Choose Your Own Adventure #62: Sugarcane Island

Seven days ago we began our amazing inquisition into the bizarre publishing history of "Sugarcane Island" that will, thankfully, come to an end here. I'm afraid I'm left with more questions than answers after taking note of the copyright information which gives 1976 as the year this was formally released. It's also mentioned that it was originally written in 1969 (seven years worth of rejection on what was basically a license to print money...I feel much better about my own recent track record now) while the Which Way version is, unsurprisingly, not referenced at all. It looks like this mystery will stay a mystery and I'm mostly okay with that because this edition promises to feature new illustrations and "revised" text (fewer spelling mistakes, now!) and is proudly presented as number 62 in the series because 62 is a number typically associated with major milestones and anniversaries.

The turtle that took me to my death last time is prominently featured in the new cover.

Anyway, exciting revisions and major improvements. Or perhaps not, as the set-up seems almost completely identical. You know the drill: a reference to a doctor character that will never matter, rogue wave, in the drink, pass out because the body will swim on its own while out cold and then hit the beach. Last time I went for the "rocky hill," a hill that vanished as soon as the author got distracted, so this time let's walk along the beach and see what that gets us. We also get one of the new illustrations we were promised which features our in-story avatar giving a shocked expression while lying in a relaxed position, something not even hinted at in the text. Man, this special 62nd edition, I feel so privileged to be part of all this history.

Anyway, my long walk on the sands (I like sunsets and having fun, too!) ends with the discovery of some clams and the foul-looking meat within. It doesn't look "tasty" but I'm starving and all so let's just tuck this in. They taste horrible, but so does hateful death, so I choke it down. Then I remember that dehydration is the bigger danger in these situations. The big brain I'm packing, unbelievable. This segues into finding a "pond" because I guess I'm just speaking things into existence now like at a Texas mega-church. Sadly the water tastes very salty and I have to decide to drink or not. I love how this book is nothing but deciding what goes in your maw for page after page.

All new high-quality illustrations!

I'm not about to get all Ancient Mariner up in this biz-itch, so I just drink it down and come away feeling sick and weak. I decide I'll have to find something "better" than the brackish fluids and fine French cuisine the beach is offering, so I blunder around until encountering a "tiger without stripes." Revised edition, full of incredible new descriptive prose. I'm given a choice between "standing still" and "climbing a tree." Not to be That Guy, but both those options would get you killed in real life. You're supposed to make tons of noise and puff yourself up, right? I've seen those animal attack VHS tapes, I know what I'm talking about.

I do the freeze and the not-tiger walks off like the giant pussy (cat) that it is. I take a few steps forward to celebrate this victory and oh noes! Quicksand! Yeah, really. Once again, the correct course of action (just swim your way out) is not even on the table and I split the difference and try to walk my way out of this very muddy water. An ending that's less than two full lines informs me I die instead, or as the top-quality new prose puts it: "Glug, glug, glug." Yeah.

Just getting that glug on.

I gave the Which Way version a pass because it was a straight-up reprint of something that sat in a drawer for years because publishers didn't think any of this was a good idea and what people really want are political lectures from angry outsiders. This new version doesn't get the same mercies, obviously. Trying to pass this effort off as a revision and a special moment falls flat when the changes are minimal and the same poorly researched dangers remain. This is also the second time quicksand has killed me in an Edward Packard book, which is about two times too many. You could just tread water and/or swim out! This really bothers me and rightly so.

More like "Attention Suckers!"

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.  

Which Way Books #6: Sugarcane Island

After experiencing a very, very poor man's Narnia via the magic of Twist-a-Plot it's back to the other cheap knockoff series, but today's subject is something a little different. Somehow, through the magic of public domain or perhaps high-powered copyright lawyers (all that Simon & Schuster money had to be buying something and it sure wasn't quality authors) Choose Your Own Adventure founder Edward Packard shows up for his lame competition. Making this even more incredible is the fact that "Island" may have been the first interactive work of fiction ever created and here it is as a throwaway entry in a lazy "me too!" series, with Packard's name replacing the steady march of Alan Smithees (R.G. Austin???). My mind can barely handle this, I'll be honest. We'll talk more about it when we look at the revised C.Y.O.A. version, but for now let's do this.

We got the rights to this book by some Packard goof. Only 99 cents! Cheap!

Betraying the fact that this book was straight-up poached from the godfather of the genre, this one has a completely different appearance than the other Which Way titles, including different numbers, black lines as a divider before most of the choices and an extremely brief reminder to use our head because on Sugarcane Island you can get wrecked quick. Not unlike how your hard work can be stolen out from under you by another publisher, I guess.

The set-up is pretty straightforward. I'm on a boat in the Pacific on the way to see a Doctor Frisbee (no Vivaldi, not yet) on the Galapagos Islands. The merciless sea has other plans, however, and I get swept off the boat by a rogue wave, finally washing up on a beach after blacking out. Yes, the human body has an automatic "tread water" ability that kicks in when you're out cold, in case you didn't know. Anyways, tropical island paradise or horrific death await and concerns about food and rest are already pressing to the fore. I decide to climb a "rocky hill" in search of food and perhaps sports balls to befriend.

It's actually not subtle at all, bro.

Being sure to keep a watch for snakes I climb the hill and manage to find some "tasty berries." Man, this survivalist stuff is cake. Now I just need to build a bug-out shelter. Or keep climbing that "hill" which apparently more like the cliffs of Dover. To reach the top I must contend with "dangerous looking rocks" (don't like the look of those rocks...don't make eye contact...just keep walking) but decide to lie down and rest instead because sloth is the solution to all of life's difficulties.

Strangely, another Deadly Sin kicks in and I decide to keep tucking into the berries and perhaps look for more instead of maybe getting some winks. It appears the whole "hill" plot-line has been abandoned, not like I miss it or anything. Hey look, an "enormous white dog!" Better approach and domesticate this sucker as I rebuild civilization piece by piece from first principles in this new Eden. If this goes well I'll be building ziggurats and making crude clay records in a pictograph alphabet within a week or two, max.

This is clearly designed to appeal to adults over the age of 21.

Sadly, my animal training skills aren't really up to it as I end up being herded by the K-9 to a clearing where another dozen similar dogs are waiting. Assuming I can turn this around and eventually have a hound army I decide to stick around instead of running. Then the pack runs off after "unseen game" and I run off, too. Well, that was something. During my cowardly retreat I encounter a turtle and am given a chance to ride on it. I can't really think of any compelling reason not to.

Incredibly, this well-conceived Jeb Bush strategy leads toward disaster as Mr. Turtle swims into a some crocodiles and then is heading out to sea because I guess sea turtles sometimes spend long periods of time on land for whatever reason. Not wishing to get chomped on by a future pair of boots I hang on. So it's into the ocean where I get devoured by a shark, complete with a lovingly crafted illustration of this awful fate. By trying to avoid being torn apart by a toothy predator I caused it to happen anyway. Oh, the irony. So many spoons, etc.

 Make sure none of the guests lost loved ones to Mr. Jaws before holding this particular party.

Like all classic, pioneering works of high art this one is basically review-proof, but I will say it was a bit of a mess. Most of the events were just bizarre in their randomness and it didn't feel like there was any goal I was getting closer to or further from, just various compartmentalized encounters loosely tied to the island itself. You have to start somewhere, so you can't really complain too much. We'll save that for when we review the amazing "revised" edition next week.

You will entscheidest so hard you'll barely believe it. Also, watch out for snakes!

Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.