News You Can't Use: Forest Phototrap Snaps a Naked Man High on LSD Who Thinks He is a Tiger

I'm sure all three of my regular readers will be thrilled to learn that I didn't get spirit cooked and the long absence was actually caused by a combination of technical issues with the old sex-box and blatant laziness. In any case, I'm back and better than ever (Disclaimer: not actually a true statement). And what better way to resume the mantle as the best source of Real News than with a story from Poland about some guy that took The Ticket, had a freak-out and was caught on camera frolicking naked in the forest? Kids, just say "no" to hallucinogens.

The man, identified only as Marek H, is believed to have been high on LSD after taking the psychedelic drug to treat his depression.

He is believed to have been high on LSD after taking LSD. Never change, semi-mainstream press, you're the best.

A phototrap caught a flash of the 21-year-old man running stark-naked on all fours through a forest in Poland.

If this doesn't finally lay to rest the remaining arguments about the need for cameras absolutely everywhere I don't know what will.

According to authorities, Marek, from the Czech Republic town of Liberec, discovered his “true personality” when he stripped naked and pretended to be a tiger.

When I said "be yourself" I wasn't suggesting you should take acid and become a human version of a Voltron leg, dudemar.

He explained how he believed he had become a Siberian tiger once the drug kicked in, which is when his “true personality woke up”.

It's possible, just possible, that getting blasted out of your mind on chemicals may lead to false ideas.

After mapping out his journey, cops realised the 21-year-old had travelled 25 kilometres (15.5miles) through forest which marks the Czech-Polish border in this way.

And this, class, is how the dope-head tiger refugee problem began in Europe.

At the time of his questioning, Marek did not have any drugs in his possession.

Being naked and all, that's probably a good thing.

In May this year, a man stripped naked and entered a lion enclosure in a Chilean zoo, prompting keepers to kill two lions.

Before there was Harambe there was this worthless moron in Chile.

The man, who was named locally as Franco Luis Ferrada Roman, was taken to a nearby hospital for treatment, and survived the incident.

Another highly uplifting tale about how we saved someone from their own idiocy.

After stripping and jumping down into the big cat enclosure, the lions pounced on him and began to “play” with the intruder, horrifying visitors.

I guess we were supposed to be talking about this naked Czech, but I get easily distracted by other vaguely related topics. Because I drink.

“It was from there that he jumped, took off his clothes and started to attract the lions.”

Another possibility for the opening sentence of the greatest novel ever written.

Full Article. 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Future of TV Could be Pills that make People Hallucinate Television Shows

If there's one aspect of our garbage culture that has staying power and isn't going anywhere it's definitely the electronic toilet. After all, what could be more satisfying than passively sitting in front of the glow-box absorbing the Right-Think from the five four giant monopolies that control the flow of information and are sure to sanitize it for your protection? Yes, this pastime of the fool, the lazy and the lazy fool is not going anywhere. Even if we need to start giving you the blue pill so you can wake up in television land, fat and happy in the vast wasteland.

The future of TV might everyone taking hallucinogenic drugs, according to the head of Netflix.

He's on the roof of the school fighting invisible snakes and try to fly, must be watching "television" again. Well, time for me to watch "Celebrity Dancing." *takes several tabs of acid*

The threats to the streaming TV company might not be Amazon or other streaming services, but instead “pharmacological” ways of entertaining people, Reed Hastings has said.

I'm pretty sure we already have those, dudemar. It's called "getting wasted."

In the same way that the cinema and TV screen made “the opera and the novel” much smaller, something else might be on the way to do the same thing, the Netflix boss said at a Wall Street Journal event.

Yes, books are now in the same category of cultural irrelevance as singing crying clown stories. Read it and weep, "am writing" newbs.

Those challenges could come from anywhere, he said. They might not be another form of screen: “Is it VR, is it gaming, is it pharmacological?” Mr Hastings asked the event.

Is it stagnation, lazy writing, endless offensive commercials, bland story-lines, pandering, lack of imagination, cookie-cutter ideas, intelligence insulting or the general trend of "this show ain no good neither?" No, clearly we need a virtual reality world to properly display the staggering artistic vision of "Big Brother: Canada."

He went on to say that it might be possible that in the coming years someone will develop a drug that will make people get the same experiences that at the moment come from streaming services like Netflix.

Yeah, if only someone would develop this so-called "hallucinogen." PCP and chill, anyone?

Apparently making reference to The Matrix, he said that we might be able to take one pill to escape into a hallucination and then another to come back.

Not sure how you'd take the come back pill while doing what the scientific community refers to as "tripping balls" but these ideas are so compelling and well-conceived I'll give you a pass.

“In twenty or fifty years, taking a personalized blue pill you just hallucinate in an entertaining way and then a white pill brings you back to normality is perfectly viable,” Mr Hastings said.

Twenty, fifty, whatever "the future," you get the idea. We'll finally create a way to have entertaining delusions. Maybe next we'll invent something that might be called "buzz juice" that you drink to lower inhibitions and create a pleasurable numbness.

Mr Hastings didn’t indicate whether or not Netflix would look to make such drugs itself, or how it would fend off any companies that did. But it does sound a little like something out Black Mirror, which Netflix is showing the new season of at the moment.

See, TeeVee is actually educational. Keep watching, you drooling moron.

Full Article.
 

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.