News You Can't Use: Brazen Booze Thief Busted

Paying for your "booze" to create "black outs" is a bit of a trick bag, but what other options are there? Well, for a semi-literate piece of human garbage who believes there's a divine hand behind making bond after being arrested for theft, the solution is obvious. You just steal, get your wrist slapped and even gain minor "celebrity" courtesy of your horrible behavior that damages society. I mean, we've all winced at those ridiculous Gray Goose price tags, so this scumbag is sort of like a hero or something. This is civil disobedience against the high cost of "gettin' yo goose on."

A Louisiana woman yesterday surrendered to police after video of her brazen theft of booze from a Shreveport liquor store was released by a local crime stoppers group.

"Gentlemen, I have something to confess. I stole those bottles of night train. I now take up the suffering so my soul can be purified and redeemed in the crucible of just punishment."

Sekonie Jones, 37, was booked on a misdemeanor theft charge and subsequently bonded out of jail.

Well, it's not like we can punish everyone and we need to make room for political criminals.

As seen in the above surveillance footage, Jones last week swiped numerous bottles of alcohol from the Thrifty Discount Liquor & Wines store. It appears that security personnel were familiar with Jones since cameras began following her upon her entrance into the business.

Despite this vigilance, a morbidly obese woman with an I.Q. somewhere in the seventies was still able to pull off this incredible caper.

Jones--wearing a t-shirt with the words “Too Glam To Care”--stuffed bottles in her bag, bra, and underwear. Jones appears to have been aided by a younger woman.

I love the New York Dolls and I really don't care what you think about that.

The investigators were familiar with Jones since her lengthy rap sheet includes convictions for disturbing the peace; criminal damage; driving without a license; drinking in public; and five separate theft cases.

I'm sure she'll learn her lesson this time, unlike the previous fifty arrests.

In a Facebook post Wednesday, Jones declared that, “I hustle that's what I do ain't nobody gone give me SHIT.” She added, “please mind ur business and stay out mines please I'm going to turn myself in and bond out like I have before.”

Another public school success story.

In posts this morning, Jones wrote, “it s true what I did and it is what it is never did I think it would be this big” and “Lord i wake up i got 125 friend request, 2different news reporters want an interview with me ppl was willing to bond me out,lord I never would have thought this would end up like this.”

Friend requests and offers to fill local news slots with "look at this human horror show" train-wreck interviews? Truly, we have witnessed the Just Hand of God.

Full Article. 

Komment Korner    

wow.. she sure sounds proud of her ... celebrity is it?

What a waste of oxygen, and tax dollars, and skin... lots of skin.

I hang people for a living. It's what I do.

Based on what I can see, it's CLEAR that she rarely hustles anywhere.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Teen Tricked Oklahoma Walmart Managers Out Of Nearly $30,000

I'm not sure if a story about some punk kid ripping off big boxes under obvious false pretenses destroys my little remaining faith in our youth or completely restores it. Maybe call it a draw? Either way, this caper has "wacky Hollywood comedy that glorifies evil" written all over it.

A 17-year-old scammed 3 Oklahoma Walmart stores out of nearly $30,000, reports KFOR-TV.

This is why you're wrong, Grandpa. This story proves not all of us whippersnappers are lazy.  Sure we're deceitful and amoral monsters, but we're not afraid to put the shoulder to the criminality grindstone.

Police say the teen, whose name is not being released because he is a juvenile, conned the managers of those stores into thinking he was an employee.

The old "pretend to be an employee" trick. Ask a government worker for more information on how that one is done.

At a Walmart in Moore, the teen “acted as if he was a general manager from another store,” says the police report. He told the managers he was doing an inventory before corporate higher ups came to inspect them after the holidays.

"Dude, I mean sir, I'm General Manager Van Halen and it's very important I go through all the money for like, holiday inspection or whatever."

Surveillance cameras recorded the teen all alone in the cash room where he took “multiple bundles of cash, stuffing them inside his pockets and clothes,” says the report.

So in other words he acted the way most legitimate management does, perhaps somewhat more blatantly.

He allegedly showed up in uniform and nametag at a store in Edmond, where he worked a register and pocketed $3,000.

Well, he's got a name tag. That's enough proof for me. Leave him alone in the cash room for a few hours.

I don't like these new greeters they're using.

Authorities say he had a uniform and nametag because he had worked at a Walmart in Oklahoma city…before he was fired for stealing.

This must be one of those "patterns" that those super genius guys on the electronic toilet use to solve crimes.

Komment Korner  

Given his obvious mental capacity, they ought to give a light sentence and pay his college tuition. He might do some good for the world.

He was just getting seed money to start his hedge fund.

He's a prime candidate for a long career as a Wall St "investment banker".

Obviously you are ignorant piece of garbage

Good going, young one! Very proud of you!

Shill Section

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read a free excerpt here.

His first novel The Foolchild Invention is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here