News You Can't Use: Driving Around With Your Music Blaring Could Now Get You Arrested in Miami Beach

Miami Beach police are cracking down on drivers blasting loud music from car stereos as they cruise around the city, part of a broader effort to address noise complaints and other disturbances in areas frequented by tourists.

In the interest of full disclosure I should mention that most of what I know about Miami comes from a Will Smith song and the time I was recruited by Thug U (this might not have actually happened). In any case, you better turn down Big Willie Style if you don't want to get in trouble with fascists who place the so-called "tourism industry" ahead of your inherent right to crank up that Bass Boy and/or Bass Cube.

Beginning this weekend, a special police detail will pull over cars for blaring music — and drivers who refuse to turn down the volume could wind up in handcuffs.

Expect lots of sovereign citizen videos where they explain to John Law that they're actually playing music and not "blaring" it and there's nothing the officer can do because it's not a commercial sound system, followed immediately by broken windows, tasing and being drug off in bracelets.

"We're going to afford violators in fairness one warning. After that they will be arrested and taken to jail," Miami Beach Police Chief Dan Oates told the City Commission on Wednesday evening.

If only this applied to all laws. "You get one free murder, but after that consider yourself on notice, pal."

Although a Miami-Dade County ordinance prohibiting cars from playing "unreasonably loud" music was already on the books, violators were not often arrested, said Miami Beach Police spokesman Ernesto Rodriguez.

There's also a law that allows cows to vote and one that forbids gambling on pinball, but don't expect any big comebacks with those.

A state law that enabled police to give drivers a ticket for loud music was struck down in 2012, leaving the county ordinance as the only legal tool for controlling the city's nighttime soundtrack.

We only have one lousy law when everyone knows you need thousands to keep society from descending into a savage battle royale.

For now, Miami Beach is starting with a small group of police officers tasked with patrolling for car noise violations, but the city plans to expand its efforts.

We're going to take everyone off arson, fraud and narcotics and move them to the "loud beats" division.

The loud thumping is not guaranteed to attract aspiring actresses.

"The goal is to have all of our officers citywide working and enforcing these types of violations and infractions."

Since there's no other crime, this should be easy.

All Miami Beach police officers should have a body camera by the end of May, Oates said, which will allow officers to record the warnings they give to drivers and document the volume of the music.

Well, at least they'll be forced to document this. Woofer Lives Matter.

The crackdown on cars playing loud music is one of a number of changes proposed by city officials. The City Commission is also considering a ban on scooter rentals during the month of March and on Memorial Day weekend.

This is terrible news, considering I already made a five figure payment on scooter rentals for March 2027, gambling that this investment would steadily gain value and I could then flip it for major profits.

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Komment Korner   

I don't want to hear the crap you play.

Competing with the axxholes? You might win.

Playing loud music in your car or your home is the ultimate selfishness

Filthy reprobates have destroyed every formerly nice neighborhood or town.

100% Agree.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: $30,000 Coffin Comes With Music System

"Music is my life," declares some forgettable upright ape who neither composes songs nor plays an instrument of any kind. Good news, now it can also be your death! It's been said that death has a dignity all its own, but the combination of modern technology and some Euro-trash weirdo is working hard to change that. My long held dream of trolling my mourning family and friends with "Bass Cube" and "Bass Boy" tracks is almost within reach.

What do you buy for someone who has everything? How about a gift that keeps on giving after they die.

You mean like...vampirism?

A $30,000 coffin comes equipped with speakers and a a Spotify music streaming account.

The best part is the reasonable price, I'll definitely have plenty left over to build that mid-sized pyramid. Seriously, am I the only one who thinks the Funeral-Industrial complex is out of control? Let's get people at their most vulnerable and then gouge away with unbelievably stupid shit. I mean, is your love of "Lil Wayne" so all-defining that it must out-live you as a grotesque epitaph? Think hard before you answer.

If only this technology existed a century ago. We could wander through cemeteries hearing Andrews Sisters and Bob Crosby and "Yes, We Have No Bananas" blasting out of graves.

A Swedish company is selling the pricey resting spot with two-way speakers.

It's like Thomas Edison's creepy "death phone" mated with everything that's bad about 2013 western society. I look forward to passing a monument, hearing "We Can't Stop," sneering so much my face nearly breaks and saying something witty like "Apparently, you can, in fact, stop. Because you're dead."

It allows the living to hear what's playing for the departed. A digital display on the headstone will allow visitors to see what's playing.

The old joke about an entire cemetery flashing an LED "12:00" is finally realized. No more stupid introspection on your own mortality and need to make the most of the very short time we're given. Nope, here's awful Pop Music to tranquilize your senses, just like everywhere else.

The inventor. Big surprise, he's a creepy looking ghoul.

The owner of the first manufactured model of the CataCombo Sound System is Fredrik Hjelmquist. He allows strangers to add tracks to his playlist “Pause 4-ever”.

I'd ask him who he expects to buy this abomination, but let's be real: he only needs a few suckers.

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Komment Korner  

Does it also bounce up and down like a low-rider?

GEEZ, what do you hear when your dead? ONLY YOUR JUDGEMENT!

It's only a coffin if it has 6 sides, not 4. Do your research.

Now those formerly silent cemeteries are going to be spewing forth more loud and obnoxious music than an August low-rider parade.

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.