DotTeeVee: Proposing To Elsa

What happens when a twig of a man with pattern baldness and general social incompetence decides it's a good idea to propose marriage to a young lady he doesn't even know? And did I mention the woman in question is portraying a Disney princess at the time? The short answer, obviously, is "lots of involuntary cringing, total failure" but we're here because we want the long answer. Besides, at least the amazing professionalism that will be displayed by "Princess Elsa" will restore some of the faith in humanity you'll lose thanks to our balding anti-hero.

It's not a bald spot, it's a solar panel for a social retardation machine.

We get off to a promising start as our scrawny shut-in approaches reasonable facsimiles of his favorite movie princesses and announces he's going to be celebrating something, earning the enthusiastic response from the royal sisters that Disney kayfabe demands. While this is happening we can note the slouching posture, noodle arms, glasses, terrible hairstyle and ragged hoodie on this piece of work. As we all know, wearing a hoodie, up to no goodie. I honestly feel a little bad piling on this guy like this (and we only just started!) but trust me, he deserves every bit of it.

He informs the live-action re-imaginings that he'll be getting married, "I hope." There is a time and a place for deploying your awesome hoping powers, but when it comes to Holy Matrimony there's a certain advantage to being reasonably certain of a successful outcome. Excellent life advice aside, the Hans Christian Andersen characters react with appropriately over-wrought joy. We're all rooting for you to beat the odds you pathetic rat of a man, honest we are.

 Let the entire kingdom celebrate!

It's time to veer into uncomfortable territory as he asks the one that isn't Elsa (I'm sure she has a name, but come on, I ain't looking it up) if she's eighteen. We're about one awkward step away from "I can't control my horny level" full-on creeping. Luckily this goof is so physically unimposing the ladies can play it off as a joke and go into this bit about how "Princesses never tell their age." I don't know if that's true or not, but it's fine improvisation when faced with a potential supreme gentleman. 

The way "Elsa" will stay in character, it's impressive. She's almost as good as this one dude at the Renaissance fair who acts amazed and/or terrified toward all modern technologies, gives historically accurate answers to every question that isn't dismissed as "witch/heretic speak," talks about retaking Constantinople and demonstrates flails and war hammers by smashing watermelons with them. 

Now that we've established that Elsa is the older sister and thus more likely to be past the age of consent it's time to take a knee and present the ring. When it comes to watching a man kneeling on my China box, I think I had a more positive reaction to Colin Kaepernick. Considering the circumstances, the Princesses do a decent job of hiding their obvious discomfort and disgust. Whatever Disney pays them, it should be a lot more. Imagine, for example, if store clerks were expected to be comically happy and deeply enthusiastic for every customer, while at the same time behaving in a special affected way that isn't their real personality. You probably can't imagine that, because it's what's waiting in Heaven.  

Can that funny snowman character show you out while you still have some remaining dignity?

The Snow Queen even cites events from the movie "Frozen" to back up the rejection, noting that she can't marry someone she "just met," even if that person is a handsome Prince for fictional Russia with the serial numbers filed off and not a hoodie-wearing degenerate. She even invites him to "hang out" in her fantasy kingdom sometime, but let's start with a super awkward picture, shall we? I'm talking double hover-hands. And, to be perfectly frank, there's enough separation that we might be seeing orbit hands. Good grief. Life has completely kicked your ass, dude. Let it go.

I'll stand behind you in cruciform, women love that.

An unseen woman announces this is also being video-taped, because this is clearly a moment you'll want to relive over and over. More beta body language, the decrepit light jacket has Mickey Moose on it...there's more but I'm through with this. Time to send us home smiling with the best YouTube comment section ever. I'm dead serious.

Komment Korner  

I couldn't watch the whole thing, this shit had me clutching my chest and grinding my teeth... oh fuck...

"are you 18" its a place for childred fgs. leave the creepy shit out you weird balding loser

General Hoverhands, reporting for duty.

Man, imagine having a job where you have to play along and be nice to these weirdo creeps.

yo why is everyon hatin yo this guys a boss yo keep up the good work yo i tried to fuck tinkerbell yo

Damn that elsa was smooth af being able to come up with that on the spot. GGWP.

make it stop, dear god

this is what 2pac was working on before he died

keep trying. maybe itll work next time. be sure to record it and upload it next time again so the whole world can see you!

Well, final commentator, we know that's not gonna happen. He clearly learned his lesson, right?

Right???

No God, no!!!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Florida Man Demands Right to Wed Computer

Love, and more specifically the state of being "in" love, is the most important thing in the world. It should be celebrated while the horrified onlookers at least have the common courtesy to disguise their visceral disgust. And, as Frank Sinatra would tell you if he wasn't dead, love and marriage must go together. You can probably already see the smoking train wreck that this kind of mush-think leads to, but since you're not in charge of official policy, forget you. I'm marrying a computer.

Chris Sevier, a man from Florida, believes he should be allowed to wed his Macbook.

You had to know it was going to be one of those Mac people. Seriously, was there any doubt? No one wants to marry a Microsoft product, sorry.

Mr Sevier argues that if gays should be allowed to marry, then so should other sexual minorities.

Sure, whatever, let me stamp your hand.

Mr Sevier states he has fallen in love with a pornography laden computer.

Based on the financial might of the Fornication-Industrial complex it would appear that this puts you in the sexual majority, actually.

“Over time, I began preferring sex with my computer over sex with real women,” he told a court in Florida.

If we ever change the motto on the dollar bill, this gets my vote for the new one.

Mr Sevier, who describes himself as “a former judge advocate and combat veteran”, is persistent, filing claims not only in Florida but also Utah.

"When I was over there, in some foreign land, defending a people that hated me, trying to live one more day, it was my love for electronic onanism that kept me going. Getting back to my beloved computer, loading facial-destruction videos and self-abusing like a madman...that's what saved my life in that horrible war."

The Utah claim, which in reality is an attempt to throw a spanner in the works of a gay marriage case in the federal court, runs to 50 pages.

Whoa, wait a minute. Is this some sort of reductio ad absurdum? It better not be!

The bigoted, evil counter-position from the religious fundamentalist monsters.

If gays feel as is they are second class citizens, Mr Sevier argues then “those of us in the real minority, who want to marry machines and animals, certainly feel like third class citizens”.

This is a lot less fun to comment on when it turns into an obvious allegory that's supposed to make some sort of hard to grasp (LOL HARD, see still funny, haw haw) point.

Mr Sevier apparently sought a marriage licence for himself and his “machine spouse”, but for some reason was denied.

For some obscure reason it didn't happen.

"There's no law against it!" 

"Actually there is. It's right here in the very first paragraph."

"Oh."

Mr Sevier cites legal precedents around the world - including a case where a woman married a dolphin and a Chinese man wed a cardboard cutout of himself.

Looks like that Chinese "One Child Policy" is working out great.

“If there is a risk that is posed to traditional marriage and children, both man-man couples and man-machine couples pose it equally.

"Westworld is not a threat to the family unit, and besides, nothing could possibly go wrong."

Unfortunately for Mr Sevier, the courts in Florida and Utah, found his legal arguments unpersuasive.

Somehow keeping a straight face while you described your future wedded bliss hammering the bishop to Fem Dom J.O. instruction videos might have helped.

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Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.