News You Can't Use: Young Gamblers Want Skill With Their Slot Machines

Hi Lucky, how would you like to bet some federal reserve magic on "Red?" Of course you would. But oh no, you're young and therefore full of wisdom and exciting new ideas that definitely need to be implemented immediately because stupid old tradition is, by definition, bad. For the nothing generation the thrill of wagering against probabilities stacked against you simply isn't enough. There must be skill, the thrill of the hunt, the bleep bloop of the video game. Fortunately, Friend Casino is prepared to cater to your unique pathology.

With the gambling industry anxious to attract younger players, some slot machine makers are looking to challenge the generation raised on video games.

More like raised by video games, am I right? Can't wait to play that "Mass Effect" slot machine where you can romance various alien organisms in between losing all your rent money.

Players in the United Kingdom will soon get a chance to make real wagers after sinking a battleship, knocking a character off a perch, or playing a word worth a triple-word score.

It's time like this I'm sad that the course of human events caused us to sever ties with our "friends" across the Atlantic. Just think, we could be playing "Sink the Arizona!" or "Knock the Chav off the Porch" or "Scrabble" in our casinos.

In Mexico City, Merkur Gaming is testing a slot machine that has players sit inside a cozy, futuristic-looking orb much like sensory heavy arcade video games.

Get into this orb. Wager. You're going to love it.

It's all part of a push to offer more skill-based, social games to attract younger players while retaining more traditional games for women in their 50s and 60s — the most lucrative players.

So all those "Matlock" machines aren't going anywhere.

For them, the allure of slot machines has been simple. Pull the handle or press a button, hear lots of noise and watch excitedly as the reels come to a stop, often so close to a big win that players can't wait to try again.

I think we can all agree that variant response conditioning rules.

At a recent convention of casino game makers in Las Vegas, Edvard Toth, studio head for California-based Gamblit Gaming, sat in front of a four-sided touch-screen table showing how a flick of his finger could launch a virtual slingshot sending a puppy clad in a police uniform flying toward a zombie cat.

You definitely want to get in on the ground floor of the coming "Police Puppies vs. Feline Ghouls" trend that will soon be sweeping our nation.

"This is a slot machine that doesn't look like a slot machine," he said.

Paradoxes such as this one mean big money for you and your criminal syndicate and/or tribal nation.

To meet regulatory rules, the new titles must be as much a game of chance as a traditional slot machine — a requirement that makes it difficult to design a game that includes an element of skill.

I'm down two grand...but I've been so accurate shooting officer puppy at the undead cats...what's going on here???

In the case of Gamblit games, mastering one of the more skilled challenges doesn't win a bet but instead triggers the spin of a reel or wheel, or a roll of dice for a chance at real money.

Before you even get a shot at the rigged game you'll have to clear some hurdles. This is so hip and with it, the young generation refreshing the Earth, man.

What's Hot: Tropical insanity, shooting a cannon at the Sphinx and disco.

Slot machine makers have tried to insert skilled games into traditional slot machines before, Toth said. But it's akin to sticking a slot machine inside the classic video game "Call of Duty" and expecting his grandmother to like it, he said.

You just know that dated reference was probably even worse before the editor fixed it a bit. Probably "Pac Man" or "Space Invaders."

The company is licensed in Nevada but will still need regulators to sign off on the technical side of its games once if it gets a U.S. casino order.

Regulators. We regulate the technical side of pitch the dog games. We're damn good, too. But you can't be any geek off the street. Gotta by handy at realizing "Call of Duty" isn't the hot new game anymore, earn your keep.

With that in mind, makers of more traditional slot machines are offering models with themes incorporating reality TV shows, 1970s superheroes and 1990s sitcom characters.

Match three similar pieces of pop culture vomit and win big prizes!

Full Article.

Komment Korner

Just like in the movie 'Wargames' , the only way to win is not to play the game.

I predict failure.

I'm 35 and have done some online gambling, I don't trust it.

Kids gambled on a brown guy with a silly Star Wars name, and our country lost.

Then, after my father died, I learned my mother was gambling at a local casino. 


Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News you Can't Use: Man Calls 911 To Complain That Stripper Would Not Have Sex With Him

There's a right way and a wrong way to use the magical three digit number capable of summoning law enforcement or emergency services in about the same amount of time it takes to get a pizza delivered to your house. The wrong way is when there's any sort of problem or conflict that needs to be solved in the next thirty minutes. The right way is for body disposal and, apparently, for attempting to get refunds when the grind club quasi-prostitution crossed over into the real thing in your own mind and then failed to deliver on these delusional expectations.

After paying $350 for a private dance at a gentlemen’s club, a Montana man called police to complain that the stripper did not have sex with him.

And yet there's a few cranks out there that think the coarsening of society is not entirely a force for good.

I don't know what part of "Take your keys out of your pockets so you don't damage my butt implants" this guy interpreted as an invitation to the adult act. It's almost as if this is a sleazy idiot and not the "gentlemen" of high quality such a night spot generally attracts.

William McDaniel, 53, paid for the dance Saturday evening at Sagebrush Sam’s Exotic Dance Club and Casino in Rocker, a Butte suburb.

Nothing says "exotic" like a western shrub combined with a common male name. And hey, semi-legal gambling! I wonder if he would have made the same emergency call if someone split up two tens in blackjack.

But when he did not get the expected sex, he dialed 911 to register a consumer complaint.

"Nine One One. What's your emergency?"

"I'm at a strip club and spending money without result. Help!"

This was a mistake on McDaniel’s part.

This is about as true a statement as you'll ever read.

Did not receive "handsome John" discount.

After questioning McDaniel, police arrested him for offering money for sexual favors, a misdemeanor. He was booked into the Butte-Silver Bow Detention Center, from which he was released Sunday morning after posting bond.

Sometimes it's just one of those days. First my wet-brain attempts to pay for intimacy fell through, then The Man is more interested in punishing the victim than correcting this horrific injustice.

It is unclear whether McDaniel (seen in the above mug shot) allegedly sought the sex in the Champagne Room at Sagebrush Sam’s, which has only one review on Yelp.

The lack of proper internet vetting from middle-age scumbags should have been a red flag. 

In March, “Dan M.” complained that the club “is dirty and smells like vomit” and needed a “complete makeover.”

Vomit and filth. Feeling amorous yet? I'm also looking forward to "Extreme Makeover: Semi-Brothel Edition" where we can tell the uplifting tale of cleaning up regurgitated food and making a "Champagne Room" worthy of having a ten minute long "date."

He added, “Even the stripper pole looked like it was going to break loose from the floor. Cleanliness and attitude need to be addressed. I will not go back.

"After five hours and several hundred dollars I left in disgust."

Full Story.

Komment Korner  

I was with a guy in the late 1970's and we drove to the South Bronx New York City and he got ripped off by streetwalkers and went to a nearby cop car. The cop told him if I arrest them I will also arrest you for solicitation! This guy was not playing with a full deck obviously. Good thing he didn't get arrested because I was 15 at the time and didn't know how to drive! South Bronx at night and a white teen is not a good mix to be out on the streets! BTW, I didn't get ripped off and had a happy ending in record time. Oh my gawd, she was so fugly, I was so happy to get that over with.

Wow, Brian Cox, Mike Ditka, and Tom Arnold had a love child.

where the heck is His Sign???

Ummmm...

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: How did Americans Manage to Lose $119 Billion Gambling Last Year?

Looking for some action? Maybe put a little wager on what card I'm going to pull out of a deck, what number I'm currently thinking of or how about a high-risk mortgage loan to someone likely to default? Yeah, all of that is pretty hot, so you can understand why we're losing more money on various dice games than some loser countries generate in a year.

The gambling industry around the world is huge, but the biggest market is the United States, where gamblers lost a staggering $119 billion in 2013.

Good news for everyone who bet the "over" on the 100 billion in gambling losses line.

That's a crazy amount of money; more money than Bill Gates has (with $72 billion) or Warren Buffett (with $58 billion), and only $11 billion less than the two men put together.

Imagine if the two men actually were put together. Four arms. Computer technology and voodoo investing in things like "tobacco" and "China." All that sweet, sweet long green. 512 bones. The result would be less than God but more than man.

And why do some players — problem gamblers, around 1.8 percent of the population — end up losing vast amounts of money, going into debt, and sometimes even losing their families and homes?

I'll give you even odds on "addictive personality disorder" and sweeten it by letting you imprison your bet if the psychological literature proves inconclusive.

1. Escapism, entertainment, and boredom: The places that people go to gamble — like casinos, hotels, card rooms, bookmakers, and even online gaming websites — offer an escape from everyday life.

Yeah, I'm watching imaginary cards flip over on a monitor while the numbers representing my net worth steadily decrease. This is glamorous and not at all depressing. So much better than "life."

In this sense, gambling can be seen as a form of entertainment, and those multi-billion dollar losses are the cost of being entertained, just as people pay to watch sports, listen to music, or play computer games.

How about "Red?"

Sorry it's "Black." I'll take that money now.

Are you not entertained???

2. Social activity: Gambling is a deep rooted part of American culture — 80 percent of Americans gamble at least once per year.

"Wanna hang out and play this Keno board I've got in my garage?"

3. Excitement and thrill: The sense of anticipation and risk creates an adrenaline rush and the payoff releases a surge of dopamine.

Adrenaline freaks! Clicking their chips together and staring at each other with dead eyes! What a rush!!!

When you receive a hug from a loved one, dopamine levels rise;

Let's hug a loved one instead of a slot machine.

4. Self-esteem: Casinos roll out the red carpet and dish out complimentary drinks, free stays in suites, shopping vouchers, and other gifts for big-time gamblers.

The casino is your friend, forget those crazy stories you sometimes hear.

I love that dopamine rush of helping older Pennsylvanians.

5. Self-delusion and the Dunning-Kruger Effect: Some gamblers believe they are lucky or special and will beat the odds and win, unlike the vast majority of gamblers.

Good old self-delusion, the glue that holds society together.

Inexperienced gamblers (and investors) may fall victim to the Dunning-Kruger Effect — the tendency for unskilled individuals to overrate their skill and ability, and underrate the difficulty of the task at hand.

I'm pretty sure I've gotten as good as a person can get at scratching off these tickets, so it's not that.

The global gambling industry forecasts that betting losses will continue to rise. And they're probably right. After all, it's been common knowledge for a very long time that most people lose at gambling in the long run. That's what keeps casinos in business. And yet, people keep keeping them in business.

We can only shake our head at this pathetic delusion. Now let's print some more currency and explain how a 700 billion increase in debt is actually a decrease because it went up even more the year before.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

Americans are proving to have poor judgement. Look who they elected to be president.

if Americans spent $119 billion on dining out, would that make headlines? What's the difference?

I thought Americas gambling losses came to $17 Trillion....just sayin'.

If you think these loser American citizens are bad...wait until you get a load of the government.

 

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here

DotTeeVee: Woman Screwed By Casino

The gambling industry and casinos in particular usually represent the heart and soul of the community. Run by squeaky clean professionals of the highest character they create many useful and uplifting jobs while providing valuable recreation to any city lucky enough to play host. It's with more than a little surprise, then, that I address today's youtube tale of a woman's casino experience that somehow fell well short of optimal. Can it even be real? Screwed by a casino? I know those words, but they make no sense when combined in that way. Are they sure the real title isn't "Screwed By Cashews?" No? Well that would at least make more sense, considering the degenerate criminal scumbags typically found in the salted nuts arena.

Hopefully a poorly produced internet "newz" show can get to the bottom of this. Well, who better, right?

Let's start with some good old patriotic garbage as we get an apropos to nothing American flag and text that identifies this program as "The Young Turks." I'm as anti-sultanate as any right thinking person, but still have trouble getting too excited. This oddly placed nationalism will continue in the show itself, as another flag and a picture of Mount Rushmore is displayed prominently. USA! USA! USA!

This guy is their target demographic.

The show staggers out of the gate as the chirpy female anchor mis-identifies the screwed woman as "Louis" before providing the correct name, Louise Chavez. In a bit of delightful and entirely necessary racism her snarky male co-anchor asks an off-camera man named Jesus if he knows her. Because all Hispanics know all other Hispanics. We call this the Latin Hive Mind.

Honestly, though, what the hell? I mean, this isn't a live show or anything, is it? Couldn't they just correct the mistakes and edit out the casual racism? I'm just sayin'.

Weird prejudices, moronic patriotism, shocking ignorance...USA! USA!

After we get done having a good laugh at stripping an entire people group of their full humanity we address the story proper. Or not. Again we get hung up, this time on the issue of Penny Slots: pro or contra. Our cheery bubble-headed host, identified as "Ana" is quick to rush to their defense in the face of more snark from her obnoxious partner. Or, "Don't diss the penny slots" as she puts it. Luckily that line is delivered straight instead of with an affected "Urban" accent, keeping the racism count at One. For now.

Ana makes a claim that she won a thousand dollars on penny slots and for once I share the smarmy co-anchor's cynicism and lack of socially prescribed decency. At an impasse over this claim, we finally get to the heart of the story.

It's you or me penny slots and I'm gonna make damn sure it's you.

We get a mildly interesting shaggy dog story about Louise's misadventures in the gambling Mecca that is Central City, Colorado. Losing that last twenty bucks to a bathroom slot machine in Primm, Nevada suddenly seems like James Bond shit by comparison. Apparently she won a 42 million dollar jackpot on penny slots. The sleazy male half is again incredulous and again I'm forced to side with him. I don't know if making this jerk-wad into a sympathetic figure is an achievement of some sort or just more proof of how awful this show is. 

Incredibly, the "casino management" is somewhat reluctant to offer an eight figure return on a one-cent investment, instead appealing to the "maximum winnings" of $251,000 printed on the side of the machine. Again, it's a penny slot machine. Shouldn't the "maximum winnings" instead be a picture of an envelope and a half-used roll of scotch tape?

The prequel to "How to Really, Really, Really Win at Slots" featuring the "pull and pray" method.

Ana is so outraged that she stumbles over the numbers, while the unnamed male is clearly preparing to deploy the full strategic douche-bag arsenal. We're told that the woman was a little upset about it and was given a free breakfast in exchange for silence. Always giving, giving and giving. That sounds like the kind of Casino Folk I know.

While that breakfast got converted into yellow, vein-clogging goop an "investigation" into the "real winnings" was conducted. After all the dust had settled the 42 million jackpot is recalculated as about twenty dollars. But at least you had fun, right? I mean, you're really paying for entertainment and shouldn't expect to win anything. 

After an "investigation" into her winnings, she owed the casino $300,000.

Ana can't remember her position in the great "should a casino screw over patrons" debate, and she immediately gets called out on this. Snarky co-host suggests that no one would ever side with a sleazy, dishonest casino and Ana is desperately backpedaling and pulling out crazy faces. Man, this is the real news right here, the stuff the LAMEstream media won't touch!

  "Her gaping mouth's red glare, the douchey sarcasm bursting in air, and our flag was still there..."

After regaining her composure Ana appeals to the letter of the law rather than the spirit, by pointing out the limits posted on the machine. She suggests the maximum possible award as a compromise, and this leads to Wise Guy further suggesting that it depends on what she actually "hit." Holy fudge, they actually ARE on the side of the casino. We've been set up! Get out!

The horrifying truth. "Obey the Casino. The Casino is your friend. No independent thought."

The nameless, odious man continues to obfuscate and distort the issue. Even Ana seems convinced. I guess this video should be retitled "Casino Investigates and Fixes Incorrect Payout, Gives Woman Free Breakfast."

Well, not so fast, as we get a lame appeal to emotions from Ana, complete with empathic hand gestures. Mr. Douche actually seems to be convinced and adopts a more contemplative tone of voice as he concedes that even giving only half of the 42 million would still be an outrage, let alone the actual bone-ride that occurred.

"Up next, my five-star review for the Tucker Max movie."

His usual water-and-vinegar tendencies return in force, however, as he breaks down the full indignity: "doesn't have a thousand, doesn't have a hundred, etc." He declares the lesson is that we should avoid penny slots, but Ana will defend this much-maligned past-time to the bitter end, even adding an almost certainly apocryphal story about winning $400. We get a black screen, some breathing and a "what could possibly go wrong?" The new media, friends. May it reign forever.

Komment Korner

What a fag making dumb fuck jokes that are gay

Both spellings are correct , you dumb FAGOT

id sew the shit out of the casino if that happened 

This guy is a douche lol

One day, i walked into a casino and insert a quarter and won $425.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.