Showing posts with label That's Not Funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label That's Not Funny. Show all posts

Saturday, June 2, 2018

News You Can't Use: Nationwide Paintball Wars Causing Concern For Baltimore Police

As a veteran of a thousand paintball wars my body is more wounds and splattered primary colors than flesh. Such is the sacrifice required by a coast-to-coast struggle that you probably weren't even aware of, but should be. It's even starting to become what might be considered a "concern" for law enforcement, I guess right up there with collecting revenue from people driving too fast in that one stretch where the speed limit is ridiculously low and all those unsolved murders.

Nationwide, police are tackling a new type of gun violence. Hundreds of paintball shootings have been reported in multiple states, and now it’s picking up in Baltimore.

When our founders granted us the right to use paint as a weapon of self-defense the most dangerous thing was a musket that vomited out a rainbow of pain and then took a minute to reload. They couldn't have anticipated the dangers of high-capacity ball holders.

“Guns Down, Paint Balls Up” is a movement that was intended to curb gun violence. 

The solution creates new problems, just like any good solution.

“It started in Atlanta, with a rapper who started putting things on YouTube and Instagram,” said Milwaukee Police Sgt. Melissa Franckowiak.

For those who were claiming modern rap is creatively bankrupt drivel, here's the irrefutable proof that it isn't.

Police say Atlanta-based rapper 21 Savage’s campaign against firearms may have backfired — they’ve linked at least two deaths to paintball wars.

Maybe we shouldn't be using Dirty South rappers as a source of public policy. Also, it ain't funny, my brother died like that.

In April, 3-year-old T’Rhigi Diggs was shot while he slept in the back of his mother’s car in Milwaukee. Police say he was killed by a teen who fired a handgun at people shooting paintballs.

Please ignore how this paragraph is a total mess that makes zero sense.

“It’s something we want to get in front of, and let people know it is illegal, it is something we are taking seriously.”

I'm sure you'll be a lot more successful with this particular crusade than you've been with every single other one.

 There were no survivors.

People caught firing a paintball gun could face disorderly conduct or other criminal charges.

We'll come up with something, don't worry.


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.

Wednesday, February 7, 2018

News You Can't Use: Comedy Is Not Pretty, and Nowadays It Isn’t Even Funny

We are facing a humor famine. After many comfortable decades of braying like a buffoon while tears stream down your fat greasy face at dat funny doe, we're suddenly finding the knee-slapper harvest devoured by a dust bowl of thin skin, sanctimony and Right Think. Everything that might even generate a smile is offensive, if not Room 101 material, and acting as a jester for wealthy oligarchs is not the ticket to happy-town you might expect it to be. What's the solution, then? Well, there isn't any, but here's some more words bemoaning the sad state of affairs.

I found myself seated at my computer last month, watching on YouTube  

Wow, what a glamorous and exciting life you lead, Wall Street Journal columnist.

the comedian Bill Maher talk about Donald Trump’s marriage. If you don’t share Mr. Maher’s politics, you are likely to find him an odious, even loathsome character, for he doesn’t really exist outside politics. 

I would like to think we can all unite as one people in finding this guy to be loathsome. If we can't agree on something as self-evident as that, where else are we going to find common ground?

His standard tone is mockery, his modus operandi to lacerate his targets with obscenities, flash a nervous smile, and then bask in applause from his audience.

That Drumpf, he's an idiot! Fudge! Bushel baskets! *nervous smile* *wild applause*

I was watching Mr. Maher on YouTube to see how far he would go on the subject of the Trump marriage. Would he attack the Trumps’ 11-year-old son, or perhaps attack the family for not having a dog?

...and what's the deal with not having a dog? Every healthy home is also an amateur kennel, right?

His final punch line was that Melania Trump hadn’t accompanied her husband to Davos, Switzerland, because she had spent the day having to “lay a wreath on the tomb of the unknown trophy wife.”

Why would the trophy wife of a celebrity be "unknown" and why would his next wife be expected to mourn her? I may have found a logical problem, here.

Yet to have taken what I think of as the Trumpian option in their comedy has rendered these comedians charmless while strikingly limiting their audiences to those who share their politics.

Meanwhile, jokes about t.v. dinners, airline food, toilet seats and why 24 hour gyms have locking doors are going unmade.

I recently wrote a book on the subject of charm, in preparation for which I asked a great many people to name five persons in public life they thought charming.

I just want to mention I wrote a book and am something of a big shot. Stop with the lame promotion, buddy. No one wants to hear it. 

Yet these insufficiently funny comedians, with their crude political humor, do little more than add to the sad divisiveness that is rending the country.

We need more "getting along" jokes.

Right, looks like the bloody Labour Party has done it again...

Something, surely, has been lost if one can no longer turn to comedy as a relief from the general woes of life and the greater farce that has for some years now been playing out in our everyday politics. 

After all of that, you commit the same crime you were condemning.


Komment Korner    

We should be more diligent before taking a hardened position, let alone accepting someone else's.

I think what we need is some bubble wrap made for conservatives

I wished Samantha Bee would run for Congress.

Pieces like this erode the credibility of the organization.

want to really laugh?  look at a mirror.

Take a close look at your TV Remote device and you'll see a button saying, "ON." Don't press it (I don't).


Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.