News You Can't Use: Coca-Cola to Launch Premium Milk Brand Called Fairlife

Paying more for something automatically makes it better. This axiom is true even for liquids intended for a cow's newborns that could kill you. Perhaps the "Milk is for babies" motto needs to be revised in light of the fact that it's about to get more expensive courtesy of the producers of Rust Cola. After all, we'd all rather fund an aggressively awful marketing campaign and various corporate bonuses for individuals that may or may not actually do anything than some greedy farmer. Now we finally can. Take all my money Coke, you win.

When Coke tried to muscle in on the mineral water market, it was hounded out for selling bottled tap water.

Then we discovered the consumer is an idiot who will literally pay for tap water provided it's properly branded, so I'm not sure what the lesson here is.

Now the company has got its commercial eyes on milk. But rather than just repackaging another part of our everyday diet, the firm boasts its drink will come souped up in a high-protein, high-calcium, low-sugar form – and sold at twice the price of a normal pint.

Finally a solution to the massive amounts of sugar in milk. I haven't been this excited about the messy white gunk since before I found out "Muscle Milk" wasn't really milk and contained substances that were, strictly speaking, poisonous to the human biology.

Fairlife will go on sale in the US next month and according to Coca-Cola, a major investor in the product, it will be more “nutritious” with 50 per cent more natural protein and calcium and less sugar than ordinary milk.

This is nothing but the previous paragraph re-worded slightly. It contains literally no new information. Can we have a special, new, high-cost form of business journalism that's low in redundancy and high in insider trading tips that are no longer useful because now too many people know?

Heralded by breathless promotional materials that claim the new drink will take “milk where it’s never been before”, the drink is seen as the “premiumisation of milk” by the company.

This exciting new "asphyxiation" campaign is bound to succeed.

Speaking at Morgan Stanley’s Global Consumer Conference last week, Coca-Cola’s North American chief, Sandy Douglas, said: “It’s basically the premiumisation of milk… We’ll charge twice as much for it as the milk we’re used to buying in a jug.”

"...and you common dogs will buy it because you're a bunch of drooling morons whose idiocy I've endlessly exploited to amass obscene luxury. If you'll excuse me, I need to get back to one of my houses made entirely of precious metals and infant bones."

Mr. Douglas claimed that the milk “tastes better” than regular milk and is made on sustainable dairy farms with “high-care processes” and a “proprietary milk-filtering process”.

The taste is objectively better, thanks to scientific processes like "care." I guess they don't want to mention the "mother's love" or "honest day's sweat" also used for fear competitors might reverse engineer it.

Much of America’s milk is made in controversial mega-dairies where up to 30,000 cows are kept indoors all year round.

Please, can we get through one Thanksgiving dinner without having another hour-long screaming match about the mega-dairies.

But Mr. Douglas said its milk will come from 92 family-owned farms, and Fairlife boasts that it will be “pursuing the highest standards of milk quality, agricultural sustainability and animal comfort”.

With this sort of unbiased source of information how could you not be convinced?

The move is a major long-term investment for Coca-Cola, which has traditionally focused on carbonated drinks and owns nearly 1,000 drinks brands worldwide.

You probably know them as the "Sorry, we don't have Pepsi here" brand.

If you even got slightly aroused by this you're now morally obligated to buy our product.

Mr. Douglas added: “We’re going to be investing in the milk business for a while to build the brand so it won’t rain money in the early couple of years.

Raining money from a lacerated sky/Milking its horror/Creating my lame ad campaign/Now I shall reign in money.

Not all Coca-Cola brand adventures have been profitable though. In 2004 the firm was forced to take its Dasani bottled water off British shelf after just four weeks.

The loss of the British market cost them several thousand dollars.

The firm was unable to convince British consumers to buy the drink, which was reported to be Sidcup tap water that had been filtered and pumped full of minerals. It was found to contain illegal levels of the chemical bromate.

Right, what's going on 'ere? Dodgy chemicals in the Yank water? This is a bloody outrage, it is!

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Komment Korner  
 
Animals have been outside since the beginning of time.

I think you need to read slower.
 
I think this would be a wonderful opportunity to pause for a moment and give thanks for the many great contributions of the black community

Our family has virtually stopped drinking soft drinks. My daughter is the only one who still drink it. Coca Cola can bring out liquid gold in a coke can and we wouldn't buy it.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Coke Acts to Fend Off Obesity Criticism

Drinking "Coke" rules. It tastes like rust. It provides essential sugars, an area where almost everyone is deficient. It's very efficient to consume the equivalent of twenty tablespoons of sugar in just a few minutes and no doubt conducive to robust good health. Then there's the high fructose corn syrup. Corn is a vegetable and vegetables are healthy, therefore soda is healthy. Also syrup. Is there anything that screams a live well lived more than consuming various syrups? I'm pretty sure our Olympic athletes mostly consume special "training syrups."

And yet, not everyone is happy. Can you believe it, let alone dig it?

Coca-Cola has moved to head off rising concerns that sugary drinks are contributing to an obesity epidemic by adopting clearer calorie-count labels, promoting diet drinks and renewing a pledge not to market to children under 12.

Soda will not be sold to anyone who fails to provide a valid junior high ID. Because we all know how well that works. Of course bubble water is just one contributing factor to obesity and not the sole cause and "diet" sodas are full of dangerous chemicals in their own right, but when you're making a "pledge" logic probably isn't foremost in your mind.

The cause of the 1886 obesity panic is finally revealed.

The policy, announced on Wednesday, comes as the world’s largest beverage company and its rivals draw fire from health experts and lawmakers over the high calorie content of their flagship products.

If we could just make this product illegal it would solve everything. It worked for alcohol, after all. I guess "free will" is the one thing health experts don't want us to exercise.

He said soda sales had fallen in the US as consumers, worried about health issues, “self-regulated” their consumption. As a result, beverage companies are expanding in emerging markets, including India and China, to win new business.

Self-regulators. We regulate our own behavior without any laws forcing us. But you can't be any geek off the street. Gotta be handy with the health issues, earn your keep. Self-regulators...mount up!

As the recent days of warm weather has confirmed, America is the land of healthy, modest, self-regulators. Better go to China, land of irresponsibility and materialism. 

Next you'll tell me smoking is bad!

Analysts said Coke and rivals were concerned about a crackdown around the world.

Sugar Wish Part 4: The Crackdown. "You like Crystal Pepsi? I'm about to send you to a place where they still have it."

“Behind the scenes they’re lobbying, they’re fighting every single government attempt to try to limit sales of their products,” said Marion Nestle, a public health professor at New York University.

The secret cola wars rage on, shadow warriors fighting an invisible enemy. How many more must die for our sacred right to pour fizzy garbage into our fat faces?

Shares closed down 0.6 per cent to $42.45 in New York.

This slight drop caused some horrible rich bastard to lose more money than I'll probably earn in my lifetime. He didn't even notice. 

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Komment Korner
  

Coke is a distributor. The principle culprit is the sugar industry that manufactures an ingredient that kills and maims in all its forms. 

Which fool doesn't realise that Coke is unhealthy? Possibly the same fools that don't realise that a packet of peanuts may contain traces of nuts!

Or how about the caffeine content causing addition to their product? Surely this is a heath issue on a par with cigarettes? 

Putting the calorie count on the container isn't going to be effective if people's stomach sensors are confused by the HFCS and they continue to want more of the beverage.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.