News You Can't Use: Naked Connecticut Man, 81, Arrested For Illegally Communing With Nature

You're into shrubs, right? Of course you are, every healthy person is. Well, it turns out some unhealthy people are too, believe it or not. Today's story has a little bit of everything (and a whole lot of nothing, but what did you expect?). Randy senior citizens, chances to make "Bush" jokes that even I won't be dignifying and various cheeky references to the adult act that we as a society apparently can't get enough of.

A Connecticut octogenarian is facing criminal charges after he was spotted, sans clothing, “humping” a bush outside his home, police report.

Bobby Brown, take it away...

When you trust an old man
and you know you're in their garden
You ain't got no trustin' about you
And you claim that you
Don't care that we met at an erotic fertilizer convention
You've given me reason to doubt you
Say you trust someone
Why you peering over my backyard fence
Thinking I've got plants on the side
You don't trust no one
You have to see eighty-year-old nudity if you play that way

Get up off my crops
Make this agony stop
Ain't nobody humpin' a bush

Wallace Berg, 81, was arrested Monday on public indecency and breach of peace charges in connection with the incident last month at his Stratford residence.  

That moppery case will have to wait, we've got to punish an old man that got busy with shrubbery.

According to cops, a neighbor called 911 to report that Berg was walking around his backyard in the nude and had communed with a bush.

Yeah, call the emergency line for this one. Heart attacks, crimes in progress, naked oldsters with uncontrolled botanical horny levels, it's all the same.

The neighbor, who filmed Berg’s antics and later showed the video to police, told cops that he confronted the pensioner.

I hope I never reach a point in life where "filming" (that's not how modern cameras work, mainstream media) literal beating around the bush becomes necessary.

In response, Berg “stopped the indecent behavior, covered himself with a grill cover, apologized to him and then went into the house,” police reported.

Grill covers, is there anything they can't do? Helping with the cooking process, covering your withered elderly genitalia, etc.

Berg, a retired embalmer, is free on $10,000 bond and is scheduled for an August 5 Superior Court hearing.

Someone from Death Inc. that isn't psychologically well-adjusted? Hard to believe.

As seen above, while the backyard of Berg’s modest ranch home is ringed by bushes, the plantings did not keep him out of view of onlookers, police noted. 

Yes, they thought we needed to see some satellite images. For this story. Yeah.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

LESSON....NEVER apologize....

It's Bush's fault!

You ever heard of tree huggers?

Leave him alone and tell the cops to F off.

Personally, I 'identify' as a 15 year-old Girl Scout


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Man Who Called 911 Sought Help Fixing His Air Conditioner

Man, it sure is hot. If we were working together I might say that and then we could have an awkward conversation about the topic of heat to help cover up our mutual loathing and crushing inner despair. Luckily, we're on the tubes, so there's no need for such social glue, allowing the subject of "Dang, it's so warm" to get the proper clinical analysis it so richly deserves. Specifically, what happens when the good old A.C. severs the silver cord, leaving you at the mercy of the wicked old Sun. It's obviously time to call for help, the primary means of "solving" any problem in today's America.

State police say a western Pennsylvania man with a penchant for making unnecessary emergency calls recently complained of chest pains so he could ask medics to help him fix his air conditioner.

Well, it's certainly consistent with the small amount we've been told about this amazing wise, wise man. Performing first aid for a dying man and fixing a broken blow box is pretty much the same skill set, isn't it?

Twenty-six-year-old Travis Turner, of Indiana, Pa., was charged Wednesday with obstructing emergency services and disorderly conduct.

If convicted he could face up to ten minutes near a jail.

Troopers say Turner has called Indiana County 911 dispatchers or the state police 63 times in the last three years for minor or harassing complaints.

We have a saying in Texas and I bet you have it in Tennessee, er, Pennsylvania as well. Fool me 62 times...shame on...you. Fool me 63...

Won't get fooled again!

In December, they charged him. The complaint later was withdrawn and Turner was warned to stop making such calls.

A stern talking to should be sufficient punishment for breaking the law several dozen times.

But police say Turner called 911 again Sunday afternoon. They say that when an ambulance arrived, Turner said he didn’t have any medical issues but needed help with his air conditioner.

Maybe "Just don't do it again, you little fully mature ragamuffin!" is not the powerful deterrent you'd expect it to be. 

Turner’s listed phone was disconnected Wednesday.

I guess Donald Trump gave out his number, too.

Don't visit the ad-riddled source: http://philadelphia.cbslocal.com/2015/07/22/cops-pa-man-who-called-911-sought-help-fixing-his-air-conditioner/

Komment Korner

throw his sorry behind into a nice HOT jail cell

How much do you want to bet he votes democrat.

Obviously this is somehow a result of, oh, I don't know.....LACK OF FUNDING!

Better check to see if he has weapons


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.