News You Can't Use: UT-Arlington Police Issue ‘All Clear’ After No Gun Found Following Scare

I'd like to apologize to my loyal readers (Yes, both of you!) for the absence but my computer finally died and insert more irrelevant and boring personal details at the end of this sentence after you finish the article. Don't forget, now! The good news is that I'm back with yet another amazing bit of useless news. In the past kids had "snow days" off from school, but thanks to global climate change caused by my automobile ownership as well as unprecedented societal health levels these have been replaced with one-day vacations for "terror," "open shooters" and "some rats got into the Michelle Obama lunches and their bloated dead bodies are now choking the halls." Today we have the extreme privilege of examining one of these incidents that just scream how everything is fine and your gun store should have your order by next week, stop bothering us.

University of Texas at Arlington says a “suspect has been apprehended,” and the “all clear” has been given.

We can now start treat this just like the weather. All clear like an azure sky on a spring day, student loan holders! The forecast for tomorrow calls for partly cloudy with a chance of major malfunction caused by lack of paternal attention.

Says the latest, and likely last Mav Alert, “Multiple sweeps of the Architecture Building have been completed. No weapon has been found. Resume normal operations.”

I initially read that as "Marv Albert." They've switched back into a zone defense of our soft targets...sweeping through the architecture zone...Roark being put in cuffs and tazed...Yes, and it counts!

Also, beep bloop beep, resume normal operations fellow biological units. Scanning complete, no threats detected. Please return to nominal protocols.

UTA police say the man had a video camera, not a gun, and that he was not a student. It’s not yet clear why they referred to him as a “suspect” in the Mav Alert.

Well, we're all suspects, right? Watch that Face Crime, brother.

He was eventually released from police custody about 90 minutes after the incident began.

This is why our taxes don't contain an itemized list of police expenses.

School is in session today, as students take final exams. 

First I find out the "roommate suicide" loophole isn't real, now this. No guns, but I have a feeling they'll be plenty of bombs on that exam.

Full Story. 

 Wow, look out Harvard.

Komment Korner, Traumatized Student Edition   

Some guy dressed in army gear walking around campus with a gun.

ain't nobody got time for that

There is a man with a gun on campus but UTA is more concerned with us still taking our finals.

ATTN! 911 911 911 POTENTIAL GUNMAN AT UTA ARCH 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.