News You Can't Use: Naked Connecticut Man, 81, Arrested For Illegally Communing With Nature

You're into shrubs, right? Of course you are, every healthy person is. Well, it turns out some unhealthy people are too, believe it or not. Today's story has a little bit of everything (and a whole lot of nothing, but what did you expect?). Randy senior citizens, chances to make "Bush" jokes that even I won't be dignifying and various cheeky references to the adult act that we as a society apparently can't get enough of.

A Connecticut octogenarian is facing criminal charges after he was spotted, sans clothing, “humping” a bush outside his home, police report.

Bobby Brown, take it away...

When you trust an old man
and you know you're in their garden
You ain't got no trustin' about you
And you claim that you
Don't care that we met at an erotic fertilizer convention
You've given me reason to doubt you
Say you trust someone
Why you peering over my backyard fence
Thinking I've got plants on the side
You don't trust no one
You have to see eighty-year-old nudity if you play that way

Get up off my crops
Make this agony stop
Ain't nobody humpin' a bush

Wallace Berg, 81, was arrested Monday on public indecency and breach of peace charges in connection with the incident last month at his Stratford residence.  

That moppery case will have to wait, we've got to punish an old man that got busy with shrubbery.

According to cops, a neighbor called 911 to report that Berg was walking around his backyard in the nude and had communed with a bush.

Yeah, call the emergency line for this one. Heart attacks, crimes in progress, naked oldsters with uncontrolled botanical horny levels, it's all the same.

The neighbor, who filmed Berg’s antics and later showed the video to police, told cops that he confronted the pensioner.

I hope I never reach a point in life where "filming" (that's not how modern cameras work, mainstream media) literal beating around the bush becomes necessary.

In response, Berg “stopped the indecent behavior, covered himself with a grill cover, apologized to him and then went into the house,” police reported.

Grill covers, is there anything they can't do? Helping with the cooking process, covering your withered elderly genitalia, etc.

Berg, a retired embalmer, is free on $10,000 bond and is scheduled for an August 5 Superior Court hearing.

Someone from Death Inc. that isn't psychologically well-adjusted? Hard to believe.

As seen above, while the backyard of Berg’s modest ranch home is ringed by bushes, the plantings did not keep him out of view of onlookers, police noted. 

Yes, they thought we needed to see some satellite images. For this story. Yeah.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

LESSON....NEVER apologize....

It's Bush's fault!

You ever heard of tree huggers?

Leave him alone and tell the cops to F off.

Personally, I 'identify' as a 15 year-old Girl Scout


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: 2 Dead Skunks Found With ‘Obama Stinks’ Sign

Want to make a meaningless political statement that will have no impact whatsoever on the present transformation of America into the best country to ever exist? If you're relatively normal, you'll do the sensible thing and just post your crazy, wet-brain thoughts on the internet. Honestly, what could be more healthy than draining the venom under an assumed name on the tubes? It just feels right. Then we've got people that decide the best empty gestures are achieved with dead varmints and dead tree signage. Please do not imitate these people and seek out the tons of free publicity we give them under the guise of condemning their actions.

Police in Fairfield, Connecticut, are investigating the discovery of two dead skunks with a sign reading “Obama Stinks.”

Luckily there's no real crime, so we can waste tax dollars trying to avenge the deaths of vermin.

One skunk had string wrapped around its neck and was nailed to a telephone pole, while the other was found at the base. The sign with the anti-Obama message was attached to the pole and also had an American flag with a hammer and sickle in place of the stars.

SKUNK News, when the slightly right of center ravings of FOX news just aren't getting it. We kill stinky giant rats and spread the truth about the U.S.S.A.

A woman who noticed the dead animals called Fairfield police at 8:40 Tuesday morning.

"There's a dead skunk and crime speech, please send the police tank."

Fairfield Police Lt. James Perez said authorities aren’t sure what to make of the sign.

Yeah, it is pretty inscrutable.

The police are helpless, can YOU figure this out?

“Is it a direct threat? I’m not sure it’s even a veiled threat. We really don’t know what it is at this point,” Perez told WCBS 880’s Alex Silverman.

At this point I'm not even sure if I could spell my own name. Oh well, back to use high-powered weapons and military vehicles to "protect" the community.

“They wanted to present a message to others of their views and they wanted to do it in such a shocking way that it would get people’s attention. It clearly got their attention,” Chief Gary MacNamara told WCBS 880’s Connecticut Bureau Chief Fran Schneidau said.

A slightly more intelligent member of the force explained the situation.

However, it does seem to be clear case of animal cruelty, Silverman reported.

Arranging dead vermin to make a political point...First Amendment protected? Get on this, Supreme Court.

“In this day and age with so many people leading complex lives, it’s silly that you would have someone make such a bold statement using a defenseless animal,” Perez said.

In fairness they're more than capable of defending themselves, what with that musk and all.

Anyone with information that may be helpful is urged to contact police or animal control.

An issue for the town dog catcher or something that will require a police air strike...we're still not sure.

Don't visit the ad-riddled source. http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2015/03/10/2-dead-skunks-found-with-obama-stinks-sign-in-fairfield-conn/

Komment Korner  

Now that's what I call truth in advertising!

ha, this is great.... although I could use better words than "stinks" when it comes to the serial lying fraud

Gotta love those progressive liberals.... What will they think of next?

I'm having a VERY good time at your expense!

And, you'll wet your bed again tonight

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Choose Your Own Adventure #5: The Mystery of Chimney Rock

After an unfair, deprotagonizing and generally ungood voyage to a land of swords and sorcery it's back to the Choose Your Own Adventure series and some relatively modern horror. Make no mistake, this was definitely an area where this series excelled. While my parents were just glad the moron box was off, I was experiencing refined nightmarium. They probably would have been less happy about all that reading if they knew it was generally stories where you die a horrible and meaningless death at the hands of supernatural evil.

This one opens with a fair amount of back-story, well at least more than most early entries. I'm visiting my cousins in Connecticut and we're checking out this "large stone house." It looks abandoned, but instead of becoming the center of a thriving squatter-based heroin industry it's also uninhabited, on account of a curse. People go and in and don't come back out, basically. Like most problems, a cat lady is involved. Apparently this old woman, who may or may not have been a witch, placed the curse so that people wouldn't bother her cat. Yeah, really. Others theorize that she isn't actually dead, but the bottom line is we've got this creepy haunted house ruining the local real estate market.

Places curses, ruins property values, throws cats.

There's also a creepy caretaker who lives in a nearby shack and presumably spends his days writing anti-technology manifestos, when not fulfilling the classic horror movie "insane prophet who is totally vindicated by later events" role.

Like any true friends, my cousins immediately suggest that I enter the cursed, haunted, roach motel for humans. I'm all "let's do this stuff." We get some nice descriptions of the general unpleasant aura of the house and I'm having second thoughts already, but the desire to not to look weak in front of second tier relations is a powerful, powerful thing.

Inside I enter a kitchen that is not exactly of the "dream" variety. Mister "It's got a death curse!" never goes into the house itself, which explains both the many chipped tiles and why "caretaker of cursed property" is the best job in the world.

In classic horror movie style I head up the stairs to investigate, say "Who's there?" at unexplained noises and generally blunder around wasting time before the inevitable. There's dust and cobwebs everywhere and the railing is falling off, which I'm sure is in no way telegraphing a possible horrible fate. I enter a room filled with various mismatched items, like an old radio and some rope. There's a closet in back. Go in? Of course.

Before I can complete that process, a mouse runs at my feet and I'm all set for a death struggle against two pounds worth of vermin. However, before I can "kick it away" it dies on its own. Well, all right. This prompts a mild freak out and I run out of the room. You know, maybe this whole witch house thing wasn't the best idea. I did notice some keys next to a police officer uniform hanging on the wall prior to my embarrassing battle with a self-destructing rodent, so I decide to go back and get them. I must properly honor the memory of Officer Van Halen.

Please type in your home address and what hours you're not there.

I get the key ring without incident, but heading back to the stairs a big black cat is hissing and generally looking unfriendly. After that whole mouse thing I can imagine how poorly this is going to turn out. Recognizing that I'm totally outclassed by an animal that regularly chokes on its own fur I bolt for the kitchen. Here someone is calling for "Melissa" and sure enough, it's the witch! Suddenly all crazy brave I stare her down and she runs off down some stairs. I try to follow, but end up going back outside instead, wondering what all this nonsense means. 

Got scared by a mouse, ran from the cat, then I "ethered" a witch.

The next day I go back and encounter the caretaker. I fear the worst, but instead of being all "look on this omen and despair!" or whatever he claims I freed him from the witch's curse. Man, if sitting in a shack all day ranting about the United Nations and inhaling booze counts as a curse I must be under the direct wrath of God. Either way, good for you, dude. "She died yesterday," he explains. "For the last time!" Oh, shocker! Bum bum bum BUM!!!!! Please do not ruin this incredible surprise ending by telling your friends.

I liked this book. It's got some nice atmosphere and builds tension, even if nothing that happens made any sense in hindsight. What were those keys for? Who did that uniform belong to? Why do mice just tire of life and die? Why did the old woman running off somehow result in her final, real, no take-backs this time, death and the lifting of the curse? There aren't any good answers and there probably shouldn't be. It's just supposed to scare you and based on all those childhood nightmares, mission accomplished.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.