News You Can't Use: Judge Orders Mom Not to Get Pregnant Again

We live in a land of laws, no seriously stop laughing, and who better to interpret and enforce them than lawyers in black dresses? It just makes sense: spending your entire adult life finding ways to subvert and obfuscate plain language for your own selfish benefit is more than adequate preparation to become the defender of this sacred code in the twilight of your life. And if you maybe get a little wild with the rulings, that's to be expected and even praised. In New York City, where we don't play, sucker, the magistrates are ordering the world's worst scumbags not to have more children.

A western New York judge has ordered a mother not to get pregnant again until she is able to “get her life together” and become a responsible caretaker for her children, issuing the controversial decision after a fourth child was taken from the woman because of neglect.

It takes a special sort of "blank slate" madness to honestly believe someone like this is going to reform after a little tough talk and the court-ordered removal of a child she probably deeply resented as a burden. Maybe we should actually punish her instead of blowing hot air, but I guess offering a chance to take Strike Five is enough.

The woman, referred to in court documents as Brandy F., is a sex worker and drug addict who allegedly admitted to ingesting crack cocaine, methadone and alcohol while pregnant, Monroe County Family Court Judge Patricia Gallaher wrote in the December 27 decision.

Even by Big Apple standards this is a Bad Mother.

Her first child, born in 2007, has lived with his maternal grandmother after it was discovered he was “not protected from access to hypothermic needle."

Luckily an hilarious typo saves us from the grinding horror of urban rot and the broken humans it has swallowed up. Honestly, that needle is freezing, man! Get a coat on that sucker.

“Over and over this court has had to order children removed from the mother only to see her show up in court in a few months obviously pregnant, often by another man"

Yeah. Another man is generally required for the "where do babies come from" miracle.

In her ruling, Gallaher wrote that her goal was to allow Brandy to stabilize her life so she could one day have custody of her children.

Pollyanna shakes her head and tells you to start being a realist about this situation.

Brandy’s sons and daughter “would most probably rejoice in having [a] mother who was clean, sober and competent, and hopefully even would love them as a mother should love her children,” Gallaher wrote.

I'd most probably rejoice if I walked into my bedroom and Taylor Swift was waiting, naked and covered in various flavors of chocolate and ice cream, but that ain't happening either.

The judge, who retired in December, noted the responsibility to get Brandy back on track not only falls on the shoulders of the mother-of-four, who did not appear in court,  but also on caseworkers to offer family planning and contraception, as the law allows.

I'm literally giving a sermon to the walls. How about you case workers? You can fix this, right? I'm counting on you! *retires the next day*

Caseworkers cannot require a client to utilize family planning or contraception.

This might make that whole "carry it on your shoulders" thing a little difficult.

Ron Lugbill, Brandy’s attorney, told WHEC that they plan to appeal the decision.

It is absolutely essential that this drug-addicted prostitute has a fifth child, Idiocracy-style, and we're going to make sure it happens.

Abandoning your child is endangering the welfare of a child and it is a crime, not a constitutional right.

Whoa dude, let's wait until activist judges review this before we make this sort of outrageous statement.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

hypothermic needle?? what the hell is that?

People became 'hooked' on the Government 'Hand-Outs' which were not a 'Hand-Up' at all to the people that should have realized the true essence of the potential of the help.   

Kudows on the judge

Amanda Rooney.... maybe we can bring this up at the brown bag!

my gf's parents just got an almost new red Buick Regal GS only from working off a laptop.  


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

News You Can't Use: K2 'Zombies' at Brooklyn Intersection

There's a reason that New York City is the only city in America and quite possibly the world that actually matters and that reason is we just don't play, sucka. From Hello Kitty costume wearing junkies that will straight-up rush you, to mole people and of course the next President it's clear that living in The City is both no big deal and the biggest deal possibly imaginable, all at once. Stuff is so thick down here in Manny-Hanny that even fake dope users are a clear and present danger. Yes, abusers who can't even enter the Elmo Union are clearly no picnic, either. I heart sign this city so much it probably ain't even healthy.

A street corner in Brooklyn is one of the worst spots in the city for synthetic marijuana use, with users lighting up in broad daylight, passing out on sidewalks and stumbling out into traffic, according to reports.

Much like that episode of Degrassi Junior High where the prankster kid took vitamins and pretended to be high, except, I guess, slightly less humorous.

Even longtime residents of Bed-Stuy and Bushwick say drug use at the intersection of Broadway and Myrtle Avenue has reached “epidemic” levels.

I mean, "foughetta bout it." I've seen some crazy stuff during my time in the Earthly purgatory that is Bushwick, but these new placebo effect druggies are the absolute worst.

One man said: “I’ve lived here for more than 20 years, and it’s terrible now.”

Ten minutes to deadline, better quick whip-up a fake quote (for a story on fake dope!!!) that has no attribution whatsoever. That journalism school bunco, man.

Synthetic marijuana, also known as K2, is illegal to sell in New York City under legislation passed last fall amid a spike in use. But stores near Broadway and Myrtle are still dealing it — police have reportedly issued hundreds of summonses to store owners, according to a report in DNAinfo New York.

When we made it illegal we didn't, you know, think we'd have to do anything like go in stores or whatever. We were pretty sure the honor system would handle things in a city one bad day away from a return to a state of nature.

Lately, locals have been complaining about quality-of-life issues associated with the drug. 

"I barely felt anything at all from this hocus-pocus!"

New York City health officials issued warnings last spring after synthetic marijuana sent 160 people to hospitals in a little over a week.

There they were given sugar pills to treat the imaginary overdose effects.

The Death Wish vigilante probably doesn't agree.

“It’s an epidemic, every borough, every hood. Just look at the people on the corner, they look like zombies,” Trevor Tyrrell told DNAinfo.

I can handle cannibalistic underground dwellers, giant rats and roving violence gangs, but these zombies might be too much.

Last month a man with a dagger was shot and wounded by police in Bergen Beach, Brooklyn.

Yes, a dagger. Not unlike in "Mazes and Monsters." As a wizard it's the only weapon I'm allowed to use. These are my spells, I guard them with my life.

One teen who was at a rehab center at the time described the drug as a “big blackout.”

Not exactly the next Hunter S. Thompson, but it's the best we've got.

Full Article.

Komment Korner   

I’ve made $64,000 so far this year w0rking 0nline and I’m a full time student.

Doesn't unfettered liberalism bring about utopia?

60% of K8-K12 comprehension tested can not pass reading test. 60%... Only 43% can do math. We are sure doing a great job. But, they all know the size of Kardasians posterior.

They're obviously not the brighest among us but they are not doing anything in conflict with natural law.

I get paid £96 every hour from online jobs. I never thought I’d be able to do it

That's the spirit. Thinking hurts. Don't risk it. 


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: Homeopathy Conference Ends in Chaos after Delegates take Hallucinogenic Drug

We've all been to some wild homeopathy conferences. Who could forget the one where someone drank pure tap water and overdosed? Or that big seminar on how if Chiropractors can somehow obtain marginal legitimacy than it should be possible to convince people that these crazy ideas have some merit. Don't forget the time when the reflexologists were staying in the same hotel and the result was a weekend of crazy pranks involving the memory of fluids and the bottom of the foot. And, of course, today's subject where our favorite pseudo-scientists decided to take a drug that actually works, with disastrous consequences.

An alternative medicine conference has ended in chaos in Germany after dozens of delegates took a LSD-like drug and started suffering from hallucinations.

If there were any lingering doubts that "alternative medicine" was just code-word for snake oil scams and trying to find legal ways to drop acid I think we can lay them to rest.

Broadcaster NDR described the 29 men and women “staggering around, rolling in a meadow, talking gibberish and suffering severe cramps”.

These are the symptoms of what the medical-industrial complex that we heroically battle with our various frauds and trick bags describes as "tripping balls." And yes, don't forget the cramps, it's important to mention that tummy trouble when we've got Teutonic quack con-artists eating their own fingers and babbling incoherently in the world's ugliest language.

The group of "Heilpraktikers" was discovered at the hotel where they held their conference in the town of Handeloh, south of Hamburg, on Friday. 

"Heilpraktiker" sounds like someone who plays Hitler make-believe or maybe joins a neo-nazi group as undercover law enforcement (i.e. every single member) but the truth, as always, is even more amazing.

More than 150 medical staff, ambulances and police descended on the scene and took the raving delegates to hospital.
 
The cruelest irony is that now conventional western medicine that actually works, the mortal enemy of the conference goers, is deployed to cure their freak-out instead of a glass of water seeded with half a drop of anti-crazy.

Tests on their blood and urine revealed they had all taken hallucinogenic drug 2C-E, which is known as Aquarust in Germany and has been illegal there since the end of last year.

"As I stand here, the Champion of the World, I want the kids to know they can achieve anything if they work hard and never stop believing in themselves. And kids, just say no to 2C-E.

No one recovered sufficiently to be interviewed by police until Monday, a spokesperson said.

Probably because traditional medicine is all about making money and not about THE PEOPLE, man.

“One has to assume that people were not told about the substance, its effects and risks before taking it.” 

Then again we're talking about a credulity conference, so who knows.

Police are reportedly looking into possibilities including the drug being taken as a joint experiment, or it being furtively given to conference participants as a prank.

Yup, the old "give dangerous hallucinogenic compound to eccentrics" prank, always a winner.

The Association of German Healing Practitioners (VDH), which represents homeopaths as well as other naturopaths, quickly distanced itself from the embarrassment.

Get ready for the "Ve ver juss followink ORDERS!" defense.

“The organisers of this obscure conference are unknown to us and such events will not be tolerated by our Association,” a spokesperson said.

Our goofy make-believe sessions are highly legitimate and fully certified by a panel of wizards and alchemists.

“Unfortunately, the conference in Handeloh has severely damaged the image of the alternative medicine profession…and we have clarified that such acts are not in the spirit of natural therapy, and contradict our values both morally and legally."

An unbelievably pristine reputation for competence and legality may have suffered a small ding.

Full Article.

Komment Korner

Wonder if you'd ever see real doctors popping a few chemotherapy tablets at a conference...

Man, that homeopathy kicks butt! 

I guess they took a very small dose to make it more potent

one doesn't 'suffer' hallucinations one ENJOYS them

Probably the same stuff Angela Merkel took last week.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: One Third of Young US Adults are too Fat to Join the Military

Hello young person from generation nothing. I'm sure you're eager to go over to Iran or maybe shoot your fellow citizens in a food riot. Well, not so fast there, lard-o. The growing problem of fatty boom batties is now apparently becoming a national security issue. Sorry, having a physique like the Kool Aid Man just isn't ideal for the war on [whatever the national boogeyman becomes next]. We're forced to actually tell young people that they're going to die on their own from morbid obesity and as such don't need any help from a police action. Fortunately, we've got a "this is a bad thing" article to lament this problem so let's start with the wailing.

The nation's obesity epidemic is causing significant recruiting problems for the military, with one in three young adults nationwide too fat to enlist, according to report issued Wednesday by a group of retired military leaders. 

Here we thought all those video game war/murder simulators would improve readiness and promote jingoism, but instead the non-stop sitting and snacking have severely damaged our ability to drop and give twenty, climb walls, run while loaded down with ammunition and all those other things that help win hearts and minds in rock deserts and steppe wastelands.

The nonprofit, non-partisan group called Mission: Readiness (Military Leaders for Kids) is promoting healthy school lunches in Kansas and across the nation as a way to combat the problem.

Non-partisan. "We don't care what cause young people die for, as long as they're dying." Eat this carrot, it will help you eat lead when you're older.

In Kansas, 29 percent of teenagers are overweight, according to figures it cites from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

Sorry Toto, Dorothy is a shut-in confined to a bed the size of a Thanksgiving Day float.

Obesity is among the leading causes of military ineligibility among people ages 17 to 24, the report notes. Others are a lack of adequate education, a criminal history or drug use.

I was so doped-up, poorly educated and criminal I couldn't figure which end of the gun was the dangerous one to point at democracy's enemies.

All those put together mean that 71 percent of Kansans are ineligible for military service, according to the group.

New Kansas State motto: To the stars through gorging on fatty foods, failing out of school, shooting up and committing crimes.

Schmader, who retired from the military after 32 years and now lives near Leavenworth, is among a group of retired military leaders who has been going to schools around the state promoting healthier lifestyles.

"Good news, class! A general who presided over some losing wars three decades ago is here to tell you to eat your greens!"

About 99 percent of the schools in Kansas have adopted healthier meals under the Healthy, Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010, which requires more fruit, vegetables and whole grains in school meals, along with less sodium, sugar and fat.

In unrelated news there's now a massive junior high black market for Ding Dongs and Ho Hos.

First Lady Michelle Obama lobbied largely behind the scenes for the Healthy Hunger-Free Kids Act of 2010.

Well, we've got the hunger-free part settled, at least.

Schmader lauded her efforts, but said his non-partisan group of military leaders had been pushing for healthier school meals long before the first lady got involved.

We wanted to feed kids tasteless garbage to prepare them to be sacrificed on the altar of war BEFORE it was cool or fashionable.

Full Story.

Komment Korner

I'm a conservative

I was following the diet of lisa plog and I ended up losing 22 pounds.

Why would anyone WANT to join the military right now?  

t never ceases to amaze me how many fat women are dressed in uniforms when i go to lunch every day. And yes, fat guys too.

at least they are not staying at home sucking welfare through the system.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

News You Can't Use: San Francisco Saint Mary’s Cathedral Drenches Homeless With Water To Keep Them Away

Today's story has a lot going for it, clearly. Plenty of excellent chances to display outrage, which is always a very positive and cathartic thing to do. A sensationalist headline followed by the sort of reporting we've come to know and love from an ad-riddled CBS news site. Water delivery systems. And, at the heart of it, the battle for separation between church and human derelict, with water that never quite achieves the level of a "real rain" trying to solve a problem that just screams "Healthy Democracy."

KCBS has learned that Saint Mary’s Cathedral, the principal church of the Archdiocese of San Francisco, has installed a watering system to keep the homeless from sleeping in the cathedral’s doorways.

Don't bother asking how we found out, it's not important. All that matters is we know. We have our ways.

The cathedral, at Geary and Gough, is the home church of the Archbishop. There are four tall side doors, with sheltered alcoves, that attract homeless people at night.

Like moths to a flame. Put up some giant doors and alcoves and you'll get this. There's no human agency involved.

“They actually have signs in there that say, ‘No Trespassing,’” said a homeless man named Robert.

I ignored those signs because I'm a criminal.

But there are no signs warning the homeless about what happens in these doorways, at various times, all through the night. Water pours from a hole in the ceiling, about 30 feet above, drenching the alcove and anyone in it.

Please submit your best ideas for "drug addled drifter getting soaked" signage. The winner will get their work put up in a dark alcove!

The shower ran for about 75 seconds, every 30 to 60 minutes while we were there, starting before sunset, simultaneously in all four doorways. KCBS witnessed it soak homeless people, and their belongings.

Yeah, we hung around their for hours watching this sad spectacle and didn't warn anyone. Let's focus on how wrong the church is instead, shall we?

“We’re going to be wet there all night, so hypothermia, cold, all that other stuff could set in. Keeping the church clean, but it could make people sick,” Robert said.

Maybe not sleep there? Just an idea off the top of my head, I don't know if it's any good.

The water doesn’t really clean the area. There are syringes, cigarette butts, soggy clothing and cardboard. There is no drainage system. The water pools on the steps and sidewalks.

Consider this a preemptive strike on the "It's for cleaning purposes!" argument that we've anticipated. The water's barely doing anything. It's all a lie.

A neighbor who witnessed the drenching told KCBS, “I was just shocked, one because it’s inhumane to treat people that way. The second thing is that we are in this terrible drought.

These two statements are contradictory.

With many significant alterations it could be used to clear your doorstep.

“We refer them, mostly to Catholic Charities, for example for housing,” Lyford said. “To Saint Anthony’s soup kitchen for food, if they want food on that day. Saint Vincent de Paul if they need clothes.”

Please stop this, we're trying to demonize you because you "drenched" some needle drug enthusiasts.

Some of the homeless bring waterproof gear, even an umbrella, to try to stay dry. Frustrated cathedral employees tell us they don’t have the staff to police the doorways, which are used by churchgoers during services.

Yes, we know how a door generally functions, CBS. Also "waterproof gear?" Well, I can either eat, satisfy my drug habit or purchase this wet suit...easy choice.

Then, suggests this church neighbor, turn it off. “I would hope that they would stop doing this, both for environmental reasons and for common decency.”

Think of the environment! What is this doing to nature's concrete and tar? Since this person is all about Common Decency maybe he should invite the homeless into his or her own house, or at least let them sleep on the porch. It is, after all, the right thing to do.

The statement goes on to say, “Catholic organizations in San Francisco serve thousands of homeless people every year, providing shelter, food, and critical services.  That is the true picture of compassionate Catholic care.”

Don't expect any stories about that.

Don't visit the ad-infested source. http://sanfrancisco.cbslocal.com/2015/03/18/homeless-saint-marys-cathedral-archdiocese-san-francisco-intentionally-drenched-water-sleeping/

Komment Korner  

San Francisco is the closest thing to Sodom this side of Gomorrah.

Let’s send positive and uplifting thoughts their way.

i installed a shower for you to cleanse your soul.

i only pounce on your mom, she loves it

Did you read past the headline or is that too much to expect from John Q Public


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here. 

News You Can't Use: Student's Chapped Lips Lead to Policy Change Request

When the lips aren't happy the brain that theoretically lurks somewhat behind them isn't happy either. But what happens when an elementary school decides that lip balm is a dangerous drug that falls under their policy of never, ever, using discretion to make a common sense decision? Well, you get petitions, meetings, heroic children, actual bloodshed and a lot more! Yeah!

All right, there isn't any more. That was everything.  

An 11-year-old Stuarts Draft Elementary School student has collected petition signatures and officially asked the county school board to allow elementary students to use Chapstick.

The petition was actually titled "Sign here for free ice cream." When you get to junior high you can start learning about soft money, foreign donors and how to vote multiple times in elections.

Stuarts Draft fifth-grader Grace Karaffa appeared before the school board Thursday night, saying she had requested the substance while on the playground after suffering chapped lips.

Typical drug freak. So dependent on the goof stick that there's actual physical symptoms of withdrawal. "Stop the hide 'n' seek, I need a fix."

"I was told I couldn't use it. Then later that day they (lips) started to bleed so I asked for Chapstick again and I was told that it was against the school policy for elementary kids to have Chapstick,'' Grace said.

The upper-middle class version of the Bataan Death March. "Then later at my McMansion I had to wait a few minutes longer than expected for dinner. I was whining about the unfairness of it the entire time, naturally."

Grace asked the school board to change its policy. "Chapstick allows the human body to heal the lips themselves and protects them in any weather from drying out,'' she said.

The always tiresome "legitimate medical uses" argument from the Tube Heads. We know you just want to get wasted off lips that sort of taste like fruit. Stop with the lies.

She concluded her speech by saying, "Please school board, allow us to have Chapstick."

"Mr. Gorbachev, tear down this prohibition against putting Flava Craze on my gob."

Guaranteed to jack you up.

The petition contained 236 signatures. Those signatures included Stuarts Draft students and members of Grace's Girl Scout troop who are Augusta County students, said her father, Beverley Manor District Supervisor David Karaffa.

It's a lot easier to be heroic when your father is the ruler of this pathetic empire of dirt.

George Earhart, the assistant superintendent for administration with the Augusta County Schools, said Chapstick is considered an over-the-counter medication by the school board.

'This stuff is dynamite! It causes psychotic breaks and demon possession!"

Earhart said one of the reasons for the policy is concerns about elementary students sharing medications.

Apparently loading up children with "medications" is not a concern.

He said the student's request was taken under advisement by the school board.

Translation: "You're crying in the rain, pal! Tell your story walking!"

The school administration will communicate with the Karaffa family and could also report back to the school board.

Or not, it's still a semi-free country.

Full Article.

Komment Korner  

Glad I don't live in Stuart's Draft!

Would they count a small bottle of vaseline as a medication?

How many semesters of stupid are required before you are qualified to be a school admistrator?

As Hillary Clinton says, dissent is patriotic.

That Vitamin E is a gateway drug; didn't you know that?

Check Out My Books!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.