you're looking for" mind tricks only to suffer the ignominy of being "owned." With another forty-plus minutes to get through it looks like this will be my new Saturday night thing.
Unlike most Part Twos we don't waste any time catching the viewer back up or explaining the premise for newcomers. Instead we're already deep in the conflict between Free Men of the Land and the 1984 nightmare state as an unseen fascist politely asks for ihnen papiern, bitte. Of course, it can't be that easy, otherwise we might not get wrecked. Our full-faced hero of the pound-sign resistance explains that he's "the human being that owns the entity." Could this be the new word magic? Just call your car an "entity" like in one of those PG-13 horror films about hauntings and you should be off the hook. It's not like you're going to get your window broken or zapped with a taser or bracelets behind the back, that's for sure.
For all your traveling needs.
We get a request for insurance and, incredibly, compliance follows. Shouldn't you be citing the Articles of the Confederation at this point? Come on, man. He even shows his license to the friendly face of totalitarian evil! Just as I'm about to lose all hope (We are the dead, etc.) the officer notes that he's "never seen a license like this before?" Excuse me officer, but this License to Oogle is pretty standard issue and thoroughly legitimate. I also have a "Female Body Inspector" card if you need to see that.
We skip ahead, mercifully, to our anti-hero explaining that his narcotics are legitimate prescription Colorado Cools, and as such perfectly legal. Still he's "under arrest for marijuana." Meanwhile the goon squad slips on a black glove, no doubt in preparation for massive Constitutional violations. What about, like, my right to get nice and evenly baked? Is that even factoring into the decision process here?
I'm gonna need you to smell the glove.
Our identification figure continues to argue his "lawful right" to get blown, but it's clear this is a losing battle, what with the lack of case law from the eighteenth century being cited. No wonder they call it dope. The door is opened and the full-figured champion of the sacred freedoms of this land insists he isn't being arrested, despite considerable evidence to the contrary. The owning finally occurs as our hemp smoking friend is shoved into the side of the car with a satisfying "Ow!" Then it's back to insisting his Satan Weed is actually "medicinal" before being driven to the ground.
"I'm not resisting!" is said repeatedly while the Chong this generation deserves flops like a freshly landed halibut on the pavement. The cuffs are put on while he continues to rant ineffectually about his right to get lit. Another weedhead defeated, good work officer.
We jump to the next vignette, where our unseen narrator records a police car pulling up with obscene resignation. Heavy breathing follows. Seriously, we get a lengthy piece of video that is nothing but painful sounding huffing and puffing while the police state leisurely gets into position. Apparently the free citizen's own erratic behavior (walking into traffic, screaming, etc) provoked the arrival of the goon squad, a likely story. This is tyranny. Despite "not consenting to contact" the no-nonsense cop, I mean criminal with a badge, demands a "favor." I wonder how this will play out?
I bet this guy wants to hear all about admiralty law.
"Step away from the bag!" Meanwhile more officers are arriving. You wanted attention, now you have it. No one wants to discuss probable cause, and our cameraman is instead told to sit down. No way, beast system. I have a right to scream menacing nonsense at random passerby. Some barely legible red text on the screen provides a massive spoiler for what is about to happen (Assault!) and sure enough after trying to leave it's time to roll on the ground with help from the oppression squad. Sadly the camera got turned off by the officers during the struggle (how convenient!) and you'll just have to imagine the worst, I guess.
New scene, a Ford Truck from the distant past, before the average cab height was about ten feet in the air, disgorges a scruffy sovereign citizen. He's told to "stand at the front of the car" but comes back with an impressive "Why?" Checkmate, dictatorship.
Another rejected Travis Bickle audition.
Ford Truck Driver is told to "have a seat" on the car. What is it with gestapo wanting us to sit down, man? It's bad for the circulation, unlike my "medicine." The last free man complies, showing off his impressive mane of lightly washed hair and general slovenly appearance. Apparently this handsome rake was involved in a "hit and run" according to witnesses. How can I use my incorrect reading of the Mayflower Compact to get me out of this one? If your answer was speaking semi-coherently about who exactly made the allegations than congratulations, you share a mind with free man adult Chucky doll here.
We discuss the lack of communication and even call for a "rewind" while making the appropriate circular hand gestures. Then the disheveled traveler reaches in his pockets, prompting a stern rebuke. Now it's time to put those same hands on the hood, but the champion of the right to crash into someone and drive off actually has the stones to say "Shoot Me!" Yeah, if only.
He finally assumes the position, dropping some unseen item (A miniature Constitution? My legal joints? A non-legitimate license?) in the process. An attempt to open a forum on the meaning of "probable cause" is swatted aside (A witness statement might, just might, qualify). "Are you listening?" Next thing we know, this Brad Pitt look-a-like is getting manhandled by uniformed thugs while continuing to mutter inanities during the cuffing.
Are you even listening, dude?
Another car pulls up, complete with point-of-view action driving. The production values, they keep getting better and better. The third officer rushes up with a taser. "Tase me!" is offered as one last act of defiance, but we're a little less reluctant to deploy the zapper as opposed to the hand cannon. First some painful electricity, than an awkward fall to the ground that looked really painful for the Free Man. Another police car pulls up. The scene ends with no less than four puppets of a criminal state working to subdue this goof. This is my special day where I got to be the Big Boy, I'll always cherish it.
I'm only eight minutes in. According to my pocket calculator that means we might do five of these. The "Holiday Season" has come early.
Komment Korner
For me busting the window is like busting a load
I got a dui once because I had a prescription that was a day expired.
As a cop, as soon as someone starts giving you a bunch of legal terms, you know you might have to tase an idiot today
the second guy looks like a human form of Chucky.
sees the time "Oh I should probably go to bed" sees a 42 minute video of sovereign idiots "NAH"
love watching these idiots getting there ass beat
Jesus christ, what HAPPENED to the guy @4:00? He looks like a goddamn manikin and his lips aren't moving. He's gotta be either high or drunk off his ass.
I THREW IT ON THE GROUND!!! I'm not a part of your system!!
Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
