News You Can't Use: DUI Suspect Pulled Over While Driving Lawnmower

How can the awful task of reducing the average size of grass blades via mechanized devices be made more tolerable? An answer one individual arrived at was getting loaded on over-priced domestic beer while driving from one bar to the next on the old riding mower. It's sort of like that heart toasting story of that old boy driving a mower across America to see his dying son or whatever, except with less soul-wrenching pathos and a whole lot more vomit, pants-piss and concerned motorists.

A Northern Colorado man was arrested on suspicion on DUI but it was what he was driving that makes this case unusual. He was driving a lawnmower.

No, this wasn't your typical Northern Colorado corksucker climbing behind the wheel and causing havoc, an event which is so common in the N.C. that we don't even bother attempting to document it. This time lawn care was involved, so it's extremely interesting and satisfying to hear about.

Police said Kenneth Welton was driving drunk from bar to bar along a very busy 8th Avenue in Garden City on a riding lawnmower. 

By "very busy" we mean one car, three cows and a few other drunks using whatever improvised means of conveyance were at hand.

“He couldn’t stand on his own. He was showing signs of impairment,” said Weld County Sheriff’s Sgt. Sean Standridge.

Must be that secret, undocumented ingredient they put into beer.

Welton’s driver’s license had been revoked when he was arrested.

I was going to make a snide remark (yeah, big surprise) but with the way the government is expanding I wouldn't be very surprised by the existence of "Lawn Mower Licenses" that must be regularly renewed at great personal expense.

...and hard to drive when you're all to' up.

From jail, Welton, 53, told CBS4 he was not using the lawnmower to get around, but instead to take care of overgrown weeds.

"I'm actually some weird kind of hero." *vomits on self, again*

“It was just surprising, it was just a total shock. What are you kidding me? I haven’t been, I’ve been working, I have been mowing, I haven’t been bar hopping,” said Welton.

Nice to see this guy fully embrace his fictional version of the events netting him a room at the Green Bar Hotel. "Are you kidding? Not being able to stand under your own power is normal! This is America, after all."

"This is not a joke."

"My brother was killed by a drunk on a threshing machine."

Weld County leads Colorado in traffic fatalities. The Weld County Sheriff’s Office wants to change that statistic and prevent any more deaths.

Yeah, that's generally how you'd change it, assuming just arbitrarily lowering the number and saying "Everything's fine now!" is off the table as an option.

“He’s lucky he didn’t hurt somebody or get himself hurt from somebody hitting him,” said Standridge.

Let's try to make a big deal out of this ridiculous story of rural route dysfunction.

The ad-laden source: http://denver.cbslocal.com/2014/07/25/dui-suspect-pulled-over-while-driving-lawnmower/

Komment Korner  

The cop thinks his tractor is sexy

Driving is a right, not a privilege.

What a disgrace to everyone who has worn a uniform to defend this country. The police in this country ought to be ashamed of themselves!

Thanks for admitting your racism.

Yesterday I saw a guy getting on a moped in front of the grocery store with a case of beer and a bag of ice.

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Aaron Zehner is the author of "Posts from the Underground," now available in paperback and e-book. Read free excerpts here and here.

His first novel "The Foolchild Invention" is also available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

DotTeeVee: Southern European Aryans League Army

Last time on DotTeeVee we had a few laughs, possibly while rolling on the floor or losing your pants, at the expense of the far left. Since I'm fair and balanced and clean and loyal and trustworthy it's only fair that we take the time to deliver a similar rank-out to the far right. And no MSNBC, the "extreme right" is not someone who believes in the constitution, wants to limit the power of government and thinks a 16 trillion dollar foreign debt might be a bigger concern than filling out "brackets" for an amateur athletic competition. What I'm talking about is literal nazis. Well, ok, nazis that have that special sort of idiocy and fecklessness that only America can produce.

With that in mind, it's time to meet the President and, as far as I could tell, only member of the Southern European Aryans Army. It's a formless blob of pale flesh named "Dustin Victory." He's opted to perform his first presidential address shirtless, just like any legitimate mainstream politician, but the absence of a cossack horse or Hawaiian beach somewhat ruins the effect. Instead he's in a darkened room, covered with crude, possibly homemade, tattoos that resemble splotches of mold on Wonder Bread more than anything else. I honestly think this is what the LAMEstream media believes is the composite image of a "red state" voter.

Still more appealing than Mitt Romney.

As you might expect, our racially-pure "president" has a lot to say. Specifically "Hello, my white brothers and ssssisterssss." If anything I down-played the snake-like hissing coming from this Over-Man in that transcription. This bizarre sibilant speech patter continues as, and brace yourself because this is shocking and unexpected, he starts ranting about "liberalsss." Man, Harry Potter was right, those snake people really are racist dicks.

   "Hello my purple brothersss and sssssisssterssss."

He's worried that the vast left-wing conspiracy will "smash my name." You're shirtless, covered in terrible-looking racist ink, and hissing like a samovar. I don't think the "liberalsss" are going to have to do a lot to make you look bad. Also, I'm sure smearing some racist nobody loser from Mud Nose, Mississippi is currently the primary objective of The Left. Once those brackets have been updated and after a few more rounds of golf are finished, that is.

"If you did not hear it from me, then I did not sssssay it," seems to be the main point to take away from this mess. This total scumbag is protecting his good name. Weapons grade irony, right here.

Step One: Slander the snake-nazi.

After a denial of acts of violence and an admission that "Yesss, I am a racissst" we get an appeal to the First Amendment. No MSNBC, this guy is not typical of people who believe in the Constitution. Really, he isn't. With a hearty "Nineteen One" (???) and some Sieg Heiling (!) we wrap things up. Man, I hate Alabama nazis.

We conclude with some random sniffling and hissing, appropriately enough.

You're probably thinking, "Well, that destroyed all my faith in humanity, but do you have any videos of him drunkenly dancing to country music?" Suffice it to say, today is your lucky day. We hear some George Jones and the last, best hope of the aryan race appears, flexing. A little something for the ladies, I guess.

Let's see you outlaw these guns, Obummer!

From there it's back to more Heiling and approaching the camera with his mouth open, for some reason. Maybe it's one of those snakes that unhinges its jaws to swallow mice whole or something. Then the drinking begins, including putting the cheap domestic beer can right up to the camera so we "get" it. Then, the confederate flag is presented. I'm not sure how this could be more obvious, other than maybe a neon sign that says "Inbred Hate-Filled Moron" with an arrow pointing at him. 

We get all "Blair Witch" as the high resolution potato recording this awkwardly pans around a room full of ill-defined shapes. Then it's time for some double fisting. Drinking is very sophisticated and debonair. 

Man, Stone Cold Steve Austin really let himself go.

We conclude with more flexing, and a claim that our glorious leader is "gum (?) drunk as hell." There are things that have come out of a baboon's anus that are more valuable and appealing than this guy. 

All right, just one more. Like a car wreck or CPAC conference I find watching the disaster both horrifying and completely fascinating. In this final video the important issue of "I don't want no trouble" is addressed. As usual The Leader is tired of "liberalsss" but this time he's going to do something about it. Specifically, he states we "have a right to defend ourssselvesss." Great, now he's going to ruin the Second Amendment. I'm looking forward to videos where this idiot makes forced quartering of troops in our homes or having to testify against yourself seem appealing via his opposition to them.

Out comes the gun. Oh dear. With a cigarette precariously balanced on his upper lip he points the gun right at us. Where do I sign to give up all my rights to "liberalsss?" 

The average gun-owner, as imagined by Nancy Pelosi.

"If trouble is ready, we are ready," he mumbles through a partly filled mouth. Mercifully, it ends.

Komment Korner   

 
Im not sure I'll ever stop laughing....SSSSSSStutttter much?

You are pro-White, and I honor you for that. But please remember, the average person won't join or support a group with your presentation.

Dustin, what happened to your breasts?

Aaron Zehner's first novel The Foolchild Invention is available in e-book format at Amazon.com and Barnes & Noble.