As I rotate the obvious "Family Feud" joke response in my paws, my brain is considering a variety of factors. Do I go for the cheap obvious stuff right away, or store it for later? There are a variety of factors, as opposed to "many factors that are all the same, somehow," I guess.
That’s one of the conclusions of the most comprehensive study of the squirrels’ decision-making process – research that revealed that their behaviors are far more intricate than the casual observer realizes.
Look at you, Mr. Casual Punk Do-Wrong. Man, I bet you don't even realize how intricate the behavior of fluffy-tailed rats actually is, what with your appalling ignorance. You need to educate yourself.
An analysis of fox squirrels on the campus of the University of California, Berkeley, by psychologist Mikel Delgado found that the rodents consider several variables when deciding whether to store food, or save it for later.
"I'm hungry, me eat now," but not even close to that level of complexity is now considered a variable by an academic con artist.
Squirrels assess the characteristics of food they find, such as its perishability and nutritional value. They also consider the availability of food at that time and the presence or absence of competitors.
Their entire lives revolve around incredibly basic food and mating issues, but if you want that research money you better "discover" something other than that.
“What’s cool is that these animals are solving problems right under our feet and most people don’t realize it,” said Delgado, whose Ph.D. dissertation was on the complexity of squirrel behavior.
It's really radical, bro-ham.
Delgado, a Maine native, said she has always been obsessed with animals and was interested in better understanding what they do instinctively in the wild.
"Hey, remember that crazy squirrel girl from high school?" says a Pine Tree State Chad. "Yeah, you'll never guess what that psycho is up to now!"
She has a background in cognition, which deals with problem-solving, memory and thinking, and had worked with pigeons and zebrafish.
Feathered rats are apparently a lot less interesting.
She chose to study the larger fox squirrels, which are more comfortable in the open and therefore easier to observe, rather than the smaller gray squirrels, which prefer more cover.
That's racist.
To better understand how the squirrels make caching decisions, she conducted a series of experiments using basic equipment. For identification, squirrels were marked with a nontoxic dye that disappears with molting.
So cool it with your "animal rights" outrage, all right?
Undergraduate assistant Simon Campo spent 2 1/2 years helping the research lab. He said the different personalities of the squirrels sometimes made the field work challenging.
I was out-smarted by a rodent. Still, less embarrassing than the day I agreed to that student loan...
Caching food for future use is important for survival for all species when food is scarce. They use one of two strategies: larder hoarding or scatter hoarding.
These strategies are really fascinating...hey! Come back!
(EDITORS: BEGIN OPTIONAL TRIM)
Yes, this article is so bush league that a request to edit out several boring paragraphs about old Nutter Butter was not only ignored, but somehow kept in the finished product.
Now here's something we hope you'll really like.
Delgado’s experiments were conducted in the summer and fall. Food is more abundant in the fall.
I can't believe my idiot editor wanted me to remove this elite tier prose.
“It’s really interesting to see that different brains solve the same problem in different ways and that evolution is extraordinary for preparing brains to deal with what environmental conditions they live in,” MacDonald said.
A blind, aimless and incredibly wasteful imaginary process trusted with a zealot's faith by lying scientists "prepares" things.
While researchers previously thought squirrels use chunking, Delgado’s work was the first documentation of it.
I proved there was "chunking" reads the text on my Nobel Prize medal.
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