News You Can't Use: Future of TV Could be Pills that make People Hallucinate Television Shows

If there's one aspect of our garbage culture that has staying power and isn't going anywhere it's definitely the electronic toilet. After all, what could be more satisfying than passively sitting in front of the glow-box absorbing the Right-Think from the five four giant monopolies that control the flow of information and are sure to sanitize it for your protection? Yes, this pastime of the fool, the lazy and the lazy fool is not going anywhere. Even if we need to start giving you the blue pill so you can wake up in television land, fat and happy in the vast wasteland.

The future of TV might everyone taking hallucinogenic drugs, according to the head of Netflix.

He's on the roof of the school fighting invisible snakes and try to fly, must be watching "television" again. Well, time for me to watch "Celebrity Dancing." *takes several tabs of acid*

The threats to the streaming TV company might not be Amazon or other streaming services, but instead “pharmacological” ways of entertaining people, Reed Hastings has said.

I'm pretty sure we already have those, dudemar. It's called "getting wasted."

In the same way that the cinema and TV screen made “the opera and the novel” much smaller, something else might be on the way to do the same thing, the Netflix boss said at a Wall Street Journal event.

Yes, books are now in the same category of cultural irrelevance as singing crying clown stories. Read it and weep, "am writing" newbs.

Those challenges could come from anywhere, he said. They might not be another form of screen: “Is it VR, is it gaming, is it pharmacological?” Mr Hastings asked the event.

Is it stagnation, lazy writing, endless offensive commercials, bland story-lines, pandering, lack of imagination, cookie-cutter ideas, intelligence insulting or the general trend of "this show ain no good neither?" No, clearly we need a virtual reality world to properly display the staggering artistic vision of "Big Brother: Canada."

He went on to say that it might be possible that in the coming years someone will develop a drug that will make people get the same experiences that at the moment come from streaming services like Netflix.

Yeah, if only someone would develop this so-called "hallucinogen." PCP and chill, anyone?

Apparently making reference to The Matrix, he said that we might be able to take one pill to escape into a hallucination and then another to come back.

Not sure how you'd take the come back pill while doing what the scientific community refers to as "tripping balls" but these ideas are so compelling and well-conceived I'll give you a pass.

“In twenty or fifty years, taking a personalized blue pill you just hallucinate in an entertaining way and then a white pill brings you back to normality is perfectly viable,” Mr Hastings said.

Twenty, fifty, whatever "the future," you get the idea. We'll finally create a way to have entertaining delusions. Maybe next we'll invent something that might be called "buzz juice" that you drink to lower inhibitions and create a pleasurable numbness.

Mr Hastings didn’t indicate whether or not Netflix would look to make such drugs itself, or how it would fend off any companies that did. But it does sound a little like something out Black Mirror, which Netflix is showing the new season of at the moment.

See, TeeVee is actually educational. Keep watching, you drooling moron.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Rise of the Synthetic-High Zombies

With the quick and tidy victory we've enjoyed in the War on Drugs, a war that was every bit as successful as you'd expect a conflict with an inanimate object or abstract concept to be, it's a little surprising that today's story involves dope-head zombies created by the deadly new designer compound "spice." Yes, spice. I know it sounds like something from a Walker: Texas Ranger episode of maybe that one special episode of 90210 (Brandon trips balls on spice and learns the value of the rational mind) but trust me, it's very real and it's leaving registered Democrats lying. Yeah, there's that part, too. Instead of trying to eat the flesh of the living or wander to a shopping mall driven by primal instincts these ghouls just collapse motionless, which really makes them more like an ordinary young person from Generation Nothing than the amazing rotting triathletes you see in your typical living corpse film.

Authorities in several Florida cities have seen an increase in emergency calls related to people being slumped over in a stupefied state, as they have overdosed on the dangerous drug known as spice, or synthetic marijuana.  

The fake victims of fake green, left slumped over after buying one of those semi-legal gas station packets located at the counter next to the hangover remedies. Now the nightmare of marijuana overdoses, which has already claimed millions of lives, spills over into its artificial but deadly cousin.

Police in Tampa say that more people than ever before are overdosing on the drug, as investigators in Clearwater say they've received dozens of calls for people who have had to be rushed to the hospital because of suspected spice use.

Numbers? It's a lot more than it used to be, that's for sure. Dozens of calls, societal collapse, the failure of those Arsenio Hall specials to prevent this, etc.

A disturbing photo from the Clearwater Police Department taken at Crest Lake Park shows two people slumped over and one person laying on the ground, as it's suspected they had used Spice. 

It's either that or some new god-awful punk young person fad. Either way, bad news.

Planking is so 2009, everyone's into table comas now.

In addition, a video taken at the same park on Wednesday by Major Eric Gandy of the Clearwater Police Department shows him trying several times to speak to unresponsive individuals about how long ago they had taken spice.  

Watch a civil servant get paid to have a one-sided conversation with ruined spice islanders.

'What's your name?' Gandy can be heard asking several times on the video. Eventually, one of the men responds by saying, 'my name?'

You better come down from your spaceship and land, son.

'The spike that we're seeing and my personnel are dealing with on the road are unprecedented,' Gandy told WFLA. 'Looked like one of our zombie movies.'

When hell is full the dead will lie around passively in public spaces, completely unresponsive.

'It's mainly the homeless people that are using this drug,' Freeland claims, as he believes they are using something stronger than spice called 'That Disney' or 'FloKKA'. 

Please talk to your kids about That Disney before someone else does.

'They go buy this drug with money that people give them and then go sit around our parks and other places.

Just another typical day under President Bernie Sanders.

'You wonder when somebody's going to have a heart attack and die from some of these substances.'

It's gotta cross your mind, dude. When are we gonna get that heart attack and death, I don't even know.

Authorities say they are trying to find a solution to the increase of spice-related cases, as they are teaming up to work on a solution to fix the problem.

Get ready for a series of animated commercials featuring a talking frog warning the people of the dangers of FloKKA.

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Komment Korner  

It says to me that one is asleep leaning on the bench. The girl is leaning over and on her mobile.. and the one lay down is catching some rays... nothing wrong here....

You people are all up for people doing all kinds of dope, don't interfere, it's people's choice, bla bla bla.... except when you don't want it eh?

Passed out on drugs canal full of gators nearby, what could go wrong.

You know, sometimes after reading about all the crap that goes on in the world, I just want to move to Mongolia and live in a yurt.

That looks like me at my job everyday

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: Driver Who Asked Jesus To Take The Wheel Hit Motorcyclist

Holding on to the wheel of a car is extremely difficult and painful, the sort of long dark night that often forces one to offer sincere prayers to the Creator of the Universe. That or just tell the Unmoved Mover to take the wheel because you think you saw a mostly undamaged Frito in the cracks of the passenger side seat and diving after that is more important than, say, not turning your car into a deadly weapon. Into this equation add a motorsickle riding organ donor with their patented "Eh, looks like I'm gonna die" attitude and you have the sort of story guaranteed to offend everyone except nihilist mass transit riders and who really cares about them.

Usually when someone says “Jesus take the wheel” it’s meant to help them through a rough patch in life.

That or when the Mexican racing team needs to switch drivers at the halfway point.

But police say an Indiana woman took the phrase literally on July 11th, when she took her hands off the steering wheel as she was driving.

If there's one disclaimer that belongs on almost every spiritual issue, it's "don't take this literally."

The Fort Wayne Journal-Gazette reports 25-year-old Prionda Hill told authorities she let go of the wheel because “God told her he would take it from here.”

"Okay Prionda, I'm done creating that nebula from nothing and populating a planet a few million light years from Earth with a complete ecosystem, I guess my "CEO of the Universe" duties can wait while I help you out with various banal tasks."

Unfortunately for Anthony Olivery, her car veered off the road and slammed into his motorcycle, throwing him to the ground. Then the car ran over him.

Clearly "bad luck" is the culprit and not almost unbelievable stupidity.

“When I looked at that bumper and looked at that tire, I told myself, today is the day you die,” he told the paper.

Ordinarily I'd be skeptical of this stoic calm in the face of death, but again, motorsickle rider. Every time you get on that "hog" you must be thinking "Yeah, this will probably kill me. I'm fine with that" while making sure to evade those tyrannical helmet laws.

The accident broke all of Olivery’s ribs on his left side, cut his spleen, bruised his kidney and caused severe injuries to his left arm and leg.

It was the least serious motorcycle accident that we have a record of.

Hill kept on going, according to court records, hitting a pickup truck twice and only stopping when her car crashed into an island between two fast food restaurants several blocks away from where she struck Olivery. Officials say she told officers she had a prescription for Vicodin.

So she's basically a dopehead and this cover story about "Take the wheel, Jehovah!" was the best excuse her addled mind could create on short notice.

This is some solid irony.

Hill was arrested and charged with failure to stop after an accident and criminal recklessness with a deadly weapon.

Sorry we added a bunch of irrelevant shaggy dog nonsense to a very straightforward "scumbag does drugs, injures man on sui-cycle" story.

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Komment Korner   

I blame Hollywood for giving weak minds the idea that "magic" actually happens.

Probably a senior Obama adviser

What's up with the title of this article referencing Jesus. Obama clearly stated that "we are no longer a Christian nation". The article itself only references God. The separation between Church and Everything Else has been violated here.

The problem here is bad theology.

Piglosi is a hypocrite, and so are her defenders... IE YOU

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.