Showing posts with label Your Stupid Minds. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Your Stupid Minds. Show all posts

Friday, March 9, 2018

News You Can't Use: Madness of Daylight Saving Time Endures

It sure is exciting to control time. This Saturday I'll press a button on my 1979 clock radio and an entire hour will simply vanish, sixty minutes of "live life to its fullest by running through fields and hang-gliding" eradicated in a single act of human will gone insane. Hard as it is to believe, there are some dissenters to the world's lamest version of time travel and in the interest of being fair and balanced we must give the other side equal time. At least until a New York businessman hits the scene and that whole idea gets thrown out the window.

One hundred years after Congress passed the first daylight saving legislation, lawmakers in Florida this week passed the “Sunshine Protection Act,” which will make daylight saving a year-round reality in the Sunshine State.

We will protect our precious vanishing sunlight. We stopped those Plan Nine aliens by punching them in the face and we'll stop any naysayers to this latest ill-conceived solar strategy, too.

If approved by the federal government, this will effectively move Florida’s residents one time zone to the east, aligning cities from Jacksonville to Miami with Nova Scotia rather than New York and Washington, D.C.

It took me forever to fully parse this bizarre information and when I finally did I wept for the future.

The cost of rescheduling international and interstate business and commerce hasn’t been calculated. 

The client is losing a billion dollars a second! Etc.

Instead, relying on the same overly optimistic math that led the original proponents of daylight saving to predict vast energy savings, crisper farm products harvested before the morning dew dried and lessened eye strain for industrial workers, Florida legislators are lauding the benefits of putting “more sunshine in our lives.”

In optimistic math 0.5 is halfway to one and not halfway to zero.

It’s absurd – and fitting – that a century later, opponents and supporters of daylight saving are still not sure exactly what it does.

Fudging clocks, how do they work?

Despite its name, daylight saving has never saved anyone anything.

It's all a lie! A lie! *is restrained by government thugs*

For centuries people set their clocks and watches by looking up at the sun and estimating, which yielded wildly dissimilar results between (and often within) cities and towns.

Well, sure looks like noon. Consider it official.

In 1883, the economic clout of the railroads allowed them to replace sun time with standard time with no legislative assistance and little public opposition.

It's because of "interesting" stories like these that the History Channel has switched to an "all aliens, all the time" format.

All my distant acquaintances on social media are gonna love this, haw, haw, haw.

While proponents argued that shoving clocks ahead during summer months would reduce energy consumption and encourage outdoor recreation, the opposition won out. 

I'm shoving clocks. You better stay out of my way unless you want some too, punk.

Then, in 1916, Germany suddenly adopted the British idea in hopes of conserving energy for its war effort.

You convinced me it was a good idea by appealing to the wartime policies of the Central Powers.


Komment Korner  

Daylight savings time? Yeah, it provides more sunlight at the end of the day but so what?

Circadian clocks are not something you want to mess around with.  

Oh no! Scary dark! Sounds like you've experienced lots of hardships in your life what with your "work" and all. 

Anything that Massachusetts supports should be defeated soundly.

You do realize that no matter what time you set your clock to that there are only so many daylight hours each day, don't you? Of course you dont because you are an idiot

These stupid humans. 

Daylight savings is a product of the devil and must be stabbed through it's black heart until dead and stacked to the ground to never again rise.
 
Arizona is the only sane state in the union. 

When the change occurred in 1966, I didn't get my homework done and blamed it on Congress.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

Sunday, January 24, 2016

News You Can't Use: Robots Could Soon Read Your Mind

It's very important that we somehow gain access to those sweet cranial electrical storms for the purpose of selling you products and not otherwise specified evil. In the past it wasn't easy and we had to rely on sharpened rocks and the like to get at the old head mush. The end result was barely worth the effort. Fortunately you and I are living in the best moment in all of human history (tomorrow will be even better!) and the technology for stamping out day dreaming, gaining easier thought crime convictions and selling, selling, selling based on frontal lobe invasion is near at hand.  And it's going to be robots! The future! I can barely believe it, honest.

Robots could soon be able to read your mind - and we won't be able to stop them because there are no laws against it, experts claim.

If only there were laws, that would stop it. Just like how they wiped out marijuana abuse and jaywalking. Please, elected officials, pass more laws and save us from the mind-reader bots. If you don't we'll be stuck with having to try to constantly think "Down with Big Robot!" as a pathetic and impotent final act of defiance.

If expert predictions come true, by 2030 smartphones, tablets and computers will be able to examine our brain activity to see what we are thinking.

Nice to see the "Flying car by 1965!" brigade hasn't lost any of their optimism for a high tech nightmare world.

Initially this will be used for security as a kind of 'pass thought' - the user thinks of a specific song or thought which the device recognises and then unlocks itself.

Hold on, let me concentrate on this highly detailed sexual/violence fantasy that unlocks my device so I can play some Angry Birds go to Brazil.

But a panel at the World Economic Forum, in Davos, warned of the terrifying possibility of hackers reading people's innermost thoughts.

Have you even considered the horrors this will unleash? Horrors like poorly written and completely unengaging "dystopia" novels about this possibility. Can we still love and chase nihilistic individuality in a world with hackers reading our thoughts? Find out next year in the artistically important new release "Summer of 1987."

"It turns out every person thinks quite differently about the same thing.

Your pathetic human minds full of stupidity and worthless non-collectivism. Prepare to be absorbed.

"So you could think like a song or a little ditty in your head while you are wearing a consumer based EEG device and then that, which has a unique neural signature, can be used as your pass code.

I guess you could just type in a word or whatever, but come on, future! Put these electrodes on, dawg.

"It turns out that's an incredibly effective, incredibly safe and almost impossible to replicate pass code, so there is discussion about using pass thoughts."

No one else could ever correctly visual the music video for "Last Christmas." No way.

She added: "Then you've got to really think about privacy."

Thinking about my love of privacy is my new pass thought.

But she warned once out there, "not good Samaritans" could access the data. 

I am aware of reality, at least in a highly abstract fashion.

One of these in every house.

"The idea that law is going to help us is not likely." 

There's some refreshing cynicism.

"There are no legal protections from having your mind involuntarily read," she added.

I'm pretty sure the Witchcraft and Devilry Act of 1691 covers at least some of that territory, actually.

Robot teaching assistants were also predicted at during the panel discussion.

Just when you thought that Geology 103: Rocks for Jocks lab session couldn't be any more half-assed.

"So I am imagining a world where we all have a bunch of cognitive assistants helping us."

We used to call them "family and friends" but let's get with the times.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

Wednesday, November 27, 2013

News You Can't Use: New Weight Loss Chip Implanted in the Arm Tells You When to Stop Eating

This week the middle portion of the North American Union will be celebrating some sort of hybrid gluttony/pretend to tolerate relatives you see three times a year festival. Maybe the attempts at human contact and politeness represent novelty, but the face-stuffing probably doesn't fall too far out of normal parameters for many. The upshot is we've got some weight issues. Fortunately, the invasive implantation of poorly tested and probably dangerous technology is rushing to the rescue.

A computer chip that could be implanted in an obese patient’s arm to help weight-loss is being developed by scientists.

Now they just have to develop some sort of drilling device to get through what doctors call "arm flab" or "fatceps." 

It would constantly check for fat in the blood and, when someone has eaten too much, release a hormone that sates hunger.

Technology can solve any problem, which is why we're currently living in an intellectual, spiritual and economic golden age.

In tests on mice, an early version of the device led to obese creatures eating less fatty food and shedding weight.

...and let's be real, you're just a glorified mouse. In fact, in many ways, you are the inferior of that particular vermin. Here, let me put things into your body to alter your behavior.

The Swiss researchers hope that within five to ten years they will have a version the size of a coin that can be slipped under the skin of a slimmer’s arm.

The current version is the size of a mini-refrigerator, requires two car batteries to power and has a bad habit of ordering the heart to stop beating. Give us a decade or so, all that will be fixed. In the meantime, keep on gorging, I guess.

The chip’s inventor, Professor Martin Fussenegger, said chips containing other combinations of genes could be developed to tackle other illnesses.

It could be used to prevent Wrong Think and control Face Crime! That will always be the dream, anyways.

If effective, it would provide an alternative to diet pills, which have to be taken several times a day, as well as to expensive and invasive obesity survey such as gastric banding.

Finally, a viable alternative to cotton balls.

The equal and opposite reaction.

It is also hoped it will be free of major side-effects.

It sure would be nice.

Being obese can knock up to nine years off a person’s life and raise the risk of a host of health problems, including diabetes, heart disease, stroke, infertility, depression and some cancers.

The opposing argument distills to "only dogs dig on bones" and "more cushion = sweeter pushing."

A spokesman for the researchers said: ‘Humankind has a weight problem.

You humans and your stupid minds. Stupid! Stupid!

Subject to funding, the chip could be tested on people for the first time in around three years.

In four years we should start seeing the first "1-800-BAD-CHIP" ads for class action lawsuits.

If it is shown to be safe and effective, it could be widely available a few years afterwards.

If not, we'll be digging some extra-wide graves.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

Whatever happened to good old self control.

It would be nice if Democrats had a device to tell them to stop speaking if a lie is detected. 0bama would not get past "Good morning."

Think this is bad? Wait for the Obamacare chip that tells you when to stop breathing.

Doesn't that already exist in our brains????

Diet and excerise simply aren't viable


Shill Section  

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.