News You Can't Use: Mystery as 600 Dogs Jump from 'Haunted Suicide Bridge'

Today's adventure in journalism with no practical application involves what might happen if the films "All Dogs Go to Heaven" and "101 Dalmatians" were mated together by the forces of demonic evil. Only in this case there's 600 dogs, they represent breeds other than firehouse mascot and they're going to the Bad Place as suicides to join Hitler's dog and the evil Lassie that mauled Timmy. Yes, our furry friends are jumping off the suicide bridge...but why? Fortunately online reportage is on the case.

Animal psychologists are baffled by the bizarre phenomenon that has seen up to 600 dogs jump off the bridge for no apparent reason.

The Freudian animal psychologists are blaming mother issues and the death drive, while Rogerian ones see the problem as a lack of "That's a good boy" unconditional positive regard.

Explanations range from the curious canines being over-excited, to ghosts haunting the century-old bridge next to Gothic castle Overtoun House.

I can't control my diving from a height level. I want to blank my body up with gravity, I can't help it. Also, this is Europe, so a century-old bridge is new construction with no history.

Some locals in West Dunbartonshire, Scotland, even claim it could be the spirit of the 'White Lady of Overtoun' who has been sighted there for over 100 years.

It's certainly as plausible as "Rover got all aroused by a bridge and is now playing catch the frisbee in Hell."

Religious and philosophy teacher Paul Owens told the Sun: "I was standing there two years ago when I felt a firm, hard prod that felt like a finger.

Yeah, that's not my finger bumping into you.

"Something or someone was trying to push me over the bridge too, just like the dogs."

My overly active imagination has turned against me!

A sign now warns dog owners of the "dangerous bridge" reading: "Please keep your dogs on a lead."

As long as your dog is all full of lead, it should have trouble jumping and be resistant to radiation.

Another, more scientific, theory suggests minks below are responsible for attracting dogs with their powerful musk scent.

Minks. Nature's psychotic pranksters. We can now stop feeling bad about turning these evil monsters into winter fashions.

Leading animal behaviourist Dr David Sands investigated the cases for Animal Planet and offered an alternative explanation.

Before you go blaming future coats or the spirits of the dead, let's hear from an expert on height-related canine mortality.

"I've looked at pictures but coming to the place for the first time, it has a kind of strange feeling. It's perfectly natural for people to want to look down and I'm wondering if it's the same for dogs."

I had these feelings. I bet dogs are like that, too. Clearly this is not the scientist you'd ask to explain how magnets work.

No! Bad!

"I think it's highly likely at all of the cases that it was curiosity that killed the dog."

 

Animal psychology, folks. When the regular kind is not enough of a con game.

Full Story.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: 2 Dead Skunks Found With ‘Obama Stinks’ Sign

Want to make a meaningless political statement that will have no impact whatsoever on the present transformation of America into the best country to ever exist? If you're relatively normal, you'll do the sensible thing and just post your crazy, wet-brain thoughts on the internet. Honestly, what could be more healthy than draining the venom under an assumed name on the tubes? It just feels right. Then we've got people that decide the best empty gestures are achieved with dead varmints and dead tree signage. Please do not imitate these people and seek out the tons of free publicity we give them under the guise of condemning their actions.

Police in Fairfield, Connecticut, are investigating the discovery of two dead skunks with a sign reading “Obama Stinks.”

Luckily there's no real crime, so we can waste tax dollars trying to avenge the deaths of vermin.

One skunk had string wrapped around its neck and was nailed to a telephone pole, while the other was found at the base. The sign with the anti-Obama message was attached to the pole and also had an American flag with a hammer and sickle in place of the stars.

SKUNK News, when the slightly right of center ravings of FOX news just aren't getting it. We kill stinky giant rats and spread the truth about the U.S.S.A.

A woman who noticed the dead animals called Fairfield police at 8:40 Tuesday morning.

"There's a dead skunk and crime speech, please send the police tank."

Fairfield Police Lt. James Perez said authorities aren’t sure what to make of the sign.

Yeah, it is pretty inscrutable.

The police are helpless, can YOU figure this out?

“Is it a direct threat? I’m not sure it’s even a veiled threat. We really don’t know what it is at this point,” Perez told WCBS 880’s Alex Silverman.

At this point I'm not even sure if I could spell my own name. Oh well, back to use high-powered weapons and military vehicles to "protect" the community.

“They wanted to present a message to others of their views and they wanted to do it in such a shocking way that it would get people’s attention. It clearly got their attention,” Chief Gary MacNamara told WCBS 880’s Connecticut Bureau Chief Fran Schneidau said.

A slightly more intelligent member of the force explained the situation.

However, it does seem to be clear case of animal cruelty, Silverman reported.

Arranging dead vermin to make a political point...First Amendment protected? Get on this, Supreme Court.

“In this day and age with so many people leading complex lives, it’s silly that you would have someone make such a bold statement using a defenseless animal,” Perez said.

In fairness they're more than capable of defending themselves, what with that musk and all.

Anyone with information that may be helpful is urged to contact police or animal control.

An issue for the town dog catcher or something that will require a police air strike...we're still not sure.

Don't visit the ad-riddled source. http://newyork.cbslocal.com/2015/03/10/2-dead-skunks-found-with-obama-stinks-sign-in-fairfield-conn/

Komment Korner  

Now that's what I call truth in advertising!

ha, this is great.... although I could use better words than "stinks" when it comes to the serial lying fraud

Gotta love those progressive liberals.... What will they think of next?

I'm having a VERY good time at your expense!

And, you'll wet your bed again tonight

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.