Showing posts with label Hippies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Hippies. Show all posts

Wednesday, July 13, 2016

News You Can't Use: Half of all US Food Produce is Thrown Away, New Research Suggests

Trends come and go, but wasting food is something that is always at the bleeding edge of what is considered "with it" or "23 skiddoo," if you will. And there's no food more deserving of being wasted than vegetables, natures cruel joke on our taste-buds and internal digestive systems. With ideas about cleaning the old plate to broom the stomach correctly held in derision by picky eaters everywhere it's perhaps a fitting irony that the current piles of rotting Michelle Obama lunch waste is actually being caused by the tiny and hated minority that, for whatever reason, likes broccoli.

Americans throw away almost as much food as they eat because of a “cult of perfection”, deepening hunger and poverty, and inflicting a heavy toll on the environment.

You Americans and your perfectionism, as demonstrated by your intellectual rigor and svelte belt-lines. Because of the demands for the elusive perfect radish (real radishes, who a man like you couldn't handle by the way, are misshapen and covered in spots) we're somehow causing world hunger, making people poor and destroying our environment with compost piles, the natural enemy of all plant life.

Vast quantities of fresh produce grown in the US are left in the field to rot, fed to livestock or hauled directly from the field to landfill, because of unrealistic and unyielding cosmetic standards, according to official data and interviews with dozens of farmers, packers, truckers, researchers, campaigners and government officials.

I  blame Hollywood and the media for created an impossible standard of vegetable beauty that fails to recognize that all produce is uniquely beautiful and special and certainly doesn't need to change for a brute like you as it's taken from the field straight to the landfill. Also, someone is going around interviewing truckers about vegetable waste. Really. "Yeah, foughettaboutit, I dumped all that cauliflower in the gutter and spend the rest of the day leaning against my truck and making threatening and/or lecherous faces at passerby."

“It’s all about blemish-free produce,” says Jay Johnson, who ships fresh fruit and vegetables from North Carolina and central Florida. “What happens in our business today is that it is either perfect, or it gets rejected. It is perfect to them, or they turn it down. And then you are stuck.”

Just take this jet-black banana that's currently dripping foul liquids and eat it. I don't think that's asking too much. Think of Ray-Jay Johnson and his North Cakalaki shipping concern next time, so you can attach a face and annoying comedy act to the damage your selfishness is causing.

Food waste is often described as a “farm-to-fork” problem. Produce is lost in fields, warehouses, packaging, distribution, supermarkets, restaurants and fridges.

And yet, in a highly magnanimous display, the ordinary consumer gets blamed.

By one government tally, about 60m tonnes of produce worth about $160bn (£119bn), is wasted by retailers and consumers every year - one third of all foodstuffs.

Love those wacky non-metric measures. We're talking 60m rands of green sludge, worth 160bn Imperial Ducats, wasted every year.

“I would say at times there is 25% of the crop that is just thrown away or fed to cattle,” said Wayde Kirschenman, whose family has been growing potatoes and other vegetables near Bakersfield, California, since the 1930s. “Sometimes it can be worse.”

I'd propose a solution, but there really isn't one and we're just wasting our time here.

Then they're going to throw me away or send me to a landfill...OH MY GOD!!!!

Table grapes that did not conform to a wedge shape were dumped. Entire crates of pre-cut orange wedges were directed to landfill. 

Parsnips that refused to take a loyalty oath were lined up against walls and shot.

In June, Kirschenman wound up feeding a significant share of his watermelon crop to cows.

You can make your own joke, I'm not touching this one.

Imperfect Produce, a subscription delivery service for “ugly” food in the San Francisco Bay area, estimates that about one-fifth of all fruit and vegetables are consigned to the dump because they do not conform to the industry standard of perfection.

Imperfect Produce, when you care enough to feed your family food that isn't considered adequate animal fodder.

That lost food is seen increasingly as a drag on household incomes – about $1,600 a year for a family of four – and a direct challenge to global efforts to fight hunger, poverty and climate change.

We also have on good authority this caused Donald Trump.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Sunday, March 10, 2013

DotTeeVee: Dumb Liberal Hippies Don't Know Why They're Protesting

It has recently come to my attention that there's something out there called "network television." I'm still somewhat sketchy on the details, but as best as I can tell it's a non-interactive version of the internet viewed mainly by degenerate morons and Luddites. Apparently these so-called "networks" even produce cutesy little amateur hour news shows, usually full of technical gaffes, factual errors and a general air of ineptitude. I find it fascinating why anyone would treat this as a serious source of information when fair superior online alternatives are available. In any case, I have randomly selected a news clip and will now perform my due diligence.

We get a short opening informing us that something called "CBS" is responsible for the abortion we're about to witness, complete with its bizarre eye logo. "We're watching, we're powerful, we even have a Youtube video with 718 dislikes!" I'm so scared CBS, whatever the hell that stands for. We're told that they are examining something called "Occupy Sacramento" which I'm assuming is a reference to the secret war we fought with California in 2011. While this opening is delivered another, smaller television screen shows footage. A teevee in your teevee, wtf LAMEstream media?

    Screens within screens, my friends.

The protestors, according to CBS 13, "lashed out" at an event that was "supposed to be peaceful." If you're expecting to see a reporter "bite the curb" or the like, forget it. The "lashing" consists of talking loudly in a not especially coherent fashion. Why we get this crazy hyperbole when the sad truth will be made manifest in just a few seconds is one of the bigger mysteries of this clip. We're already watching, you can stop with the con game.

The rather dull events to come are then described as "an unexpected confrontation" which is just bizarre considering the news team actively sought out the communist brigade. Maybe if the trust fund Che had popped out of a closet like a horrible smelling jack-in-the-box it would count as unexpected, but not the b.s. we end up getting. This is why no one watches Television any more. I think maybe a dozen people watched the Super Bowl, if that.

Is it just me or is that fist somewhat suggestive?

Anyway, the big clash between the 99% and the 1% consists of a scrawny, smiling person extending a finger toward the camera and maybe lightly brushing it. "They got in our face," declares the reporter, even though it's pretty clear from the footage that this is a feckless group of naive thrill-seekers. After the ugly "finger incident" everything settles down considerably. Taking into account that this is literally the "unwashed masses" you have to concede that the earlier bombastic language seems a little misplaced. 

Nothing screams individuality like a piece of merchandise mass produced in China.

It's time to ask the Big Question: "Why are you here?" Faced with this softball from a sympathetic interviewer the representative of the People's Revolution offers up awkward silence while the man that "lashed out" earlier rambles in a manner that suggests untreated mental illness. Man, where do I sign up for this? I can't wait to freak out squares and destroy capitalism with these crazy diamonds.

Oh here's the problem! I accidentally set my brain to "off."
 
Maybe the event organizer will have a better answer? After all, even a mighty Soviet state requires a strong dictator to keep things in line for awhile before voluntarily surrendering his power and stepping down once the Worker's Paradise has come to full fruition. Sadly our bush league Trotsky doesn't really fare much better than the other dregs interviewed. He basically says they'll figure out why they're here...tomorrow. This is what happens when the slacker generation tries its hand at Bolshevism. "I'll get off the couch and liquidate my enemies tomorrow Mom!" 

"Communism? I thought this was the line for One Direction!"

In an amazing coincidence we randomly select an attractive young lady with an unfortunate case of "Leno Chin" for the next interview. She basically has nothing of value to say (Yeah, really. I know, I was shocked, too) but in a funny bit some guys with their faces concealed jostle to be on camera in the back, despite the obvious fact that their identities are disguised, removing any point to this. 

Perhaps desperate for anything resembling a cogent argument or valid point we then talk to one of the few people over 25 at the event, a sixties leftover. He proudly declares his communist affiliation and I can imagine the reporter's thought process: "I'm trying to make these troglodytes look good and what do they do? Make endless moronic statements and then swear allegiance to the U.S.S.R. Gah!" The situation isn't helped by the former red diaper baby making crazy faces. 

 "Stalin had a lot of good ideas!"

The young lady from earlier gets another chance to display her mind boggling ignorance and doesn't disappoint, declaring she's here for "People!" after being fed that line from someone off camera. Finally, after all this b.s. we talk to a relatively normal older gentleman who is concerned about "corporate greed" ruining our country. I wonder what this well-meaning and sane man thought about being surrounded by mask-wearing goofs, communist true-believers, and bubble-headed morons. Something tells me this was his first and last protest.

The protesters plan on staying the night (Yay, sleepover! We can eat pizza and call boys!) but the Police State has declared that this will not be allowed. "This is tyranny, man! Rule of Law is fascist." We talk with a "young mother" who plans on staying the night. Even the reporter can't maintain his stoic neutrality in the face of this idiocy and tries to talk her out of it. She blows it off with a reference to "extra blankets."

  "Please tell the viewers what the hell you were thinking."

More lame "confrontation" follows. The protestors decide to turn the tables and ask the media why they're here. With this kind of cunning it's only a matter of time before capitalism, Western Democracy and the plutocracy are smashed into bite-sized pieces by these heroes of the proletarian. Honestly, I think they might be here to "do a story." I know it sounds crazy, but I just might be on to something.

"Impeach Bush!"

An effort to call a "time out" fails and we wrap up with some night shots and the reporter struggling to produce the correct date. Still caught up in sports metaphors we run down the "game plan" for the 99% and the police. Suffice it to say, they're at cross-purposes. We admit that maybe one valid point was raised by that one guy who probably left shortly afterward, never to return. "Will this grow and gain mass nation-wide popularity?" becomes the question. Major spoiler: No.

Komment Korner

Ahhh, a strawman from a retarded piece of shit.

are you effing kidding me? These monkeys are the future of our country?!?!?!?

The dude in the black hoody just wanted to hold a sign and yell lmao

DAHHHHHAHHHH. 

atleast shes hot, i would fuck her


Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.