News You Can't Use: Scientists Cure Disorders in Mice by Resetting Their Brains

After damaging your brain with pinball, wacky glue, cocaine in crack format and the total and complete devastation of the normal aging process the next natural question becomes how can "science" finally pull its weight and fix the damage. Well, it looks like we're now closer than ever with various white coats solving the complex psychological problems of mice via a bunch of stuff you wouldn't understand. And since we're just glorified mice, albeit generally less likable and more prone to attempting to destroy our own kind, this cure should be easily transferred to your average television victim.

A team of scientists has cured a brain disorder in adult mice by rebooting the rodents' brains and allowing them to rewire themselves.

Take this tiny, very cute welding device and rewire your gray mass, Mickey. We'll reboot it, because the brain is a lot like a Nintendo Entertainment System, despite lacking a zapper.

The research demonstrates that certain features of young brains can be recreated in mature brains, even in parts of older brains that scientists believed were impervious to change.

"I am Tradition Man! Radiation from your yellow sun has made me impervious to change!"

It could also pave the way for treating a variety of developmental disorders that begin relatively early in life.

Soon we can use dangerous neurological interventions to finally put an end to "boys will be boys."

The brain continues to change throughout life, but it grows more and more difficult to break certain kinds of connections as time passes.

Decades of weekend alcoholism might also play a small role.

But Sunil Gandhi and his colleagues at the University of California, Irvine, have found a way to hit the reset button in certain regions of the brain even later in life, allowing the organ to rewire itself and iron out the kinks that can lead to disorders.

I imagine this failing and your brain flashing the biological version of the VCR clock 12:00 AM over and over while you become a hopeless drooling vegetable.

The research was funded by a grant from the High-Risk, High-Reward program at the National Institutes of Health.

This is the same group that funded such studies as "Stealing from drug lords" and "Expressing popular, but forbidden, political opinions."

In their study, the scientists implanted special cells into the brains of adult mice that suffered from a disease called amblyopia, sometimes called lazy eye.

Sometimes also called "You could hunt eagles and squirrels at the same time."

Amblyopia is not a problem with the eye itself, but usually results instead from a problem in the connection between the eye and the brain.

You mean it's me noggin and not me peepers?

"I have to say it was mind blowing," Gandhi said.

Not literally, one would hope.

"I began these experiments with colleagues about eight years ago, and all throughout we were subject to concern that this enterprise we were engaged in was far fetched."

I lost everything because I believed lazy eye could be cured by resetting the neocortex, but now I've been fully vindicated.

"The neuroscientist has a default expectation that it is not possible to wire in [to the neocortex] like that," Gandhi said. "It's kind of like a Black Swan phenomenon, that now that we have the evidence, a lot of people will treat it as obvious, but I can tell you that there is a long list of my senior colleagues that thought this was impossible."

Lots of old people with their time ravaged neocortexes thought it wouldn't work, but they were wrong, of course.

"With all potential therapies involving placing cells in the brain, one has to be very cautious," Gandhi said.

So please, put down that ice cream scoop and live wire.

Thank you for fixing my cross-eyes, Camille.

"But what we hope is that this study, along with many others, begins to open the door to the therapeutic viability of cell-based approaches."

As a man of science, I like to use my powerful hoping abilities. 

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Note: will not be effective on republican cowards.

*Yawn* Another day, another incredible age reversing breakthrough in...MICE.

Mandatory brain resets for all liberals.

Walk this way. No, THIS way.

Please put some in my brain so I can see if I can learn foreign languages more easily. GIVE ME BRAIN


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: New Weight Loss Chip Implanted in the Arm Tells You When to Stop Eating

This week the middle portion of the North American Union will be celebrating some sort of hybrid gluttony/pretend to tolerate relatives you see three times a year festival. Maybe the attempts at human contact and politeness represent novelty, but the face-stuffing probably doesn't fall too far out of normal parameters for many. The upshot is we've got some weight issues. Fortunately, the invasive implantation of poorly tested and probably dangerous technology is rushing to the rescue.

A computer chip that could be implanted in an obese patient’s arm to help weight-loss is being developed by scientists.

Now they just have to develop some sort of drilling device to get through what doctors call "arm flab" or "fatceps." 

It would constantly check for fat in the blood and, when someone has eaten too much, release a hormone that sates hunger.

Technology can solve any problem, which is why we're currently living in an intellectual, spiritual and economic golden age.

In tests on mice, an early version of the device led to obese creatures eating less fatty food and shedding weight.

...and let's be real, you're just a glorified mouse. In fact, in many ways, you are the inferior of that particular vermin. Here, let me put things into your body to alter your behavior.

The Swiss researchers hope that within five to ten years they will have a version the size of a coin that can be slipped under the skin of a slimmer’s arm.

The current version is the size of a mini-refrigerator, requires two car batteries to power and has a bad habit of ordering the heart to stop beating. Give us a decade or so, all that will be fixed. In the meantime, keep on gorging, I guess.

The chip’s inventor, Professor Martin Fussenegger, said chips containing other combinations of genes could be developed to tackle other illnesses.

It could be used to prevent Wrong Think and control Face Crime! That will always be the dream, anyways.

If effective, it would provide an alternative to diet pills, which have to be taken several times a day, as well as to expensive and invasive obesity survey such as gastric banding.

Finally, a viable alternative to cotton balls.

The equal and opposite reaction.

It is also hoped it will be free of major side-effects.

It sure would be nice.

Being obese can knock up to nine years off a person’s life and raise the risk of a host of health problems, including diabetes, heart disease, stroke, infertility, depression and some cancers.

The opposing argument distills to "only dogs dig on bones" and "more cushion = sweeter pushing."

A spokesman for the researchers said: ‘Humankind has a weight problem.

You humans and your stupid minds. Stupid! Stupid!

Subject to funding, the chip could be tested on people for the first time in around three years.

In four years we should start seeing the first "1-800-BAD-CHIP" ads for class action lawsuits.

If it is shown to be safe and effective, it could be widely available a few years afterwards.

If not, we'll be digging some extra-wide graves.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

Whatever happened to good old self control.

It would be nice if Democrats had a device to tell them to stop speaking if a lie is detected. 0bama would not get past "Good morning."

Think this is bad? Wait for the Obamacare chip that tells you when to stop breathing.

Doesn't that already exist in our brains????

Diet and excerise simply aren't viable

Shill Section  

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Fountain Of Youth May Be Sitting In Your Medicine Cabinet

Is there any problem that can't be solved by pills? Not that I know of. Need to get larger or smaller? Children behaving in a way that falls within normal parameters but is annoying or inconvenient? Looking to have old man sex? The answer is pills. What about the horrors of ordinary biological processes that remind us we're unique living beings and not characters from a commercial? Well, they're working on it. Soon we will all be able to realize the very wise and well thought-out dream of a Spanish explorer who suffered tropical madness in a Florida swamp. It's hard to imagine a better role model.

According to a new study from researchers at the National Institutes of Health (NIH), the commonly prescribed diabetes drug metformin has been shown to extend the lifespan of laboratory mice when given at a certain dosage.

Of course, you're not a mouse. You don't do tasks for rewards, or get evaluated by unseen and probably malevolent keepers. You're not confined to certain designated areas or told what to do with your time.

You know what, let's just ignore the shocking similarities between the average human life and the fate of a lab animal and focus on the age defying wonders of chemistry!

The mice given the smaller dose had an average 5.8 percent increase in their lifespan compared to a control group. The mice that were given the higher dosage experienced a 14 percent decrease in lifespan, mostly due to kidney failure. The low-dosage mice did not experience renal problems.

Yeah, you might get renal problems. I guess the ridiculously optimistic headline should have mentioned that. Still, think of the extra life! The only alternative is regular exercise and a sensible diet, but forget that. Let's take diabetes drugs instead.

The researchers initially decided to investigate metformin because previous studies have shown that it can diminish a variety of age-related conditions.

I prefer to imagine one researcher that plays by his own rules but gets the job done busting into the office of the Stupid Chief, I mean research head or whatever, and being all "It's time we get on this metformin!"

“Given that metformin is clinically proven to alleviate symptoms of these conditions, and reduce risk of cancer, we thought perhaps it was a good candidate to study for its broader effects on health and lifespan.”

 "...then my kidneys literally exploded."

Researchers noted that the drug had effects similar to a low-calorie diet intervention seen to extend life in previous animal studies.

Let's have no more of this crazy "low calorie diet" talk.

Despite the study’s encouraging results, the scientists emphasized that healthy people should not start a metformin regimen since more research needs to be conducted.

If you're not healthy, do whatever you want, I guess. It's hard to think of a condition that couldn't be worsened by a total breakdown in one of your body's major systems.

“It’s clear that we are edging toward developing a pharmaceutical intervention that is going to be able to delay or postpone aging,” he said. “For how much and how long I have no idea.”

"It's very clear we're getting closer to causing some thing to happen or maybe not happen that will have some sort of effect."

“In terms of history, we’re still at the very early stages of understanding how to slow aging in a safe way,” said co-author David Sinclair, a genetics professor at Harvard Medical School.

If you're content with a dangerous way, we've got that all set to go.

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Komment Korner 

Another try from pharmaceutical companies to make profit by marketing their poisonous drug by using vague research and media. Metforman is made of a herb, if it is so beneficial why not let human eat it as a salad or raw, instead of tablets. The same tablets failed to cure diabetes. Why most diseases are incurable these days....just life long treatment..means continuous profit for pharmaceutical. This is the system of Dijall (Free-mason) anti-Christ. I think at the present time bank(interest) , politicans, war (amunition maker) and pharama are the 4 major pillars of anti-christ (dijall)

A few curious things here are , metformin lowers iron levels , iron restriction mimics 'the effects of csaloric restriction,' and iron deprivation is being used in diabetes and nafld , the same diseases metformin is used? Could it be , as is hypothesised , increased iron leads to diabetes and metformin works by removing the elevated iron? "findings strongly suggest that the age-related accumulation in muscle iron contributes to increased oxidative stress and sarcopenia, and that caloric restriction effectively attenuates these negative effects.”


Aaron Zehner is not part of the system of Dijall (Free-mason). His first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. Makes a great gift and is guaranteed not to destroy your kidneys.