News you Can't Use: Man Calls 911 To Complain That Stripper Would Not Have Sex With Him

There's a right way and a wrong way to use the magical three digit number capable of summoning law enforcement or emergency services in about the same amount of time it takes to get a pizza delivered to your house. The wrong way is when there's any sort of problem or conflict that needs to be solved in the next thirty minutes. The right way is for body disposal and, apparently, for attempting to get refunds when the grind club quasi-prostitution crossed over into the real thing in your own mind and then failed to deliver on these delusional expectations.

After paying $350 for a private dance at a gentlemen’s club, a Montana man called police to complain that the stripper did not have sex with him.

And yet there's a few cranks out there that think the coarsening of society is not entirely a force for good.

I don't know what part of "Take your keys out of your pockets so you don't damage my butt implants" this guy interpreted as an invitation to the adult act. It's almost as if this is a sleazy idiot and not the "gentlemen" of high quality such a night spot generally attracts.

William McDaniel, 53, paid for the dance Saturday evening at Sagebrush Sam’s Exotic Dance Club and Casino in Rocker, a Butte suburb.

Nothing says "exotic" like a western shrub combined with a common male name. And hey, semi-legal gambling! I wonder if he would have made the same emergency call if someone split up two tens in blackjack.

But when he did not get the expected sex, he dialed 911 to register a consumer complaint.

"Nine One One. What's your emergency?"

"I'm at a strip club and spending money without result. Help!"

This was a mistake on McDaniel’s part.

This is about as true a statement as you'll ever read.

Did not receive "handsome John" discount.

After questioning McDaniel, police arrested him for offering money for sexual favors, a misdemeanor. He was booked into the Butte-Silver Bow Detention Center, from which he was released Sunday morning after posting bond.

Sometimes it's just one of those days. First my wet-brain attempts to pay for intimacy fell through, then The Man is more interested in punishing the victim than correcting this horrific injustice.

It is unclear whether McDaniel (seen in the above mug shot) allegedly sought the sex in the Champagne Room at Sagebrush Sam’s, which has only one review on Yelp.

The lack of proper internet vetting from middle-age scumbags should have been a red flag. 

In March, “Dan M.” complained that the club “is dirty and smells like vomit” and needed a “complete makeover.”

Vomit and filth. Feeling amorous yet? I'm also looking forward to "Extreme Makeover: Semi-Brothel Edition" where we can tell the uplifting tale of cleaning up regurgitated food and making a "Champagne Room" worthy of having a ten minute long "date."

He added, “Even the stripper pole looked like it was going to break loose from the floor. Cleanliness and attitude need to be addressed. I will not go back.

"After five hours and several hundred dollars I left in disgust."

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Komment Korner  

I was with a guy in the late 1970's and we drove to the South Bronx New York City and he got ripped off by streetwalkers and went to a nearby cop car. The cop told him if I arrest them I will also arrest you for solicitation! This guy was not playing with a full deck obviously. Good thing he didn't get arrested because I was 15 at the time and didn't know how to drive! South Bronx at night and a white teen is not a good mix to be out on the streets! BTW, I didn't get ripped off and had a happy ending in record time. Oh my gawd, she was so fugly, I was so happy to get that over with.

Wow, Brian Cox, Mike Ditka, and Tom Arnold had a love child.

where the heck is His Sign???

Ummmm...

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Judge Nixes Nutter Administration Attempt To Tax Lap Dances at Strip Clubs

Sleazy thrills are the bread and vegetables of the psyche and as such, logically, should be as equally resistant to taxation as their physical counterparts. The right to "back rooms," "You'll get more grinding for an extra $10" and quasi-prostitution in general has recently come under fire from over-reaching Big Government, kicking off yet another quiet battle for the nation's soul.

It's going down in Philadelphia, until now mostly known for its freeway killers and the time when a rapper was spun like a human propeller, necessitating a fear-based parental decision to move him to an elite West Coast neighborhood. Now it will also be remembered as the place where "Mayor Nutter," who quite frankly sounds like a character in an XXX-rated City Council-themed VHS from the nineties, waged a losing battle against our freedom to exchange cash for crotch friction without having to pay a "Stamp Act" type punitive tax.

The Nutter administration has lost in its legal battle to tax lap dances performed in the back rooms of strip clubs.

Time to sign that unconditional surrender in the back room of the battleship Missouri. 

Lawyers for the city had gone before Common Pleas judge Ellen Ceisler, arguing that the city’s Tax Review Board last year was wrong when it said the city’s amusement tax was too vague to be applied to lap dances.

You've got to love the idea of an "amusement tax." "Hey, you with that smile on your face! Either stop being happy or pay the government!"

“If the city wants to tax lap dances, they can go to City Council, ask City Council to amend the ordinance, and they can start imposing a tax on lap dances. Or anything else they want: karaoke songs, piano playing.  Anything they want.  But you have to put it in the ordinance. You just can’t make it up as you go along.”

You can do anything you want, but first you have to get it past a body of faceless suits in a hearing no one knows or cares about. That's the correct procedure. Just make sure your speech is short.

Club Risqué and Cheerleaders, represented by Bochetto, faced tax bills totaling nearly $900,000. A third club, Delilah’s, was assessed more than $630,000 in back taxes, interest, and penalties for lap dances.

Fortunately the Sin Industry is the only growth industry left in America other than credit card debt and stripping copper wires, so it probably could have taken this tyrannical hit.

“I think the courts have essentially borne out our conclusions all along, that the city never really had a good case. The case never really should have even gone this far.”

"Let's celebrate by sitting back from the main stage, slowly nursing a beer and ignoring the repeated requests for "private dances."

Bochetto believes any further effort by the administration to tax lap dances would not sit well in any court.

Which is ironic considering how difficult it is to sit well after one of those "dances."

Please take any keys out of your pockets, keep you arms at your sides and fill out tax form 15158-EZ.

“I think the swiftness of Judge Ceisler’s ruling sends a message to the city that it’s time to give it up,” he said today. “It’s time to call it a day.”

You have suffered a total and complete rout at the hands of the legal representatives of "Cheerleaders." Game Over.

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Komment Korner  

What the fffffk? Obumfk has put in place taxes on suntan parlors and a couple other things noteworthy.

Ummm, while true, the implication that conservatives are the patrons of strip clubs is simply inaccurate.

I'd makem say uhhhh.

Getting your news from ABC, NBC,CBS,CNN, MSNBC or NPR is like watching Hogan's Hero's to learn about the Holocaust.

Jessica alba has the #1 pooper, man its FANTASTIC

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.