News You Can't Use: Chinese Newspaper Near North Korea Offers Advice on Surviving Nuclear Attack

It's about time we update "Duck and Cover" for the exciting new generation that, according to what I've gleaned from Pepsi commercials, is the best ever. Naturally, we'll just have the Chinese do it and import the halfhearted results, just like those Sorny moron boxes and fun lead action dolls. The end product might not be as cheerful as the paranoid turtle, but it will offer the same worthless advice that is sure to put everyone at ease. When you see the Rocket Man flash, you better hide your ass, etc.

An official Chinese newspaper near North Korea has published a page of articles on coping with nuclear attacks, in a sign of growing anxiety over Kim Jong Un’s weapons program.

A massive explosion that leaves nothing but radioactive ash isn't normally the kind of thing you'd "cope" with, as if it's just a bad hair day or whatever. On the other hand, there's no better source of lifestyle advice than official Chinese newspapers.

The Jilin Daily -- the government newspaper of Jilin province on North Korea’s northeastern border -- published articles on page 5 explaining how nuclear weapons work and the damage they cause.

I get most of my news from the Jilin. Here's a insightful article describing how you'd be vaporized by the blast, leaving only a shadow on the ruins to mark your passing. This is Real News.

The paper used cartoons to offer advice on what residents can do about radiation exposure and provided instructions on how to respond during an attack.

Instructions like "put your head between your knees and start kissing your ass goodbye."

Another warned that air raids could mean nuclear, chemical and biological attacks, and used the 1945 atomic bombing of Hiroshima as an example.

What. I'm pretty sure there were no chemical or biological agents in that attack, but through the miracle of incorrect formatting that seems to be the message.

The cartoon images illustrated how residents should clean their bodies, boots and coats after being exposed to radiation. They suggested taking iodine tablets, if there is radiation nearby.

Real bummer about that Atomic Holocaust. If you need me, I'll be scrubbing my cool leather jacket and taking some iodine while my skin peels off.

Goofy Curious George and his little firecracker. Sad!

North Korea, which last week launched a new type of intercontinental ballistic missile, said ahead of the drills that it would consider the “highest-level hard-line countermeasure in history,” according to the state-run Korean Central News Agency.

They also explained how Beloved Leader never cried as a baby and doesn't need to use the bathroom as an adult.

Full Article.

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.