News You Can't Use: Dunkin' Donuts Employee Allegedly Sprayed Donuts With Bleach Before Giving Them to Teens

You can chart the decline and eventual collapse of doughnut humor by figuring out what year offered the first season of Zombie Simpsons and then drawing a downward line at a 45 degree angle, with said line reaching zero or perhaps negative numbers in our present year. If you're hoping that today's post will spark a renaissance in bakery guffaws I'm not gonna throw no shade on ya but keep in mind most of this blog's viewers are Russian web-bots and the story I have to work with contains almost every evil the modern world has to offer. All right, just a few specific evils like entitlement and trying to poison your fellow meat-bags, but that's enough, right?

An employee at a Dunkin' Donuts in Virginia allegedly sprayed day-old donuts with a cleaning solution that contained bleach before giving them away to a group of teenagers who later ate them, Virginia police said.

The banality of evil doesn't get much more banal than this. We may have reached peak trite malevolence.

The teenagers had previously received the store's leftover donuts for free, and they had returned to the Dunkin' Donuts in the 2900 block of Chain Bridge Road for more on July 25, Fairfax County police said.

"Don't worry, these entitlements are just a safety net to get you back into the work force," someone said, once.

Someone at the store denied their request multiple times but eventually relented and told the teens to come back later in the day, police said.

This is the kind of behavior that would make Gandhi try to kill you with cleaning products, let alone some put-upon minimum wage slave.

Before the group came back, that employee allegedly sprayed the donuts with "a cleaning solution that contained bleach" and then handed them off to the teenagers, police said.

Y'all bout to get "trolled" by rolled bread.

The teens ate "anywhere from one bite to a whole donut," police said, before they realized something may be wrong with the food and called police.

"I can't believe I ate the whole thing" is finally a relevant reaction.

No one was injured, and a criminal investigation is ongoing.

Everything's fine, better put someone in a cage or whatever.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

You would probably be in more danger by eating one licked by Ariana Grande.

You should be the first to be 'exterminated' when the donut peddlers decide your poverty is punishable by death. 

The attack on morality continues!

I don't eat donuts

He thought it was "doughnut freshener". Give the guy a break.




Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

DotTeeVee: 13 year old boy arrested for smiling

DotTeeVee is finally back and suffice it to say I picked a great video to return with that certainly wasn't the first mildly amusing under three minutes drivel I stumbled on. No, this is very, very special. It's all about the plague of Face Crime threatening whatever the hell it is that our country is supposed to represent. It's time to get that smile off your face for the greater good. Throw in some police state and the always amusing middle age beer bellies and you have to know this is going to be the most fun you can have while imprisoned in your cell of flesh and bone.

We start off with some youths skateboarding and I'm relieved to see that this activity hasn't changed at all since the fadish popularity it enjoyed when I was the correct age to be arrested for facial expressions. You know the drill: wheel around, attempt some basic stunt and fail miserably, pick up your board and hold it poseur style, repeat until you remember that video games and "R Rated" downloads are waiting back inside your house.

 I rolled around for six seconds without falling...a new record!

Our anti-heroes have constructed a crude "ramp" using a plastic garbage bin and a piece of wood. They're using this construction to preform hot tricks like skating up it...and then sliding back down. I mean, holy dog stuff, I thought I was watching the X Games there for a moment. All is not well in this pocket paradise however, as an adult with an aggressive case of male pregnancy is walking over to squash the righteous good times with the totally major bummer rule of law.

Our full-figured villain wants to know who owns the garbage can propping up the primitive one-eighth pipe, and one teen bravely speaks truth to power by claiming "It was there when we got here!" Sorry son, this isn't an evolution debate where "billions of years, mutations and environmental forces" can be played like an instant-win card. Clearly there are signs of intelligent, or let's be honest semi-intelligent, design. 

"It was formed by the forces of erosion and plate tectonics, honest!"

Suffice it to say the enemy of clean good times is not mollified by this answer, or even the flippant "It was!" that follows. Sure kids, just double down on your lies. We get a threat to call the sheriff and then there's a collision as one of the Precious Natural Resources tries to skate up the board while the evil elder is removing it. For a moment it looks like things are about to get ugly.

   A leaked image from the upcoming "Home Improvement" remake.

We get more common core debating as there's an argument over whether or not Grim Chronos hit one of the beings of pure light and innocence. Father Time insists that law enforcement wouldn't believe their story, even though this entire incident is being recorded, just like everything that now happens thanks to camera phones and beloved Big Brother. Instead of pointing this out the future doctors and lawyers fall back on "Seven on one!" "Seven punk kids!" is the witty rejoinder.

Now riled up by this baby first's rights and responsibilities lecture the embodiment of uncoolness makes the threatened call to the authorities while telling one of the skater's to "Stay here!" He points right at him, but the mind that one day might cure cancer or come up with a workable flat tax still doesn't understand. "Me?"

Yeah, you.

The message finally sinks in and he tries to run off, but apparently fails. Somehow. There's missing footage, footage that I'm sure paints the innocent cherubs and their skate boarding fun in an extremely positive light.

 "Please don't call the cops, boxing reptiles."

When we rejoin this little morality play the lost sheep of generation nothing have been rounded up and are receiving a civics lesson from The Man. Apparently there's a thing called "Private Property" that carries with it certain rights, such as the right not to have to host a special education version of Tony Hawk's pro skater. The impromptu class is all "We didn't do nothing!" which naturally sets off the fuzz even worse. The upshot is they'll have to go. Man, it's like that thing we learned about in our public school history class where the French were put into gas chambers by Russians or whatever. 

In a last bit of pathetic resistance the kids claim they were going to leave on their own. And yet, here you are. There is a logical problem with this.

Now it's time for the tyranny I promised. Channeling Dirty Harry the 30% BMI representative of the law asks "What's your problem punk!" and, of course, wants to see identification. Suffice it to say the Skate Board Kid is lacking ihnen papieren. Things quickly degenerate as the System Criminal delivers massive police brutality, up to and including touching an arm and promising to "take you home." 

When they came for the poseurs I said nothing, because I wasn't a poseur.

We get plenty of passive-aggressive whining from the victim of Orwellian-style oppression. He repeats the claim that he was going to leave and then practically begs to be let go. Is it wrong that I'm starting to hope we'll get into a massive conventional war that will last about ten years and feature the return of the draft? 

The cuffs come out and with that a nice pitiful "Ow, This hurts really bad" is produced followed by more begging. The whining continues, but Officer Evil simply responds with "Anyone else wanna join him!" Not surprisingly, there aren't any takers. Into the police car, drive off, fade to white.    

Komment Korner  

Leave the country please, no one is forcing you to stay

You`re happy I`m not because if I were Russian, you would have been hurt

Ow my arm what a little bitch pussy drop this kids ass in gaza and lets see how he likes it

Me and my friend got arrested for throwing bricks in the air. what the fuck I can't throw bricks?

imagine if it actually said, "Disrespectful 13 year old boy taken home for trespassing" and it explained how the cop put him in cuffs to teach him a lesson

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7XmfviKr5HE

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Choose Your Own Adventure #20: Escape

It's time for more Choose Your Own Adventure goodness and where better to rejoin the series than with a book that one critic raved about with lines like "this is another average book" and "it's rather uncreatively (that's not actually a word, dude) developed." Wow, if that's doesn't get you pumped for this read-through I don't know what will. Let's get ready to thrill to the mediocrity and sink deep into the "uncreatively" realized world of the future!

 World War 2 fighter planes...of the future!!!

And make no mistake, this is The Future, specifically 2045. The USA has collapsed (nice going Obama) and Balkanized, with an evil police state called Dorado and a relatively benevolent Democracy called Turtalia vying for control of the ruins. In a strange bit of reverse nepotism I've been sent on a dangerous spy mission to the Evil Empire, despite being the son of one of the "Panel of Five" that rules over the spiritual successor of America. The story starts with a prison break out and now I've got to cross hostile territory to get back home. 

He seemed so trustworthy.

Joining me are resistance leader and action girl Mimla, the tough guy Matt, and quiet, nerdy, nervous guy Haven who is obviously either going to go crazy and/or betray us at some point. We're waiting for a "motor-glider" to come get us, but it's late by several hours. We decide to wait and Haven is getting more and more twitchy by the moment. Could you at least try to be subtle about your imminent psychological collapse? To really hammer the point home the author even flat-out tells us "there's something strange about him." Honestly, a giant neon arrow that says "Traitor" pointing at him would be about as subtle.

 "I got your back, don't worry."

My patience is rewarded with the arrival of the plane. Wait, plane? I thought it was a "motor-glider." This must be that future naming convention deal where everything gets a new name for no good reason because future. Let me type that out on the alphabet-rectangle and then smile as I read it on the glowing box output device. Plusgood.

Anyway, the "Windmaster" is a 2012 (Future!!!) design that apparently combines glider features with that of an airplane because technology often takes unnecessary backward steps for no good reason. At least my in-book avatar is impressed, wishing he had one of his own. Unfortunately, the pilot, "Bill," picks this exact moment to have a heart attack. I mean, what are the odds? I'm all "don't worry, I've got glider training." You know what, we've seen this exact plot device before. In fairness, this one was written much earlier, so let's not jump to any conclusions or damn this book as "uncreative" just yet.

  Come spend the night inside my sugar gliders.

Given a choice between flying and setting off across the desert in a truck it's not hard to decide, especially with my glider credentials. I manage to take off in the bizarre concept-plane and it isn't long before we're flying over some mountains. Then the next danger appears: cumulus clouds. No, not clouds! I'm told they could easily take the wings off, which even someone who never took a single class at a sugar glider school could tell you is not a good thing.

I get past the clouds. I guess when the threat is introduced and resolved in two short, consecutive paragraphs it kind of hurts the drama a little. Anyway, Matt is willing to take the controls for awhile so I can rest. Next we get a choice between "circling" and hoping the weather improves or making a run for Denver, capital of the New America. I don't think you escape anything by going in circles, just sayin'. 

Heading into bad weather we get the Choose Your Own Adventure equivalent of one of those flight simulator computer games. It's just a little less complicated: up or not. Seeing as we're in mountains, I'm going to go with "up."

The long-awaited expansion, featuring 70% more ads for Red Bull and new "fly up" mode!

My extensive knowledge of flying (down = crash = bad) saves the day from the bad weather, but we're not out of this yet. Three Doradan "patrol planes" which are the World War 2 fighters depicted on the cover are closing in! I'm all "how did they know we were here" which is a fair question considering the limited range of that sort of plane combined with the bad weather and mountain range. It's almost as if there's someone in our group helping the enemy, perhaps a twitchy nervous fellow...nah, it's probably just very bad luck.

Obviously my lame glider isn't going to outrun this 1942 technology, so I duck into the clouds (now apparently no longer dangerous) and try to lose them. Friendly radio messages! We give some codes and get a dramatic moment where we wonder if it's going to work or if friendly fire will ironically get the job done where the enemy and Mother Nature failed. We get permission to land, Haven acts creepy again for no good reason and then we successfully touch down. Victory! 

This one was fun. The plot is straightforward and there's a decent amount of tension. Sometimes less is more. You're in a hostile country, now escape. That works. The flight simulation that made up a decent amount of my run seemed reasonably realistic and the author probably knows at least a little, even if he doesn't hold an advanced sugar glider degree. Maybe finally getting another "good" ending is prejudicing me a little, but I'd say this one's worth a look. Just make sure you don't trust Haven, dude is sketchy, for real.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.