News You Can't Use: One Third of Young US Adults are too Fat to Join the Military

Hello young person from generation nothing. I'm sure you're eager to go over to Iran or maybe shoot your fellow citizens in a food riot. Well, not so fast there, lard-o. The growing problem of fatty boom batties is now apparently becoming a national security issue. Sorry, having a physique like the Kool Aid Man just isn't ideal for the war on [whatever the national boogeyman becomes next]. We're forced to actually tell young people that they're going to die on their own from morbid obesity and as such don't need any help from a police action. Fortunately, we've got a "this is a bad thing" article to lament this problem so let's start with the wailing.

The nation's obesity epidemic is causing significant recruiting problems for the military, with one in three young adults nationwide too fat to enlist, according to report issued Wednesday by a group of retired military leaders. 

Here we thought all those video game war/murder simulators would improve readiness and promote jingoism, but instead the non-stop sitting and snacking have severely damaged our ability to drop and give twenty, climb walls, run while loaded down with ammunition and all those other things that help win hearts and minds in rock deserts and steppe wastelands.

The nonprofit, non-partisan group called Mission: Readiness (Military Leaders for Kids) is promoting healthy school lunches in Kansas and across the nation as a way to combat the problem.

Non-partisan. "We don't care what cause young people die for, as long as they're dying." Eat this carrot, it will help you eat lead when you're older.

In Kansas, 29 percent of teenagers are overweight, according to figures it cites from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Sorry Toto, Dorothy is a shut-in confined to a bed the size of a Thanksgiving Day float.

Obesity is among the leading causes of military ineligibility among people ages 17 to 24, the report notes. Others are a lack of adequate education, a criminal history or drug use.

I was so doped-up, poorly educated and criminal I couldn't figure which end of the gun was the dangerous one to point at democracy's enemies.

All those put together mean that 71 percent of Kansans are ineligible for military service, according to the group.

New Kansas State motto: To the stars through gorging on fatty foods, failing out of school, shooting up and committing crimes.

Schmader, who retired from the military after 32 years and now lives near Leavenworth, is among a group of retired military leaders who has been going to schools around the state promoting healthier lifestyles.

"Good news, class! A general who presided over some losing wars three decades ago is here to tell you to eat your greens!"

About 99 percent of the schools in Kansas have adopted healthier meals under the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010, which requires more fruit, vegetables and whole grains in school meals, along with less sodium, sugar and fat.

In unrelated news there's now a massive junior high black market for Ding Dongs and Ho Hos.

First Lady Michelle Obama lobbied largely behind the scenes for the Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010.

Well, we've got the hunger-free part settled, at least.

Schmader lauded her efforts, but said his non-partisan group of military leaders had been pushing for healthier school meals long before the first lady got involved.

We wanted to feed kids tasteless garbage to prepare them to be sacrificed on the altar of war BEFORE it was cool or fashionable.

Full Story.

Komment Korner

I'm a conservative

I was following the diet of lisa plog and I ended up losing 22 pounds.

Why would anyone WANT to join the military right now?  

t never ceases to amaze me how many fat women are dressed in uniforms when i go to lunch every day. And yes, fat guys too.

at least they are not staying at home sucking welfare through the system.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Michelle O’s ‘Healthy’ Lunches Going to the Pigs - Literally

I knew this was gonna be a winner just from the headline. Scare quotes? The word literally, which according to the dictionary can mean almost anything? Yes, this is going to be an incredible story of what happens when a program to save our bloated nation fails miserably and must be reverted to swill. In a way it's brilliant: take the food no one wants and feed it to the most magically delicious animal in the entire world. Yucky vegetables and disgusting fruits transformed through digestive and butchering alchemy into delicious bacon, pork, sausage and who knows what other money meats. In another, more realistic way it's sad and pathetic, but let's take a glass half full attitude toward the current race to the bottom.

There’s one group of young eaters who like Michelle Obama’s school lunch program: pigs.

No, not you chubby. I mean literal (the first definition, not the one where it means it isn't literal) mud rolling sources of delicious stored calories. My mouth is already watering contemplating the inefficient transfer of potential energy when I bite into a First Lady fed swine product.

New Mexico’s Galloping Grace Youth Ranch is accepting fruits and vegetables thrown away by students at several elementary schools in the Rio Rancho area and collects some five tons per week.

Maybe the legendary efficiency and concern for detail of our federal government has been slightly exaggerated.

“It’s really whatever they don’t eat coming off of their trays, so when they get up to the trash cans they will scrape it into one of our buckets that we pick up on a daily basis,” ranch CEO Max Wade tells KRQE.

Thank you for explaining this complicated process, I was really struggling to form a mental image. Generation Nothing fills the can with wasted food, off to the pig farm. Got it.

Speaking of the pigs, goats and chickens gobbling up the students’ castaways, Wade says, “If you think about it, it’s a fresh salad bar every day. Fruits and vegetables and they love it.”

With enough rationalization the coming meltdown seems like a blessing. If you think about it, stealing the copper wires from derelict industry is a form of recycling! If you think about it, lying to receive benefits is a sort of karmic adjustment!

To underscore the point, he’s talking about the farm animals, not the school children.

Yeah, we got it. I guess it's my fault for still wearing that "Traditional Conservative, Please Use Small Words and Repeat Yourself Often" sign around my neck.

The goats prefer romaine lettuce, some pigs like grapes while others will eat “anything.” The chickens like the dinner rolls.

When not eating rusted tin cans goats are the food snobs of the animal kingdom.

It left me too weak to resist common core math.

Earlier this year, a New York district estimated its students throw away 85 percent of their fruits and vegetables.

How well the imitation wadded beef is doing remains unknown.

“If we cut up 20 pounds of cucumbers, we guess that 17 pounds get thrown away. I’ve watched kids take their cup of vegetables or fruit they’re required to take and just throw it away.”

"Man, that global starvation is like so not cool, dude. Let me go throw away some food now."

The Nebraska Farmers Union was working to partner with Lincoln-area schools to collect discarded food to fuel a worm farm, known as vermiculture.

Yet another worm farm success story.

Some 3,000 pigs at a Rhode Island hog farm scarf up uneaten fruits and vegetables, too.

I think I've given you enough isolated anecdotes to make the point.

Two Rhode Island districts – North Smithfield and Burrillville – that are sending their scraps to My Blue Heaven Farm. Both districts are participants in the National School Lunch Program, which is implementing the hated federal lunch rules.

Not to be confused with My Blue Heaven fantasy camp, where I went last year and had a great time pretending to be a mob informant relocated to a small California town. 

Full Story.

Komment Korner  

anything government puts their hands on gets destroyed... ruined...

Naaahhhh, those are just your peon kids, they will eat whatever their Dear Leader tells them to eat.

Perhaps they should move to Russia or China to see how well things work there.

To see what BHO has in mind for America google the 'Holodomor"

Just to clarify, we at Galloping Grace Youth Ranch do not feed the cafeteria scraps to the pigs, only to the chickens. The Federal Swine Act states that any meat products must be recooked prior to feeding pigs. We do collect fruit and vegetable discards from local grocery stores and food banks and feed this to them. In the end, we donate the pork back to local food banks and food pantries.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.