Today's cautionary tale is all about the "duck chase." It sounds like an unpopular child's board game that ends up being played once and then at the bottom of a stack of other, better games in the basement and/or garage sale, but it's actually much, much more. Well, not really, but someone has to act as a hype man for the pointless animal cruelty.
An animal rights activist was beaten with a duck by a Spanish woman defending one of the country's most bizarre and controversial festival traditions.
It really says a lot about Spain that duck torture is only in the top thirty or so of mean-spirited and baffling "festivals." It's all quality semi-irony that the defender of water fowl got bludgeoned with one. Not quite wedding day rain, but it's decent.
The man was whacked with the bird while he filmed the annual "duck chase" in the Catalonian seaside town of Roses, where every August ducks are thrown into the Mediterranean and then caught and brought back to the shore by swimmers.
Good seats available for next year if any of this insanity sounds at all appealing to you.
"Continue, continue. Continue to abuse, I am filming you."
God is watching and will punish you with hell has been replaced with "I'm filming (sic) and will post the results in an unpopular online video." This probably explains why we keep scaling new summits of moral and ethical excellence.
The footage shows a young woman wearing a white bathing suit attack the man with a duck -- holding it by the legs as she repeatedly lashes him with it.
How angry do you have to be to use a mallard as a cudgel? Not quite "swing a cactus" levels of rage, but still.
As the attack goes on, animal rights activists gathered on the shore can be heard chanting, "You would not do that to your dog," before they were removed by police.
Before you jump to any conclusions remember you're in a land where watching a bovine slowly bleed to death is considered quality recreation.
But after Sunday's incident, the town's mayor is mulling putting an end to the "duck chase".
No! We can't let the terrorists win!
While the ducks are not killed, Animal Rescue Espana said they suffer "stress, internal hemorrhaging, pain, fear and suffering."
Imagine a less anthropomorphic version of the abuse Donald Duck takes in his cartoons and you've got the idea of the suffering incurred.
The group launched a petition on the Change.org website demanding that Roses ban the "duck chase" as well as bull runs.
It's a lot harder to get hit with animals when you're safely behind the old keyboard and away from stupid old reality.
The petition has received over 10,000 signatures since it was launched on August 14.
It's already gained the support of "Deez Nutz" and "www.cheapwhipporno.com."
Maybe the ducks aren't entirely innocent.
Festivities at the annual San Antolin festival in the Basque coastal town of Lekeitio revolve around a contest where young men battle to pull the head off a dead goose as it is dragged on a pulley across the harbour.
Well, at least it's already dead.
Previously a live goose was used.
Oh.
Villagers in the northern village of Manganeses de la Polvorosa used to hurl a live goat from the top of their church tower to honour its patron saint but the practice was banned in 1992.
Since then demonic evil, unimpeded by goat splattering rituals, has dominated this tiny village.
Komment Korner
There are no devils in hell. They are here. - William Shakespeare
Fowl play is suspected.
Next up: Horse brutality in the racing industry? Officials say 'Neigh.'
I think it's sicker that Englanders keep colonizing a part of Spain, and Argentina.
Aaron Zehner is the author of "The Foolchild Invention" available in paperback and e-book format. Read free excerpts here and here.
