News You Can't Use: Federal Workers Get Handcuffed Over Porn Problem

Federal workers truly are the heroes of our time. Their ability to perform consistently at a level well below the minimal standards of private industry combined with their well-earned sense of superiority and entitlement inspire us all. Forget being an athlete or having a Youtube channel where you play a video game while exhaling into a microphone like Darth Vader's loser younger brother, the new dream is to become one of the federal employees who do work so valuable it can't even be explained or documented. In between bouts of internet voyeurism, that is.

There is now legislation, authored by Rep. Mark Meadows (R-NC) that would ban employees from looking at porn during work.

The Republican war on women continues. I guess. Come on, use your imagination!

Though it sounds random, it's not.

Actually, it didn't seem that way. What I saw were correctly spelled words formed into mostly coherent sentences. I think we can rule out random mutation, erosion or punctuated equilibrium as explanations. Clearly this is semi-intelligent design.

Earlier this year, a top official at the Environmental Protection Agency was busted for watching porn—lots of porn—on his government-issued computer during work.

A little ironic that someone dedicated to talking down suicidal polar bears and saving the walrus was also so dedicated to self-pollution.

Federal investigators found out that the employee had downloaded at least 7,000 files of pornography and logged between two and six hours of porn watching a day since 2010.

Here's where probably about half the people reading this shrug and say to themselves "Yeah? Sounds like normal behavior to me."

Although this incident was the subject of a heated congressional hearing—the official received little more than a slap on the wrist.

And since said wrist was well toned from repeated "exercise" it hurt even less.

"How much pornography would it take for an EPA employee to lose their job?" House Oversight and Government Reform Committee Chairman Darrell Issa (R-CA) asked at the hearing in May.

Better ask Mr. Owl.

Apparently more than 7,000 files—since this EPA official is still on the job and collecting a hefty paycheck, according to Environment and Energy Publishing.

Yes, this venal piece of garbage is receiving tax-payer money to view satanic evil in his make-work job. Just thought you should know.

In fact, the Oversight and Government Reform Committee says the employee, who is a GS-14 staffer earning between $106,000 and $139,000 had also been receiving performance awards during this time period.

If you're halfway through that unpaid internship you might want to stop reading now before your head explodes from concentrated righteous indignation.

Earlier this year, a Federal Communications Commission employee was caught watching up to eight hours of porn each week at work, the Washington Examiner reported. His reason, according to auditors was that "he often does not have enough work to do and has free time."

Well, if you have time to lean you have time to clean. And I'm not referring to cleaning up yourself after viewing electronic erotica.

Though most agencies like the EPA have guidelines against this type of behavior at work, Meadows says they aren't doing a good enough job enforcing them. That's where his bill comes in—he added that his bill would cover other inappropriate uses of time as well.

Apparently "do your job or get fired" has absolutely no meaning in today's world. Thus, we need special laws.

I also bash the bishop while on the clock.

"It's not just casual porn viewing, but hours and hours of unproductive time doing things we shouldn't be condoning."

I mean, I'm okay with some casual viewing of extreme femdom humiliation videos and so on. This isn't a monastery or something. 

There seems to be a need to reinforce agency rules that might be in place, but not enforced," Meadows told The Washington Post.

Naw, let's just add more rules that will be ignored.

Full Story.

Komment Korner  

Taxpayers shouldn't have to pay for their pervertedness. Prosecute these criminals!

Performance bonus?? I don't wanna know.

I'm surprise no one mention - freedom of speech for watching porn

the real porn is watching congress go on vacation while the nation is engaged in war

They might as well just tell the SEC employees to stay home.

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Florida Man Demands Right to Wed Computer

Love, and more specifically the state of being "in" love, is the most important thing in the world. It should be celebrated while the horrified onlookers at least have the common courtesy to disguise their visceral disgust. And, as Frank Sinatra would tell you if he wasn't dead, love and marriage must go together. You can probably already see the smoking train wreck that this kind of mush-think leads to, but since you're not in charge of official policy, forget you. I'm marrying a computer.

Chris Sevier, a man from Florida, believes he should be allowed to wed his Macbook.

You had to know it was going to be one of those Mac people. Seriously, was there any doubt? No one wants to marry a Microsoft product, sorry.

Mr Sevier argues that if gays should be allowed to marry, then so should other sexual minorities.

Sure, whatever, let me stamp your hand.

Mr Sevier states he has fallen in love with a pornography laden computer.

Based on the financial might of the Fornication-Industrial complex it would appear that this puts you in the sexual majority, actually.

“Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women,” he told a court in Florida.

If we ever change the motto on the dollar bill, this gets my vote for the new one.

Mr Sevier, who describes himself as “a former judge advocate and combat veteran”, is persistent, filing claims not only in Florida but also Utah.

"When I was over there, in some foreign land, defending a people that hated me, trying to live one more day, it was my love for electronic onanism that kept me going. Getting back to my beloved computer, loading facial-destruction videos and self-abusing like a madman...that's what saved my life in that horrible war."

The Utah claim, which in reality is an attempt to throw a spanner in the works of a gay marriage case in the federal court, runs to 50 pages.

Whoa, wait a minute. Is this some sort of reductio ad absurdum? It better not be!

The bigoted, evil counter-position from the religious fundamentalist monsters.

If gays feel as is they are second class citizens, Mr Sevier argues then “those of us in the real minority, who want to marry machines and animals, certainly feel like third class citizens”.

This is a lot less fun to comment on when it turns into an obvious allegory that's supposed to make some sort of hard to grasp (LOL HARD, see still funny, haw haw) point.

Mr Sevier apparently sought a marriage licence for himself and his “machine spouse”, but for some reason was denied.

For some obscure reason it didn't happen.

"There's no law against it!" 

"Actually there is. It's right here in the very first paragraph."

"Oh."

Mr Sevier cites legal precedents around the world - including a case where a woman married a dolphin and a Chinese man wed a cardboard cutout of himself.

Looks like that Chinese "One Child Policy" is working out great.

“If there is a risk that is posed to traditional marriage and children, both man-man couples and man-machine couples pose it equally.

"Westworld is not a threat to the family unit, and besides, nothing could possibly go wrong."

Unfortunately for Mr Sevier, the courts in Florida and Utah, found his legal arguments unpersuasive.

Somehow keeping a straight face while you described your future wedded bliss hammering the bishop to Fem Dom J.O. instruction videos might have helped.

Full Story.

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.