DotTeeVee: Aleksander Emelianenko MMA MOTiVATiON - HARDEST TRAiNiNG

The current sad state of gym motivation/death sport encouragement is something I think about a lot. It's an area where there's no shortage of content, all of it uniformly terrible. What you usually get is lots yelling, puffing up and making terrible allegories that encourage you to equate the quest for success with not wanting your head held under water, for example. I mean, you like breathing, don't you? The only quality producer of these videos, a jacked Men's Health (it's a magazine, ask your Grandpa, kids) model who would lift weights and then tell you "that's not normal" was killed by a train and since then it's been a vast, blasted wasteland.

Until now, that is. It's time for a scary Russian criminal to motivate you to fix your lazy, decadent American life. Yes, you American. I must break you (of your bad habits). You will lose (disgusting fat). Whatever he hits (mostly the victims of his shocking crimes), he destroys.

Oh, hello there. I didn't hear you come in.

We start with a still photo of a man who spent a significant portion of his life in Russian prisons posing with some other guy while awesome hype music plays. Then it's off to the gym to meet our Sherpa on this most important climb of your life. I wouldn't trust getting jacked and learning to rip some face to just anyone and neither should you. We'll just ignore that whole "sitting on a Smith machine" deal. It's not like it's even close to the worst thing he's ever done. Our Slavic motivational speaker disgorges himself from the fitness device and points menacingly in the general direction of the camera. "Did you start playing sports?" Whatever answer doesn't get me brutally murdered is the one I'm going to give. 

Why yes, Mr. Dead Eyes, I have. How did you know? Fortunately for my continued existence, he seems okay with the idea, recommending that people go to the gym to "save our health." Everything seems to come back to not being put into the ground with this guy, I'm sorry. He then does a single awkward repetition on some sort of cable station and performs a thumbs up afterwards. If The Fonz had been replaced by a brutal and soulless Saint Petersburg crime, mayhem and sport machine, this would be the end result. Now get yourself in shape or next time you come home he'll be waiting under your bed.

I didn't jump the shark, I stabbed it to death.

It's now time to demonstrate the correct amount of sweat to shed during your workout. Mr. Emelianenko is standing in a small lake created by leaked coolant from skipping rope (It's fun to imagine this unbelievably tough and scary dude doing tricks and reciting nursery rhymes during this process). I'm not sure a healthy body can create that much liquid, you might have a glandular issue. Suffice it to say, your Planet Bitchness is not going to be cool with it. I, on the other hand, think it's impressive and cool. This is a great video. Please don't bludgeon me into the promised land, Grim Reaper. Yes, that's his nickname.

We get another thumbs up. Nope, nothing wrong here.

This horrific skeleton monster art should motivate you.

Off to crush the heavy bag! This consists of throwing many short punches to "work on motor skills." Time to give the thumbs up. This jovial trademark gesture is somewhat undermined by The Red Devil (he's got many nicknames, all of them implying deadly violence) glaring menacingly into the camera. Thankfully we fade to black and then step into the ring to throw some hands at a partner holding focus mitts. Not much to say about this, other than my inspiring leader's tendency to say "Da" while he hits, as if he's saying yes to every devastating strike. Then, sometimes, I like to switch it up and say "nyet," as if I'm saying no, don't stop the face-smashing. 

Now for some ground game from the SAMBO expert. Some control from guard bottom against a striker is demonstrated and this, of course, earns disapproval from idiots in the comments who honestly think they could do it better. Know-it-alls on my internet? It's more likely than you think. Here's a fighter who has fought top opponents in several countries, but I have a white belt in Combat Dog-Boxing Kung Fu from a school in the Midlands. Let me tell you what you should be doing, mate. Great Britain, never big on that whole "self-preservation" concept.

 I'm ready to fight a Russian monster with 27 MMA wins who once killed a bear with a knife.

The Warrior is flipping a giant tire! If he starts doing kipping pull-ups next, I'm not sure what to think. Instead the rubber to road interface of Bigfoot gets repeatedly turned over. Then it's box jumps, but this is Russia and there are no suitable boxes, so just pile some plates. We're in danger of this turning into a "gym fail" video, but luckily the man with a degree in economics (!!!) retains verticality after an awkward slip. Now, jump rope. Someone go get the mop. Music that sounds like something off the soundtrack of a seventies action film plays and with that bizarre anti-climax we're done. I feel I have been adequately prepared mentally and spiritually to exercise in pursuit of my sport goals. Thank you, sir.

Komment Korner  

Everyone should go to gym. He's sending these lazy nerds a good message 

Alexander you need to move your legs when on the ground, it will help you gain control of your opponent. Put your feet on his hips and armbar. If you are ever in England come and train with us at "Tony Delaney's Elite MMA Academy" 

STRAIGHT BEAST! So AWESOME seeing him back, And whooping Dudes at that!

Don't mess with Mother Russia

You cant have those tattoos and not earn them.  

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.   

News You Can't Use: Forget the Hackers, Watch Out for the Phone Snoopers Over Your Shoulder

We're all afraid of "hackers," the completely amoral Macedonian computer geniuses who use the invisible highway to steal your credit cards and decide Presidential elections, but it turns out there's an even bigger menace than the "trolls" and "content farmers" some decrepit crazy lady tried to warn us about. It turns out your secret, and no doubt unbelievably embarrassing in the most banal ways possible, personal information can be stolen by something called "working eyes" on criminals and scumbags that look at your little screen while you're also looking at it. The scourge of over-the-shoulder readers is back, friends, made extra pathetic by this miraculous age of high technology and staggering personal atomization.

Bill Fish was texting his wife on breaks during a talent show at their children’s Cincinnati school when a woman seated next to him asked, “Are you married to Nicole Fish?”

In the middle of the third intermission of the grammar school Vegas revue (don't worry, that young man who did the profane "rap music" won't be back) I decided to peck at the pocket Skinner Box, as is the way in this best of all worlds. Next thing you know, I'm being asked questions by a total stranger. Face-to-face interaction? How do I do this thing? Does she want money?

Assuming the woman was trying to be friendly, Mr. Fish said he was, introduced himself and said, “Nice to meet you,” he says.

Assuming friendly intentions is the prologue to just about every horrific tale of modern horror, so be sure to never do that. I thought it was a friendly conversation, we found the remains in a shallow grave a month later, that sort of thing. Avoid social interactions. Sink into your little phone. Shield the screen from peepers. This is healthy.

“Her next line to me was, ‘I saw that you’ve sent her two or three texts, so I just had to be sure you were actually her husband,’” says Mr. Fish, co-founder of Tuck, an online resource on sleep and related products.

I don't want to alarm you bro-ham, but I think she was looking for the Rude Awakening.

“This woman was not only looking over my shoulder, but basically accusing me of infidelity,” he says.

I can't correctly interpret basic social cues like "joking around." I mean, where are the yellow cartoon faces to tip me off in these so-called "conversations?" I can't do this. Thanks, texting!

Some of the rudest privacy violations don’t occur online. On buses and trains and in cafes and lecture halls, peeking at what others are doing on their mobile devices is a temptation few can resist.
 
"Go on, look at this stranger's text conversation, full of grammatical, spelling and logical errors," the devil whispers. It will only cost you your very soul, haw, haw, haw!

Robert Siciliano, chief executive of IDTheftSecurity.com, a Boston security-training firm, was emailing a client on his laptop during a Boston-to-Chicago flight a few years ago. That’s when a passenger behind him tapped him on the shoulder and declared that he knew the person he was emailing.

These modern urban legends suck ass.

Mr. Siciliano wondered if his fellow passenger was crazy.

Man, you crazy or something. Why you so crazy, you crazy man?

“I had the sense that I’d been violated,” he says. When he saw that the man seemed friendly and just wanted to talk, he laughed it off.

We live in a world that literally can't tell when you're just messing around. I think this is the real story here, not your imaginary security training or sleep related products business that you pretend to run on the phone so you can feel like a Big Shot.

A 2017 survey of 174 adults by researchers at the University of Munich in Germany found 97% had observed or been involved in at least one instance of screen-snooping.

I haven't been this scandalized since I found out what "stealthing" was. It has nothing to do with those futuristic 1992 jets, suffice it to say.

Unlike criminals trolling for passwords or other sensitive information, screen snoopers—also known as shoulder surfers or visual hackers— are usually just bored or curious and see mostly games, photos or innocuous texts, the German study found.

Save us from the visual hackers, Germany. Their weaponized boredom is causing the occasional "Nah, I'm just playing, dawg" interlocution.

Snooping punctures the invisible personal bubble that seems to surround smartphone and laptop users in crowded spaces.

My invisible bubble has been breached! Help!

That awkward moment when you must bug out from your bug out location.

Sarah Johnson was riding the New York subway home from work recently when she noticed a woman peering over her shoulder, reading the email she was writing on her phone. 

This is the digital equivalent of holding a book so everyone can see the title.

“Should I move the screen closer so you can have a better look?” Ms. Johnson asked, turning in her seat to look at the woman. Flustered, the fellow traveler denied snooping and backed away. Ms. Johnson, public-relations director for FitSmallBusiness.com, a digital magazine, says, “I try not to let people’s rude behavior bother me.”

Wow. Target destroyed.

She darkens her screen settings or scrolls away from sensitive information if she senses someone is watching.
 

I set it for black text on a black background. Problem solved.

Full Article. 

Komment Korner  

I don't think the security guy who uses his laptop on a plane should be in the security business.

The other day a watcher struck up a conversation on the bus.  She saw I was reading news sites and admired the accessibility.  I take responsibility for that

I drive my car to destinations.

And, yes, your detritus often has your DNA.

Flip phone ......the real smart phone.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

Choose Your Own Adventure #33: The Dragon's Den

Previously, I defeated the leader of evil giant ants who had somehow disguised itself as a robot and won the trust of the galaxy's best scientists. Today, it's back to more adventures in a dreamworld of magic and fantasy, as delivered by solid second-tier author Richard Brightfield. As a special added bonus, the illustrator has worked with "Heavy Metal" magazine, so you know this is going to be super righteous. If you don't believe me, consider the cover, full of warmed-over Tolkien cliches and hovering heads.

 Battle the evil dragon Thermal Inversion and return the evil pendant to Mount Misfortune.

The generic medieval setting is quickly established via some utilitarian prose and it's revealed that I'm some sort of wanderer, traveling across the land of magic in search of adventure. I honestly expected the next paragraph to be "You're in front of a dungeon entrance. What do you do?" Instead, I notice how the local economy and tourism industry has been devastated by attacks from a mythological Satan analogue. My lone wanderer character is so lacking in basic empathy that my immediate reaction is to speculate on the chance for treasure, ignoring the massive human cost of wyrm terrorism.

Of course, all this "here there be dragons" build is casually tossed aside on the next page, as another hoary plot device, the tavern of adventure leads, is introduced. Two poorly described individuals are discussing a treasure map or the like and I, as the Player Character, sense this is the one true path and interject myself, citing non-existent experience in such matters. Superficial charm, inability to connect with society or form friendships, total lack of emotion in the face of human suffering, grandiose and delusional self-worth...I'm a psychopath. Meanwhile, these other two goofs, who I'll presumably betray and kill after they're no longer useful, are worried about "the King's spies" and want to meet in a room upstairs. I consider it, but instead tell them to...

They agree, so I kill some time enjoying the rustic hospitality and marinating in my own ridiculous self-confidence. It's night by the time I hit the street and, wouldn't you know it, my meal ticket is tied to a pole. "It's a trap!" I'm not posting that Admiral Akbar image, one dreadful meme per post is my limit.

I'm quickly sold out to the guards for some pieces of silver by the tavern maid (no, really, this is what happens) and the sword and shield patrol closes in. I'm given a choice to try to run for it, but because I'M ROLE-PLAYING my emotionally hollowed-out character I decide to stand my ground and trust that I'll be fine in the face of pre-Industrial jurisprudence. It's not like I've done anything wrong and besides, I'm just traveling and am I free to go?

I get pitched into a prison cell with the people I was hoping to exploit for my own heartless gain. Does this count as irony, Alanis? Anyway, the King has so little to do that he hears our case personally, and my doomed assistants are all "We were going to tell you about the treasure right away!" which leads to a discussion of the creatively named "Dragon Mountain" instead of a prompt drawing and quartering like it would in real life. Of course, all this builds to nothing because we don't want to anger the dragons and end our policy of appeasement and delivering billions of dollars to them on pallets under the cover of darkness, so it's time for some harsh punishments in salt mines.

It turns out the one guy I barely knew as "Boke" is actually a girl named "Virgana," which I guess would mean more if we'd gotten more than a sentence worth of description prior to this point, and as such is exempt from "salt mine" duty and is assigned serving maid duty. The other, unnamed conspirator and myself, the anti-hero, can't use the woman pass, so we're offered a choice between serving at the bottom of the value chain in seasoning delivery or exile. I'll take the slave labor in an unlit, underground hell, please. How bad could it be? 

Yeah, cut it out Doyle.

As you might expect, the gig in the mine is easy and time passes quickly. Then, there's a panic, because the King has decided to seal off this part of the operation, with the prisoners still in there. I like how the unnamed Monarch is personally blamed for every bad thing that happens. Anyway, the reason we're being buried alive is because the digging accidentally hit a "dragon run" within the mountain and I'm such a piece of work that I get all excited and think this is my big chance to get that gold, instead of repenting sins and preparing to die like any sane individual would. 

Not about to let the opportunity to be the world's richest corpse slip away, I make my way deeper, eventually finding the cavern dug by a scaled metaphor for our sins. Then my torch goes out. Then I see the eyes of the monster glistening in the darkness. Everything is going according to plan. 

Instead of trying to fight the nightmare reptile in its home territory, in total darkness, with no weapon, as I feel the deranged adventurer and convicted treasure map criminal would, the book forces me to flee down another tunnel, eventually losing the flame lizard and finding a grotto. I decide not to swim across and keep going. 

That all you got? It's on now!

Another passage leads to what the author describes as "hell," complete with lava floes and the like. Then an "apelike creature," apropos of nothing, attacks. I try to run, am overwhelmed by the intense heat and die before this highly random monster can even start rending me to pieces. In some ways it seems a very fitting end.

This one was bad. Almost every new development left me rolling my eyes and the limited agency offered was just enough to provoke angry at how predictable everything ended up being. Apparently writing a compelling fantasy story about dragons is difficult and this attempt was definitely a failure.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Tom Brady on NFL Ratings: I Don't Follow the NFL Like I Used To

Primetime television ratings for the NFL declined by nearly 10% on average last season, after declining the previous season as well.

Extremely rich and completely awful human beings might be slightly less rich as a result. Concerned?

The dip prompted a national debate over the causes: bad games; too many games; Trump’s angry tweets; outrage over players kneeling in protest; domestic violence scandals; or too many injuries.

There were so many games, they were all bad, our President was on Twitter, everyone is hurt...time to turn off the electronic toilet.

On Tuesday, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, arguably the biggest current active star in the sport, gave his take when asked by interviewer Jim Gray at the Milken Institute.

I guess we could have talked to some of the fans that tuned out, but Brady has this really cool mansion and we got to hang out in it.

“There’s so much for us to consume, as we all know,” Brady said. “There’s so much happening… I hate to say it: I don’t follow it like I used to, because, so many other things to follow."

I nominate "There's so much to consume" as America's new national motto.

There’s a lot more competition today than there’s ever been, I think, especially with social media, for people to consume information or to consume content.

This sentence doesn't make much sense, but consider all the buzzwords and pandering to current fads.

The NFL has had a great product, people love watching the game. I think it’s still doing better than every other program out there. But compared to a time when there was less things to do, it doesn’t live up to those standards.

I mean, Americans are so active now. Everyone's exercising, exploring nature, reading books, spending time with their children. I'm not serious, of course.

Of course, Brady has been at the center of a number of NFL public issues over the last few seasons, first for his role in “Deflategate,” the league’s investigation into whether Brady had Patriots employees remove air from footballs for him, and then for his public friendship with Donald Trump, who railed against NFL team owners last season for allowing players like Colin Kaepernick to kneel in protest during the national anthem.

Being friends with a mainstream politician who got elected to the highest office in the land is now a "public issue."

For Brady to say that he personally follows the rest of the NFL less than he used to is sure to grab attention—perhaps especially at league headquarters, where Commissioner Roger Goodell and other execs are eager to quash any notion that interest in pro football is on the decline.

Please ignore the objective statistical data that clearly shows this decline.

You might think the NFL won’t be pleased to hear one of its biggest stars say he follows his own sports less than in the past. On the other hand, Brady’s comment blames the ratings dip on a phenomenon that is hurting all live sports, rather than blaming the NFL itself.

Tom Brady isn't watching the basketball either.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Driving Around With Your Music Blaring Could Now Get You Arrested in Miami Beach

Miami Beach police are cracking down on drivers blasting loud music from car stereos as they cruise around the city, part of a broader effort to address noise complaints and other disturbances in areas frequented by tourists.

In the interest of full disclosure I should mention that most of what I know about Miami comes from a Will Smith song and the time I was recruited by Thug U (this might not have actually happened). In any case, you better turn down Big Willie Style if you don't want to get in trouble with fascists who place the so-called "tourism industry" ahead of your inherent right to crank up that Bass Boy and/or Bass Cube.

Beginning this weekend, a special police detail will pull over cars for blaring music — and drivers who refuse to turn down the volume could wind up in handcuffs.

Expect lots of sovereign citizen videos where they explain to John Law that they're actually playing music and not "blaring" it and there's nothing the officer can do because it's not a commercial sound system, followed immediately by broken windows, tasing and being drug off in bracelets.

"We're going to afford violators in fairness one warning. After that they will be arrested and taken to jail," Miami Beach Police Chief Dan Oates told the City Commission on Wednesday evening.

If only this applied to all laws. "You get one free murder, but after that consider yourself on notice, pal."

Although a Miami-Dade County ordinance prohibiting cars from playing "unreasonably loud" music was already on the books, violators were not often arrested, said Miami Beach Police spokesman Ernesto Rodriguez.

There's also a law that allows cows to vote and one that forbids gambling on pinball, but don't expect any big comebacks with those.

A state law that enabled police to give drivers a ticket for loud music was struck down in 2012, leaving the county ordinance as the only legal tool for controlling the city's nighttime soundtrack.

We only have one lousy law when everyone knows you need thousands to keep society from descending into a savage battle royale.

For now, Miami Beach is starting with a small group of police officers tasked with patrolling for car noise violations, but the city plans to expand its efforts.

We're going to take everyone off arson, fraud and narcotics and move them to the "loud beats" division.

The loud thumping is not guaranteed to attract aspiring actresses.

"The goal is to have all of our officers citywide working and enforcing these types of violations and infractions."

Since there's no other crime, this should be easy.

All Miami Beach police officers should have a body camera by the end of May, Oates said, which will allow officers to record the warnings they give to drivers and document the volume of the music.

Well, at least they'll be forced to document this. Woofer Lives Matter.

The crackdown on cars playing loud music is one of a number of changes proposed by city officials. The City Commission is also considering a ban on scooter rentals during the month of March and on Memorial Day weekend.

This is terrible news, considering I already made a five figure payment on scooter rentals for March 2027, gambling that this investment would steadily gain value and I could then flip it for major profits.

Full Article. 

Komment Korner   

I don't want to hear the crap you play.

Competing with the axxholes? You might win.

Playing loud music in your car or your home is the ultimate selfishness

Filthy reprobates have destroyed every formerly nice neighborhood or town.

100% Agree.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Chicago Is Trying to Pay Down Its Debt by Impounding Innocent People’s Cars

As part of a new consumer advocacy format that I'll be switching to from now on, I'll be warning you, the unsuspecting future victim, about the various con games, shucks and trick bags out there. One of these is so-called "law enforcement" taking the cars of innocent (like a baby!) citizens to raise petrodollars for the debt doom spiral that we're currently in. At least it is according to something called "Reason dot com." Well, with a name like that, you know it's going to be nothing but sensible and impartial discussions of the big issues of our times, so let's dive right in and examine this unbelievable outrage.

On June 21, 2016, Chicago police pulled Spencer Byrd over for a broken turn signal. Byrd says his signal wasn't broken, but that detail would soon be the least of his worries. 

We noticed your turn signal was broken. It started flickering before you made that turn.

Ever since, Byrd has been trapped in one of the city's most confusing bureaucratic mazes, deprived of his car and his ability to work. He now owes the city thousands of dollars for the pleasure.

Soon to be a major motion picture, once we finish re-making every single existing movie.

Byrd, 50, lives in Harvey, Illinois, a corrupt, crime-ridden town south of Chicago where more than 35 percent of the populace lives below the poverty line.

Something tells my the Harvey tourism and development board did not sponsor this article.

He's a carpenter by trade, but until the traffic stop, he had a side gig as an auto mechanic.

This mechanical work? Just a little side hustle I do on the side before my YouTube channel of me eating and drinking anything and everything takes off.

Byrd says he's been fixing cars "ever since I was 16 years old and blew my first motor." Sometimes he did service calls and would give clients rides when he couldn't repair their cars on the spot.

He's basically the second best carpenter to ever live, in case it wasn't clear enough.

On this early summer night, Byrd was giving a client, a man he says he had never met before, a ride in his Cadillac DeVille.

It's pretty common practice for off-the-books fake mechanics, ask anyone.

Police pulled both of them out of the car and searched them. Byrd was clean, but in his passenger's pocket was a bag of heroin the size of a tennis ball.

Maybe that's why the car was impounded and not the broken turn signal? I know, it's a wild thought, but please consider it, "Reason."

The two were hauled off to the precinct house.

They got pitched in the jug, man.

Byrd had run afoul of Chicago's aggressive vehicle impound program, which seizes cars and fines owners thousands of dollars for dozens of different offenses. 

All you have to do is get caught with a significant amount of heroin and this insane program runs wild. Stop the madness!

It impounds cars even when the owner isn't even driving, like when a child is borrowing a parent's car.

I'm not driving, I'm traveling. Under the Articles of Confederation you have no authority here. Traffic laws aren't really laws. Am I being detained? Am I free to go?

In total, Chicago fined motorists more than $17 million between March 2017 and March of this year for 31 different types of offenses, ranging from DUI to having illegal fireworks in a car to playing music too loud, according to data from the Chicago Administrative Hearings Department.

Yes, fines for minor things like drunk driving. Your outrage is totally justified.

About $10 million of those fines were for driving on a suspended license, and more than $3 million were for drug offenses like the one that resulted in the impoundment of Byrd's car. 

In a Libertarian Society this wouldn't have happened. Mainly because everything would collapse into a chaotic and violent state of nature, but still, it wouldn't happen.

The city says it is simply enforcing nuisance laws and cracking down on scofflaws. But community activists and civil liberties groups say the laws are predatory, burying guilty and innocent owners alike in debt, regardless of their ability to pay or the effect losing a vehicle will have on their lives.

The city made an argument based on six millennia of jurisprudence, but a guy that yells things at people in front of a Taco Bell doesn't agree.

"There's plenty of reason to be concerned that there's injustice being done to people who are mostly poor, people who aren't in a position to fight back," says Ben Ruddell, a staff attorney at the American Civil Liberties Union (ACLU) of Illinois. 

You must earn a certain minimum income before you can be arrested for something.

I should be allowed to blow through red lights because I'm poor.

"The city has been perpetuating an exploitative system, charging exorbitant fees in a way that it knows is likely to make it so folks never get their cars out of impoundment." 

Another injustice against the folks on God's green Earth.

Byrd calls his car his "livelihood," and he has been fighting for close to two years now to recover it. 

"I need that car to live!" Two years pass, is still alive.

The battle between Byrd and the governments of Cook County and the municipality of Chicago over his 1996 Cadillac Fleetwood DeVille, valued at $1,600, is a tangled story involving the drug war, the controversial practice of civil asset forfeiture, ailing city budgets, and the rapacious use of fines and fees to generate city revenue. It's a story of how bureaucracy is used to grind down people by distributing their misery among as many public offices as possible.

No, really, we're impartial arbiters of true wisdom and the best solutions for society.

Full Article.

Komment Korner   

'No nothing' is the same as 'something'... Gotcha!

The sole purpose of government is to rob its citizens.

I'm pretty sure the battery is dead now to boot. 

I doubt the Chicago unemployment rate is 4500%.

Now that is how you Kafka!
 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

DotTeeVee: Judge Doesn't Take Sovereign Citizen’s Nonsense

We've seen the traffic stops, but what happens afterward, when delusional sovereign citizens must face the fair and speedy trial? This is an important question that deserves a through answer, but instead I'm going to review a two and a half minute video and consider the matter closed. In today's subject, a citizen resistor confronts a judge (and some lesser civil servants who go uncredited) and discovers there's a lot less patience to be had in this environment than on the shoulder of some interstate after you drove your "flat earth" truthing "property" without a license plate because of freedom.

Anyways, our Free Man of the Land is already stirred up when the amazing footage begins, yelling "Insubordination!" at a bailiff because that's a logical thing to do. I don't think that word means what you think it does. The heroic beardo continues, blasting the state employee for letting down the public trust. I guess that all happened (and rest assured, it's no doubt legitimate) before this particular video began. We can only speculate over the usurpation that occurred. Asking him to take his hat off? Who knows.

Another individual enters, mumbling about the imminent arrival of the judge. This is like a top-quality stage play, full of bravura performances and challenging themes, to say nothing of the champion tier dialogue. "Am I Being Detained," a critically acclaimed single act avant-garde inquisition into freedom and responsibility. After some heavy silence while the new arrival walks over to his mark, our sovereign asks the assembled trope of low-level authorities if they want to make any "counter-claims." You really don't understand this whole "legal system" thing.

It is the bright day that brings forth the adder

And that craves wary walking. Crown him that,

And then I grant we put a sting in him

That at his will he may do danger with.

We're then told that "failure to answer is consent." There's so much wrong with this statement and so many troubling implications, I'm not sure where to begin. Believe it or not, it turns out that, legally, a lack of a response can never be interpreted as an agreement to something, but on the other hand you can just make things up as you go. The millennial Perry Mason, everyone. The last hope of a free and fair society makes passive-aggressive comments about the literacy of the court employees and then just reads the nonsense out loud anyway. Suffice it to say, we get some garbled legalese that doesn't actually confer anything resembling a lucid meaning. The court room is like a wizard battle, just shout the magic words you don't understand and then you win.

 Am I being summoned? Am I free to go?

The babbling concludes with a "Do you agree?" paired with a lean-in of anticipation. Honestly, this is fake dinner theater I'm watching, right? Believe it or not, agreement is not obtained from the well-fed tool of the fascist regime we live under. Instead, he saunters past, the bright yellow hilt of the taser clearly visible. Anton Chekhov would be proud of this high-quality foreshadowing.

We get some fairly standard issue "I do not consent!" which is pretty bizarre, considering no one has made any request of the Article Four Inhabitant, but again, you want to check all the boxes. Let's discuss municipalities! Before this can turn into a thrilling Sunday morning local politics show, however, our hero demands to know who the "gatekeeper" is. Legal drama or high fantasy, it's a lot harder to tell the difference than you might initially expect.

What the hell are you talking about, cartoon from 2010?

Next it's time to question the "venue." John Grisham, eat your heart out and move over. It turns out we're in Oklahoma, so maybe this should've been a musical. Anyway, the judge is here and it's time for the "all rise" tyranny that any non-slave must reject. "I object!" You know, maybe watching half an episode of "Matlock" after taking krokodil didn't really adequately prepare you for this. The judge starts laying down the suppression. Who does this guy think he is, God? Far out, man.

The Sovereign Citizen is promptly arrested. I know, who could have predicted? In fine literary propriety, the shock gun is deployed just as the video ends.

Komment Korner   

lol dang where is the rest of the video. I want to see the camera guy get beat up to

He's in court no doubt for failing to a provide his drivers license during a routine traffic stop, probably got one of his windows smashed as well.

I can't believe those servants did that to a sovereign citizen! He even gave them a lawful order to stand down and they refused!!

It's ever so much fun when they get tased! :)

Mans that's some concentrated crazy right there

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.