News You Can't Use: Robots Could Soon Read Your Mind

It's very important that we somehow gain access to those sweet cranial electrical storms for the purpose of selling you products and not otherwise specified evil. In the past it wasn't easy and we had to rely on sharpened rocks and the like to get at the old head mush. The end result was barely worth the effort. Fortunately you and I are living in the best moment in all of human history (tomorrow will be even better!) and the technology for stamping out day dreaming, gaining easier thought crime convictions and selling, selling, selling based on frontal lobe invasion is near at hand.  And it's going to be robots! The future! I can barely believe it, honest.

Robots could soon be able to read your mind - and we won't be able to stop them because there are no laws against it, experts claim.

If only there were laws, that would stop it. Just like how they wiped out marijuana abuse and jaywalking. Please, elected officials, pass more laws and save us from the mind-reader bots. If you don't we'll be stuck with having to try to constantly think "Down with Big Robot!" as a pathetic and impotent final act of defiance.

If expert predictions come true, by 2030 smartphones, tablets and computers will be able to examine our brain activity to see what we are thinking.

Nice to see the "Flying car by 1965!" brigade hasn't lost any of their optimism for a high tech nightmare world.

Initially this will be used for security as a kind of 'pass thought' - the user thinks of a specific song or thought which the device recognises and then unlocks itself.

Hold on, let me concentrate on this highly detailed sexual/violence fantasy that unlocks my device so I can play some Angry Birds go to Brazil.

But a panel at the World Economic Forum, in Davos, warned of the terrifying possibility of hackers reading people's innermost thoughts.

Have you even considered the horrors this will unleash? Horrors like poorly written and completely unengaging "dystopia" novels about this possibility. Can we still love and chase nihilistic individuality in a world with hackers reading our thoughts? Find out next year in the artistically important new release "Summer of 1987."

"It turns out every person thinks quite differently about the same thing.

Your pathetic human minds full of stupidity and worthless non-collectivism. Prepare to be absorbed.

"So you could think like a song or a little ditty in your head while you are wearing a consumer based EEG device and then that, which has a unique neural signature, can be used as your pass code.

I guess you could just type in a word or whatever, but come on, future! Put these electrodes on, dawg.

"It turns out that's an incredibly effective, incredibly safe and almost impossible to replicate pass code, so there is discussion about using pass thoughts."

No one else could ever correctly visual the music video for "Last Christmas." No way.

She added: "Then you've got to really think about privacy."

Thinking about my love of privacy is my new pass thought.

But she warned once out there, "not good Samaritans" could access the data. 

I am aware of reality, at least in a highly abstract fashion.

One of these in every house.

"The idea that law is going to help us is not likely." 

There's some refreshing cynicism.

"There are no legal protections from having your mind involuntarily read," she added.

I'm pretty sure the Witchcraft and Devilry Act of 1691 covers at least some of that territory, actually.

Robot teaching assistants were also predicted at during the panel discussion.

Just when you thought that Geology 103: Rocks for Jocks lab session couldn't be any more half-assed.

"So I am imagining a world where we all have a bunch of cognitive assistants helping us."

We used to call them "family and friends" but let's get with the times.

Full Story. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

DotTeeVee: Dating Advice for Men

Do you suffer from social retardation, questionable personal care and a firm belief that the world needs to change and you're fine? Do you expect attractive women to join you on your free-fall into the abyss but can't seem to find any takers? Don't worry, I can help. There's a fifty nine second video that basically says "click here to solve all your problems" while using the female form to insure compliance. Yes, it's time to learn those "weird tricks" we're always being promised and miracle your way out of the self-abuse ditch you're currently digging.

We meet our unnamed host, who resembles an adult novelty doll that has somehow been given the spark of life via some divine hand. She's applied the make-up with a paint brush, is showing considerable torso and is full of disingenuous enthusiasm. I guess the idea was this would attract horny losers to the video, but I can't say it really worked since it has less than 6,000 views, which is about 994,000 less than your typical "semi-attractive girl pretends to share your pathetic, geeky interests" video.

Kelly Bundy Audition Tape #544

Apparently what's being offered is some sort of mental magic that will make "women subconsciously approach you." Sigmund Freud Game for the win! Yes, this is basically a modern update of those "how to get women with hypnosis" books from the back of comic books. On the other hand there's partially exposed breasts, so let's keep watching.

The poor person's Christina Applegate urges us to "click a link" for the "ultimate equalizer." The nice part of this video is all the claims are very realistic. This amazing secret weapon, whatever it is, can defeat mating rivals that are "taller, wealthier, better looking or more confident." I'm envisioning tips on marking territory, making myself appear bigger, performing ceremonial mounting rituals on wealthier men and the like, but our nameless narrator assures us that "Be the alpha male is b.s." 

To summarize: returning to a state of nature and literally becoming an animal is nonsense, while somehow sending mind waves into the wrinkled gray of the honies is sensible, good advice.

My red "power scarf" defeated a 6'11" confident millionaire.

Is it pick up lines? Before you start going on about the mirror in your pocket, the answer is "no." Instead we're going to "reframe" your interactions with fair maidens. Think of yourself as an off-center picture. We're going to fix that.

In other words, we're going to put your "game" into "overdrive." For a moment I thought to myself "Wow, overdrive! I bet all the cool guys are doing this!" then she ruined it all by pointing out that even guys who have never felt the touch of a woman, ever, will reap huge rewards. We get a final appeal to use the awesome power of sub-conscious horny level manipulation for good and not evil and we're done.

"I mascaraed my eyes shut, please help me."

Komment Korner  

I told my friends about this channel. 

one of the best movies ive ever seen 

so happy i saw this video 

Wonder how to attract women from work

It would be great if you can provide a little advice.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.