News You Can't Use: Pennsylvania Prison Inmate’s Selfie Sparks Investigation

What Jeffrey Mattox posted on Facebook on Jan. 25 is now under investigation.

What could be causing this? Did he post a political opinion that would have been considered far left in 2007 but is now considered hate thought? A tiger selfie? Mild PG-13 nudity? One of the billions of comments, images or "likes" that is forbidden by our ruling plutocrats? As it turns out, the truth is both much less and so very much more. Okay, it's just less.

The problem is Mattox is a federal inmate housed at Lackawanna County Prison and he is not supposed to have a cell phone.

But how can our worst human beings serve their "dime" without that convenience: "I'm in my cell right now. Meet me in the exercise yard near the jungle gym. Yeah, bring that improvised stabbing device." This punishment is unusual and very cruel.

Yet, he posted the following: “This is 170 pounds of twisted steel and sex appeal.”

It's hard to get too angry when it's got a Pro Wrestling promo caption. This the body that the women love and the men love...to fear. Cough.

“It’s scary, it’s actually scary because they’re in there for a reason, they’re not in there to play around and how that cell phone got in there, that is the question,” said Colleen Mowery of Carbondale.

Well, I don't know. Maybe Angry Birds is teaching them the ultimate destructive futility of uncontrolled emotions and that one where you crush the candy is good for instilling useful job skills or something.

Mattox posted other pictures of himself, which appear to be snapped inside the prison.

Yeah. One would assume, what with the incarceration and all.

Mattox, who is locked up on drug and assault charges, regularly chatted with friends and family here, telling them to call him or even video chat.

Another non-violent drug offender wrongly imprisoned by a corrupt system. Wait, what did you say the other crime was? Oh.

Thick, solid and tight here in the jug.

This is the latest scandal to hit the Lackawanna County Prison.

Wow, it's almost like putting humans in cages doesn't fix anything.

“I think he’s in good with the guards and guards are bringing, the ones bringing the stuff in, that’s the only way it’s getting in there. Just got to tighten down the security with the guards, maybe clean house,” said Todd Mowery of Carbondale.

This clearly unrehearsed, rambling statement raises many excellent points.

Full Article. 

Komment Korner   

Apparently there are no mirrors in prison! 

I’m 61 years old and I look in waaaaay better shape than that criminal.

The solution is simple: cheap and easy ‘blocking’ technology could be easily installed.

Sadly, Jail and prison guards are not paid a decent wage and a small percentage of them lose their moral compass and offset their low pay with contraband like cell phones and even drugs.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

Which Way Books #22: The Champ of TV Wrestling

Exploring an avarice fantasy via the always reliable Twist-a-Plot vehicle apparently left such a bad impression that several months have passed without any of my very good and necessary reviews of something that couldn't be more culturally irrelevant. Fortunately I'm coming back with a good one: Pro Rasslin'! Break down the cockpit doors, Barbara and Scott Siegel! *snort* ASSUME THE CONTROLS. Put this sucker into the nosedive of lazy sarcasm and pretentious elitism toward something intended for eighties children. And right before the crash you'll realize you're not far from PARTS UNKNOWN. And by that, of course, I mean let's get to the page flipping.

And hey, this is a high number Which Way release, so certainly the story-telling and writing quality will have evolved considerably and the creators certainly won't be farming things out to talent poor husband-wife teams. Major spoiler: wrong. 

Before I started owning factories you could find my sexy body dominating in the squared circle.

In fine Which Way tradition I'm galvanized into action and adventure by an issue with the old moron box. At least this time the reception is good, but there's another issue, arguably far worse. The world's worst human being, Carl the Colossus has acquired the ten pounds of gold through nefarious means and is now all up on my tube, calling the fans idiots and bashing the local sports team or whatever. I decide to dedicate my life to overthrowing the usurped reign of this vile rule-breaker.

Yeah, that's the story. I'm an adult who thinks the spandex ballet is real and honestly believe it's my duty as a good citizen to defeat the baddie with the belt. How, you're probably wondering, does this book think one would accomplish this ridiculous modern version of Don Quixote quest? The answer is nothing short of amazing: jogging, jumping rope, swimming and practicing my holds (i.e. putting my puny little brother in "sleepers" and "scorpion deathlocks"). Yes, friends, this is how you do it. No acting classes, no practicing doing the moves in a cooperative fashion in a wrestling school, no needle drugs, just jog a little. Don't even run fast, it's fine.

I got this physique by doing some light cardio and eating vegetables.

After this rigorous preparation for the Testosterone Soap Opera I'll probably have to start small, right? Well, no, it's right in front of 20,000 "marks" to prove my skills in a legitimate, real fight against either future business magnate and kinky lover Vampire Vic or 500 pound Awesome Al. Yes, the new guy even gets to pick his opponent. Man, this whole "TV Wrestling" thing is the easiest, best job in the world.

Not wishing to be battered with floggers and forced to scream out the safe word in the throes of ecstasy that's described with terrible prose by the blood-drinking industrialist I instead opt to take on the quarter-tonner. Honestly, this is America, is five bills really even all that unusual? I guess hyper-obesity was more of a novelty in 1986. Still, considering this guys awful physique and terrible gimmick (I've got an alliterative name!) one would think the fresh face would get the push from good old booker man.

Wrestled after "Interview" and before "Twilight," jobbed to everyone.

My "this guy will break his own ankles or have a cardiac event just from moving around while my excellent light exercise conditioning will carry me to victory" expectation proves to be overly optimistic when A.A. proves surprisingly athletic, dodging my lame amateur wrestling shot attempt. Next thing I know I'm eating a "knee drop." You'd think having that much weight collapsing on your spinal column would quickly spell the end, but I'm not even hurt and quickly bust out some UFC submission holds on this guy, things like poking my chin into the guys shoulder, creating crippling mild discomfort. Got you now, sucker!

At this point Al starts whispering instructions, which in reality would have been going on the entire "match," but in this book's universe kayfabe is alive and well. He wants me to lose on purpose, or in other words put on a professional, excuse me, TV, wrestling match. Oddly enough he insists the need for this cooperation is to catch a criminal in the arena, rather than saying "Hey dumbass, this is supposed to be fake, stop making me look bad and do the j-o-b." 

I'll do some skip rope and then defeat Hulk Hogan in a real fight.

I decide to "smarten up" and go along with the show, probably at least somewhat embarrassed that I was so gullible. Next he'll tell me the champion doesn't really care about local sports and is just calling us poorly educated sharecroppers so we'll buy tickets to see him get comeuppance. Everything was a lie, next those Santa truthers will wreck that. Of course, we all know wrestling is entirely above board, so my corpulent rival promptly "shoots" on me by flinging me into orbit. Yes. At least the book treats this as lighthearted fun and doesn't describe how I literally explode and die a horrific and meaningless high altitude death just because I noticed the two hate-filled enemies in the ring seem to be cooperating with each other to do the moves.

It's still real to me.

One would think the wacky world of "sports entertainment" would lend itself to some goofy fun, but the end result was disappointing. The clear contempt for the subject matter (TV Wrestling? You can't call it by its real name?) and the reader shines through, as if the writers thought they were too good for the topic, but hey, there's money to be made. I'd call this a lost opportunity, insofar as failing to adequately depict "to be the man, you've got to beat the man" fantasies qualify for "That could've been something incredible! If only!"

Got angry at bad guy politicans, did some jogging, jump rope and real estate business.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.    

DotTeeVee: Buying Beer With Fake IDs

What is a fake ID and how does it work? Before watching this amazing video my answers were "I don't know" and "I have a level of ignorance deeper than simply not knowing, which not only represents zero knowledge but might actually cause the loss of information I already know," respectively. Now, thanks to watching the antics of a "NYU" student I can proudly tell you that the real correct answers are "an incorrectly sized forgery of an out-of-state license" and "It works by finding lazy, corrupt and/or stupid individuals working at convenience stores."

A cunning artifice that can fool all but the most well-trained eyes.

Cool, bass-heavy music plays as the video's sketchy protagonist displays his collection of ersatz identifications. Wackiness quickly ensues as we find ourselves inside one of those "gulp 'n' blows" with our hero selecting a single bottle of "Fosters" and attempting to purchase it with a Kentucky driver's license that's approximately the size of a business envelope. Meanwhile, his friend who is filming it offers hearty Ed McMahon style laughter. None of this phases the counter man, who looks like he's entering hour 89 of a 123 hour shift.

Is this some sort of allegory?

After scanning the giant license (if it was from Texas, it would at least have been believable) the clerk decides it's good. However, the craziness is just getting started as the payment comes in the form of a miniature credit card, producing more laughter from his side-kick while I cling to my sides to prevent them from splitting. We just failed to purchase a can of beer. Rock and roll. 

Meanwhile his peers are partying, but this is a far better way to spend one's salad days. I regret I can't go back in time and relive my late teens this way. The question "What is best in life" finally has a good answer. The American dream has come true and you're looking at it.

...and they don't take undersized American Express.

We get a debriefing outside the store where what just transpired is explained for the benefit of those who suffer from that memory condition where your memory resets every thirty seconds like in that one movie one time. This scene is completely stolen by a man in the background who starts shaking his groove thing, yeah yeah. The shot is framed in such a way to suggest this was pre-planned, but the part of me that still believes in Pro Wrestling, the Tooth Fairy and the Republican Party wants to believe in this, too.

What, you mean it isn't common practice to incorrectly center the subject?

As every good scientist knows, when they're not lying to us, experiments must be repeated to have any value. So here we go again, new store, new clerk, same Australian beer. I guess they thought there was just something inherently humorous about that particular product choice. "Always a good choice," as the guy who spends Friday night filming himself failing to buy cans of it puts it.

Yes, this show actually was entertaining once, in the distant past.

More quality human interaction goes down, only this time it's not so easy. The undersized identification is actually rejected, despite a claim it's the "key chain" version. However, Big Kentucky proves as reliable as ever, even after much scrutiny from the Asian-American working the register. "Does this one work?" they ask as everyone now seems in on the joke here. Still, the beer is successfully purchased. We have just witnessed a crime.

It says you were born in the Year of the Rabbit.

The nonsense we just witnessed might as well be a National Geographic documentary compared to the ending, which features "stealing" beer (Fosters, naturally) by just walking right out the door with it and then atoning for the bad karma incurred by giving it to a suspiciously well-dressed and clean "homeless" man, who seems to be living with his homeless wife under a pillar. Granted, this is New York, home of CHUDs and violence gangs and Obama's America has ensured across the board poverty, but it still seems unbelievable. These videos are making me a cynic.

America's CEOs accept poverty rather than putting the burden on the middle class.

Komment Korner  

America's youth are well formed all right.. lol

lol I didn't at first

Thank you for this intelligent response.  

No, you are in fact dumber. 

you just went full retard

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.