It's about time we update "Duck and Cover" for the exciting new generation that, according to what I've gleaned from Pepsi commercials, is the best ever. Naturally, we'll just have the Chinese do it and import the halfhearted results, just like those Sorny moron boxes and fun lead action dolls. The end product might not be as cheerful as the paranoid turtle, but it will offer the same worthless advice that is sure to put everyone at ease. When you see the Rocket Man flash, you better hide your ass, etc.
An official Chinese newspaper near North Korea has published a page of articles on coping with nuclear attacks, in a sign of growing anxiety over Kim Jong Un’s weapons program.
A massive explosion that leaves nothing but radioactive ash isn't normally the kind of thing you'd "cope" with, as if it's just a bad hair day or whatever. On the other hand, there's no better source of lifestyle advice than official Chinese newspapers.
The Jilin Daily -- the government newspaper of Jilin province on North Korea’s northeastern border -- published articles on page 5 explaining how nuclear weapons work and the damage they cause.
I get most of my news from the Jilin. Here's a insightful article describing how you'd be vaporized by the blast, leaving only a shadow on the ruins to mark your passing. This is Real News.
The paper used cartoons to offer advice on what residents can do about radiation exposure and provided instructions on how to respond during an attack.
Instructions like "put your head between your knees and start kissing your ass goodbye."
Another warned that air raids could mean nuclear, chemical and biological attacks, and used the 1945 atomic bombing of Hiroshima as an example.
What. I'm pretty sure there were no chemical or biological agents in that attack, but through the miracle of incorrect formatting that seems to be the message.
The cartoon images illustrated how residents should clean their bodies, boots and coats after being exposed to radiation. They suggested taking iodine tablets, if there is radiation nearby.
Real bummer about that Atomic Holocaust. If you need me, I'll be scrubbing my cool leather jacket and taking some iodine while my skin peels off.
Goofy Curious George and his little firecracker. Sad!
North Korea, which last week launched a new type of intercontinental ballistic missile, said ahead of the drills that it would consider the “highest-level hard-line countermeasure in history,” according to the state-run Korean Central News Agency.
They also explained how Beloved Leader never cried as a baby and doesn't need to use the bathroom as an adult.
Spotting a Nazi is easy (it's anyone who disagrees with me). The same can not be said, however, for their ideological brothers from another mother. As usual, an armed forces film from 1950 has all the answers. And we'll get them fast, too, because this incredible tour de force clocks in at about sixty seconds worth of "turn in your neighbors" and "nerve gas the beatniks" Conformity Era greatness. Yes, we're heading, via the miracle of the Information Superhighway, back to a time when a "safe space" meant a poorly constructed fallout shelter that might buy you a few extra days of slow agonizing death after the Reds dropped the A-Bomb.
We get some of that filmstrip logo and music while a modern (?) voice-over informs us that "propaganda is vastly more important in democratic societies." Sorry, dudemar, that's just flat-out wrong, as anyone with even the most passing acquaintance with totalitarianism would inform you. On the other hand, I'm sure you meant well (not actually sure) with your "Democracy is the real tyranny" puerile drivel and this voice won't be coming back, so I guess we shouldn't dwell on it.
From the good people that brought you "How to Set Up a Kill Zone."
The real narrator, with his confident post-war speech patterns, certainly provides a stark contrast to the poopy-talk "everything and everyone is corrupt" intellectually impotent babbling that opened this. We see a possible red, what with his smoking and untouched beer at a bar, but we are advised not to judge based on appearances. 1950 America was extremely open-minded. On the other hand, if they actually tell you "I'm a communist" you should accept that as fairly strong evidence. This is great stuff, I hope you're all writing this down. 1 = 1, everything else will follow from that.
We cut to another bad element reading something called "Daily Worker." The big story involves police battering "phone strikers" to protect our free and open society, but this pinko rag might actually side with the telephone union (is this even a thing?) rabble and as such we can judge the person reading it as a potential bad apple. Or, as the Based Narrator puts it, "He may be a communist!"
And yes, he does deliver that line like Jeff Foxworthy. His whole goofy act, stolen from a mental hygiene film. If you think that declaring there is no starvation actually eliminates it...you may be a communist! If you read 1984 and think "This sounds pretty good, actually," well, you might, just might, etc.
Also "supporting organizations" that have been labeled communist by the Department of Justice probably means you're untrustworthy, as we see a smiling young lady sitting under a "Down With Imperialists" sign. Then we cut to a far less young and attractive woman who is apparently giving an anti-democracy speech, complete with fist-shaking and stomping. Imagine a suffragette version of Hilary Clinton's "Why aren't I fifty points ahead!" disastrous attempt at imitating human beings and their so-called emotions and that's basically what this represents.
Why were the famous actors paid less than half of what the male actors earned last year?
We get a montage of all four of the Eisenhower-era villains while we tie it all together by noting that someone who does all of the Wrong we've seen is almost certainly communist, since the idea of "trolling" didn't really exist back then. Next up is a parade against "KKK Terror" and "War Bases" that we are told might contain other, more silent Reds. Yup, nothing more silent than a giant protest in the middle of your town. With that, we're done. I now feel adequately equipped to find and defeat the enemy within.
Komment Korner
Science should not be involved with politics, nor technology for that matter.
What I got from this: If somebody is a communist, he may be a communist.
I am a communist....."I may be a communist"
"If he's wearing a T-shirt that says 'Mutha' fuckin communism is da bomb' there is a good chance he might be a communist."
Guy shares his skateboard with a friend he must be a communist!!!!
COMMUNIST DETECTED ON AMERICAN SOIL, LETHAL FORCE ENGAGED.
Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
We have always been allies with EastAsia and because of this eternal friendship it makes sense to attempt to better understand our good buddies who generously loan us non-manipulated currency and take undesirable jobs off our hands. Our own culture of clowns, pink mystery burgers and epidemic obesity might in some ways clash with their benevolent good nature, so perhaps today's story will be instructive in insuring that our highly fulfilling equal partnership continues into the bright future that surely awaits.
Chinese authorities weren’t lovin’ Ronald McDonald this week, hauling away a statue of the clown that was blocking sidewalk foot traffic.
Nothing like a little goofy joking around to make a totalitarian state much more palatable to the sort of person who reads a newspaper that prints important stories like "Best Sex Ever." A few wacky modified burger slogans makes it all better. That entire student massacre, talk about bad time, bad taste. Did somebody say repressive dictatorship? We love to see you against a wall or in slave labor. There's something for everybody to love in that gulag. Have you had your two minutes hate today?
Uniformed code enforcement officers in the southern Chinese city of Guangzhou ripped the Ronald McDonald figure off its base, leaving only his big red shoes behind, as shoppers in the Huadu District of commerce hub Guangzhou looked on in amazement Sunday.
I mean, we're used to you treating human beings in the most horrible fashion possible, but a statue of a clown mascot? What is the future, Winston? Imagine wacky clown shoes stomping on a human face, forever.
The city had been warning operators of this McDonald’s that its statue was hindering pedestrian traffic, according to state organ the People’s Daily.
People disappear for having unpopular thoughts, but on the other hand pedestrian rights are aggressively defended. Maybe I was wrong in my initial judgments.
“If the McDonald’s staff admit their violation and accept the punishment, they can have their statue back.”
If you'd just win that war over yourself we could put old Bad Ronald up again.
When capitalism and communism combine and retain all their worst elements.
Pictures of Ronald McDonald’s arrest have gone viral, and opened authorities up for mockery across China.
Don't worry, it's nothing a series of summary punishments can't solve.
One user of the popular social media platform Sina Weibo wondered if Chinese authorities were acting under orders from a rival, powerful military figure named Col. Sanders.
Trampling on human rights is hilarious. If nothing else we've proven that.
You know you live in the best of all possible worlds when meaningless and soul-destroying physical encounters with random warm bodies can be easily accessed by flicking a screen with a finger or two. There are, however, snakes in this garden. The quest for some of that sweet "let's just get this over with" and "please don't look directly at me, it's easier if I can pretend you're an object" is being derailed by Crazy Bernie supporters. Instead of launching the meat rocket and causing lasting damage to your ability to bond with others and form lasting relationships you just might get requests for your vacuum pennies from communists.
Stumping for Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders on Tinder is getting some women banned from the online dating app after sending campaign messages to prospective matches.
Now if they could just get going on banning the fat ones, too. Am I right, bro? Oh yeah, you know it, woo woo.
Two women - one from Iowa and the other from New Jersey - confirmed to Reuters on Friday that they received notices from Tinder in the previous 24 hours that their accounts were locked because they had been reported too many times for peppering men on the site with messages promoting Sanders' candidacy.
The type of "Bern" you generally get from Tinder is the one that comes when you're trying to urinate the morning after, not this. But please, tell me all about the senile half-dead marxist, baby. It's getting me all worked up. He wants to tax and spend? I'm about to blow my top.
Robyn Gedrich, 23, said she sent messages to 60 people a day for the past two weeks trying to convince them to support the U.S. senator from Vermont in his race for the Democratic nomination against former Secretary of State Hillary Clinton.
In today's spiritually leprous America I suppose it is possible she was interested in all 840 mindless and faceless romance vectors, but it seems more reasonable to assume that something more sinister was at work here. This is not the solution for uncontrolled horny levels. This is not change we can believe in.
"Do you feel the bern?" her message to other Tinder users read, parroting a Sanders campaign slogan. "Please text WORK to 82623 for me. Thanks."
If you were starting to get optimistic about Generation Nothing this should end that.
Haley Lent, 22, a photographer from Cedar Rapids, Iowa, told Reuters in a Twitter message that she also got locked out of the app on Thursday night after sending messages trying to convince people to vote for Sanders the previous night.
I misused a one night stand service to promote Red Grandpa Simpson and they banned me. This is an outrage.
"I would ask them if they were going to vote in their upcoming primaries," she said. "If they said no or were on the fence, I would try to talk to them and persuade them to vote."
"What are you wearing? Could I take it off?"
"Are you going to vote in the New Hampshire primary?"
"I want to blank your brains out, I can't help it."
"Here's how you get registered..."
Tinder trolls and your frustrated lust, a metaphor.
A spokeswoman for Tinder, which is part of Match Group Inc, owned by IAC/InterActiveCorp IAC.O, did not respond immediately to a request for comment.
What do they have to hide??? What are your crimes, nameless spokeswoman???
The two women are the not only ones making unusual use of Tinder, better known as a "hook-up" app, as a campaign tool. A Facebook (FB.O) group "Bernie Sanders Dank Tinder Convos" has 782 members.
American democracy is a serious business.
Gedrich said she got mixed responses from the 300 Tinder users who replied. "Some people would ask what is this for, and I would kind of explain," she said. "Some of them would unmatch me or report me as a bot." A bot (or robot) account is a scam profile used to send spam messages.
Woman posts obviously worthless spam, 300 replies. Man creates thoughtful and clever profile, tumbleweeds roll through.
Some responses simply read, "Trump2016," expressing support for Republican candidate Donald Trump, the real estate tycoon. "It was really alarming to see that a lot of people don't know what's going on in the world," she said.
Me, I support a failed ideology from the last century and believe everything my professors say, so I've earned the right to look down on real estate tycoon supporters.
None of her matches resulted in an actual date, she said.
About the success rate you'd expect from communism.
Want to make a meaningless political statement that will have no impact whatsoever on the present transformation of America into the best country to ever exist? If you're relatively normal, you'll do the sensible thing and just post your crazy, wet-brain thoughts on the internet. Honestly, what could be more healthy than draining the venom under an assumed name on the tubes? It just feels right. Then we've got people that decide the best empty gestures are achieved with dead varmints and dead tree signage. Please do not imitate these people and seek out the tons of free publicity we give them under the guise of condemning their actions.
Police in Fairfield, Connecticut, are investigating the discovery of two dead skunks with a sign reading “Obama Stinks.”
Luckily there's no real crime, so we can waste tax dollars trying to avenge the deaths of vermin.
One skunk had string wrapped around its neck and was nailed to a telephone pole, while the other was found at the base. The sign with the anti-Obama message was attached to the pole and also had an American flag with a hammer and sickle in place of the stars.
SKUNK News, when the slightly right of center ravings of FOX news just aren't getting it. We kill stinky giant rats and spread the truth about the U.S.S.A.
A woman who noticed the dead animals called Fairfield police at 8:40 Tuesday morning.
"There's a dead skunk and crime speech, please send the police tank."
Fairfield Police Lt. James Perez said authorities aren’t sure what to make of the sign.
Yeah, it is pretty inscrutable.
The police are helpless, can YOU figure this out?
“Is it a direct threat? I’m not sure it’s even a veiled threat. We really don’t know what it is at this point,” Perez told WCBS 880’s Alex Silverman.
At this point I'm not even sure if I could spell my own name. Oh well, back to use high-powered weapons and military vehicles to "protect" the community.
“They wanted to present a message to others of their views and they wanted to do it in such a shocking way that it would get people’s attention. It clearly got their attention,” Chief Gary MacNamara told WCBS 880’s Connecticut Bureau Chief Fran Schneidau said.
A slightly more intelligent member of the force explained the situation.
However, it does seem to be clear case of animal cruelty, Silverman reported.
Arranging dead vermin to make a political point...First Amendment protected? Get on this, Supreme Court.
“In this day and age with so many people leading complex lives, it’s silly that you would have someone make such a bold statement using a defenseless animal,” Perez said.
In fairness they're more than capable of defending themselves, what with that musk and all.
Anyone with information that may be helpful is urged to contact police or animal control.
An issue for the town dog catcher or something that will require a police air strike...we're still not sure.
Don't visit the ad-riddled source. http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2015/03/10/2-dead-skunks-found-with-obama-stinks-sign-in-fairfield-conn/
Komment Korner
Now that's what I call truth in advertising!
ha, this is great.... although I could use better words than "stinks" when it comes to the serial lying fraud
Gotta love those progressive liberals.... What will they think of next?
I'm having a VERY good time at your expense!
And, you'll wet your bed again tonight
Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
When the going gets tough it's time for President Obama, noted Biblical scholar and master theologian, to crack open the "good book" and teach us all some valuable lessons.
Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
It has recently come to my attention that there's something out there called "network television." I'm still somewhat sketchy on the details, but as best as I can tell it's a non-interactive version of the internet viewed mainly by degenerate morons and Luddites. Apparently these so-called "networks" even produce cutesy little amateur hour news shows, usually full of technical gaffes, factual errors and a general air of ineptitude. I find it fascinating why anyone would treat this as a serious source of information when fair superior online alternatives are available. In any case, I have randomly selected a news clip and will now perform my due diligence.
We get a short opening informing us that something called "CBS" is responsible for the abortion we're about to witness, complete with its bizarre eye logo. "We're watching, we're powerful, we even have a Youtube video with 718 dislikes!" I'm so scared CBS, whatever the hell that stands for. We're told that they are examining something called "Occupy Sacramento" which I'm assuming is a reference to the secret war we fought with California in 2011. While this opening is delivered another, smaller television screen shows footage. A teevee in your teevee, wtf LAMEstream media?
Screens within screens, my friends.
The protestors, according to CBS 13, "lashed out" at an event that was "supposed to be peaceful." If you're expecting to see a reporter "bite the curb" or the like, forget it. The "lashing" consists of talking loudly in a not especially coherent fashion. Why we get this crazy hyperbole when the sad truth will be made manifest in just a few seconds is one of the bigger mysteries of this clip. We're already watching, you can stop with the con game.
The rather dull events to come are then described as "an unexpected confrontation" which is just bizarre considering the news team actively sought out the communist brigade. Maybe if the trust fund Che had popped out of a closet like a horrible smelling jack-in-the-box it would count as unexpected, but not the b.s. we end up getting. This is why no one watches Television any more. I think maybe a dozen people watched the Super Bowl, if that.
Is it just me or is that fist somewhat suggestive?
Anyway, the big clash between the 99% and the 1% consists of a scrawny, smiling person extending a finger toward the camera and maybe lightly brushing it. "They got in our face," declares the reporter, even though it's pretty clear from the footage that this is a feckless group of naive thrill-seekers. After the ugly "finger incident" everything settles down considerably. Taking into account that this is literally the "unwashed masses" you have to concede that the earlier bombastic language seems a little misplaced.
Nothing screams individuality like a piece of merchandise mass produced in China.
It's time to ask the Big Question: "Why are you here?" Faced with this softball from a sympathetic interviewer the representative of the People's Revolution offers up awkward silence while the man that "lashed out" earlier rambles in a manner that suggests untreated mental illness. Man, where do I sign up for this? I can't wait to freak out squares and destroy capitalism with these crazy diamonds.
Oh here's the problem! I accidentally set my brain to "off."
Maybe the event organizer will have a better answer? After all, even a mighty Soviet state requires a strong dictator to keep things in line for awhile before voluntarily surrendering his power and stepping down once the Worker's Paradise has come to full fruition. Sadly our bush league Trotsky doesn't really fare much better than the other dregs interviewed. He basically says they'll figure out why they're here...tomorrow. This is what happens when the slacker generation tries its hand at Bolshevism. "I'll get off the couch and liquidate my enemies tomorrow Mom!"
"Communism? I thought this was the line for One Direction!"
In an amazing coincidence we randomly select an attractive young lady with an unfortunate case of "Leno Chin" for the next interview. She basically has nothing of value to say (Yeah, really. I know, I was shocked, too) but in a funny bit some guys with their faces concealed jostle to be on camera in the back, despite the obvious fact that their identities are disguised, removing any point to this.
Perhaps desperate for anything resembling a cogent argument or valid point we then talk to one of the few people over 25 at the event, a sixties leftover. He proudly declares his communist affiliation and I can imagine the reporter's thought process: "I'm trying to make these troglodytes look good and what do they do? Make endless moronic statements and then swear allegiance to the U.S.S.R. Gah!" The situation isn't helped by the former red diaper baby making crazy faces.
"Stalin had a lot of good ideas!"
The young lady from earlier gets another chance to display her mind boggling ignorance and doesn't disappoint, declaring she's here for "People!" after being fed that line from someone off camera. Finally, after all this b.s. we talk to a relatively normal older gentleman who is concerned about "corporate greed" ruining our country. I wonder what this well-meaning and sane man thought about being surrounded by mask-wearing goofs, communist true-believers, and bubble-headed morons. Something tells me this was his first and last protest.
The protesters plan on staying the night (Yay, sleepover! We can eat pizza and call boys!) but the Police State has declared that this will not be allowed. "This is tyranny, man! Rule of Law is fascist." We talk with a "young mother" who plans on staying the night. Even the reporter can't maintain his stoic neutrality in the face of this idiocy and tries to talk her out of it. She blows it off with a reference to "extra blankets."
"Please tell the viewers what the hell you were thinking."
More lame "confrontation" follows. The protestors decide to turn the tables and ask the media why they're here. With this kind of cunning it's only a matter of time before capitalism, Western Democracy and the plutocracy are smashed into bite-sized pieces by these heroes of the proletarian. Honestly, I think they might be here to "do a story." I know it sounds crazy, but I just might be on to something.
"Impeach Bush!"
An effort to call a "time out" fails and we wrap up with some night shots and the reporter struggling to produce the correct date. Still caught up in sports metaphors we run down the "game plan" for the 99% and the police. Suffice it to say, they're at cross-purposes. We admit that maybe one valid point was raised by that one guy who probably left shortly afterward, never to return. "Will this grow and gain mass nation-wide popularity?" becomes the question. Major spoiler: No.
Komment Korner
Ahhh, a strawman from a retarded piece of shit.
are you effing kidding me? These monkeys are the future of our country?!?!?!?
The dude in the black hoody just wanted to hold a sign and yell lmao
DAHHHHHAHHHH.
atleast shes hot, i would fuck her
Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.comand Barnes & Noble.
