How can the awful task of reducing the average size of grass blades via mechanized devices be made more tolerable? An answer one individual arrived at was getting loaded on over-priced domestic beer while driving from one bar to the next on the old riding mower. It's sort of like that heart toasting story of that old boy driving a mower across America to see his dying son or whatever, except with less soul-wrenching pathos and a whole lot more vomit, pants-piss and concerned motorists.
A Northern Colorado man was arrested on suspicion on DUI but it was what he was driving that makes this case unusual. He was driving a lawnmower.
No, this wasn't your typical Northern Colorado corksucker climbing behind the wheel and causing havoc, an event which is so common in the N.C. that we don't even bother attempting to document it. This time lawn care was involved, so it's extremely interesting and satisfying to hear about.
Police said Kenneth Welton was driving drunk from bar to bar along a very busy 8th Avenue in Garden City on a riding lawnmower.
By "very busy" we mean one car, three cows and a few other drunks using whatever improvised means of conveyance were at hand.
“He couldn’t stand on his own. He was showing signs of impairment,” said Weld County Sheriff’s Sgt. Sean Standridge.
Must be that secret, undocumented ingredient they put into beer.
Welton’s driver’s license had been revoked when he was arrested.
I was going to make a snide remark (yeah, big surprise) but with the way the government is expanding I wouldn't be very surprised by the existence of "Lawn Mower Licenses" that must be regularly renewed at great personal expense.
...and hard to drive when you're all to' up.
From jail, Welton, 53, told CBS4 he was not using the lawnmower to get around, but instead to take care of overgrown weeds.
"I'm actually some weird kind of hero." *vomits on self, again*
“It was just surprising, it was just a total shock. What are you kidding me? I haven’t been, I’ve been working, I have been mowing, I haven’t been bar hopping,” said Welton.
Nice to see this guy fully embrace his fictional version of the events netting him a room at the Green Bar Hotel. "Are you kidding? Not being able to stand under your own power is normal! This is America, after all."
"This is not a joke."
"My brother was killed by a drunk on a threshing machine."
Weld County leads Colorado in traffic fatalities. The Weld County Sheriff’s Office wants to change that statistic and prevent any more deaths.
Yeah, that's generally how you'd change it, assuming just arbitrarily lowering the number and saying "Everything's fine now!" is off the table as an option.
“He’s lucky he didn’t hurt somebody or get himself hurt from somebody hitting him,” said Standridge.
Let's try to make a big deal out of this ridiculous story of rural route dysfunction.
The ad-laden source: http://denver.cbslocal.com/2014/07/25/dui-suspect-pulled-over-while-driving-lawnmower/
Komment Korner
The cop thinks his tractor is sexy
Driving is a right, not a privilege.
What a disgrace to everyone who has worn a uniform to defend this country. The police in this country ought to be ashamed of themselves!
Thanks for admitting your racism.
Yesterday I saw a guy getting on a moped in front of the grocery store with a case of beer and a bag of ice.
Check Out My Books!
Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.
His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
Our freedom to be a jerk might be the most precious one we have. All right, after our freedom to buy products and pay taxes. It's a strong runner up, anyway. The best part about exercising your civil right to social retardation and inability to grasp how things work is that you can make a post hoc claim that you were actually fighting the good fight and are some sort of bizarre hero. Even better if this process can be recorded and then shared with the world via the invisible wires.
Like most totally righteous stories this one begins with the Man With No Face riding his steel horse right into the teeth of low-level totalitarianism. We get lots of annotations during this process so that we "get" that this is no mere "watch me break local speed limits on my bad bike!" or "here's my vacation" video, but rather the courageous stand of the last honest man against forces of pure evil. Forces that can't be bothered to put up "burning beam lights" to mark the exact location of their tyranny.
Epic fascism fail!
This is just a theory and there's no way I can prove it, but I think the fact that we're in broad daylight might, just might, explain the lack of flares and lanterns. For whatever reason, this seems to be a major issue for this guy, to the point that viewers are totally missing the point. He even says exactly that in the "video description." What the point is, exactly, remains impenetrable.
Like a scene from an ill-conceived "Maximum Overdrive" re-imagining we join a line of cars waiting to have their freedom infringed upon by the jack boot squad. Literally nothing is happening, so I take the uploader's advice and skip ahead to the beginning of the "seizure" at the 4:30 mark. No, there's not going to be any epilepsy. Sorry to get your hopes up.
By the author of "Lil Billy and the Star Chamber."
With the promise of Fourth Amendment usurpation, I jump ahead to the middle of the video. I deeply apologize for any sanctimonious wise-assery that might have been missed. An officer in one of those fluorescent vests usually worn by midnight joggers (remember, no lanterns!) gives the international gesture for "open your helmet's visor, Sir Knight, I wish to parley rather than engage in a manful clash of arms." This pretty unambiguous signal leads to more annotation smart mouth. It's almost as if this patriot and guardian of our rights is going out of his way to find things to be offended by.
Another highway patrol pretty boy.
After using his words, the visor is raised. You know, maybe if we just comply with the instructions this will end easily and painlessly. The officer wants to know if any drinking has been going on and, channeling the spirit of Ghandi our hero is all "No questions!"This stand against the machinery of the wicked goes back and forth a few times before the motorsickle man is instructed to "pull over." Because this is an "order" compliance occurs. If only he'd been ordered to answer the question all of this could have been avoided, perhaps.
This is a bit of a mixed message.
With that the "illegal seizure" portion of the video ends and we enter into the "unlawful imprisonment" phase. Maybe I missed it, but I didn't really see any property rights violated. I saw some goof that wanted to be difficult and a very long-suffering and good-humored officer, but that was about it. Hopefully the coming outrages will be of a higher class.
So we "potato-potato-potato-potato" the chopper toward what I'm sure the creator of this video would call "The Free Speech Zone" but is actually used for drunks and cranks. This break in the scintillating drama that is unfolding provides another chance to quote chapter and verse from local statutes, like an alternate universe Joe Friday who was kicked off the force and became a human derelict fighting imaginary battles against enemies that exist only in his mind. He also bitches about taxes. I mean, taxes? What's up with those? Am I right?
Yeah, get busy guys. Smuggle arms to Mexican drug runners or something!
Next the possibility of actual martyrdom is broached, as an officer "reaches for his weapon!" Sadly the "mad cop disease" doesn't actually kick in, but that won't stop the Sole Defender of the Constitution from making repeated and paranoid references to this for the rest of the video. Instead, the same question about drinking is repeated, without result. He even gets uppity about raising the visor again, until "ordered."
If you're having trouble following the logic of what the Minority of One does, here's a handy cheat sheet: Orders = Yes, Questions = No, Favors = No, Common Decency that Could Immediately End This Situation = No. Hand signs to raise visor = No, After the Fact Snark and Tough Talk = Yes.
After deflecting some more polite requests he really puts it down: "Let me know when I'm free to go." Ok, it's not exactly going to be the first choice of quotes to go on the statue that will one day be built for the brave, brave man who defeated the DUI checkpoint, but it will have to do.
This is a prison planet, man.
The inevitable "ihnen paperien, bitte" occurs and incredibly this is also complied with after minimal fuss. This guy isn't so much anti-tyranny as he's anti-questions about drinking. Everything else he just goes along with. Der Kommissar checks the papers and apparently everything is in order because no one goes for their weapons or anything. Upon request the officers provide their own information, which will make it nice and easy for the modern answer to Samuel Adams to file a report on how polite and professional they were in the face of his crazy behavior.
The officer even apologizes for any inconvenience he may have caused. Tyranny! Hand on weapon! 1984!
Free to go it's time to drive off into the sunset. We're told that because of this video the roadblocks were either cancelled or provided with adequate illumination (even thought that isn't the point!). Another glorious victory for people that hate answering questions. We wrap up with an offer to see our hero deal with a "phony" roadblock and get arrested for DUI. Yeah, maybe later.
The Catcher in the Road.
Komment Korner
your a redicules kid grow up
Thanks for sharing your opinions with me.
i hope ur meaing to burn your clutch out
Well score one for the cops. They acted professionally against a guy
looking to create a problem. This tried to draw attention to himself
and make the cops look bad..... FAIL. The cops look real good and this
guy just made bikers look bad.
you need to grow up or get laid
Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
