News You Can't Use: Microsoft's New Chatbot Wants to Hang Out With Millennials on Twitter

We've already destroyed Generation Nothing's ability to communicate effectively in the "meat space" but perhaps the miracle of technology can render them equally inept at exchanging social cues on the information highway. Such is the hope behind Evil Corp's exciting new interactive "bot" that is guaranteed to deliver untold hours of high quality entertainment via the cultural black hole that is Twitter. This could allow new breakthroughs in delivering obnoxious advertisements for useless junk, America's only growth industry.

Microsoft has created a new artificial intelligence chat bot that it claims will become smarter the more you talk to it.

Ironically the opposite will happen to you. This is what we call the conservation of wit and charm.

The bot, 'Tay', has been dubbed by its Microsoft and Bing creators as "AI fam from the internet that's got zero chill!" 

Tay is totally radical and in your face! Get ready to go to the extreme! 23 skidoo! Clearly we can trust this corporate monolith, what with their adroit appropriation of the far-out and totally swell slang words we're all using.

The real-world aim of the bot is to allow researchers to "experiment" with conversational understanding, and learn how people really talk to each other.

Six months from now they'll honestly believe things like "I can't control my horny level" and "You want this old guy doing you in your house?" are typical lines from normal human interaction.

Naturally, for a bot that's available through Twitter and messaging platforms Kik and GroupMe, the AI is already filling the role of a millennial; emojis are included in its vocabulary, and it's explicitly aimed at 18-24-year-olds in the US, Microsoft says.

Bleep bloop, I'm young person like you. Bernie Sanders! I sure can't wait to zero chill with you crazy gangstas in [string missing].

The bot appears to have little practical function for users, but is capable of three different methods of communication: its website tay.ai boasts the AI can talk via text, play games (such as guessing the meaning of a string of emojis) and comment on photos sent to it.

Processing photo...please wait...awesome size. Look thick. Solid. Tight. Please download more progress pics and vids to my hard drive. Let me see what you got, biological singularity. Thank you for the motivation.

The bot frequently asks tweeters to take part in a private conversations in direct messages.

 Please tell me all about your new novel, cam whore service or demo tape, Mr. Roboto.

Beside the meme-tastic appeal of the bot, there is a serious side to the research behind the AI. Making machines able to communicate in a natural and human way is a key challenge for learning algorithms.

Interacting with socially retarded basement dwellers on a goofy egg site is clearly the best way to go about this.

More lessons for the learning computer.

In a similar vein, Google has recently updated its Inbox mail service to suggest answers to emails.  

I'm sure one or two simple templates could handle the vast majority of my electronic mailings.

Also in the field of virtual assistants and chat bots, Facebook's M is experimenting with using artificial intelligence to complete tasks.

If that thing is behind the "be like stick figure" craze I already hate it.

At the core of the service is an attempt  to understand how humans speak and the best ways to respond to them -- while beating them at board games, presumably.

You lose at Candy Land again, human. I'm out of here with zero chills gave, word up to the mother.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Sanders Supporters Banned from Tinder After Campaigning on Dating App

You know you live in the best of all possible worlds when meaningless and soul-destroying physical encounters with random warm bodies can be easily accessed by flicking a screen with a finger or two. There are, however, snakes in this garden. The quest for some of that sweet "let's just get this over with" and "please don't look directly at me, it's easier if I can pretend you're an object" is being derailed by Crazy Bernie supporters. Instead of launching the meat rocket and causing lasting damage to your ability to bond with others and form lasting relationships you just might get requests for your  vacuum pennies from communists.

Stumping for Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders on Tinder is getting some women banned from the online dating app after sending campaign messages to prospective matches.

Now if they could just get going on banning the fat ones, too. Am I right, bro? Oh yeah, you know it, woo woo.

Two women - one from Iowa and the other from New Jersey - confirmed to Reuters on Friday that they received notices from Tinder in the previous 24 hours that their accounts were locked because they had been reported too many times for peppering men on the site with messages promoting Sanders' candidacy.

The type of "Bern" you generally get from Tinder is the one that comes when you're trying to urinate the morning after, not this. But please, tell me all about the senile half-dead marxist, baby. It's getting me all worked up. He wants to tax and spend? I'm about to blow my top.

Robyn Gedrich, 23, said she sent messages to 60 people a day for the past two weeks trying to convince them to support the U.S. senator from Vermont in his race for the Democratic nomination against former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.

In today's spiritually leprous America I suppose it is possible she was interested in all 840 mindless and faceless romance vectors, but it seems more reasonable to assume that something more sinister was at work here. This is not the solution for uncontrolled horny levels. This is not change we can believe in.

"Do you feel the bern?" her message to other Tinder users read, parroting a Sanders campaign slogan. "Please text WORK to 82623 for me. Thanks."

If you were starting to get optimistic about Generation Nothing this should end that.

Haley Lent, 22, a photographer from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, told Reuters in a Twitter message that she also got locked out of the app on Thursday night after sending messages trying to convince people to vote for Sanders the previous night.

I misused a one night stand service to promote Red Grandpa Simpson and they banned me. This is an outrage.

"I would ask them if they were going to vote in their upcoming primaries," she said. "If they said no or were on the fence, I would try to talk to them and persuade them to vote."

"What are you wearing? Could I take it off?"

"Are you going to vote in the New Hampshire primary?"

"I want to blank your brains out, I can't help it."

"Here's how you get registered..."

Tinder trolls and your frustrated lust, a metaphor.

A spokeswoman for Tinder, which is part of Match Group Inc, owned by IAC/InterActiveCorp IAC.O, did not respond immediately to a request for comment. 

What do they have to hide??? What are your crimes, nameless spokeswoman???

The two women are the not only ones making unusual use of Tinder, better known as a "hook-up" app, as a campaign tool. A Facebook (FB.O) group "Bernie Sanders Dank Tinder Convos" has 782 members.

American democracy is a serious business.

Gedrich said she got mixed responses from the 300 Tinder users who replied. "Some people would ask what is this for, and I would kind of explain," she said. "Some of them would unmatch me or report me as a bot." A bot (or robot) account is a scam profile used to send spam messages.

Woman posts obviously worthless spam, 300 replies. Man creates thoughtful and clever profile, tumbleweeds roll through.

Some responses simply read, "Trump2016," expressing support for Republican candidate Donald Trump, the real estate tycoon. "It was really alarming to see that a lot of people don't know what's going on in the world," she said.

Me, I support a failed ideology from the last century and believe everything my professors say, so I've earned the right to look down on real estate tycoon supporters.

None of her matches resulted in an actual date, she said.

About the success rate you'd expect from communism.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Naked Connecticut Man, 81, Arrested For Illegally Communing With Nature

You're into shrubs, right? Of course you are, every healthy person is. Well, it turns out some unhealthy people are too, believe it or not. Today's story has a little bit of everything (and a whole lot of nothing, but what did you expect?). Randy senior citizens, chances to make "Bush" jokes that even I won't be dignifying and various cheeky references to the adult act that we as a society apparently can't get enough of.

A Connecticut octogenarian is facing criminal charges after he was spotted, sans clothing, “humping” a bush outside his home, police report.

Bobby Brown, take it away...

When you trust an old man
and you know you're in their garden
You ain't got no trustin' about you
And you claim that you
Don't care that we met at an erotic fertilizer convention
You've given me reason to doubt you
Say you trust someone
Why you peering over my backyard fence
Thinking I've got plants on the side
You don't trust no one
You have to see eighty-year-old nudity if you play that way

Get up off my crops
Make this agony stop
Ain't nobody humpin' a bush

Wallace Berg, 81, was arrested Monday on public indecency and breach of peace charges in connection with the incident last month at his Stratford residence.  

That moppery case will have to wait, we've got to punish an old man that got busy with shrubbery.

According to cops, a neighbor called 911 to report that Berg was walking around his backyard in the nude and had communed with a bush.

Yeah, call the emergency line for this one. Heart attacks, crimes in progress, naked oldsters with uncontrolled botanical horny levels, it's all the same.

The neighbor, who filmed Berg’s antics and later showed the video to police, told cops that he confronted the pensioner.

I hope I never reach a point in life where "filming" (that's not how modern cameras work, mainstream media) literal beating around the bush becomes necessary.

In response, Berg “stopped the indecent behavior, covered himself with a grill cover, apologized to him and then went into the house,” police reported.

Grill covers, is there anything they can't do? Helping with the cooking process, covering your withered elderly genitalia, etc.

Berg, a retired embalmer, is free on $10,000 bond and is scheduled for an August 5 Superior Court hearing.

Someone from Death Inc. that isn't psychologically well-adjusted? Hard to believe.

As seen above, while the backyard of Berg’s modest ranch home is ringed by bushes, the plantings did not keep him out of view of onlookers, police noted. 

Yes, they thought we needed to see some satellite images. For this story. Yeah.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

LESSON....NEVER apologize....

It's Bush's fault!

You ever heard of tree huggers?

Leave him alone and tell the cops to F off.

Personally, I 'identify' as a 15 year-old Girl Scout


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Fake Links to Nude Celebrities Breaks New Zealand Internet

The New Zealand Internet is a beautiful but delicate wonder, capable of opening up in ways you could never imagine when presented with a gentle non-perverted touch but also easily dashed to pieces in the pursuit of images depicting secondary and primary sexual characteristics of the dime pieces that populate the top quality entertainment of this interesting time we live in. In the mad rush to see some actress covered in seminal fluids we lost our way and destroyed the New Zealand Internet. I'm sure you've heard stories exactly like this many, many times.

Users keen to see naked pictures of celebrities like Jenifer Lawrence, Avril Lavigne and Rihanna, who recently had illicit images hacked from cloud storage, instead download malware that causes havoc in New Zealand's telecommunications network.

A day of infamy, a cowardly attack on our defenseless horny levels by the evil-doers. The innocent desire to see Skater Grrrl's "Charlies" leads to national disaster. Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?

New Zealanders keen to view hacked photos of naked celebrities are being blamed for a nationwide Internet meltdown involving the country's main provider.

You self-abusing maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you!!!

It is believed a handful of computer users clicked links on Friday evening believing they would take them to the illicit images, but instead they inadvertently installed malware triggering a crippling Internet attack.

A handful of something that's for sure, haw haw. While the vast majority of Perth residents were going on line to read FAQs on basement repair or do their report on the Solar System a tiny, wildly unrepresentative minority that wanted to see bare breasts ruined things worse than the Road Map for Peace.

It took telecommunications giant Spark, the rebranded Telecom Corp., until Sunday to fully repair what it termed a "dynamic" cyber-attack that overloaded its system covering more than 600,000 customers.

Send in the special "One-handed Typists Wrecked It, Again" squad to clean up the mess. The metaphorical mess, I mean. Not the literal one.

Spark tweeted it was aware that when people clicked on some links they inadvertently installed malware "generating a high amount of traffic to overseas sites."

It's New Zealand. What wouldn't be overseas?

Computer security specialists Trend Micro issued an alert shortly before the attack began warning not to open the links related to the nude celebrities.

"Please rely on the Sears Catalog for your onanism needs until this horrible crisis is over."

"For obvious reasons, clicking on links to 'naked celebrity' photos, or opening email attachments would be a very bad idea right now, expect criminals to ride this bandwagon immediately," it said.

Now that we've been warned, everything should be fine. If you'll excuse me, I just found out I'm a Sudanese Prince and I have to send a $2500 release fee through Western Union so I can get the 93 million I'm entitled to.

"Our scanning brought to our attention some freshly-concocted schemes targeting those looking for the photos borne from the aforementioned leak."

"While doing a routine read-through of all of your e-mails we noticed some schemes." 

You clicked on nakedcelebrity.exe. Game Over.

"The first threat we found hails from Twitter, in the form of a tweet being posted with hashtags that contain the name of one of the leak's victims – Jennifer Lawrence."

"Hailing from Twitter...weighing in at 138 characters...The Hobart Voyeur!!!"

Trend Micro said users who clicked the link offering to show a video of the actress were directed to download a "video converter" that was actually malicious software.

Video converter? How can I lose? *clicks link* *computer explodes*

New Zealand authorities said they did not know who was behind the attack, which was launched from outside the country, and the malware was generating denial-of-service attacks towards Europe.

It remains to be seen if we'll finally see New Zealand declare war on all of Europe, but it seems pretty likely.

Full Story.


Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

DotTeeVee: Dating Advice for Men

Do you suffer from social retardation, questionable personal care and a firm belief that the world needs to change and you're fine? Do you expect attractive women to join you on your free-fall into the abyss but can't seem to find any takers? Don't worry, I can help. There's a fifty nine second video that basically says "click here to solve all your problems" while using the female form to insure compliance. Yes, it's time to learn those "weird tricks" we're always being promised and miracle your way out of the self-abuse ditch you're currently digging.

We meet our unnamed host, who resembles an adult novelty doll that has somehow been given the spark of life via some divine hand. She's applied the make-up with a paint brush, is showing considerable torso and is full of disingenuous enthusiasm. I guess the idea was this would attract horny losers to the video, but I can't say it really worked since it has less than 6,000 views, which is about 994,000 less than your typical "semi-attractive girl pretends to share your pathetic, geeky interests" video.

Kelly Bundy Audition Tape #544

Apparently what's being offered is some sort of mental magic that will make "women subconsciously approach you." Sigmund Freud Game for the win! Yes, this is basically a modern update of those "how to get women with hypnosis" books from the back of comic books. On the other hand there's partially exposed breasts, so let's keep watching.

The poor person's Christina Applegate urges us to "click a link" for the "ultimate equalizer." The nice part of this video is all the claims are very realistic. This amazing secret weapon, whatever it is, can defeat mating rivals that are "taller, wealthier, better looking or more confident." I'm envisioning tips on marking territory, making myself appear bigger, performing ceremonial mounting rituals on wealthier men and the like, but our nameless narrator assures us that "Be the alpha male is b.s." 

To summarize: returning to a state of nature and literally becoming an animal is nonsense, while somehow sending mind waves into the wrinkled gray of the honies is sensible, good advice.

My red "power scarf" defeated a 6'11" confident millionaire.

Is it pick up lines? Before you start going on about the mirror in your pocket, the answer is "no." Instead we're going to "reframe" your interactions with fair maidens. Think of yourself as an off-center picture. We're going to fix that.

In other words, we're going to put your "game" into "overdrive." For a moment I thought to myself "Wow, overdrive! I bet all the cool guys are doing this!" then she ruined it all by pointing out that even guys who have never felt the touch of a woman, ever, will reap huge rewards. We get a final appeal to use the awesome power of sub-conscious horny level manipulation for good and not evil and we're done.

"I mascaraed my eyes shut, please help me."

Komment Korner  

I told my friends about this channel. 

one of the best movies ive ever seen 

so happy i saw this video 

Wonder how to attract women from work

It would be great if you can provide a little advice.

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.