I'm CIA. Uh, you don't get to bring your goofy article about how my coworkers are stealing snacks. Or you do, I guess. I'll call it in.
Several CIA contractors were kicked out of the agency for stealing more than $3,000 in snacks from vending machines, according to official documents newly obtained by BuzzFeed News.
When I'm suffering from between meal hunger you can't expect me to destabilize foreign governments or invent new street drugs. Besides, that one dollar, American, price is far too much to pay for salted goods and chocolate bar variations.
The thefts took place starting in the fall of 2012 and continued through March 2013, according to a declassified Office of Inspector General report from October 2013.
I'm losing respect for the "Russian Hackers" in light of the fact that our own super agents couldn't stop their own people from tipping the machine to make it dispense free product, in defiance of claims on that warning sticker.
The "theft scheme" involved unplugging a cable connecting the machines to an electronic payment system called FreedomPay, and then using "unfunded FreedomPay cards" to buy the snacks at no cost.
This clever scheme involved unplugging things. My proposed "tipping the machine" is practically James Bond stuff compared to this low effort caper. Now we know why Castro died of natural causes at a ripe old age.
After being informed of the thefts, the OIG installed "surveillance cameras at several key vending locations where a high occurrence of thefts were taking place," according to the report.
Then they put tape over the lens and we were back to square one. We couldn't topple Ukraine, but when it comes to stealing Kit Kats and Hog Logs we're an unstoppable force.
"Video footage recovered from the surveillance cameras captured numerous perpetrators engaged in the FreedomPay theft scheme, all of whom were readily identifiable as Agency contract personnel," the report states.
Actually the cameras worked, so it appears the total incompetence and laziness is evenly distributed throughout our glorious deep state swamp.
Investigators pinpointed one unidentified contract employee as having masterminded the scheme thanks to "his knowledge of computer networks."
My extensive computer hacking knowledge taught me that electronics don't work when they're unplugged.
They quickly admitted to the thefts. All then surrendered their CIA badges, were escorted from the building by security, and were fired by their respective contract employers.
No regrets, am I right?
What would happen if I unplugged that snack machine? Would you die?
The OIG referred the matter to the US Attorney's office for Eastern District of Virginia for prosecution, but the Department of Justice declined to press charges.
If you still think Hillary Clinton is going to do prison time, consider the above sentence.
There isn't a lot I miss about the nineties. Certainly not the absolutely slammin' junior anti-sex league and it's funky-fresh music videos and I suppose "extreme" everything would also fall into the category of memories that I'm glad were destroyed by the Russia soda. There was just something inherently insulting in pretending the same old garbage was suddenly edgy and dangerous (Jiff Peanut Butter...Extreme!!!!) to say nothing of the vomit-inducing imagery that generally accompanied such claims. Nevertheless, one "extreme" trend actually lived up to the hype and endured and I'm talking about coupon clipping junkies. Not everyone appreciates it, but such is the nature of "in your face" and "radical."
Megan Wilson claims a man yelled at her and called her a 'junkie' for taking too long at the Poplar Plaza Kroger in Memphis, Tennessee on Friday.
I just want to get my intense-to-the-max Lunchables and hit the door, hurry up you no-good needle enthusiast!
She later took to Facebook, saying he grabbed the 'back of the head and smashed [her] face into the cart' after she accidentally spilled a drink on him.
It really is a war zone out there, fellow clippers. You gotta watch your back, there's plenty of aggressive jerks that don't want us to save that ten cents on used batteries.
But police released surveillance footage of the incident, and it appears as if Wilson purposefully dumped the contents of her drink on him.
It's kind of like the movie Rashomon if the samurai were replaced with the worst Murrikan human beings available and then someone had a camera so there was no need to hash out the competing individual narratives.
Wilson posted a lengthy video on Facebook sharing her side of the story, and told WREG she spent 20 minutes with her special binder filled with coupons.
Everything I do takes super long, except shooting up.
She said: 'I do carry a binder with a filing system in it. And then I usually also have a duffle bag or a large purse-type bag that I carry full inserts and things like that in.'
Your filing system is not the envy of corporate America.
Wilson said she was bothered by his words, and even said at one point: 'I really wanted to hurt the guy but, you know, he's three times my size.'
I want everyone to suffer, but you know, "reality."
While Wilson claims that she accidentally spilled her drink on the man as she was leaving the store, it appears she purposefully flung it at him.
As long as we record everything we should restore a basic level of civility a few days before the Sun becomes a massive Red Giant and devours our feeble, unimportant planet.
The man can then be seen moving towards her, although most of fight takes place outside the frame of the surveillance camera.
We need more cameras. A lot more.
She said: 'Everything kind of went black for a minute and when I came to, I was on the ground.
All the best days of my life summarized in one sentence.
'So I stumbled to get up and the floor was slippery because obviously when he hit me, my drink went everywhere.'
My deductive skills were not damaged in the altercation, clearly.
We gettin' Scrooge McDuck coupons.
Police say they are looking for the man for questioning after he drove off in a Ford F-150.
We can add "horrible taste in vehicles" to the list of your crimes.
People like that are willfully ignoring the needs of other people. Happy Grinchmas!
Express lanes are BS. Most people disregard the items limit and usually there are too many people in it in the first place. Oh and my favorite scam-separating a cart full into separate orders.
No footage and what we do see is her clearly tossing her sticky beverage at the man.
After the tens thousands of customers I've come across, the extreme couponer can be, for the most part, a "special character". Self entitled, unapologetic, narcissistic. They are pros at the register, efficient and helpful to the cashier to get the transaction done quickly but if one thing goes wrong, if one coupon is rejected. Look out for b ! tch mode. Wish I was there to have seen this.
Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
I'm sure all three of my regular readers will be thrilled to learn that I didn't get spirit cooked and the long absence was actually caused by a combination of technical issues with the old sex-box and blatant laziness. In any case, I'm back and better than ever (Disclaimer: not actually a true statement). And what better way to resume the mantle as the best source of Real News than with a story from Poland about some guy that took The Ticket, had a freak-out and was caught on camera frolicking naked in the forest? Kids, just say "no" to hallucinogens.
The man, identified only as Marek H, is believed to have been high on LSD after taking the psychedelic drug to treat his depression.
He is believed to have been high on LSD after taking LSD. Never change, semi-mainstream press, you're the best.
A phototrap caught a flash of the 21-year-old man running stark-naked on all fours through a forest in Poland.
If this doesn't finally lay to rest the remaining arguments about the need for cameras absolutely everywhere I don't know what will.
According to authorities, Marek, from the Czech Republic town of Liberec, discovered his “true personality” when he stripped naked and pretended to be a tiger.
When I said "be yourself" I wasn't suggesting you should take acid and become a human version of a Voltron leg, dudemar.
He explained how he believed he had become a Siberian tiger once the drug kicked in, which is when his “true personality woke up”.
It's possible, just possible, that getting blasted out of your mind on chemicals may lead to false ideas.
After mapping out his journey, cops realised the 21-year-old had travelled 25 kilometres (15.5miles) through forest which marks the Czech-Polish border in this way.
And this, class, is how the dope-head tiger refugee problem began in Europe.
At the time of his questioning, Marek did not have any drugs in his possession.
Being naked and all, that's probably a good thing.
In May this year, a man stripped naked and entered a lion enclosure in a Chilean zoo, prompting keepers to kill two lions.
Before there was Harambe there was this worthless moron in Chile.
The man, who was named locally as Franco Luis Ferrada Roman, was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment, and survived the incident.
Another highly uplifting tale about how we saved someone from their own idiocy.
After stripping and jumping down into the big cat enclosure, the lions pounced on him and began to “play” with the intruder, horrifying visitors.
I guess we were supposed to be talking about this naked Czech, but I get easily distracted by other vaguely related topics. Because I drink.
“It was from there that he jumped, took off his clothes and started to attract the lions.”
Another possibility for the opening sentence of the greatest novel ever written.
While those of lesser means will have to settle for bags full of dirt and 100,000 round of ammunition, minimum in their preparations for the coming WROL cataclysm the people that are wealthy and as such actually matter are building super fortresses to hold off the rampaging peasants. It is, after all, only fitting that our beloved oligarchs survive the collapse they authored. And, like I said, these clearly are morally, intellectually and spiritually superior beings of goodness and light, not like you down in that hole with your AR-15 and tattered copy of the Constitution.
If you had to choose a country in which to be kidnapped — which is, granted, an unlikely eventuality — consider Ecuador.
While you're having your little Latin America kidnap fantasy I'll be going through your stuff, bro.
The average rate for freeing a kidnap hostage there is roughly $10,000; potential embarrassment or personal injury can be avoided with a quick phone call to the captors, who will probably be a group of local workers looking to supplement their income, says Fred Finan of security company 3e International.
Man, societal collapse and massive corruption at all levels of a stumbling, blind bureaucracy is actually a good thing when it comes to the ransom industry. Vote Hillary, it'll be cheaper than ever to get your loved ones back from government thugs.
Moreover — and this may provide some reassurance or it may not — the local criminal fraternity are unlikely to leave you awestruck by their ingenuity.
Third world criminals are dumb and other surprising revelations. Hey, I thought we were talking about how the kleptocrats are fortifying their homes, not the flesh trade in some loser country.
His current strategy is to leave a few thousand dollars to ensure they leave happy and without incident — like mince pies at the foot of the chimney for a criminal Santa Claus.
See, this total war of all versus all is totally manageable. Keep supporting the status quo!
This quaintly intuitive approach to personal security would attract few adherents in today’s most desirable global postcodes where, spurred by the latest technology, breaking and entering is fast becoming mission impossible.
If the sawed-off messiah can't do it, what chance do you have?
The whizz bangs start at a property’s front door. For the most discerning, fingerprint-activated locks are a must, says Heyrick Bond-Gunning, chief executive of S-RM, a top-end security company.
Before I buy a property I want to be fully informed in regards to the various "whizz bangs."
To keep both animate and inanimate house contents safe, vinyl polymer coatings make windows blast-resistant, to deter the traditional smash-and-grab raid. Fast-acting security shutters can block off key rooms, creating secure areas in the event of a break in.
Super-powerful magnets can pin the Ecuadorian kidnapper squad to the ceiling by their belt buckles.
However, the best retreat in an emergency is a safe room.
We're definitely due for another horrible movie about that, it's been way too long.
Congratulations on your release, John Hinckley. I was very impressed with what you did, by the way.
Helping to secure the perimeters is a new wave of artificial intelligence.
Don't worry, sir, these killer robots should keep those filthy working people off your lawn.
Barber says cameras installed in a house on The Bishops Avenue, Hampstead, are used to monitor staff. It means the owner, who is abroad much of the time, can spy on his army of gardeners, cooks and assistant staff wherever he is in the world.
As long as we're always spying on everyone we should kick off that new golden age of human decency and warmth any day now.
I'd like to apologize to my loyal readers (Yes, both of you!) for the absence but my computer finally died and insert more irrelevant and boring personal details at the end of this sentence after you finish the article. Don't forget, now! The good news is that I'm back with yet another amazing bit of useless news. In the past kids had "snow days" off from school, but thanks to global climate change caused by my automobile ownership as well as unprecedented societal health levels these have been replaced with one-day vacations for "terror," "open shooters" and "some rats got into the Michelle Obama lunches and their bloated dead bodies are now choking the halls." Today we have the extreme privilege of examining one of these incidents that just scream how everything is fine and your gun store should have your order by next week, stop bothering us.
University of Texas at Arlington says a “suspect has been apprehended,” and the “all clear” has been given.
We can now start treat this just like the weather. All clear like an azure sky on a spring day, student loan holders! The forecast for tomorrow calls for partly cloudy with a chance of major malfunction caused by lack of paternal attention.
Says the latest, and likely last Mav Alert, “Multiple sweeps of the Architecture Building have been completed. No weapon has been found. Resume normal operations.”
I initially read that as "Marv Albert." They've switched back into a zone defense of our soft targets...sweeping through the architecture zone...Roark being put in cuffs and tazed...Yes, and it counts!
Also, beep bloop beep, resume normal operations fellow biological units. Scanning complete, no threats detected. Please return to nominal protocols.
UTA police say the man had a video camera, not a gun, and that he was not a student. It’s not yet clear why they referred to him as a “suspect” in the Mav Alert.
Well, we're all suspects, right? Watch that Face Crime, brother.
He was eventually released from police custody about 90 minutes after the incident began.
This is why our taxes don't contain an itemized list of police expenses.
School is in session today, as students take final exams.
First I find out the "roommate suicide" loophole isn't real, now this. No guns, but I have a feeling they'll be plenty of bombs on that exam.
I can't get enough of impractical and invasive technology, which is why I've been down with the Google Glass sickness from day one. Yes, back before it was cool. Assuming, at some date far after writing this it actually becomes popular in the mainstream, otherwise my with-it-ness will not be vindicated. Either way, at least some people (broken pathetic people) are trying it out and the result is incredible encounters with bar patrons that for some reason aren't thrilled with being the subject of amateur hour surveillance and/or Baby's First Police State Kit.
We hit the ground running with a promise that this story will be featured "Only on KRON 4." Well, at least now I have a name for this bizarre alternate Earth that I'm forced to live on. Actually that's a "station" on something called "television," a pill that's arguably harder to swallow than my exile on a similar but fundamentally broken planet theory. I guess this thing is sort of like the internet except it's an almost entirely passive experience and you're totally defenseless against the advertisements. Yeah, this "television" fad ain't going anywhere, man.
Welcome to KRON-4, earthling. Your bitcoins are safe here.
Our cheery anchorwoman, who is sadly caught in that awkward life stage when you're no longer a "cougar" but not yet a "granny" informs us that we better start getting used to seeing people with electronics strapped to their faces. Stop resisting, it's the irresistible arc of the universe toward horrible new alienating inventions. You're on the wrong side of history, sorry.
Oddly enough, not everyone is comfortable with this fundamental shift in the paradigm. The reasons for this are so inscrutable that we're forced to leave ex-cougar town and confer with a specialist in technology named "Gabe." Not surprisingly, he's awkward as all hell. Huh, it's almost like being hunched over a computer or staring at a fist-sized screen you carry everywhere might have behavioral consequences.
I don't know what to do with my arms. Let 'em hang, I guess.
In all honesty, I like Gabe. His first words are "Let me tell you" and anyone who uses that as an opener is going to be a solid human unit. Please Gabe. Tell us. He quickly introduces us to a "Social Media Consultant" who wears her Google Glass almost everywhere. He then explains that this garnered her "A lot of attention at a bar in San Francisco" and I know it sounds like the build up to the sort of joke that will hopefully be illegal very soon, but that's not where this is going.
While this exposition dump is happening we also get Gabe's Twitter name, which I guess could be used to "Live Tweet" this story if it hadn't happened back in February. Please use hash tag #AwkwardArmPositions.
#SemiFingerTent is trending right now!
Anyway, let me tell you. We are promised "captured" footage of a rare time when resembling a Dinner Theater version of the Borg didn't go well and even resulted in "Unwelcome Attention." Yes, there is apparently such a thing, although you'd never know it if you even have a passing familiarity with "face-booking" and allied narcissist time sinks.
First impressions mean a lot. Just like Gabe won me over with his wussy version of Pro Wrestler talk, our Social Media Wizard immediately earns my disapproval, something not at all given lightly, by using the word "literally" incorrectly, as is the way with this courageous new world. She "literally" kept saying "I don't believe this" and goes on to further explain it was "the only thing that could come out of my mouth" and just how "weird" this entire situation was.
Clearly it's the rest of the world that needs to change, she's literally the minority of one, the last sane human being. Wearing a camera on her face. To a bar.
It's literal, while not being literally true.
After this "You need to come down from the space station and land, young lady!" drivel it's back to Gabe's tight narration. She was out at the bar with "friends," which I'm assuming is code word for various electronic devices when things went south. Patrons hold up open hands and beer bottles, but the "ass kicking for violators" once promised by a dive bar is not in evidence.
Back to our bubble-headed glass user, who claims there was a lot of "animosity." Please, stop killing words that used to be good and full of legitimate meaning. What to do in the face of this Technophobia? Well, you turn on the video and start recording them, of course! I'll show you who can display the worst possible public behavior! I haven't even begun to fight!
There were also "negative comments" and our tech-head looks like she's on the verge of breaking into tears. "They said bad things about my camera-face!" Children starving, war atrocities, massive government corruption and this is what I get emotional about. Sometimes I think there might actually be some negative aspects of our current societal direction.
"Everyone's racist against FaceCam Americans!"
She then mentions how the evil normals were trying to shield themselves from being recorded and insists "It wasn't on!" even as we see the footage that was collected when she, you know, had it turned on. It doesn't take Encyclopedia Brown to see the problem with this.
I recorded this while it was turned off.
We get an appeal to "They didn't understand it!"which I guess would carry more weight if she actually knew the difference between "off" and "on." Then, the Luddites turn hostile. Well, sort of. One obscurantist tells our technology booster that she's "killing the scene." Hey, I didn't put in all this "make the scene" work just so my moment of triumph could be snatched away by a Google victim.
Then we get the big payoff, as a "towel was thrown" and Gabe offers Zapruder film-style analysis of this critical moment, complete with a giant orange immobile arrow that is actually correctly lined up with the offending cloth for about a tenth of a second.
Clearly the towel came from the grassy knoll.
Some other barfly also makes a halfhearted attempt to grab at the glasses, complete with slo-mo Sports Center replay, but it's so lame there really isn't much to say about it. How about more rambling? We're told that this technology could prevent these kinds of incidents.
It will prevent the incidents we just saw it cause. There might be a small logical problem here.
Most people love the Google Glass, in spite of the massive visual evidence to the contrary we just witnessed. What happened in that bar was a actually horrific anomaly, one last pathetic gasp from a past that needs to die. She keeps ranting about the benefits of this product with all the numb sincerity of a victim of cultic brainwashing. We're told we'll be won over if we "actually try them on." Yes, let's. Come down to the center. Take a personality test and learn about The Savior. Join us, it's blisssss...
Gabe, clearly as fed up with this b.s. as I am gives a quick "peace out."
Check Out My Books!
Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.
His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
Wouldn't it be great if we were constantly under government surveillance? Obviously our Inner Party feels this way and since they're reading this, so do I. I love IngSoc! Death to EastAsia, our eternal enemies! I'm certainly not keeping a diary or trying to remember the past. Don't audit me, bro!
In addition to eliminating wrong-think cameras can also make our roads safer by giving tickets to offenders well after the fact. And sometimes not offenders too, I suppose. It's a small price to pay for SAFER ROADS, right? You're not some kind of monster that wants more traffic fatalities, are you? Of course you aren't. Here's your ticket for a light our camera says you ran back in January.
Those traffic cameras drivers hate and municipal bean counters love have brought a small village in Ohio to a grinding halt.
Bean counters, El Oh El. Looks like someone forgot it's really about our safety, just like everything that happens. Those cameras? Your safety. Body cavity search? Your safety. Arrested for unpopular opinions? Safety.
Elmwood Place (pop. 2,188) has seen four of its six Village Council members resign amid public outrage over a flurry of fines issued by the cameras.
I like how the wording makes it sound like no human agency is involved in this at all. The cameras have become self-aware!
“The public is bewildered with what is going on,” Village Councilman Jerald Robertson told FoxNews.com. “There is a sense that they have no idea what we are doing.
"Some days I try to remember what things were like a decade ago, even though we're told not to do that. I don't think it was like this, but I can't be sure. Oh well, back to the television."
“I have no idea what is going on with the council,” he added.
Cities and towns around the nation, working with private companies, have installed the cameras to catch drivers speeding or running red lights. They then split the fine proceeds, generating big profits for companies such as American Traffic Solutions and Redflex Traffic Systems, and much-needed revenue for municipalities.
When the evils of capitalism and socialism unite, look out.
Attorney Mike Allen is fighting back at Elmwood Place, filing for class-action status for a suit against the town on behalf of everyone who paid a fine meted out by an eye in the sky.
He's suing GOD??? Oh, right. It's supposed to mean the cameras.
“We feel what the village did was unconstitutional.”
Whoa, comrade brother. Constitution? That sounds like terrorist talk.
Health problems were cited as the reasons for the resignations for two of the members, but Robertson believes the public outrage played a role in all of their decisions.
The self-aware computer now controlling the city had no comment, other than a blinking, menacing red light.
It's never anyone's fault but the "out of control" government's. Right?
Never mind the people who speed. Or gun it to avoid waiting 30 seconds
at a red light. Or someone who thinks it's his/her right to park
whenever, wherever they want because they're just going "inside for a
minute." It's always someone else who is at fault.
How do we know these cameras don't snap random pictures along with real violators to pad the coffers? And don't tell me it couldn't happen with our open and transparent governments.
I work in a city that has red light cameras and will slowly and carefully proceed to the city limits before purchasing anything. I urge everyone else to do the same if they find themselves in such a place.
Just another example of big brother and how they manage to fowl up this country
Obey Big Brother..nuf said. bye
Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.
