News You Can't Use: Man Hospitalized After Chugging Eggnog At Holiday Office Party

According to the television we are deep in the holiday season and close to the coming New Year. This means a time of sincere reflection on the human condition, a quickness to forgive and draw close to family and friends and inhaling massive quantities of alcohol to make all of that b.s. somewhat tolerable. Usually it works fine. Where it goes wrong is when the giggle water is phony and the "inhaling" is taken literally.

A Utah man says he’s fully recovered after he was hospitalized for chugging a quart of eggnog so quickly that he inhaled some of creamy holiday beverage into his lungs.

Somewhere one of those Hollywood wiz-kids who didn't have his career ruined by North Koreans is reading this and getting the idea for the hot new teen sex comedy. "Oh no, Blanket got the creamy beverage into his lungs!"

Ryan Roche from Utah County told KSL-TV that he participated in an alcohol-free eggnog chugging contest at a holiday office party earlier this month.

No booze. Nearly dying. Man, those Mormons sure know how to party. We're kicking it Romney style! Put that L.D.S. approved nog into those lungs! Woo! Woo! Woo!

“I think it was one of those spur of the moment kind of things,” Roche told KSL.

I don't know if it would be worse or better if weeks of planning went into your chugging contest.

Roche says he downed a quart of eggnog in 12 seconds without taking a breath but soon began coughing and gasping.

This is the type of story you tell your Grandchildren while absolutely glowing with pride.

“I just opened up my throat, didn’t even swallow,” he told the station. “I pretty much poured it down.”

Where to even begin with this one.

Hours later, a friend drove him to the hospital as Roche was shaking and struggling to breathe.

This is a true friend, who will be there when your G-Rated wackiness goes horribly wrong.

Doctors told him he had eggnog in his lungs.

The mean doctor told me "Quit smiling, you've got eggnog in your lungs. You're going to die." Then I went to Eggnog Treatment Centers of America. I've now been holiday-themed drink free for eight years and I own a ranch with many horses.

“They pretty much had to wheelchair me in, double IV, oxygen, and hooked me up to what they call the nuclear weapon of antibiotics,” he told KSL.

I have become death, the destroyer of bacteria.

Nearly dying in the most idiotic and humiliating ways possible rules!!!

Roche says he recovered his strength after a week.

The recovery of his dignity will be a much longer process.

“It was rough,” he said. “Eggnog: not ideal for the lungs.”

I feel we have learned a lot. Sadder, but much wiser.

Don't visit the ad-riddled source. http://lasvegas.cbslocal.com/2014/12/23/chugging-eggnog-at-holiday-office-party-sends-man-to-hospital/#respond

Komment Korner  

Why do I get the feeling this dude is on ObamaCare and we just paid for this idiocy

What a beta loser. The eggnog didn't even have alcohol.

And we're reading a story over a tool chugging egg nog?

As a Romney voter, his epiglottis flip-flopped whether to swallow or inhale.

The next time you laugh/smile or have anything close to a good time with friends I want you to feel guilty, because at that moment you aren't thinking of the starving children

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Florida Man Demands Right to Wed Computer

Love, and more specifically the state of being "in" love, is the most important thing in the world. It should be celebrated while the horrified onlookers at least have the common courtesy to disguise their visceral disgust. And, as Frank Sinatra would tell you if he wasn't dead, love and marriage must go together. You can probably already see the smoking train wreck that this kind of mush-think leads to, but since you're not in charge of official policy, forget you. I'm marrying a computer.

Chris Sevier, a man from Florida, believes he should be allowed to wed his Macbook.

You had to know it was going to be one of those Mac people. Seriously, was there any doubt? No one wants to marry a Microsoft product, sorry.

Mr Sevier argues that if gays should be allowed to marry, then so should other sexual minorities.

Sure, whatever, let me stamp your hand.

Mr Sevier states he has fallen in love with a pornography laden computer.

Based on the financial might of the Fornication-Industrial complex it would appear that this puts you in the sexual majority, actually.

“Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women,” he told a court in Florida.

If we ever change the motto on the dollar bill, this gets my vote for the new one.

Mr Sevier, who describes himself as “a former judge advocate and combat veteran”, is persistent, filing claims not only in Florida but also Utah.

"When I was over there, in some foreign land, defending a people that hated me, trying to live one more day, it was my love for electronic onanism that kept me going. Getting back to my beloved computer, loading facial-destruction videos and self-abusing like a madman...that's what saved my life in that horrible war."

The Utah claim, which in reality is an attempt to throw a spanner in the works of a gay marriage case in the federal court, runs to 50 pages.

Whoa, wait a minute. Is this some sort of reductio ad absurdum? It better not be!

The bigoted, evil counter-position from the religious fundamentalist monsters.

If gays feel as is they are second class citizens, Mr Sevier argues then “those of us in the real minority, who want to marry machines and animals, certainly feel like third class citizens”.

This is a lot less fun to comment on when it turns into an obvious allegory that's supposed to make some sort of hard to grasp (LOL HARD, see still funny, haw haw) point.

Mr Sevier apparently sought a marriage licence for himself and his “machine spouse”, but for some reason was denied.

For some obscure reason it didn't happen.

"There's no law against it!" 

"Actually there is. It's right here in the very first paragraph."

"Oh."

Mr Sevier cites legal precedents around the world - including a case where a woman married a dolphin and a Chinese man wed a cardboard cutout of himself.

Looks like that Chinese "One Child Policy" is working out great.

“If there is a risk that is posed to traditional marriage and children, both man-man couples and man-machine couples pose it equally.

"Westworld is not a threat to the family unit, and besides, nothing could possibly go wrong."

Unfortunately for Mr Sevier, the courts in Florida and Utah, found his legal arguments unpersuasive.

Somehow keeping a straight face while you described your future wedded bliss hammering the bishop to Fem Dom J.O. instruction videos might have helped.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.